Nolan
I always hated those rides at the fair that spun me around and made my world crooked. I’ve somehow found myself on one now, though. Not a real one, but also not one I can get off. My world is tilted.
“Congratulations. You’re pregnant.”
Reed and I sat, dumbfounded, in the doctor’s office for what felt like an hour. It must have been less, but I swear time has slowed down completely.
Pregnant. I’m coming up on forty. My daughter is fifteen. I wasn’t supposed to be able to do this.
Reed drove us home, and we’ve been sitting in the driveway filled with cars. We dropped Peyton off and got in at our doctor right away, mostly because Reed can call in favors. While we were here, everyone else was arriving at our house for dinner—for the big engagement surprise. I was so excited for this about three hours ago. Now, I have no idea what anything is or feels like or means.
“It was probably that night in the Jeep,” Reed says, and I swallow and let my eyes flit closed. Thank God I’m done throwing up.
“What are we going to do?” I ask the question we’ve both been thinking.
We both just breathe. The longer the silence goes, the more scared I become. There was a time when I would have cried with glee at this news. It’s happy news. It should be, at least. No…no, it is. It’s just…unexpected. It’s scary. It’s…
“When Peyton’s a sophomore in college, this baby will be starting kindergarten.” Reed rattles that off like a simple fact, emotionless. We both think about it for a few seconds and simultaneously burst into laughter.
“That’s ridiculous,” I say, tears of madness filling my eyes. I’m hysterical. I wipe them away but keep laughing, unable to stop. Reed joins me for the first minute, but while I continue to titter and feel sick, his face grows serious. His smile settles into a barely there kind and his eyes study me without blinking.
He shifts his weight and leans over the center console, moving his left hand to the side of my face, sweeping it into my hair as he moves in to brush his lips on mine.
“It’s going to be okay,” he says against me. I quiver with hope and hopelessness, then let out another small laugh.
“You can’t say that,” I say, pulling back but holding onto his wrist. His eyes dip as he shifts his palm to my chin, forcing our gazes to connect.
“I can, because it will, Noles.”
I stare at him long and hard, waiting to see the crack in his resolve. It isn’t there, but it’s because he’s not thinking about this through my eyes. It’s not his fault. I don’t let him see things that way sometimes. But this…it’s too big. I’m carrying so much.
“You’ll be starting camp for…who knows where…about the time this baby is born. You’ll be deep into a season when we’re working on crawling here.
“So, I’ll come home more.” He wavers a little, starting to understand. “Or maybe I’ll land Arizona…or we can split our time.”
“And let Jason and Sarah move in here to take care of your dad? And I’ll just cancel my clients for four months out of the year. And we’ll hire more people to tend to the horses. And Peyton…she’ll figure out how to manage herself when we’re gone so she doesn’t have to change schools or take high school online. She won’t miss cheer…”
“Okay, okay. I get it. But we always figure it out, Noles. You’re just looking at the bad…”
“I figure it out,” I interrupt. It stuns him and there’s a flash of defensiveness in his eyes, but then it fades with understanding. He sinks back into his seat, still facing me, while I stare through the window behind him.
“I’m not looking at the bad, Reed. I’m just looking at the parts of life. I’m looking at reality. This is going to be hard—on me. And I’ve got to come to terms with that in my head, because I want this baby, Reed. I’ve wanted this baby for a long time, and you know that.”
I move my eyes to his in time to see them become glossy. He flits his gaze to me but looks back out the front window with a hard breath. I’ve started to cry, and I’m so mad that our house is full of people right now. I—we—can’t leave this damn car until we get our shit together. This kind of news needs to be shared just right. The questions all need answers. And then there’s the certain bit about certainty—me and pregnancy has always been so uncertain.
“I’ll retire,” Reed says, his voice soft.
“Don’t make that choice right now,” I answer before he can say more.
“Noles, you can’t do this alone…” he says, finally turning to me and reaching for my hand. I give my palm to him and watch the way our fingers blend together perfectly and move, caressing—loving. I love this man with every bit of my soul.
“I can do it alone, Reed. You forget that I have,” I say, feeling his muscles flex as he winces. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry.”
“No, I know what you meant.” He twists again, this time pulling my hand into both of his, bringing it to his mouth and pressing a soft kiss against my knuckles.
I feel him swallow.
“You’re an amazing woman, Noles. An amazing mother…wife…” His eyes close and he brings our tethered hands up to the bridge of his nose, resting his head against them and closing his eyes.
“You cannot make a decision about football because of this baby,” I say. I feel him nod slightly against our hands.
“I know,” he says, his voice hoarse.
“It’s not fair to him or her. This baby cannot be the reason that you stepped away, because there will always be the ghost of resentment. You won’t want to, but it will linger there. You know it…I know it…”
“You’re right,” he says.
He breathes in deeply and kisses my hand again, turning my wrist to his mouth and holding his lips there long enough to feel my pulse.
I reach up with my other hand and thread my fingers into his hair, bringing his head to my lips to kiss.
“You’re an amazing man…an amazing father, and son, and husband,” I say. I mean every word. I also mean this.
“And you’re a great quarterback, Reed. Maybe one of the best. I love you, and whatever decision you come to…none of any of this—of us—will change.” I make a promise that will feel impossible in nine months. I make a promise that we’ve already broken, two years of a strained marriage have been so hard. We’ve changed from that alone. But I know that through it all, we won’t quit on each other. We can’t. I won’t let us.
