· CHAPTER 9 ·

IF YOU CAN’T DO SOMETHING RIGHT, DO IT TOTALLY HALF-ASS

EVERY NOW AND THEN I WILL HAVE A CLIENT WHO INFORMS ME WITH pride that they completed my transformation program perfectly. Every workout crushed. Every green smoothie gulped. And I secretly think Oh shit because I know they are heading for a crash. Worse, they probably have an identity invested in being someone who does things perfectly. And let me be the first one to tell you that there is no fucking way you are going to execute all your new healthy habits perfectly. Why?

• Because you are a guest at someone’s house.
• Because you are sick.
• Because drinking Bailey’s at 8:00 a.m. on Christmas morning with your dad is awesome.
• Because holy shit, that’s not sparkling wine; it’s real Champagne.
• Because your mom made you that marshmallow sweet potato casserole thing because she thinks it’s your favorite.
• Because sometimes you Just Won’t Want To.

Moments like these will bring you to an inevitable fork in the road. And thinking you have to do this perfectly is the Highway to the Danger Zone.

But before I get into the giddy delights of Doing Things Totally Half-Ass, let me admit that I can relate if you are someone who likes to do things right. I used to walk around saying macho shit like “I’m an all-or-nothing kind of person” and “If I can’t do it right, then I don’t do it at all.”

I was actually pretty proud of this all-or-nothing identity until my first day of acting school. Remember that school I told you about where we spent a month of higher education trying to tiptoe out of a room silently? Yeah, that was actually a really hard school to get into. We flew from all over the world to London, England, to audition for a few select spots. So on the first day, the rest of the chosen ones and I were sizing one another up when this guy sits next to me and, with a big smile and a lovely Birmingham accent, says, “I hope I’m the shittiest one in the class. That way I’ll learn so much!”

I was totally gobsmacked. I realized I would die if I were the shittiest one in the class. I would absolutely die. I would go home and never speak of this whole acting thing again. When he positioned being a shit actor as an opportunity for improvement, it was the first time I was able to see my big wall of an ego that insisted I had to do it right or not do it at all.

(By the way, if you found my recommendation to join a group totally barf-inducing, there’s a good chance it might be because you don’t want to be the shittiest one in the group. Which is so understandable. But if you can leave your ego aside long enough to shrug off that very real possibility, you are setting yourself up for a massive leap forward. Because when you have the balls to put yourself in situations where you suck, when you have the courage to hang out with people who are so much better than you, it forces you to level up.)

Before my Birmingham friend bitch-slapped me with some self-awareness, I (like many people) unconsciously avoided any situation in which I was destined to suck. It’s absolutely the reason I skipped gym class when I was a kid—I am definitely not naturally athletic. To this day, if you threw a Frisbee at me, my first instinct would be to charge you with assault.

It’s a natural human tendency to avoid stuff you aren’t good at. It’s cool. We all have egos to protect. But there is no growth in being perfect at something. And the need to be perfect has prevented a lot of people from allowing themselves to get Healthy as Fuck.

I don’t even want you to try to be perfect at all your new habits. There will come a moment when you can’t deal with your new habit, I can guarantee it right now. I hereby give you loving permission to Do It Totally Half-Ass. The best part is that this half-assery will actually lead to better results! Let that sink in for a second, my Type A friend: When you give yourself permission to occasionally do things totally half-ass, you will actually get better results than if you demand constant perfection.

It looks like this:

Can’t deal with your 5K run today? Just go for a walk around the block and then give yourself all kinds of mental high fives for your athleticism.

Can’t handle another plate of vegetables? Add an extra topping of green peppers to your pizza, some cocktail onions to your martini, and pat yourself on the back for being a winner.

Not enough time to squeeze in an hour of meal prep? Pull something healthy from the freezer so it’s thawed for later and give yourself massive props for setting yourself up for success when you come home hangry.

Habit experts like Charles Duhigg, author of The Power of Habit, call these “small wins.” Small wins are going to rock your world and free you from the all-or nothing weight-loss roller coaster once and for all. Here’s why.

SMALL WINS REINFORCE THE HABIT LOOP

Remember that our goal here is to get your healthy habits on autopilot. You’ve got better shit to think about than remembering to execute your new habits—and the world needs your brain power focused on bigger things than eating enough vegetables. In time your habits will automatically happen when you consistently execute the behavior after the trigger and then allow the reward. Every time you follow the pattern, you are taking a step toward making that behavior as instinctive and automatic as your teeth-brushing loop, or the loop that makes you check your email constantly.

The key is to not break your healthy habit loop—even when you seriously can’t be fucked to do it. The good news is that the loop can still be reinforced if you execute a smaller version of your habit. For example, if your habit loop normally looks like this:

Trigger: It’s 6:00 a.m.

Behavior: Go for a forty-minute run and listen to the podcast Serial.

Reward: Knowing what happens in Serial and exercise-induced endorphins.

