Chapter 17

Interacting with family and friends

As trying as your pain is for you, it can be every bit as troubling for your family and friends. They want to help you, but they may not know how. So they say or do things they think are helpful but may only add to your frustration.

Because chronic pain is such a personal experience, it’s difficult for family and friends to understand exactly what you’re going through. In addition, when pain takes over, communication often suffers. You may not feel like discussing your pain or the problems related to it. And family and friends may hesitate to approach certain topics for fear they’ll anger or frustrate you.

You need family and friends to help you deal with your pain and move on with your life. Studies show that people with a solid support system — who have family and friends who care about them — generally:

• Cope better with chronic pain
• Are less likely to become depressed
• Are more independent
• Recover faster from illness
• Live longer

Through your own experiences, you may know what researchers are talking about. You’ve felt how quickly a cup of coffee with a neighbor has lifted your spirits. You’ve experienced how a helping hand from a relative has helped you get through a bad day. Being around others can help you forget about your frustrations. However, for family and friends to help you, you need to help them. Good communication is important.

Building bridges

Good friends and a supportive family can provide encouraging words, offer gentle but helpful criticisms and lend a hand when you need it. Family and friends also help replace sadness with smiles and laughter. In this way, they contribute to your health and well-being.

Making friendships and maintaining family ties seem to come more naturally for some people than for others. But even if you’re not an outgoing person, you need social support. If your support system is in need of a little strengthening, try these suggestions:

• Answer phone calls and letters.
• Accept invitations to events, even if it feels awkward at first.
• Don’t wait to be invited somewhere. Call someone.
• Set aside past differences and approach your relationships with a clean slate.
• Take part in community organizations, neighborhood events and family gatherings.
• Strike up a conversation with the person next to you at a local gathering. You could be introducing yourself to a new friend.
• Don’t focus on yourself. Talk about things that other people are interested in, and be an alert listener.

Good relationships require patience, compromise and acceptance. Without these things, the relationship can become a source of stress instead of support. Family and friends need to learn to accept you along with your needs, and you need to accept them along with theirs.

It’s true that relationships can sometimes be difficult. Your friends and family may want more of your time and energy than you can spare. But instead of pulling away from those you’re close to, educate them about your pain. And allow them time to tell you how your pain has affected them.

This will help those closest to you understand why you may not always be able to do all of the things they ask. It will also help you understand how your pain affects others.

Talking openly and honestly

Discussing your thoughts and feelings can be difficult even in the best of times. With chronic pain, the task doesn’t get any easier. Instead of continually telling people how you’re feeling, it’s often easier to withdraw or say as little as possible.

The problem with this approach is that it can frustrate and alienate your family and friends. They may not know how to interpret your withdrawal and they may not be able to figure out that you’re having a bad day unless you tell them. You don’t have to go on about your symptoms, but simply saying “I’m having a rough day” or “I need some space” will let them know you need time to yourself.

If you’re having difficulty talking with family and friends about your pain, don’t give up. Consider these suggestions as you take steps to improve communications.

• Express what you’re feeling. But do it in a positive manner, not one in which you appear to be whining or accusatory. Negative emotions only increase your chances for a negative response. For example, if you’re frustrated because your friends don’t include you in their activities, you might say, “I miss spending time with you on Saturdays, and I sure would like to join you on a hike.” Your friends may incorrectly assume you can’t take part in recreational events. That’s why they don’t invite you, not because they don’t want to be around you.
• Don’t lie about your pain. Close family and friends may know not to ask how you’re doing every time they see you. But some people won’t understand that you may always have some degree of pain. When they inquire how you’re doing, don’t pretend it doesn’t hurt. But don’t exaggerate your pain, either. You might respond, “I still have pain, but I’m learning to manage it.”
• Ask for help when you need it. You were probably taught to cherish your independence, so it may be difficult for you to ask for help. But sometimes you need help. Try asking in a way that explains what’s going on. For example: “I’ve invited friends over for dinner, and it’s taking me longer to get the meal prepared than I anticipated. Could you please come over and lend me a hand for a while?”
• Say thank you — and mean it. When someone helps you or gives you a heartfelt compliment about progress you’re making, say thanks. Don’t feel depressed that you needed the help.
• Talk about what bugs you. If the flow of communication between you and a family member or friend becomes one-sided, talk about it. Set aside your pride for a while and take the risk of saying exactly how you feel.
• If you can’t say it out loud, spell it out. Use your journal to express those feelings you have trouble communicating. This not only will buy you time to let these feelings settle but also will give you practice in expressing them when you’re ready to discuss them.

