Mrs. Sunshine allowed me time to use the bathroom connected to her bedroom. Angels of all different shapes and sizes lined the countertops. She told me that customers always gave her angels, and she kept every one of them. I couldn’t help but raise my eyebrows when she held out a bag from a department store. Inside was a new blouse and a pair of sleek blue jeans that were more for dressing up than my relaxed ones. No cartoon-character t-shirt for me tonight. She gifted me a simple, burgundy, button-up top with a waist belt, looped tie, and little, pearl cuff buttons. The pants were my exact size, which was hard to find. When I tried the outfit on, I had to admit that it suited me. She’d done good.

Mrs. Sunshine clapped. “Perfect. I knew that it would fit you. I slipped it up to the lady when you were picking out Bell’s clothes. I was going to save it for your birthday, but I decided differently.”

She seemed mighty pleased with herself, and I couldn’t fault her. This was a lot more appropriate for a date night than what I had on. Especially this date night, the most important one. This was either going to make or break me. If we made it, this one would be the one we’d tell our kids about.

“Thank you so much for everything, Mrs. Sunshine. I guess this is it.”

She’d done all that she could do for me. God himself couldn’t change me up in the next ten minutes. I’d have to do with what I had been given.

“Why are you talking like this is the end of the world, child? I thought you would’ve been excited to go out with my boy. If he sees you all glum, he’ll think that you don’t want to be with him, and that won’t do. That won’t do at all.”

She pulled out her makeup bag and brushed a little bit of pink onto my cheeks, even though I told her it wasn’t necessary. You couldn’t stop Mrs. Sunshine from doing what she wanted. She clipped a silver, angel barrette in my hair, and after she was finished with me, I had to admit I looked right decent.

“It’s not that. I want to be with him. More than anything in the world. I just … it’s just that …”

He’ll see me, the truth of things, and then he won’t want me anymore, and my first date will end in one dirty mess, and he’ll sweep me right out the front door. And my youngins would hear of how my first date was a failure, and the wedding bells would never ring with Ray, and …

She turned me to her. “Clear up that mind, Sweet Potato. I see you burying yourself right in the ground. Let me pull you on up, Sweet Potato.”

She pulled on my hair a little like she could yank me up, root and all. “Come let that sunshine glow on you. I wish you’d look at you the way that we do.”

She forced me back to the mirror, and she got right up to my ear and whispered, “You’re a beautiful soul. I can see your heart wide and vast like the ocean. Believe it, ’cause I don’t lie, thank you very much.”

“I believe I’m gonna be sick.” I gave her a look, and she stepped out—just in time, because I let it go right there in her toilet.

She laughed through the door. “Honey. It’s just Ray!”

I cleaned myself up and came on out, shaking. “Exactly.”

Ray was down the hall. I could hear him moving around in his little bedroom. Did that mean he could hear me? Oh, Lordy, no!

“Momma, is she ready?”

Mrs. Sunshine twisted her mouth like she was still deciding, shook her head, and replied, “Ready as she’ll ever be.”

I took a step out into the hallway. I watched him turn the corner out of his room, and I caught my breath. He had on a black-and-blue dress shirt tucked into a pair of those well-fitting jeans I loved so much, the faded ones with the fringes on the bottom. He looked so handsome that I couldn’t breathe.

He whispered, “You look so beautiful, baby.”

Baby. Beautiful. Broom, go away. I couldn’t answer him and stood there letting the wall hold me up. His hand found mine, and I felt the weight of all my insecurities and fears fly away out the opened bedroom window. Oh, Ray.

He never let go of my hand as I followed him down the hallway and through the kitchen, past Daddy and the youngins. He promised Daddy we would be at the hotel by ten. Daddy called a taxi to take him and the kids on back, since they had all finished their pie. Bean was begging to go swimming again. Maize held up his hand to me, and I tried to smile at him, but I couldn’t move my face muscles. With all of this emotion building up inside of me, I was scared if I started crying, I’d never stop.

When we made it to his car, I let him help me inside. He leaned in close to me, and I could smell that he’d put on some nice cologne. Lovely. I closed my eyes, letting out a heavy sigh.

