HARD TO PLEASE
Tired of their struggle with those who had opinions of their own, the authorities, wishing at last to rest on their laurels, once issued the following stringent order:—
“Hereby you are commanded to drag out into the light of day all those who have opinions of their own, to drag them out unceremoniously from their hiding-places, and to exterminate them by any measures that may seem necessary.”
The execution of this order was entrusted to Oronty Strevenko, who had volunteered to exterminate living human beings of both sexes and of all ages. He was an ex-captain in the service of his Highness the King of the Fuegians, and an important personage in Terra del Fuego. For his services Oronty was allowed sixteen thousand roubles.
Oronty obtained the commission not because others could not be found as base, but because he looked unnaturally fierce, and was covered with an abundant growth of hair, which enabled him to go naked in all climates. Besides, he had four rows of teeth, sixty-four in all, a circumstance that won for him the special confidence of the authorities.
But in spite of all these advantages even he was confronted by the thought:
“How are they to be unearthed? They keep so quiet.”
And in truth the inhabitants of this town were remarkably well trained. They went in fear of one another, seeing in everyone an agent-provocateur, and never asserted anything. Even in their talks with their mothers they spoke in a form agreed upon, and in a foreign language:
“N’est ce pas?”
“Maman, it is time to dine, n’est ce pas?’
“Maman, we ought to go to the cinema show to-night, n’est ce pas?”
However, after much thought, Strevenko devised a plan for unearthing secret plots. He washed his hair with peroxide of hydrogen, shaved himself where necessary, and became a fairhaired individual of gloomy appearance. Then he put on a sad-coloured suit so that no one could recognise him.
At night he went out into the street, and walked about as if deep in thought. Noticing a citizen stealing along, he pounced upon him from the left and whispered in a provocative manner:
“Comrade, are you really satisfied with your existence?”
The citizen slackened his pace, as if considering the question; but as soon as a policeman appeared in the distance he shouted in accordance with his invariable practice:
“Policeman, hold him.”
Strevenko sprang over the fence like a tiger, and as he sat in the stinging nettles thought to himself:
“You cannot get hold of them like this; they act in a perfectly legal manner, the devils.”
In the meantime the money allowed him was disappearing. He put on a less dismal-looking suit, and tried another way of trapping people. Boldly approaching a citizen he would ask him:
“Would you like to become an agent-provocateur, sir?”
And the citizen would reply coolly:
“What is the salary?”
Others declined politely:
“No, thank you, I am already engaged.”
“Well,” thought Oronty, “how am I to catch them?”
In the meantime the money allowed him was gradually melting away.
In the course of his search he looked in at the headquarters of the Society for the Many-Sided Use of Empty Egg-Shells, but discovered that the society enjoys the exalted patronage of three bishops, and of a general of gendarmerie; that it meets once a year and gets a special permit each time from St Petersburg. Oronty still failed to catch plotters and the money allowed him seemed to him to have galloping consumption.
Oronty was thoroughly annoyed:
“I’ll soon show them!”
And he began to act quite openly. He would go up to a citizen and ask him straight out:
“Are you satisfied with your existence?”
“Quite satisfied.”
“Well, but the authorities are dissatisfied. Please come along.”
And if anyone said that he was not satisfied, the result was, of course, the same:
“Take him along!” said Strevenko.
“But, excuse me.”
“What?”
“But I am dissatisfied because their measures are not sufficiently rigorous.”
“Indeed? Take him.”
Thus, in the course of three weeks, he had gathered together ten thousand men and women of one sort and another. At first he imprisoned them where he could; then he began to hang them; but for the sake of economy he did it at the expense of the citizens themselves.
Everything went very well till, one day, a superior official, who chanced to be out beagling in the outskirts of the town, saw unusual animation in the fields; a picture of the peaceful activity of citizens presented itself to him. They were reviling one another, hanging and burying one another, whilst Strevenko walked amongst them staff in hand, barking out words of encouragement:
“Hurry up, you melancholy owl, and be more cheerful about it! And you reverend-looking old man, there, why do you look so stupefied? The noose is ready; get into it; don’t keep the others waiting. Whoa, lad; why do you get into the noose before your father? Gentlemen, don’t be in such a hurry; your turn will come right enough. You have been patient for years, awaiting pacification by the Government; you can afford to wait a few minutes. You, peasant, where are you going? You ignoramus!”
The superior official, mounted on a handsome horse, looked on and thought:
“Anyway, he has got hold of a good many. He is a fine fellow! That is why all the windows in the town are boarded up.”
But suddenly, to his utter astonishment, he saw his own aunt hanging by the neck, her feet dangling above the ground:
“Who gave the order?”
Strevenko was on the spot and said:
“I, your Excellency.”
“Well, brother, you are a fool. You are simply wasting money belonging to the Treasury. Let me see your account.”
Strevenko produced his account, wherein it was stated:
“In execution of the order concerning the extermination of those who have opinions of their own I have unearthed and imprisoned 10,107 persons of both sexes. Of this number:
“729 persons of both sexes have been killed; 541 persons of both sexes have been hanged; 937 persons of both sexes have been crippled for life; 317 persons of both sexes have died prematurely; 63 persons of both sexes have committed suicide; total number exterminated, 1876.
“Total Cost: Roubles 16,884—i.e. at the rate of 7 roubles per person.
“Deficit: Roubles 884.”
The superior official, was staggered. He muttered in a fury:
“A deficit! You Fuegian! The whole of your Terra Del Fuego, together with the king and you yourself, is not worth eight hundred roubles. Just think of it! If you are going to steal money like that what am I to do?—I, who occupy a rank ten times higher? If we have such appetites Russia won’t last us three years. There are many others besides you who want to live. Can’t you understand that? And besides, you have wrongly included three hundred and eighty persons, for three hundred and seventeen ‘died prematurely’ and sixty-three committed suicide. You swindler, you have included them as well.”
“Your Excellency,” Oronty tried to justify himself, “but I drove them into such a state of mind that they loathed their life.”
“And seven roubles a head for that? Besides, no doubt a lot of those included were not concerned in the matter at all. The total population of the town is only twelve thousand. No, my friend, I will bring you before the court.”
A very strict investigation was accordingly made into the activity of the Fuegian, and he was found guilty of having misappropriated nine hundred and sixteen roubles belonging to the Treasury.
The court that tried Oronty was a just one; he was sentenced to three months’ imprisonment, and his career was spoilt. The Fuegian was out of sight for three months.
It is no easy matter to please the authorities.