The way I see it, hipsters are a lot like cilantro. Personally, I don’t enjoy the flavor of cilantro. I think it makes food taste like dish soap and the thought of eating dish soap is disgusting to me. Obviously, I’m not planning some massive crusade against cilantro, I’m just saying cilantro is not welcome in my kitchen (because my kitchen already has dish soap).
Now, I know some people love cilantro and that’s fine. Why anyone would choose to eat something so undeniably unpleasant is a mystery to me, but I don’t have a problem with it. We live in America, a country where people are allowed to ruin their food however they want.
Even so, my biggest problem with cilantro is that it keeps becoming more and more popular. It’s a very trendy herb. The number of idiots who convince themselves that this dirty, tinny form of parsley is actually delicious and sophisticated grows exponentially every year. It’s now gotten to the point that I can’t buy a fucking burrito anymore without it being totally polluted with handfuls of these awful, metallic Palmolive flakes. And it’s not just my precious burritos; cilantro has started creeping into the chili, the pad thai, even the pesto I eat at restaurants. I just wish we could go back to a simpler time, when cilantro was a shitty novelty for dum dums and not the ghastly norm that everyone suddenly has to deal with.
The same goes with hipsters. Get these hipster burritos out of my face!
What’s my point? Well, sometimes people think my definition of a hipster is too vague. For example, let’s say I post a picture of this person:
I guarantee you that, within a few hours, I’ll get fifteen nitpicky e-mails telling me, “Hey, that guy isn’t a hipster, he’s a scenester!” First of all, that’s a guy? Second, fine, whatever, he’s a scenester. Are you happy now? Of course you’re not, because that’s just giving a different name to the same thing. It’s the same people who take off their plain white daytime V-necks and put on their glittery black nighttime V-necks. Hipsters are scenesters, scenesters are hipsters, and cilantro is coriander. Case closed.
But I don’t mean to generalize. The truth is, there’s a lot of diversity within the hipster/scenester/monster community. It’s important to know all these subsets. Here are all the various types of hipsters.