He chuckled softly. “I’m nervous, too, Sweet Potato.”

Nervous? Ray? He got in and started the car, being extra careful with his new equipment. The air conditioning vents right on me, the music was already set to our Soul Food station. It all seemed lovely, especially when his hand came over to mine after he’d pulled out safely onto the interstate. I wished I could’ve looked out the window, taking in the road signs and all the details, but all I could do was look at him.

He kept glancing over at me. “What is it, Sweet Potato?”

I shrugged. “You? Nervous? I doubt that.”

He’d had a girlfriend before. I remembered Denise saying that when I’d first met him. He’d probably had a handful of them.

“I want to make you happy. This is important, so it’s pressure like I’ve never felt before. Like what if I can’t measure up and make you happy?” He turned off the main road, and I could start to see the festival parking signs.

“I’m with you, aren’t I? That is happy.”

Just right here was already the best date I could ever have—sitting in the car, doing nothing at all but holding hands. I had my own little festival inside Big Red. Who needed face-painting and cotton candy?

Ray pointed to the entrance. “We’re here.”

He pulled into a parking space and led me to the gate. Vendor tents lined the community center, filled with crafts and food. Kids yelled and squealed on the inflatable castles and slides.

Ray said, “I thought Bean would’ve liked that.”

Bell would have loved to see the brick stage, all lined up with brass instruments on stands with musicians ready to play. The Blues and Gospel Festival was perfect for us. I could do this date business, but most importantly I could be me.

Ray took me down a long pier that was empty of onlookers. No one else came down from the fancy, white-tent areas, but we could still hear the music finding us as we walked the planks over Hampton Harbor. As we reached the end of the pier, Ray pulled me close, holding me against his chest as we looked out across the endless water. I’d never seen the beach before, and it was downright spectacular—out of the realm of words and knowledge, space and time. It was what I would’ve wanted the youngins to experience. Riding in a car with someone I loved to a beach with bouncy houses and glory singing. We would have to bring them back someday.

The strong voice of the singer echoed around me. “Hallelujah” was playing as the waves lapped against the beams of the pier. Ray began whispering those beautiful lyrics, his arms circling me tighter, and I knew that all was right with the world.

I turned into him and buried my face against his neck, my lips brushing against his skin as I boldly put my arms around his back. I whispered to him, “Maize was right. You are my rain and my sun, like farmers’ lips to God’s ears. I hope you know it.”

He was holding me so close to him I was dizzy, the world rushing around me and inside of me all at once. His voice was husky and strong. “Why are you so scared to let love in?”

“Love is hard.”

He pulled away from me, kissing me softly on the lips. “Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. That is love, and that is me and you.”

“Don’t you know I’m just some homeless girl seeking shelter?”

Love wanted to rise up in my chest, but I was too afraid to let it. Too fearful of what it would do to me if I gave it the control it was seeking.

“The Lord is sheltering you, Sweet Potato. Don’t fear anymore. Let your past be and know there’s so much love waiting for you. Let me love you.”

He held my face in his hands and kissed me, lingering against my lips as we swayed to a song we were conducting. I wanted so badly to believe it all to be true, to let him love me as easy and laid-back as summer. But to do that meant I’d have to trust in the future, another day.

“I say love is too hard, but I guess I do it anyway.” I loved him despite me, anyway. “I do love you, Ray. I don’t know how you love me, that’s all.”

“You love everyone around you. Look at you with Bell and Maize and even Bean. Look at you with your daddy and my parents, the customers at the Soul Food. Everybody, Sweet Potato. You say loving is too hard for you. You have more love in you than there are species of birds in the whole world.”

But he wouldn’t understand what the kind of love I felt cost me. It was a pretty penny.

I pointed to each of my shoulders. “On one side, that’s Maize. On the other side, Bean.”

My heart was next. “That’s Bell. Loving them takes away a part of myself or weights me clear down to the bottom of the sea. That is how it has been since I was little, still playing with dolls. Then they became my real-life dolls. I couldn’t put them on a shelf, so I had to shoulder them and heart them. Loving like that is too hard, because it doesn’t leave much room for me to figure out how to proper love other people—like myself.”