After another twenty minutes in the car and two texts from Jason asking when the hell we’re coming inside, we finally look normal enough to walk in and make jokes with our family as if earth-shattering news isn’t breaking in my womb.
I’m glad I know what’s about to happen, because it makes watching Jason nervously twitch around the kitchen so much fun to watch. He’s sweating, and I feel so bad for him that I have to tell him that his shirt is starting to get damp. He’s still wearing his dress clothes, and I’m sure it’s because he wants to look his nicest for the proposal, but another minute in that button-down and tie, and he’s going to look like he’s been on a safari.
I step up to Buck, knowing he’s the reason we’re doing this here and not on Thanksgiving on the beach.
“Your son is not gonna make this. I think you need to intervene,” I say against his ear.
He chuckles and turns to me, giving me a wink. I should have known, he was going to run this show his way all along.
A few seconds pass and Rose starts to clank a spoon against her wine glass. I look to Reed to do the same, panicking because no more wine for me—bloody hell! He takes a quick spoon to his beer bottle, which only makes it foam. The sight of him licking up the side and trying to contain the overflow amuses me and settles the massive, mega butterflies trying to break free in my chest. I breathe, and just as quickly, they’re back.
“You all know…how I like to talk…some say a lot,” Buck begins. It’s the usual crowd gathered—Jason and Sarah, Reed and I, Peyton and a few of her friends—who I am sure she told. No Bryce, though; Bryce will have to wait.
What Sarah doesn’t know, though, is that Reed’s aunt and uncle are here along with Sarah’s parents and her sister, in the garage. They’ve been stashed in there for probably an hour. We saw their cars parked a property over, behind the construction trailers that have taken up the edge of our residence.
“I’m not going to talk…” Buck pauses because he has to, but the timing makes us all giggle. “Much…ah you thought…you were off the hook!”
“Not a chance,” Rose says, taking an early sip from her glass and rolling her eyes to exaggerate.
“Wow, tough…room,” Buck says, good at taking her teasing. She squeezes at his shoulder with adoration in her eyes. This will be Reed and me one day. I hope.
“I just want to say…how proud I am of my…boys. Reed…Jason…I love you. You are my life’s…best achievement. I had very…little to do…with how great you turned out…too…ha!” His belly laugh is still the same, a punch at the end of a very sweet joke. He had more to do with the men those boys became than he knows. Hell, he’s had a hand on the person most of us became.
“Reed…what you’ve done…in life…and on that field. It gives me such joy, son. Watching you play…live your dream. It’s…it’s everything,” Buck says, a little choked up by the end.
This night isn’t about Reed. It’s about Jason. But Buck always talks about them both when they’re together. And he probably doesn’t want to tip Sarah off to what’s coming. But he has no idea how deep he’s dug with those words just now. I see it in the tight smile Reed offers with the slight lift of his hand. He’s showing modesty on the outside, but inside he’s living tug-of-war. Buck just voiced one more thing that makes it hard for Reed to walk away.
The more time that passes with our new reality settling into my chest, my heart and mind, the more I think there’s no easy way through the near future. It’s going to hurt, and it’s going to test us—test me.
I wish I could have a glass of wine right about now.
Buck’s been talking up Jason for the last few minutes. I’ve been zoned out, noticing the details in every flick of Reed’s eyes, every bend of his lips and twitch in his cheeks. He’s not taking any of this night in like a brother. He’s in his own head, thinking about us. I step closer to him when Jason begins speaking, and without looking my fingers brush his until his hand grabs a hold of mine tight.
“Sarah Perez, as my father and brother would say, you’ve knocked me on my ass…” Jason pauses just long enough for Sarah to understand what’s happening. My friend covers her mouth and looks around the room, crying hard when she sees her sister Calley and her parents now standing in the corner behind her. Her wide eyes swing to mine next, and I smile as she shakes her head in disbelief.
Jason pulls the ring from his back pocket and gets down on one knee, which only makes my best friend shake more.
I can’t believe I was ever against this happening. Seeing it here now, how he’s asking, the words he’s saying about her, and more than anything, how happy my friend is—this was meant to be. I’m sad it took so long.
“I love you so much that I’m willing to be whatever man it takes to be worthy of being yours. I’m done hiding how I feel—how I know we both feel. I want the world to see me kiss you and take your breath away. I want to know my home will be wherever you are. I want to have kids, and build a family, and learn how to make that amazing soup you make, and to worship you and brag about you to every single person I meet. Sarah Perez, I want you to be a Johnson. I want you to take me as your husband because breathing without you is hard…and it’s quickly becoming impossible.”
My eyes are tearing as I watch this guy—who I have seen fail and make an ass out of himself so often—bare himself raw for a woman I know is the best one there is left on the planet.
Jason’s hand trembles as he holds the ring forward and leans his face toward his bicep, running his sleeve along his damp eyes.
“Will you marry me?”
She answers in an instant, her voice gone and unable to make a sound but her emphatic head nod leaving nothing to question. In a blink, she’s being swung in Jason’s arms, clawing her legs around his waist while he kisses her like the princess she is. He slides the ring on her finger while their lips dust one another’s with words and kisses.
That’s love, the realest kind.
I squeeze my hand to feel Reed, to know he’s there. We have that. I know we do. I trust it more than I trust anything, and when the night is done, I’ll put that in the box about him, too.