On days when you have a cold, the loop might look like this:

Trigger: It’s 6:00 a.m.

Behavior: Go for a walk around the block while listening to Serial.

Reward: A Serial hit and exercise-induced endorphins.

And it still totally counts.

This habit loop will still be strengthened—even if it’s a smaller version of the habit—as long as you continue to allow the reward. So, it’s important to give yourself all kinds of gold stars, even when you half-ass it. How fun is that?! It’s like being back in Little League soccer (the peak of my personal sports career). Everyone gets a trophy as long as they show up. Fist pump! Here’s why small wins work so well:

SMALL WINS REINFORCE YOUR HEALTHY MOTHERFUCKER IDENTITY

This is critical. According to my boyfriend Tony Robbins, “The strongest force in the human personality is the need to stay consistent with how we define ourselves.” If you have phrases you use to define yourself, like “I’m just a neat freak!” or “I’m a perfectionist,” you will move mountains to maintain that identity. So if you go around saying shit like “I’m not a morning person” or “I’m just lazy,” guess what? You will never get up and work out—even if you think you really want to. This was a lesson I learned when I was trying to quit smoking. I wanted to quit. I intended to quit. The only problem was that I strongly identified with being a Smoker. I had created this (very stupid) teenage worldview that Smokers = cool, creative, counter-culture, independent thinkers and Nonsmokers = lame, boring, conservative losers. Which made it very hard to quit, despite my conscious mind (and wheezing lungs) recognizing that it was definitely time to give up the ciggies. I still considered myself at heart a Smoker (who was just not smoking right now), which set me up for certain relapse. Only once I revised my identity to officially be a Nonsmoker (and revised my idea of what that meant) was I able to make a lasting change in my behavior.

Now, let’s again take the previous example:

Trigger: It’s 6:00 a.m.

Behavior: Go for a forty-minute run and listen to the podcast Serial.

Reward: Knowing what happens in Serial and exercise-induced endorphins.

But imagine that instead of executing a small win (going for a walk around the block), you roll over and go back to sleep.

This will weaken the habit loop as mentioned above, but even worse, it also weakens your identity as Someone Who Does This Shit. You will start to lose trust in yourself.

Every time you roll over, you are fueling self-doubt and giving power to the Bullshit identity that might be keeping you stuck.

Every time you get up and do the smallest of small wins, you are solidifying your new identity as someone who does what they say they will do. You strengthen your belief in yourself and cast a vote for yourself as the Healthy Motherfucker you are meant to be.

SMALL WINS LEVERAGE MOMENTUM—AND YOUR EGO WORKS FOR YOU!

Let’s continue with the above scenario. The alarm goes off at 6:00 a.m. You are supposed to go for your habitual 5K run, and you seriously don’t fucking feel like it. You watch your brain come up with all kinds of Bullshit about why you don’t really have to do it. You know it’s all Bullshit, but that doesn’t change the fact that you are grumpy, and you just don’t want to. So, you promise yourself today will be a small-win day. You get up with the intention of doing ten jumping jacks in your living room and then going the fuck back to bed. But once you are up and moving you figure that you might as well go for a walk. And then once you are outside and walking, your ego pushes you to try a little jog. And before you know it, you’ve fulfilled your habit to a much greater extent than you intended when you were negotiating with yourself in bed. And you’re probably way less grumpy.

So don’t be surprised if your pitiful, grumpy-ass attempt at a small win leads to a snowball effect of you being kind of fucking awesome.

SMALL WINS MAKE YOUR HABITS BULLSHIT-PROOF

The beauty of small wins is that they are kryptonite to your Bullshit. Even the most creative, enticingly sexy Bullshit won’t give you a good reason to squirm out of your habit if your habit is so tiny that it’s ridiculous to apply a bunch of Bullshit to get out of it.

For example, let’s say I’m absolutely convinced that I do not have time to meditate for twenty minutes.

My brain: No way. Too busy. My disengagement from my work for the next twenty minutes could result in a catastrophic global economic meltdown. Nope, not even ten minutes. If I close my eyes for ten minutes, I will fall behind on my work, and I don’t know how I’m ever going to catch up at this point. I’m sorry, no, not even five minutes to spare. I’m already late for my next thing. Could I take a deep breath? Umm…yeah, I guess. Okay there, I did it. I meditated. Yay me! I guess the world didn’t collapse after all…

(By the way, the above mental script is only a minor exaggeration of some classic Victim Bullshit.)

Do you see how Doing Things Totally Half-Ass can surprisingly be a total game changer when it comes to actually sticking with your habits? You will reinforce your habit loops and your identity as a Healthy Motherfucker. You will also put your powerful ego to work for you and get more done than you otherwise would have as well as neutralize the Bullshit that have made you quit in the past.