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Communicating with your children

Chronic pain is a family affair. When one member of the family has chronic pain, it affects the entire family. Children living with a parent who has chronic pain often have many questions, and they may be insecure about the future. It’s also not uncommon for a child to think that a parent’s pain is somehow the child’s fault. If you have younger children, be open with them about your pain and what you’re feeling. This can be difficult, but it’s necessary to help your child understand your situation and realize that he or she is not at fault.

Children are often looking for two things: information and reassurance. Talk with them honestly, in an age-appropriate manner about your pain. It’s also important for your children to know that you aren’t going to die, and the pain isn’t contagious. In addition to good communication, develop strategies that allow you to be as active a parent as possible while not pushing yourself too hard. Even though you may not be able to do everything together, you can still be a good parent.

• Focus on what you can do, rather than what you can’t. Make time for activities you can do together, such as watching movies, baking cookies or playing board games. Your time and attention are more important than the activity.
• Plan ahead. When you know that you may have a busy day ahead with your children, make sure to get plenty of rest beforehand.
• Let your children help. Children often feel helpless because they want desperately to fix their parents’ pain and aren’t able to do so. Let them help in ways that they can. Just bringing you a glass of water can make a child feel special and important.
• Listen to your children’s concerns. Ask your children what it is about your condition that really bothers them. The more you know, the better you can respond to them.
• Take care of yourself. In order to take care of your kids, you need to take care of yourself. Explain why you also need time to yourself. They’ll understand.
• Punt when you need to. When you’re having a bad day, have a family member or friend fill in for you at your child’s events. Sure, your child would have preferred you were there, but knowing that you cared enough to send someone in your place let’s your child know you’re doing the best you can.

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How family and friends can help

Chances are your family and friends have asked you what they can do to help you. Perhaps you didn’t know what to say, or you felt guilty admitting that you needed any type of special treatment. Or maybe they’ve decided to help in ways that irritate you. They think they’re doing things to make you feel better, but they’re not.

When people ask you how they can help, tell them. Here are some suggestions you might pass along:

• Don’t always talk about my pain. It’s easy for friends and family to get caught up in discussing your pain. But that only reminds you of your condition and draws attention to what you’re trying to avoid.
• Try not to hover over me. Being overly attentive to someone with persistent pain can actually interfere with rehabilitation. One study found that people with chronic pain who were cared for by an overly attentive spouse reported more pain than when they were observed by someone else. Tell your spouse or partner that you appreciate the concern, but that he or she doesn’t need to be your servant. You need to learn to do things for yourself.
• Join me in activities. Having friends and family members accompany you for a walk or yoga class or go with you to support meetings or doctor visits can offer many benefits. Being with friends or family members gives you a chance to talk and share time together. It also provides your friends and family members an opportunity to learn more about your need to exercise and stay active.
• Don’t give up things you enjoy for my sake. Those closest to you may consciously or unconsciously change their lifestyle because of your pain. But that only makes you feel guilty. For example, if you and a friend enjoyed fishing together, don’t let your friend sell his tackle just because he thinks you can’t fish anymore. Perhaps you can’t fish from dawn to dusk as you used to, but you can still fish for a few hours.
• Be available to listen to me. Sometimes you simply need someone to listen. A family member or friend who understands that you’re not asking them to fix the problem can lend emotional support by just listening to you. This can provide a release valve for your daily stresses. People who feel they have the support of loved ones seem to cope better with their pain and live more active lives.
• Take care of yourself. Your pain, and worrying about you, can take a toll on friends and family members. It’s important that those you care about take care of their health as well. Just as you need their support, they need yours.

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Get smart

Here are some goals for building friendships and improving communication that follow the SMART formula:

Goal: Spend less time by myself

When I want to achieve it: Two months

How I’m going to do it: Call my friend Annie at least once a week, join co-workers for gatherings after work, attend social events at church and in the neighborhood

How I’m going to measure it: Keep track in my journal of the hours I spend with others compared with the hours I’m alone

Goal: Talk more openly with family about how I’m feeling

When I want to achieve it: One month

How I’m going to do it: Set aside Sunday evenings as family time to talk about how we’re feeling and the week ahead, and be honest

How I’m going to measure it: Jot down in my journal how family time went — what worked and what didn’t — and if it seems to get easier talking about my feelings

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