ACT ONE: THE DEVIL AT BINN EADAIR
The grim living area of a house in Baldoyle in Dublin. The house seems to be built into a hill. The main entrance is down a flight of stairs from the ground floor, giving a basement feel to the room. There is a window with a net curtain and threadbare heavier curtains drawn over it. At the back wall is an opening to a passageway giving access to a yard. Off the passageway are a mostly unseen kitchen and a toilet.
The place lacks a woman’s touch. It has morphed into a kind of a bar in its appearance. Those who live or pass through here are so immersed in pub culture that many artefacts in the room are originally from bars: a big mirror advertising whiskey, ashtrays, beer mats, a bar stool or two somewhere. There is a cold stove. The furniture is old and worn. An armchair, a couch, mismatched chairs, a dresser with very old mugs, cups and various chipped plates, a little table more suited for playing cards than for eating at…
As the play begins the room is more or less in darkness. Some light seeps through from the kitchen, from the door to the yard, from down the stairs and through the threadbare curtains. There doesn’t appear to be anyone here. An old stereo plays low music. A scrawny artificial Christmas tree haunts a corner.
SHARKY comes down the stairs, pausing to tap a red light under a picture of the Sacred Heart which has gone out. It flickers to life for a second but goes out again as he descends and surveys the scene. He is in mismatched pyjamas with a sweater over them and wears a pair of runners. He is not a big man, but is wiry and strong. A very tough life is etched on his face. His eyes are quick and ready. He has a small plaster at the bridge of his nose and a few plasters on the knuckles of his right hand. He opens the curtains to let in the morning light which reveals the squalor. He goes to the stereo and shuts it off. He then realises the phone is ringing. He lifts the receiver.
SHARKY. Hello? Hello?
He hangs up. As he does so, RICHARD, his older brother, stirs awake. He has been asleep (passed out)on the floor where we didn’t notice him or took him for a bundle of rags. He wears a black suit, one slipper, an ancient baseball cap and a filthy white shirt. He is unshaven and looks terrible. He has recently gone blind. He rises up behind SHARKY…
RICHARD. Who’s that? Sharky?
SHARKY (startled). What are you fucking doing?!
RICHARD. What happened?
SHARKY. Nothing – I just turned off the radio. I thought you told me you’d go up to bed!
RICHARD. Yeah, I meant to, but I’d no one to help me up the stairs!
SHARKY. Where was Ivan?
RICHARD. I don’t know! He must’ve gone home.
SHARKY. I thought you said you could feel your way up!
RICHARD. Ah, Sharky! Not when I’m jarred!
SHARKY (going to RICHARD, picking up a slipper). For fuck’s sake, Richard…
RICHARD. Ah, don’t be at me now, I’m not able for it. What time is it?
SHARKY. It’s half ten.
RICHARD. Oh God, I’m bursting… give us a hand, where’s me stick?
SHARKY, slipper in hand, looks around for RICHARD’s stick, while RICHARD shakily holds on to the chair, one slipper on, one slipper off.
Sharky!
SHARKY. I’m here!
RICHARD. God, it’s freezing! Where’s me stick?
SHARKY. I don’t know! Where did you put it?
RICHARD. If I knew where I put it, I’d have it!
SHARKY. Ah, don’t fucking start, I’m looking for it, if you’d’ve let me bring you up to bed last night you’d have everything…
RICHARD. Ivan was here! What was I gonna do, leave him sitting in here on his own?
SHARKY. No, you were too busy drinking your fucking brains out.
SHARKY goes towards the kitchen.
RICHARD. Hark at you! Hark at Sharky! That’s a good one! ‘The hypocrite’s voice haunts his own den!’
SHARKY returns with the stick.
SHARKY. Here, I have it.
RICHARD. Where was it?
SHARKY. It was outside the jacks door. Where it was yesterday as well.
SHARKY gives RICHARD the stick and crouches to help RICHARD get his slipper on.
RICHARD. Would you give me a hand and bring me through!!
SHARKY. I am! What do you think I’m doing?
SHARKY lifts RICHARD’s foot into his slipper.
RICHARD. Alright! I’m just asking… Jaysus, who got out of bed on the wrong side this morning?
SHARKY (helping RICHARD towards the passageway). Good fuck, Richard, you absolutely stink again, do you know that?
RICHARD. Yeah, happy Christmas to you as well!
SHARKY. Would you not let me put you in the bath? I’ll give you a nice shave.
RICHARD. I told you! Tomorrow! Christmas morning! What’s the point doing it today? I’ll only stink the place out for Santy!
SHARKY. Alright! Relax! You have me going deaf in that ear!
SHARKY opens the toilet door.
Ah, Richard, who did that all over the floor?
RICHARD. Well, I don’t know!
SHARKY. Come on, let me bring you upstairs I’ll give you a shave, come on.
RICHARD. I said tomorrow! Would you let me do my toilet please, Sharky? For… Jaysus’ sake will you come out of me road?
SHARKY (off). I am! Let me just wipe the seat…
RICHARD (storming in and ejecting SHARKY). Come out of me road!
The toilet door slams. SHARKY tidies up a few things, finding a bottle of Powers whiskey under a chair with about a quarter left. He goes to the stove and pokes around in there.
(Off.) Sharky!
SHARKY. What?
RICHARD (off). Is there not any jacks roll in here?
SHARKY. I don’t know! You’re in there!
RICHARD (off). Well, there’s none on the holder and I can’t feel on the floor…
SHARKY. Hold on!
SHARKY goes into the kitchen and takes a roll of tissue paper to the toilet.
RICHARD (off). Don’t come in!
SHARKY. Well, what do you want me to do?
RICHARD (off). Just hand me in some!
SHARKY. There’s only kitchen roll here, okay?
RICHARD (off). Just hand it in to me.
SHARKY. Here…
RICHARD (off). Where’s your hand?
SHARKY. Here! Here!
SHARKY slams the toilet door.
RICHARD (off). Don’t slam the door!
SHARKY reappears and begins laying the table for some breakfast, bringing out a bowl of mandarin oranges, and a Kellogg’s variety pack of various cereals in small boxes. He goes back into the kitchen. IVAN appears at the top of the stairs. He is a big burly man with a red face and curly hair. He wears a shirt tucked into his pants, the back sticking out. He feels his way gingerly down. SHARKY comes back with some milk and two bowls.
IVAN (sheepishly). Morning, Sharky.
SHARKY. Ivan! Did you stay over?
IVAN. Yeah, no, I couldn’t get a taxi. (Hands shaking…) Oh God, I feel terrible.
SHARKY. Have some breakfast.
IVAN. Oh God, I don’t know. Let me just… get my bearings for a minute, is that okay?
SHARKY. You don’t have to ask me that, Ivan. Sure, do whatever you…
IVAN. Yeah, no, I… can’t find my glasses. You didn’t see them?
SHARKY (looking). Em… Where did you… did you get a good kip?
IVAN. Yeah, yeah… I was dead to the world just then. What was all the shouting?
SHARKY. Ah, that was… (Signals ‘Richard’.)
IVAN. When did you get back?
SHARKY. I got back three… four days ago.
IVAN. Yeah?
SHARKY. Sure, I was talking to you last night!
IVAN. Were you here last night?
SHARKY. Yeah, I made yous hot whiskeys…
IVAN. Oh yeah…
SHARKY. Do you not remember?
IVAN. No yeah, no, no I do. Just I wasn’t even… sure I was only on my way home. I was only calling in to see if your man was alright… I certainly didn’t mean to still fucking be here! Jaysus…
SHARKY (laughs). Yeah, well… Listen, thanks for all the… calling in on him and… he’s… eh…
IVAN. Yeah, yeah, no, no bother. God, I’m gonna be killed…
SHARKY. Are you?
IVAN. No, there’s still a few Christmas bits I have to do. God, I’m gonna be killed now.
SHARKY. How is Karen keeping?
IVAN. Don’t talk to me.
SHARKY. Yeah?
IVAN. Don’t talk to me.
SHARKY. And the kids?
IVAN. Ah, they’re great, yeah. They’re grand, you know yourself.
SHARKY. Yeah, well that’s…
IVAN. Yeah…
Pause.
SHARKY (calling off). Are you alright there, Rich?
RICHARD (off). What’s wrong with ya?
SHARKY. No, I was just seeing if you were alright?
RICHARD (off). Would you leave me alone? I’m trying to go to the fucking toilet in here!
SHARKY. I’ll just grab the… the tea…
IVAN. Yeah, yeah, work away.