Not convinced? Listen, I’ve worked with a lot of high achiever Type A people (they tend to be the ones hiring top trainers, obvi) and they are generally very much all-or-nothing, go-hard-or-go-home types. Consequently, they are also often stuck in the weight-loss roller coaster pattern of going balls-out on the latest trend diet and then crashing spectacularly when shit gets real. Here’s an example of how I’ve used small wins with them.

I used to train my client Debra at her house at 9:30 a.m. on Tuesdays. And usually we’d go run up hills and do strength training and all kinds of fun, hard-core stuff. But every now and then I’d show up and she’d open the door and say “SHIT. I’m so sorry, I should have called you. There is NO WAY I’m working out today. I didn’t sleep a wink last night, I’m so stressed out.”

I’m sure she was desperate to get rid of me. But I knew that if I went away, then she’d be breaking the habit loop we had created for Debra:

Trigger: It’s Tuesday at 9:30 a.m.

Behavior: Exercise with Oonagh.

Reward: Sense of well-being and social affirmation from Oonagh.

So instead of taking the fucking hint and leaving, I’d invite myself in and empathize about the rough night. Not as a strategy or anything—it sucks to be stressed out and have insomnia. She was absolutely right in thinking that it’s not a great day to do hill runs and strength training. I would commend her for listening to her body. But that doesn’t mean we can’t execute a small win. Instead of skipping the workout entirely, I suggested we do some stretching, deep breathing, and talk about stress-management strategies. In doing so, we were reinforcing Debra’s habit loop:

Trigger: It’s Tuesday at 9:30 a.m.

Behavior: Stretching with Oonagh.

Reward: Sense of well-being and social affirmation from Oonagh.

We also:

• Strengthened Debra’s identity as someone who makes time for self-care.
• Weakened the idea/Bullshit that stress and fatigue mean she can’t take care of herself.
• Reinforced the idea that stress and fatigue mean she has to take extra care of herself.

Now do you see how awesome and totally essential small wins are when it comes to getting Healthy as Fuck? And how it can be the essential missing strategy for you wonderful all-or-nothing people?

Start thinking of the…

teeniest

tiniest

shittiest

stupidest

what’s-the-fucking-point

…version of your habit.

Keep getting smaller and smaller until it would be absolutely ridiculous to believe the Bullshit that you can’t do that teeny-tiny version of your habit. This way you are armed and ready with some appropriate half-ass effort when the necessity arises.

To save you the brain power, I’ve got some half-ass inspiration for you:

“I don’t have time to make a week’s worth of healthy meals in advance!”

Could you chop up some veggies to have on hand for snacking?

“I can’t handle another salad, and I want something yummy.”

Could you throw a few leaves of spinach into a blueberry smoothie?

“I slept through my boot-camp class.”

Could you do the Scientific Seven-Minute Workout at home? (Listed here: www.fitfeelsgood.com/book)

“There’s no way I can get seven hours of sleep each night.”

How about at least going to the bedroom fifteen minutes earlier than usual?

“I can’t survive on appropriate portions. I’m still hungry!”

Could you wait five minutes before getting a second helping?

“I need my glass of wine in the evenings. It’s my treat.”

Could you try a half serving for one night and see how that feels?

“I can’t handle meditation.”

Can you handle taking some deep breaths and counting to ten?

Now here’s the fun part: you get to reward yourself just as enthusiastically as you would if you did the full version of your habit. In fact, you must in order for the habit loop to be fulfilled. So, instead of thinking of that walk around the block as a failure to go for a run, think of it as a success in getting off the couch. Then, think of how it might affect the quality of your life if you allowed the small wins to feel like real wins and celebrated them every day.

Remember that it’s not about being perfect, but just a little bit better. And by the way—you do have to get better. You can’t just go putting three leaves of spinach in your blueberry smoothie for the next three years and think you are fulfilling your veggie requirements. These delightfully half-ass efforts are your insurance against plunging into the Fuckits because they disarm the all-or-nothing mentality. Small wins allow a minimal acceptable version of your habit to serve as a placeholder until you are ready to get back to the business of your regularly scheduled awesomeness. As you progress on your journey as a Healthy Motherfucker, you will find you need your small wins less often, and you will naturally raise your bar on what you consider a minimally acceptable version of your habit.

But for now, just remember that every little bit counts toward that compound-interest chart. Anything is better than nothing. Every tiny positive action is a vote for the kind of person you want to be. And again, changing your identity is what is going to make this Healthy as Fuck approach different from every other time you have tried a diet or “eating healthy.”

That’s why you should be doing the mental equivalent of football touchdown dances every time you:

• Choose the salad instead of the fries.
• Wind down with a book in bed instead of starting another episode on Netflix.
• Remember to pack healthy snacks.
• Get up and stretch after sitting in front of your computer too long.
• Have one cookie instead of three.

If you acknowledged each of these small wins with a mental Academy Award acceptance speech, wouldn’t that make you feel kind of awesome?

And, just a reminder, it’s all about feeling good and loving yourself NOW.