SHARKY goes into the kitchen. IVAN moves through the room a little, throwing his eye around quickly for something to drink. He can’t see anything. SHARKY comes back with a pot of tea and some cups then he goes to put some briquettes in the stove.
SHARKY. Here, were yous out the back last night?
IVAN. What? Oh! Yeah… Oh no, it was… [stupid.] Did you hear him?
SHARKY. Ah yeah, I heard him, I heard yous. I rolled over, I tried to just ignore it. Sure that’s…
IVAN. Yeah…
SHARKY.…that’s a regular…
IVAN. I know, mad!
SHARKY. What was it? The winos out in the lane?
IVAN. Yeah! We were sitting there at the fire and bang! Suddenly he gets up! I’m like, ‘What are you doing?’ He’s like, ‘Them winos are out in the lane again! I’m gonna kill them!’ he says, waving the fucking… stick around!
SHARKY. I know!
IVAN. Nearly took my fucking head off with it, and out he runs, off on out through the back there, it was nearly like he could see! You know?
SHARKY. I know!
IVAN (rubbing his elbow gingerly). And I… fucking went over, smack!… on them newspapers all in the back door there, trying to stop him! And then out in the garden or…! I didn’t know where I was!
SHARKY. I know. He’s a mad bollocks, Ivan.
IVAN. Ah no, he’s alright. He’s just… (Beat.) So, here, did I ask you this last night? How did you get on down in… Where was this you were?
SHARKY. I was down in Lahinch, in County Clare.
IVAN. Yeah?
SHARKY. Yeah, it was, it was, it was… it was great.
IVAN. You got on well?
SHARKY. Yeah, got on great. Down the country is great, you know…
IVAN. Ah, down the country’s smashing. Were you on the boats or…?
SHARKY. Nah… Can’t get a job on the boats. But the people I was working for were spot on…
IVAN. What were you doing? Chauffeur?
SHARKY. Yeah, I was doing a bit of driving for this developer guy… and his wife there and eh… (Short pause.) But I had to get back up because…
He signals ‘Richard’. They hear an attempt to flush the toilet.
IVAN. Ah yeah, no, fair play, Sharky. Oh here, Nicky Giblin was telling me, how’s the…
They stop to listen to RICHARD’s attempts to flush the toilet.
SHARKY (calling). Are you alright, Rich?
RICHARD (off). Ah, I can’t flush this fucking thing!
SHARKY. Do you want me to do it?
RICHARD (off). Is that Ivan out there?
SHARKY. He’s heard you.
IVAN (going towards kitchen door). Are you alright, Richard? Do you not want your brother?
RICHARD (off). No, Ivan, you’re strong. Come here and give this yoke a yank, will ya?
IVAN goes off to help RICHARD. SHARKY continues to get the breakfast and tidy up while IVAN and RICHARD attend to the toilet.
(Off.) That’s it – one more like that, Ivan…
IVAN (off). Here give us that till I stick it down the… hold on, come away…
The toilet flushes. IVAN leads RICHARD back out.
RICHARD. Well done, Ivan… sorry about that…
SHARKY. Lads, some breakfast.
IVAN (unable to consider it). Oh…
RICHARD. What is there?
SHARKY. There’s toast, if you want, there’s cereal…
RICHARD. What cereal?
SHARKY (looking at variety pack). There’s Cornflakes, there’s Frosties, there’s Coco Pops, there’s…
RICHARD (gravely). Em… Coco Pops…
SHARKY. Okay, and I’ve mandarin oranges, there’s tea, Ivan.
RICHARD. Did you not get coffee?
SHARKY (pouring out bowl of cereal). No, I told you, I forgot, I’ll get it today.
RICHARD. You know what I’d really like?
SHARKY. What?
RICHARD. Ivan? Irish coffee…
IVAN. Oh now…
RICHARD. Warm us up!
SHARKY. Yeah, well, we don’t even have coffee so…
RICHARD. Well, then, we’ll just have the Irish and no coffee – ha, Ivan?
SHARKY (going to kitchen). I’ll put on some toast.
RICHARD. Well, Ivan, how’s the head?
IVAN. Don’t talk to me, Rich. I can’t find my glasses. I’m like you, I’m feeling my way around.
RICHARD. Well, they have to be here somewhere. Did you have them when you got here?
IVAN. I’m assuming I did.
SHARKY comes back.
RICHARD (of SHARKY). Hey, check out Johnny Weismuller, off the drink for… what is it, Sharky? Two days?
SHARKY. What?
RICHARD. How long are you on the dry now? Two days, is it? I was just telling Ivan. The old delirium tremens must be fairly ramping up now, ha?
SHARKY ignores him.
IVAN. Yeah well, fair play. Hey, Shark, I was gonna ask you, how’s the nose? Nicky Giblin was telling me.
SHARKY signals to him not to continue with this line of enquiry. IVAN doesn’t twig it in time.
RICHARD. What’s this?
IVAN. Did he not tell you?
SHARKY (signalling to IVAN who finally sees him). No, it was nothing…
RICHARD. Tell me what?
Pause.
What? Tell me what?
IVAN. No… eh… Nicky was… (Dismissively.) Ah, you know Nicky…
RICHARD. I know Nicky well! What happened to you, Sharky?
SHARKY. Ah, it was nothing, it was…
RICHARD. What? Ivan?
IVAN. Ah… (To SHARKY.) Nicky was saying, I was only asking to see if you were… (To RICHARD.) Nicky was saying that Sharky got in a spot of bother there off someone there outside the Elphin and I was just…
RICHARD. When was this?
SHARKY. Ah, it was… it was the other evening… the night I got here.
RICHARD. You kept that very quiet! What happened?
SHARKY. Ah, it was fucking… I got off the Dart at Howth Junction and I was…
RICHARD. What did you get off at Howth Junction for?
SHARKY. Ah, I meant to go to Bayside or Sutton Cross, and I mixed it up and I…
RICHARD. You blew it!
SHARKY. Yeah, well, I was walking all up there, up the coast, and…
RICHARD. Why didn’t you get a taxi?
SHARKY. I had no cash!
RICHARD. Go on out of that, you were in the Elphin!
SHARKY. No, I went into the Elphin…
RICHARD (sarcastically, as though he had failed to see a big distinction). Oh!
SHARKY. I needed to make a phone call… my phone was…
RICHARD. Go on out of that! You were jarred from the train, you got off at the wrong fucking station…
SHARKY. I fucking…! I had two, three pints… (To IVAN.) ’cause young Cathy Wolfe was having her birthday in there and her da bought me one…
RICHARD. Oh… I see…
SHARKY. And then the end of the match was on and…
RICHARD. Ah, of course…
SHARKY. Ah, I’m not gonna fucking tell you if you’re…
RICHARD. No, I’m only having you on! What happened?
Pause.
SHARKY. Ah… I was coming out and there was some lads messing around, sitting on the bonnet of a car out there and…
Pause.
RICHARD. What happened?
SHARKY. Ah, I just said, ‘Come up off of that…’ as I was kind of walking by…
RICHARD. What?
SHARKY. Just, only, not even that serious, you know…
RICHARD. You fucking eejit…
SHARKY. And next thing, I’m down at the corner, they’re all around me! And your man is, ‘What did you fucking say?’ And all this. And I’m like, ‘Ah, lads, I was only…’ And then, one of them… he just gave me this unbelievable kick in the arse, you know? And it was so… it was so… the humiliation of it, like, and I…
RICHARD. Ah, Sharky…
SHARKY. I turned around and I threw a dig and I was… but there was loads of them and I got an awful couple of smacks in the… my nose was pumping, it’s alright now, but I had to leg it back into the Elphin. The fucking… streams of toilet roll I had stuck up my nose… it was so… The Wolfes put me in a cab, gave your man twenty euros to drop me up.
Short pause.
RICHARD. Why didn’t you say anything? (Short pause.) You fucking eejit!
SHARKY. Yeah, well, I’ll get the toast.
SHARKY goes into the kitchen.
IVAN. Mmm…
RICHARD. I mean, what can you do with a fella like that?
IVAN. Yeah, it was… they were all… Nicky Giblin was telling me…
RICHARD. Yeah, well, Nicky means well, I’m sure…
Short pause. IVAN checks to see if SHARKY is in earshot.
IVAN. Does Sharky know that Eileen is with Nicky now?
RICHARD. What? Ah, yeah… no that’s… Sure that’s… she called into me here about two weeks ago, did I tell you that?
IVAN. Who, Eileen?
RICHARD. Yeah, she was here, she does a morning or two cleaning for the Franciscan monks up there in the Friary. She called in to see if I was… to see how I was. We had smoked cod and chips from the chipper and everything. Ah, it was great, we were talking about (Re: SHARKY.) Head-the-ball… and Nicky and… yeah, the whole…
IVAN. Ah, I’m kind of avoiding Nicky, to be honest with you, Dick.
RICHARD. Why?
IVAN. Ah, there’s just always some fucking shite going on and I’m…
IVAN clams up as SHARKY returns with some toast.
SHARKY. Can you see there, Ivan?
IVAN. I can just about…
SHARKY. Would you… [help Richard]?
IVAN. Yeah, yeah, do you want some toast there, Dick?
IVAN starts to very shakily butter some toast as SHARKY nips back into the kitchen to get some for himself.
RICHARD. I tell you what I’d love. I’d love a big Irish breakfast! A big fry with all white pudding and a runny egg and all…
SHARKY returns with his own toast and a carton of orange juice.
Do you hear me, Sharky?
SHARKY. What?
RICHARD. We should be having a nice Christmassy breakfast. We have to get some decent grub in for tomorrow, Sharky, Christmas pud and the works. This is disgraceful!
SHARKY. Yeah, I’m going up now when I get dressed…
RICHARD. How will you go?
SHARKY. Do you have your car with you, Ivan?
Pause. IVAN looks at him blankly.
RICHARD. Do you have your car, Ivan?
IVAN. I can’t… I don’t know.
RICHARD. We’ll go in a taxi.
SHARKY. Are you coming as well?
RICHARD. Ah, let me get out for a bit, for Jaysus’ sake, Sharky, we might even get a Christmas pint…
SHARKY (sighing). Oh… well, wait now because if…
RICHARD. No, because we need to get a few bits in as well, Sharky, from the off-licence, in case anyone calls. We’ll get a taxi back, because I want to be settled in here now for Christmas Eve…
SHARKY. Yeah, but wait a minute, because if I have to…
RICHARD (suddenly despairing). I have so little left to live for!
Pause.
IVAN (reassuringly). Ah now, Richard…
RICHARD. What?! Yous don’t know. Yous don’t know.
SHARKY. No we’ll all… we’ll all go… we’ll get the few bits and…
IVAN. Sure you’ll be grand, you’ll have a grand Christmas here with Sharky here, and with you and all, and…
RICHARD (dismally). Yeah…
SHARKY. If we’re going out… will you have a wash?
RICHARD (shouting). I’ll have a wash tomorrow!! I told you! Now leave it!
Pause.
IVAN. God, I’ll have to find my glasses. Karen’ll kill me, God, what am I gonna say?
SHARKY. We’ll find them, I’ll have a look now in a minute before we go.
IVAN. Thanks, Sharky.
SHARKY. Tea, Rich?
RICHARD (sheepishly). Yeah, thanks.
SHARKY brings him a cup of tea.
I just don’t want to be cooped up all over the…
SHARKY. Yeah, I know, we’ll get out, we’ll get you some fresh air.
RICHARD. Yeah…
IVAN. Hey, any sign of your money there yet, Sharky? From the bus people?
SHARKY. What? Aw… Well, the…
RICHARD. Get this!
SHARKY. Well, no, because the solicitor fucking… he misdated the statement I gave him. About the… the actual night I fell down the stairs…
IVAN. What, the bus went round the wrong corner, or a different corner or something, was it?
SHARKY. Yeah, he went around the wrong corner up there at Christchurch there, he went around too early, and I was getting up to get off… but that’s… no one is disputing that, but the date, you see, on the… affidavit, it’s the wrong date and…
IVAN. Can you not just…?
SHARKY. Nah, the courts are…
RICHARD. He put the wrong year on it!
SHARKY. The whole thing has been put right back now, I don’t even know if…
IVAN. But can he not just change the…
RICHARD. It’s a shambles…
IVAN.…the year…
SHARKY. No…
IVAN.…if it was just a mistake…
RICHARD. Ivan, the law… the law is the law. It has to be.
IVAN. Yeah…
SHARKY. So now I have to look at…
IVAN. Yeah, if you keep going with it…
SHARKY. No, if I want to start the whole thing off again…
IVAN. What?
RICHARD. Yeah. Seven-and-a-half years he’s been…
SHARKY. Ah, it doesn’t matter, it’s too…
IVAN. Jaysus, that’s a pain in the bollocks, isn’t it?
SHARKY. Ah it’s…
Waving it away.
IVAN. ’Cause I’d say you could’ve done with the few bob…
SHARKY. Yeah well…
IVAN. Nightmare…
RICHARD. Of course, he was using your man, that solicitor out of Kilbarrack.
SHARKY. Yeah, alright, Rich…
IVAN. That drinks in The Fox & Hound?!
RICHARD. Yeah, your man that does be falling around the car park!
SHARKY. Ah no, see it was him that…
RICHARD (shaking his head). Sharky…
SHARKY. I was never even gonna take a case! It was him that… I mean…
RICHARD. What a shambles…
SHARKY. Yeah, well…
IVAN. Aw well, I’m sorry to hear that, Shark. I only saw your man the other week there actually, and the Baker, and Steady Eddie and all them lads were down in Grainger’s, do you know what they were talking about? Do you remember Maurice Macken?
RICHARD. That used drive the milk lorry?
IVAN. Yeah, and then he got into the electrical trade. Do you remember him, Sharky?
SHARKY. The skinny fella?
IVAN. Yeah, Maurice Macken used play a lot of cards all up around Sutton and Howth, you heard what happened him?
RICHARD. Oh yeah, I heard all about that.
SHARKY. Was this in the paper?
IVAN. Yeah it was all in the paper, you would’ve seen it. He was electrocuted up in a house where he was working in Santry. There was a tremendous bang! Blew him right across the room, I believe. One of his fillings ended up in his ear. Somehow he survived. They let him go home out of Beaumont Hospital, and then there was a fire in his house that night! And he was gone!
RICHARD. Gobshite…
SHARKY. Jaysus, that’s mad.
IVAN. His number was up! His number was just up and he was going to have to go, one way or the other, you know what I mean, mad! Survived the electrocution only to be burned!
RICHARD. Fucking eejit…
IVAN. But listen, what the lads were saying up in Grainger’s – two people, two different people, now, have seen him hanging around at the off-licence serving hatch round the side near the car park.
RICHARD (incredulously). Come on!
IVAN. Two different people saw him, Dick, on different nights. And apparently a barman tidying up after they were closed said he heard someone shouting in the jacks – and when he went in, there was no one there.
RICHARD. That’s bollocks.
IVAN. Yeah, well, apparently he looks really white. He was standing near the hatch. Big Bernard’s cousin saw him. Apparently he was just standing there looking out into the car park, like he was waiting on a lift or something.
RICHARD. Go on out of that! What’s he waiting on? A few cans?
He laughs.
IVAN (to SHARKY). Spooky though, isn’t it?
SHARKY. Yeah, well…
RICHARD (mildly derisive). Yeah, right…
Suddenly there are three loud bangs at the front door upstairs. RICHARD jumps with fright.
Fucking hell! Who’s that?
SHARKY (going up the stairs). Probably the postman…
RICHARD. We have a letter box! For the love of God…
Short pause.
IVAN (sighing). Yeah…
RICHARD. Ivan, quick, where did he put that Gold Label?
IVAN (quickly squinting around). I can’t fucking see, Dick…
RICHARD. Have a look in the kitchen, go on, quick.
IVAN strides purposefully towards the kitchen.
On top of the fridge or in the press with the pots…
IVAN disappears into the kitchen and returns quickly with the bottle SHARKY put away earlier, unscrewing the lid…
IVAN. Here, Rich, give us your cup.
RICHARD (offering his cup of tea to IVAN). Pour that out.
IVAN takes RICHARD’s cup and wildly looks for somewhere to pour it out, deciding eventually to pour it on to the carpet nearby, bending low so as not to make a splashing sound, he then rubs the steaming carpet with his foot and pours a big dollop of whiskey into RICHARD’s cup, handing it to him. RICHARD raises it to his mouth immediately. IVAN goes to the table to look for a cup for himself, swigging a mouthful of whiskey from the neck of the bottle as he does so.
He grabs a mug and pours some whiskey, wheeling around to give RICHARD another shot, as RICHARD instinctively holds his cup out for it. Both men are retching and making faces as though their throats are burning. Their arms and legs undergo a rudimentary stretch as they seem to come alive. IVAN pours some tea on top of the whiskey in his cup and conceals the bottle while SHARKY appears at the top of the stairs, descending with a tastefully gift-wrapped box.
(Brightly.) What was it, Shark?
SHARKY. Postman.
IVAN. Look at that!
RICHARD. What is it?
SHARKY. It’s a… it’s a present…
RICHARD. For who?
SHARKY. For me.
RICHARD. Who’s it from?
SHARKY. Ah, the, the people I was working for down in Clare… His wife, Miriam, she’s very… you know… (To IVAN.) She’s a very nice lady, she’s eh…
RICHARD. Wooooooooo! (Childishly.) The big birthday present!
SHARKY. It’s a Christmas present, you dozy fucking eejit.
RICHARD. Oh! (Same tone.) A Christmas present! Anything good?
SHARKY (handing RICHARD an envelope). Here, there’s a card here for you.
RICHARD. Who’s it from?
SHARKY. The Department of Social Welfare.
RICHARD (throwing it away). Ah, that’s only my balls!
SHARKY opens the card that came with his present and stands there reading it. IVAN slurps his tea…
Well? What is it?
SHARKY looks at him as though coming out of a daze…
SHARKY. What?
IVAN. Are you gonna open it up?
RICHARD. Yes! Cheer us all up! Presents arriving for Sharky! I mean, what next?
SHARKY takes the wrapping off…
What is it?
SHARKY. It’s a few CDs.
IVAN. Nice one!
RICHARD (childishly). Wooooooo, music to put you in the mood…! For getting in your nude…!
IVAN. Hey, she knows her stuff! Some of these are classics! Here, put one on!
RICHARD. No! Later! We have to go and get the few bits for the Christmas! Come on…
IVAN. I have to find my glasses!
RICHARD. Sharky’ll look for them. Sharky, have a quick look for Ivan’s specs, will you?
SHARKY. Where would they be, Ivan? Where did you sleep?
IVAN. Eh, in the box room.
SHARKY. There’s no bed in there!
IVAN. I slept on the rug.
SHARKY. The rug?
RICHARD. Ah, Ivan…
IVAN. Ah, no, there was towels, and there was…
SHARKY. I’ll have a quick look. (Going off up the stairs.) You should’ve slept in the spare room…
IVAN. Ah no, I was grand I was fine…
RICHARD. Did you just sleep on the floor? Like an animal?
IVAN. No, I slept on the rug.
RICHARD. Ah, I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Give us a hand, Ivan, will you?
IVAN (helping RICHARD up). I thought Sharky was in the spare room.
RICHARD. I often just go off here at the fire. (Coughs up some deeply embedded old phlegm and rubs it into the side of his armchair.) You should have got into my bed.
IVAN. Nah, I wouldn’t do that, Dick. Here, do you want your shoes?
RICHARD. Ah, sure we’ll get a taxi, my slippers is grand. I don’t expect we’ll be walking the street like hobos. Just get us my anorak hanging up there behind the kitchen door.
IVAN goes to the kitchen. RICHARD feels around for his cup. IVAN brings the anorak and starts looking for his own coat.
Is that Gold Label dead? We have to make a list. We have nothing organised. That’s your man, of course. He was supposed to get up to me weeks ago. His head is arseways. You’re seeing him on the dry now, that’s why he’s running around in here like a fly in a bottle.
IVAN finds his own coat which he puts on and goes to retrieve the bottle from whatever nook he hid it in. There is only a swig left in it.
But of course then with jar on him he’s worse! Throwing digs outside the Elphin! Or getting in mills outside the chipper on Kilbarrack Road the last time he was here! Getting arrested by the Guards up in Howth! I mean what am I going to do?
As IVAN drains the last shot of whiskey straight from the bottle…
Here, is there a shot left in that Powers, Ivan?
IVAN. Nah, we’ve had it. Here do you want your anorak, Dick?
RICHARD (sighing heavily). Yeah…
IVAN helps RICHARD to put his coat on.
Here, if you’re gonna be round tomorrow, you should drop in, do you know what I have that I’ve been saving? A drop of Brigid Blake’s poitín, that Big Bernard got me…
IVAN. Oh, look out!
RICHARD. That’ll fucking…
He makes a high-pitched whistle, pointing to his head. IVAN laughs. SHARKY descends. He has got dressed and wears his coat.
SHARKY. Ivan, I can’t see your glasses anywhere.
RICHARD. Ah, they have to be somewhere, Sharky!
SHARKY. Do you not have a spare pair at home’ll do you till…?
IVAN. Yeah, I think I… they’re an older prescription, if I can find them… Oh God, Karen is gonna kill me.
RICHARD. No, no she won’t! I’ll ring her, I’ll say I had them here, it’ll be grand. Sharky, get a pen, we need to make a list. Ivan, I expect we’ll be seeing you over the Christmas, I’ll be very disappointed if we didn’t, so Sharky, Harp, what, four six-packs?
SHARKY (grabbing a pen). Yeah, Harp…
IVAN. Ah, don’t just do that for me, Rich. Sharky, I’ll drink whatever’s going.
RICHARD (pointing imperiously). No. Sharky.
SHARKY (writing). Yeah, Harp. Stout, Richard?
RICHARD. Yeah and Paddy Powers. Get three bottles.
SHARKY. Three bottles? The off-licence is open again on Monday, Rich.
RICHARD. If we have visitors they may want a hot whiskey. It’s called being festive. I know you may not comprehend it, Sharky, but some us like to be social. Ivan, Christmas? You have to!
IVAN. Ah, Christmas is great!
RICHARD. And Miller for Nicky.
SHARKY. For Nicky Giblin?
RICHARD. Nicky drinks Miller, Sharky. We all understand that you have issues with life and it’s an endless struggle for you to grasp human relationships, but Nicky is a friend of mine. And a friend of Ivan’s… and…
IVAN. Ah, he can be very messy, Richard.
RICHARD (with finality). The man is welcome here!
SHARKY (writing). Bottles of Miller.
RICHARD. Thank you.
SHARKY. What’ll I get for tomorrow? A chicken?
RICHARD. Turkey! Turkey!
SHARKY. We won’t get a turkey now at this stage, Rich…
IVAN. Karen is doing us a big turkey tomorrow, I could drop down with maybe a few…
RICHARD. No, no, Ivan, we couldn’t do that to you, we’ll get a turkey, don’t worry about it…
SHARKY (sucking his pen). I mean we might be able to get a piece of em…
RICHARD. Look! Let’s go!
SHARKY. Do you not want to make a list?
RICHARD. Yeah, yeah, we’ll get all that when we’re there. We’ll see all that. Ivan, will you take me out the back way and we’ll hail a taxi on the road, I want to check them awful fucking winos haven’t been messing around at our laneway door.
IVAN is leading RICHARD out towards the yard.
Will you lock up, Sharky?
SHARKY. Yeah.
RICHARD. We’ll see you out on the road. (As they go.) All the kids’ presents got then, Ivan?
IVAN. Ah, yeah… I think they are.
RICHARD. Well, I hope so, says you!
As they leave through the back door, SHARKY folds up the list and puts it in his pocket. He takes out his keys and goes to lock the back door. He comes back into the silence and picks up the card he received. He looks at it for a moment, then briskly puts it in his pocket and leaves, running up the stairs.
We hear the wind and perhaps music plays as the lights slowly change from bright morning to a dusky feel and we slide into:
The wind is picking up outside as the sunlight fades and the temperature drops. The music dies away as SHARKY comes down the stairs with bags of shopping, mostly from the off-licence, which he takes into the kitchen. A church bell chimes solemnly somewhere off in the distance. He reappears, switches on a lamp or two, bends down under the scraggy old Christmas tree and plugs in some coloured fairy lights. He sees two little presents wrapped up there. He picks one up and looks at it for a moment, wondering about it before he puts it back. He goes back up the stairs, pausing to tap the extinguished light under the Sacred Heart. It doesn’t come on and he continues up to the hall to get the rest of the shopping and reappears, carrying more bags. As he descends we hear RICHARD calling from off, up in the hallway.
RICHARD (off). What are you fucking doing?
SHARKY (halting and turning). What?
RICHARD (off). What, were you gonna just leave me up here?
SHARKY. I thought you could manage your way down!
RICHARD (off). Ah, not when I’m jarred, Sharky!
SHARKY. Just give me a second.
SHARKY carries the bags down, leaving them at the bottom of the stairs, and makes his way back up.
RICHARD (off). I’m freezing!
SHARKY reappears, helping RICHARD down.
You are in one foul humour today…
SHARKY. Richard, now, please don’t start…
RICHARD (warmly, paternally). What’s the matter with you?
SHARKY. Richard…
RICHARD. What…
SHARKY. Nothing’s the matter with me.
RICHARD stands in the room rubbing his hands. SHARKY starts clearing a few things away, taking the breakfast things on a tray into the kitchen.
RICHARD. God, it’s freezing! Would you get the fire going for the love of Jaysus, Shark?
SHARKY. I am! I’m doing it! I’ve a million things to do here, just give me a second, would you?
RICHARD (as though SHARKY has completely overreacted). Okay! Okay!
SHARKY returns, goes to the stove, puts some peat briquettes in and sets about lighting it.
God, I never seen such a Christmas wrecker! Would you not have left the old Kaliber out for today and had a drink with me and Ivan… and…
SHARKY (working at the stove). I’m pissed off with you, Richard.
RICHARD. With me? Why? What did I do now?
SHARKY. What did you have to go and invite Nicky Giblin up here for?
RICHARD. When?
SHARKY. When Big Bernard let you speak to him on his mobile.
RICHARD. Ah, that was only a happy Christmas, Jimmy, come on…
SHARKY. You told him to call in to us…
RICHARD. But sure, that’s what you say! That’s what everybody says!
SHARKY. You told him to call in to play cards!
RICHARD. That’s… that’s just what you say! Anyway – so what?! Would you stop being such a curmudgeonly old bollocks your whole life, will you?
Pause. SHARKY works…
(Warmly, drunkenly conciliatory.) Ah, Sharky… I only said to stick the head in if he was in the area…
SHARKY. You don’t fucking say that to fellas like Nicky, Dick. He’ll be in on top of us before you know it!
RICHARD. No he won’t! He was elephants! He was down in the Brookwood Inn of all places! How the hell is he gonna rock up here? In a taxi? I don’t think so! Hey, is there ’ere a Christmas drink going a-begging around here?
SHARKY. Yeah, well, I saw him the other day, and he was driving my car, Richard.
RICHARD. Who?
SHARKY. Nicky Giblin!
RICHARD. Yeah, well, you gave your car to Eileen!
SHARKY. I loaned it to her for the school run, Dick. I didn’t ever expect to see that fucker driving around in it! I saw him pulling out of the shops down there in Bayside, and I was walking down to get the Dart in the pissing rain! And he was in my car!
RICHARD. Ah, grow up, Sharky! What do you want? Him and Eileen are together now, so get over it, ’cause that’s life, okay? Now would you ever give us a Jaysus fucking drink, you’re gonna blow the whole Christmas atmosphere. This is all I have! And how many do I have left? Maybe only this one! Maybe that’s it for me!
SHARKY. What are you talking about?
RICHARD. Ah! It’s hardly even worth it!… What’s the point?
RICHARD turns away in disgust. SHARKY takes the rest of the shopping into the kitchen. RICHARD opens his coat and makes his way unsteadily towards his armchair and sits forlornly. SHARKY re-emerges with a glass of whiskey for him.
SHARKY. Here… Richard…
RICHARD. What?
SHARKY (putting the drink in RICHARD’s hand). Here…
RICHARD. Ah, thanks, Sharky.
SHARKY takes a festive-looking candle in a red glass holder from a bag. He is tearing the price and the cellophane wrapping off and bringing it to the windowsill.
What’s that?
SHARKY. Hmm?
RICHARD. What are you doing, there?
SHARKY. Ah, I’m just gonna put an old candle in the window.
RICHARD. Ah, that’s nice. That’s more like it, Sharky. I never like it when you’re down. It changes the whole…
SHARKY. Would you like some smoked salmon and brown bread?
RICHARD. Oh, now, that sounds… Ah, thanks, Sharky… thanks. Delicious!
SHARKY. Keep us going anyway… Is that getting warm?
RICHARD. Oh, we’re warming up now…
SHARKY goes towards the kitchen.
Oh, Sharky. Just one… just one small thing, quickly, before you do that.
SHARKY. Yeah?
RICHARD. You wouldn’t take a basin of hot water down out to the back door at the lane…? Them filthy fucking winos have all puke and piss and everything else all down our step all up the fucking door out there…
SHARKY (face dropping). Are you serious?
RICHARD. Ah, it’s absolutely disgusting. We can’t leave it like that on Christmas Eve… It’ll only take you a minute… Good man…
SHARKY goes unhappily to the kitchen to boil the kettle. RICHARD cosily raises his shoulders as though he is snuggling down into a lovely warm bed.
Now, this is nice now. It’s getting nice and Christmassy now…
There is a loud rapping at the front door upstairs. RICHARD turns to profile. SHARKY steps back into the room…
Sharky!
SHARKY. I hear it.
RICHARD. Well, get it, will you!
SHARKY. I’m not gonna get it, I told you I don’t want Nicky Giblin in here, I just don’t want it.
RICHARD. What!?
There are more loud raps at the door…
SHARKY. I told you, Richard! Why do you have to do this to me?
RICHARD. What are you talking about? I’m not doing anything to you. Don’t be a fucking child, will you, and get the door, for God’s sake…
SHARKY just stands there looking at RICHARD. RICHARD suddenly bursts up out of his chair…
I’ll get it myself!
With surprising speed, RICHARD darts towards the staircase. He hits the wall, collapses, bounces up again, grabs the banister and attempts to pull himself up the stairs…
SHARKY. Richard! Hold on, will you?
SHARKY runs across and grabs RICHARD. RICHARD stumbles and falls backwards into SHARKY’s arms, the two of them sinking to the ground as the doorbell rings.
RICHARD. What are you fucking doing?!
SHARKY. What are you fucking doing? Come back over here and sit down, will you?
SHARKY bundles RICHARD towards his chair…
For fuck’s sake…
RICHARD. Will you get the door?
SHARKY. Yeah, will you just sit down please?
SHARKY storms angrily off up the stairs. RICHARD gets up and feels around for his glass which has fallen somewhere… We hear SHARKY’s voice off upstairs…
(Off.) No, no, it’s no problem! Don’t be silly… come on, come on down to Richard.
IVAN (off). I’m sorry, Sharky.
SHARKY leads IVAN down.
I’m sorry, Richard, I’m sorry to…
RICHARD. Who is it? Ivan?
IVAN. Richard, I’m sorry, I’m barging in on you again… I’m sorry, Sharky…
SHARKY. No…
RICHARD. What’s the matter with you?
IVAN. Karen’s after completely doing her nut.
RICHARD. What? Why?
IVAN. Ah, even if I… I should’ve just gone straight home it might have been different. But after you left and I was gonna head, I was just standing outside Doyle’s with Big Bernard having a smoke, she was coming out of the post office and I didn’t have my glasses and I didn’t see her and…
RICHARD. Did you not get your spare glasses?
IVAN. I didn’t even get in the house, Dick! She fucking reefed me out of it! (His face crumples in pain.) The kids were there and… (A sudden impassioned plea.) I only went in to have that quick one with yous! I was on my way home! Yous know that! But sure then there was people buying me Christmas pints left and right – I couldn’t even see who they were to say to say no! (Sinks into a chair.) This is a disaster!
RICHARD. Ah now, come on, Ivan…
IVAN. I hate it when the kids see us fighting and…
RICHARD. These things happen.
IVAN. Now I’m after ruining Christmas on them all – (Beat.) again!
RICHARD. No, you haven’t! She’ll calm down… Just take it easy… Sharky, where’s your manners? Will you get poor Ivan something to drink?
SHARKY. I’ll tell you what. I’ve a nice bit of smoked salmon we were gonna have, and there’s little mince pies I was gonna heat up. Will you have one, Ivan?
IVAN (rubbing his face). Oh, I don’t know…
SHARKY. Ah, it’ll do you good, Ivan…
IVAN. I suppose… thanks, Sharky.
RICHARD. Yeah, great, and get him a drink, will you, Sharky? Good man.
SHARKY goes to the kitchen.
Now, not to worry, Ivan. The woman is being completely unreasonable, she’ll come round, just you watch. And we’ll be nice and cosy here now and we’ll figure it out…
SHARKY returns with some glasses, a can of Harp for IVAN, and a bottle of whiskey for RICHARD.
Sharky. (A little laugh.) Excuse me, I lost my drink in the… in the confusion there…
SHARKY. I have one here for you.
RICHARD. Ah, thanks. Hey, I know! Sharky’ll go back up with you, Ivan.
SHARKY impotently shoots a look at RICHARD.
Sharky, you’ll explain! His glasses have to be here somewhere! And we can…
IVAN. Oh, I don’t know, I wouldn’t go up there now at the moment, Sharky. She absolutely now… she fucking reefed me out of it. There was people all standing there looking at us… even Bernard just went back in. It was awful. The kids were there…
RICHARD. No, no, we’ll let her cool down, absolutely…
SHARKY gives IVAN a glass of beer.
IVAN. Thanks, Sharky.
RICHARD. Yeah, and get the mince pies, we’ll get nice and Christmassy here now.
SHARKY. Yeah, I’ve the oven heating up.
RICHARD. Oh and listen, don’t forget to wash that auld step and the door in the lane, will you?
SHARKY. Yeah, I’ll do it…
RICHARD. Good man, Sharky.
SHARKY goes.
(Raising his glass, brightly.) Now! Happy Christmas!
IVAN. Yeah… happy Christmas…
RICHARD. Sure here we are, aren’t we? Ha? We’re having a nice Christmas drink. And we’ll let the whole… Ivan, are you listening to me?
IVAN. Yeah. No, I am…
RICHARD. The whole situation will… (Signals ‘Settle down’.) And we’ll talk to her and… And we’ll all be right as dodgers. Do you hear me?
IVAN. Yeah, I’m sorry, Richard.
RICHARD. No, no, no, no, no, no, no… Come on! When I used clean windows all up along, all up the coast all up into Sutton, I saw every conceivable kind of men and women all shacked up in myriad… (With sudden force.) myriad, states of confusion and banjaxed relationships. Believe me, she’d have been rid of you long ago at this stage if your marriage wasn’t strong enough to weather a tiny little bump every now and again… (Laughs.) It’s Christmas Eve! Ivan. Ivan…
IVAN just looks up silently into RICHARD’s blind eyes. The doorbell rings, a loud cutting sound. IVAN looks up and then back at RICHARD. Pause.
(Calling.) SHARKY! (Pause.) Ah, he’s out the back. You wouldn’t go up and answer that for us, would you, Ivan?
IVAN. Yeah, no…
He shoots his drink back and goes up the stairs.
RICHARD. Ah thanks, good man. (Starts to sing tunelessly.) ‘Oh the weather outside is frightening, it’s dark and there’s thunder and lightning…’
He suddenly hunches and shudders, holding his shoulders as though someone has walked over his grave. We hear voices off and then see NICKY’s legs descending. It is completely dark outside by now.
NICKY (off). Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, yeah! (In Irish.) ‘Is mise le meas, Sean Lemass!’ (Laughs.) Did you see all the Christmas lights all up the… Aw no, no, no, no, no, no… We won’t stay long if he’s… Come down, Mr Lockhart!
NICKY descends into the room followed by IVAN and LOCKHART.
RICHARD (rising). Nicky!
NICKY. Happy Christmas! Happy Christmas! Happy Christmas!
NICKY GIBLIN has a skinny, nervy appearance. He rarely seems in bad humour. He is about SHARKY’s age or maybe younger. He wears a tatty-looking anorak and threadbare grey slacks that are slightly too short for him, revealing white towelling sport socks in low-cut, dark, wine-coloured slip-on shoes. LOCKHART is a man in his fifties perhaps. He is well dressed with a camel-hair Crombie overcoat, a silk scarf, a fine trilby hat and an expensive-looking suit. He looks like a wealthy businessman and bon viveur. Both he and NICKY glow warmly with festive indulgence.
RICHARD. And a happy Christmas to you, Nicky!
They embrace fondly. NICKY produces a gift-wrapped bottle of whiskey from his anorak pocket.
NICKY. And I brought you just a little…
RICHARD (mildly remonstrating). Ah, Nicky…
NICKY (dismissive). Ah, go on, would you? Sure where you would you be without the old Christmas, and I was just saying to… Sorry, this is… Richard, this is Mr Lockhart.
RICHARD. Mr Lockhart! Pleased to meet you. Season’s greetings!
LOCKHART. And to you too, Mr Harkin. I hope you don’t mind us crashing in on you here now…
RICHARD. What are you talking about? Not at all! Not at all! Of course not! Will you have a drop of… Nicky! We have Miller! Ivan, will you get a glass there for… I got Miller in especially for you, Nicky. Ivan, it’s in the… it’s probably in the kitchen there. Ask Sharky, will you?
NICKY. Is Sharky here?
RICHARD. Mr Lockhart? Will you have a drop? Is this what I think it is? Or a drop of stout or…
LOCKHART. I’ll take a small Irish whiskey if you have it, Mr Harkin.
NICKY. And you do have it! Right there!
RICHARD. Ah, Nicky… And Mr Lockhart, please, call me Richard… Ivan, here will you…
He holds the bottle out.
IVAN. Ha?
RICHARD. Will you take this and… (Thinks better of it.) or actually, just bring me a glass for Mr Lockhart, and a bottle of Miller for Nicky out of the fridge there, or it should be… just ask Sharky. Please excuse me, Mr Lockhart. Unfortunately my sight is… I fell into a skip and I…
I have no sight.
IVAN goes to the kitchen.
LOCKHART. God help you.
RICHARD. And this is my, this is my first Christmas here in the dark, so to speak… so it’s eh…
LOCKHART. Yes. But let me say, you have a fine holy glow off you, all the same.
RICHARD. I say me prayers!
LOCKHART. I can see it.
NICKY. And the old mind burns brightly, Richard, ha?
RICHARD. Ah, well, I don’t know…
NICKY. No, no! To me, here now, sure you seem absolutely no different at all.
RICHARD. Ah, Nicky…
NICKY. No, it’s true! So you got out for a Christmas drink?
RICHARD. Yes! We were down in Doyle’s. Ivan was there and Big Bernard and Steady Eddie and the bouncy-castle fella was singing hymns and, ah, it was brilliant…
IVAN returns with a drink for NICKY, a glass for LOCKHART and a glass for himself. The glasses are somewhat mixed and unsuitable but usable, e.g. perhaps he is using a little jug for himself…
NICKY (to IVAN). Is Sharky here?
IVAN. I think he’s out in the…
RICHARD. Ah, don’t mind him, he’s off the drink – for Christmas! – and he has all our heads wrecked. So tell us, where were you? (Proffering bottle.) Here, Mr Lockhart!
NICKY takes the bottle from RICHARD to pour a drink for LOCKHART.
NICKY. Where weren’t we? Is the question! Good God – we’ve been… Well, what happened was, I’d a few bits to do with Eileen down in Killester, so she went off and I went into the Beachcomber – fucking nobody in it! (To LOCKHART.) What time was that at?
LOCKHART. About twelve?
NICKY. Twelve o’clock, nobody in there. I think, ‘Right, I’ll just have a quick pint and head on…’ But then I see Mr Lockhart is sitting up at the bar, who I know from up in the Marine… Mr Lockhart, you’d do a lot of your drinking up in the Marine Hotel…
LOCKHART. I’ve been known to frequent the premises…
They all laugh.
NICKY. And we know each other from me calling up there to see my brother Eric… so we have a pint, but there was no atmosphere, so fuck it, we left – up to the Yacht.
LOCKHART. No, Harry Byrne’s.
NICKY. Sorry no, Harry Byrne’s…
RICHARD. Oh, very posh!
NICKY (pouring drinks for LOCKHART, RICHARD and IVAN). Oh yeah, they had the fires lit and then we were in the Yacht… which was hopping.
RICHARD. Jaysus, yous were getting around!
NICKY. That was only the start of it! The Yacht, the Dollymount House…
LOCKHART. The Raheny Inn…
NICKY. The Raheny Inn, the Green Dolphin, the Station House, the Cedars, the Elphin – your man – (Indicating LOCKHART.) won’t let me put my hand in my pocket – this is taxis everywhere now!
RICHARD. Very wise… God yous were…
NICKY. Then back all the way up to Edenmore, Eugene’s, the Concorde… the bleeding Brookwood Inn! (Laughs.) And then up here.
RICHARD. My God, that’s a right Christmas drink, Nicky!
NICKY. Yeah well, Mr Lockhart had to say happy Christmas to a few people… (Suddenly to LOCKHART.) We never tracked them down!
LOCKHART. And I’m glad we didn’t! Because we would never have made it up here! Anyway, as soon as a sing-along starts, I’m out of a place, that’s just the way I am… But we’re here now, and that’s it!
RICHARD. Well, I’m glad you’re here!
LOCKHART. Yes, and we’ll say happy Christmas – (Raises his glass in a toast.) and we’ll have a toast…
NICKY (raising glass). Yes.
IVAN has just taken a big gulp of whiskey. His glass is empty, so he spits the whiskey back into the glass for the toast…
LOCKHART. To old friends and old times!
RICHARD. And new friends!
NICKY. Exactly! Cheers!
RICHARD. Happy Christmas!
NICKY. Happy Christmas!
They all drink deeply.
(Taking the bottle to give refills.) So where’s Sharky? God, I haven’t seen him in ages…
RICHARD. Ivan, get Sharky there, will you?
IVAN. Yeah, I’ll…
He goes out through the kitchen.
RICHARD. There’s a good man.
NICKY. How is he doing? Alright?
RICHARD. Ah, Nicky, sure you know yourself. This is my brother, Mr Lockhart. He claims he’s here to look after me, but between ourselves, he’s an awful useless fucking eejit, God love him. I don’t know who’s looking after who!
NICKY. Sure you’d be well able to look after yourself, Dick…
RICHARD. This is it. If they can get me one of those dogs that bring you your meals… or even someone just to do a tiny bit of shopping. Sure all I really need is the bit of company really.
NICKY. Well, I knew you’d up for a bit of companionship and when I mentioned to Mr Lockhart that there might be an old game of cards on the horizon, he was very, eh…
LOCKHART. Well, there’s nothing like a game of cards at Christmas.
RICHARD. You’re so right! And you’re welcome, Mr Lockhart. We’re only amateurs now you understand.
NICKY. Go on out of that! You’ll have to watch yourself, Mr Lockhart, you’ll be fleeced for Christmas!
RICHARD. Yeah, right!
LOCKHART. No fear! I’m not a big gambler myself necessarily. To be honest with you I just like the social… ness and the crack.
RICHARD. Well, this is it! There’s no big gamblers here, Mr Lockhart. Why can’t a game of cards be just for fun? You know what I mean?
SHARKY and IVAN appear from the kitchen. SHARKY is wearing an apron and rubber gloves and carrying a filthy cloth. Pause.
NICKY. Ah, there you are, Sharky! Happy Christmas!
NICKY goes to him to shake hands. SHARKY removes a glove to shake his hand dutifully.
SHARKY. Yeah, happy Christmas, Nicky.
NICKY. Eileen sends her regards. We hope you’ll pop in over the…
SHARKY. Yeah, sure…
NICKY. This is Mr Lockhart.
LOCKHART. Sharky. A pleasure.
SHARKY. How do you do.
As they shake hands, SHARKY is wondering where he knows LOCKHART from.
NICKY. Mr Lockhart said he’d pop in to help us make up the old numbers for a game of cards…
LOCKHART. I hope you don’t mind, Sharky…
SHARKY. No. I just didn’t know we were playing cards.
NICKY. Ah, it’s a tradition, Sharky! Ivan, you’ll play…
IVAN. Well, yeah, I’ll… No, I’ve no… I’ve no money on me ’cause…
RICHARD. Don’t worry about that, Ivan. Of course he’ll play, we’ll all play!
SHARKY (to RICHARD). How will you read your cards?
RICHARD. Ivan and me’ll play together! Ivan, you can read our cards and I’ll bankroll us. How does that sound?
IVAN. Yeah, that’s… that’d suit me…
RICHARD. And we’ll split our takings fifty-fifty. Sure, I’m probably gonna have to bankroll Sharky anyway!
NICKY. Ivan’ll be the eyes and Richard’ll be the ears!
RICHARD. And the brains!
LOCKHART. Now, you’re sure I’m not barging in on your…
RICHARD. Not at all! Not at all! You’re welcome. We’ll take all of Nicky’s money. Do you have any collateral, Nicky?
NICKY. Always. Feel that.
He holds out his arm for RICHARD.
RICHARD. Feel what?
NICKY. You feel that fabric?
RICHARD feels the arm of NICKY’s anorak.
RICHARD. Oh, nice!
NICKY. This is a Versace jacket.
RICHARD. Yes…
IVAN. Is it?
NICKY (to IVAN). Feel that.
RICHARD. It’s nice…
NICKY. You feel that? It’s dog’s skin.
IVAN. What?
NICKY (laughing). No, it’s not dog’s skin. It’s called dog’s skin. It’s German. Right, Mr Lockhart?
LOCKHART. Yup.
RICHARD. It’s nice, Nicky.
IVAN (incredulous). That’s a Versace jacket?
NICKY (defensively). Yeah… Well… no, like it needs a wash for Christmas, only ’cause I wear it all the time, but it’s eh… yeah, you know?
RICHARD. You might tell Sharky where he’d get a nice jacket like that, Nicky.
NICKY. Jacket like this? Two, three grand, Richard.
IVAN. What?!
NICKY. Oh, big time! Oh here, Ivan, are you still driving that old orange Ford Fiesta?
IVAN. Yeah…
NICKY. ’Cause didn’t we see, Mr Lockhart? There was a load of old winos out there sitting on it, you don’t want that.
IVAN. What? Is my car here?
NICKY. Yeah. (To LOCKHART.) Didn’t I point it out to you? And I fucking said it…
LOCKHART. Yeah, it’s parked up around the other side of the green out there sort of half up on the path on the corner.
RICHARD (springing into action). Them fucking winos!! Come on, we can go out this way! Ivan, give me a hand. Show us where, Nicky.
SHARKY. Richard!
RICHARD goes towards the kitchen, taking hold of IVAN’s arm.
RICHARD. We won’t be long, Mr Lockhart. The winos are always scared of me. Drinking that old meths always has them nervy, you see. Sharky, you look after Mr Lockhart. Come on! We’ll have them gone out of it now, lickity spit.
NICKY. We’re not gonna be getting in a fight, are we?
RICHARD. No, no, they’ll run off immediately. We’ll be back in a minute. Come on, Ivan! Nicky, hit that light out there for yourselves.
NICKY. Yeah, I got it.
NICKY hits a switch as IVAN opens the back door and leads RICHARD out, followed by NICKY. SHARKY and LOCKHART are alone. SHARKY shakes his head at LOCKHART.
LOCKHART. I know. Family, ha?
SHARKY. Yeah, don’t talk to me. Are you okay for a drink there or…
LOCKHART. Yeah, I’m grand. You not having a drink yourself?
SHARKY. Nah… I’m… trying to… not drink.
LOCKHART. If you can just beat Christmas, ha?
SHARKY (with a little laugh). Yeah…
LOCKHART. If I can just beat Christmas I can achieve anything!
SHARKY. Mmm.
LOCKHART. But it’s so hard. ’Cause the old drink stops the brain cranking. Stops the mind going into the forest.
SHARKY is looking at LOCKHART, wondering about him.
(Knowingly.) Oh yes, I’ve seen you on your travels. You don’t remember me, Sharky…
SHARKY (trying to place him). No, I… I do…
LOCKHART. Yeah, I’ve seen you. On your wandering ways. I’ve seen you going down Wicklow Street, and halfway up Dame Street, down Suffolk Street, Grafton Street, Dawson Street, round and round, back up, back down, am I right? (Pause.) I’ve seen all those hopeless thoughts, buried there, in your stupid scrunched-up face.
SHARKY. What are you talking about?
LOCKHART. Oh, come on, Sharky! You don’t remember me?
SHARKY. No, I… I do. But where did we…?
LOCKHART. We met in the Bridewell, Sharky.
Short pause.
Remember? We were locked up in a cell together. You’d had a bit of bother the night before…? You were waiting to go up before the judge in the morning… We played cards!
SHARKY. Yeah… no… I remember you, but…
LOCKHART (brightly). So how have things been with you?
SHARKY.…Okay…
LOCKHART. Not great though…
Pause.
SHARKY. You’ve a good memory.
LOCKHART. Old as the hills, Sharky. You know I was sure I’d run into you today. (Laughs.) But you’re off the drink! Now that completely threw me, I have to say! Do you know how many pubs I was in?
SHARKY. What, were you looking for me?
LOCKHART. Well, it’s just that matter we discussed back then, in the Bridewell that night.
Short pause.
SHARKY. This has to be what? Twenty years ago!
LOCKHART. Twenty-five years ago. But I’m still surprised you don’t know why I’m here.
SHARKY. Yeah, well, I don’t.
LOCKHART (disappointed). Ah, Sharky… We had a deal. (Short pause.) No?
SHARKY. Look, I don’t know what’s going on here, or if Nicky’s put you up to this, but I have to say I don’t know what you’re talking about.
LOCKHART. Are you serious?
SHARKY. Do I look like I’m telling a joke?
LOCKHART. No, hold on. You’re seriously standing there telling me that it’s never struck you as odd, down all these years, that you just walked out of jail? After what you did? Ah, that’s brilliant, Sharky!
SHARKY. What do you mean ‘after what I did’?
LOCKHART. Oh, come on, now…
SHARKY. What? What did I… I can’t even… What? I got into a fight with some wino in the back of a shebeen up in… Francis Street or… somewhere, was it? I can hardly even remember! So what?
LOCKHART. Well, no, not quite. His name was Laurence Joyce. He was sixty-one. He was a vagrant. He said he was trying to get to Cardiff…? Said he had some family there…? Said his wife was once the Cardiff Rose? You beat him up in the back of O’Dowd’s public house in the early hours of the twenty-fourth of December 1981. You killed him. (Short pause.) I let you out. I set you free.
Pause.
SHARKY. No, here, wait a minute…
LOCKHART. Come on, you remember. Remember in the morning, that moment when the guards opened the door, and told you to get your stuff and get lost?
SHARKY.…Yeah?
LOCKHART. I organised that. Because you won that hand of poker we were playing.
SHARKY. Wait a minute. That fella didn’t die!
LOCKHART. Oh no. He did. What, are you trying to tell me you don’t see him in your nightmares?
Pause. SHARKY doesn’t respond.
God, the poor old brain hasn’t aged too well, has it, Sharky? Look at you. Twenty-five years on the lash like some old borderline wino yourself. What chance haven’t you fucked up? Driving the van for those English fellas? Or when you blew that nice cushy security job on the building site in Naas? You make me laugh, Sharky. Tell me, are you still in the wars with Dublin Bus about the night you were pissed and you fell down the stairs? How much are you looking for? For that twinge in your back?
Pause. SHARKY is staring at LOCKHART, dumbfounded.
You even blew that chauffeur job down in Lahinch! (Darkly.) You fancied your man’s wife, didn’t you?
SHARKY. Who are you?
LOCKHART. Ah, Sharky… don’t say you don’t know who I am. (Short pause.) Or what I want.
SHARKY. Well, I don’t know!
LOCKHART. You don’t remember we played cards?
SHARKY. No, I kind of do but…
LOCKHART. Poor Sharky. It’s always a bit hazy, isn’t it? (Short pause.) I want your soul, Sharky.
SHARKY. What?
LOCKHART. I want your soul.
SHARKY. What the hell are you talking about? Is this some kind of stupid fucking joke of Nicky’s?
LOCKHART just looks at him. SHARKY seems to feel queasy and then enters the grip of some greater pain. It’s so excruciating that he starts to sink pathetically to his knees. He tries to get a grip on something but ends up on all fours fighting the urge to pass out, so great is the agony –both physically and deep within his mind.
LOCKHART. I’m the son of the morning, Sharky. I’m the snake in the garden. I’ve come here for your soul this Christmas, and I’ve been looking for you all fucking day! We made a deal. We played cards for your freedom and you promised me, you promised me, the chance to play you again. So don’t start messing me about now. (Short pause.) Of course, after you skipped merrily off to some early house in the morning you probably never even thought about it again, did you? Ha? You think I’m just farting around? You think you’re better than me? Pig. Well, think again. Because we’re gonna play for your soul and I’m gonna win and you’re coming through the old hole in the wall with me tonight. Now get up.
SHARKY is silently crying as he staggers back to his feet. LOCKHART suddenly bursts towards SHARKY, as though about to beat him.
No crying! Don’t do a Maurice Macken on it! I’ll fucking batter you! Do you hear me?
SHARKY flinches backwards, blinking, a hand feebly raised. LOCKHART laughs.
(With disgust.) Don’t make me puke…
There is a commotion outside as NICKY helps RICHARD back in through the back door, followed by IVAN.
RICHARD (on his way in). Them friggin’ winos! They do my head in!
NICKY. You should’ve seen it! They ran for their lives!
RICHARD. Good Jaysus, would someone please give me a drink, for the love of God?
NICKY (grabbing the whiskey bottle to give RICHARD a drink). He blew them out of it! They flew off up the coast! You should have seen it!
IVAN comes in from the kitchen with a Miller for NICKY and a can of Harp for himself.
RICHARD. But was your man there? My little friend that I fucking hate, with the navy anorak and the big black head of hair on him? He’s the worst…
NICKY. Yeah, I think there was one like that. He fucking legged it! (To SHARKY and LOCKHART.) The roars out of this fella…
RICHARD. Ah, you have to…
NICKY. And then Ivan!
RICHARD. I have Ivan well trained! You see, they’re so shaky and nervy when they get that old meths into them, you can destroy them with a good scream. They think it’s the banshee, God help them.
NICKY. Did you see that one was going to the toilet down behind the car?
IVAN. I thought I saw one down in behind…
NICKY. That was a woman!
IVAN. Was it?!
RICHARD (with disgust). Oh, don’t…!
NICKY (bursting out laughing). It was all going down the back of her leg when she ran and fell over the bin!
RICHARD. Ah stop, will you? They’re awful…
LOCKHART (to IVAN). Is your car alright?
IVAN. Ah… it… it wasn’t my car! I don’t have my car with me. I forgot I walked up here in all the excitement.
RICHARD. Ah well, all’s well that ends well! Are we gonna play cards?
NICKY (to IVAN). Can you see to play cards?
IVAN. I can see to about here. (Holds his hand up about ten inches from his face.) After that, it’s your guess is as good as mine!
RICHARD. Yeah, you can see the cards…
IVAN. I can read the cards…
RICHARD. Hey, Shark! Where’s all the goodies you promised us that you were banging on about earlier? Get the smoked salmon and the mince pies out and all the Christmas goodies and the crisps and all… Are you hungry, Mr Lockhart?
LOCKHART (looking at SHARKY). I wouldn’t say no.
NICKY (making a face and touching his stomach). Them cocktail sausages they were handing out earlier down in Raheny were gone off…
RICHARD. Well, Sharky’ll get the grub organised. Ivan, pull out that table into the middle, the cards is on the windowsill.
NICKY and IVAN begin to bustle about getting the table ready for cards.
Another beer, Nicky?
NICKY. I have one, I’m good, Richard…
RICHARD. Mr Lockhart? Another drop of Irish? Is it there? You can help yourself.
LOCKHART. I’m grand. Sharky’s looking after me…
NICKY. I’m bursting for a slash, will I run in quickly?
RICHARD. No, run up. There’s a better one, Nicky. Sharky! Is that upstairs loo in tip-top condition?
SHARKY. Yeah, you know where it is, Nicky.
NICKY. Yup, end of the landing.
NICKY runs up the stairs.
RICHARD. Ivan, there’s stout there if you want a stout. I think I might have a stout actually.
IVAN. Good idea.
He goes towards the kitchen.
RICHARD. And don’t mind Matt Talbot on the Kaliber there, he can look after himself. Is the table out?
LOCKHART. Here, Richard…
LOCKHART helps RICHARD to the table.
RICHARD. Ah, thanks, Mr Lockhart, you’re a real gent. And don’t mind Sharky’s bad humour, he came out backwards and his head has been arseways ever since. Here, give us the cards till I give them a shuffle.
LOCKHART hands the cards to RICHARD. LOCKHART and SHARKY stand looking at each other from opposite ends of the room.
(Shuffling cards.) When Ivan comes back now he can cut them for me. (Laughs.) I don’t know whether these are up or down! I’m in total space here, Mr Lockhart. Wheeee! And when Sharky has the grub for us and Nicky’s back down we’ll get going. God, I haven’t played an old game of poker in so long! I’m really looking forward to it now. Ivan!
IVAN (off). Yeah?
RICHARD. Come on till we sort out this money!
IVAN (off). I’m coming, Dick! I’m just going to the jacks!
RICHARD. Come on, Nicky! Sit down, Mr Lockhart, sit down. Sharky! Where’s Sharky? Sharky, come on! Sharky!!… Let’s play!!
Blackout.