He pointed to my imaginary boys on my shoulders. “See, Maize and Bean. Watch this.”

He picked them up and slung them into the river, like he was skipping pebbles. He touched my heart. “They’ll still always be a part of you but trust me on this one.” He made like he was pulling Bell slowly from my heart. Then he blew a kiss out over the shimmering waves, like broken glass catching light. “Let God take them, Sweet Potato. They’re God’s creations, after all. You didn’t breathe life into them. They are loved and will always be loved by you. Now, love you. Love me. Love us all with the freedom of letting go and letting in all at the same time.”

He touched my heart again. “Love them like brothers and sister. Love them forever. We’ll always take care of them, Sweet Potato. It won’t be hard like you think.”

He laughed as he drew me back closer to him. “Well, maybe with Bean, sometimes, but it will be our life. One that we will accept with happiness. Not fear or frustration or that devastating kind of love that doesn’t know where it will lay its head. Just simply love—the fulfilling kind that makes you whole.”

“Ray, you say you know me, and you know how they are to me. Are you truly ready to take on that kind of life? To take care of them with me? You’re a man starting out with a whole future ahead of you. We could take you under. The weight of them and me could pull you down.”

And I couldn’t allow that. I couldn’t watch him drown. Even if that meant losing him. I’d have to let him go, because I loved Ray more than me, too.

He smiled. “You still don’t know what happened to me that morning you walked through the door at Soul Food. You spoke, you smiled, and I’ve been soaring on wings of eagles ever since. There is nothing that could bring me down from the clouds, as long as I have the love of God and you. And now, because of you, I’m more than a man starting out. I am a man with a clear focus on my purpose for this life. Don’t ever doubt my feelings for you. I love you like this.”

His lips came to me, and I knew his love for me was true. I could feel it in the way his eyes searched me out. He somehow could love me as I was. He had a persevering kind of love that was too overwhelming to comprehend. It was humbling to be loved like that.

I whispered against him, “I do love you, Ray. I want you to know that I’m trying really hard.”

“I don’t want you to try. Just be.”

“Now you sound like Yoda.”

He laughed. “See? Now you’re back.”

We swayed softly to a slow song, his lips against my neck, whispering how much he would love me forever. Some jazz-sounding music with a saxophone was now taking over as the darkness began to surround us. He spun me around on the pier under a starless sky. The moon was even hidden behind the clouds, making it an engulfing dark, but one that I felt completely safe in.

We didn’t have much to say to each other, and I knew why. Sometimes, when a farmer is working, he’s content to hear the sounds the earth makes under the tiller—the way the seeds seem to crackle against the ground, the way birds fill the air above. That was us. Just listening to the world, we were creating together. The crashing waves, the creak of the worn planks beneath our feet, the wind against my hair.

An urgency of sadness hit me when the music stopped and we sat down on the pier, face to face. It was almost over, and I knew what that meant. The tips of our shoes were touching, my worn, black Converse against his white Nikes.

I whispered, afraid to break the silence but needing to tell him somehow how I felt about us. “Look at us. We are like our shoes, you know?”

He pulled on my laces, untying one of them. “Me? A shoe? What are you talking about, Sweet Potato?”

My voice came out in a rush. “We both got a covering. A different kinda name, our own unique stamp about us. But if you really took a good look at us, the inner workings, we’re filled up with the Spirit of the Lord, right down to our toes. You’re stronger than me ‘cause you walked tighter to the Lord longer than me, but I will get there. God made us both for the same purpose. He breathed life into the both of us, and we became. And now we are becoming together, and I get that now.”

“You get what?” He grabbed my hands and entwined his fingers with mine.

“That you and I can be. I know our night is almost to ending, and I thought if you had me alone you wouldn’t love me when it was over. That you would somehow see how different I was from you and how you could never love someone like me. But I feel the way you are holding my hands and being here in your strong way. The way you are looking at me right now. I know you love me. I don’t need another word from you about it. No more convincing or speeches. I feel you inside of me, like you are a part of my very stitching.”

As soon as I finished getting it all out, I jumped clear out of my skin. The noise of a thousand rockets took off from the sand right behind me, and the world exploded above us in a light show—a colorful rainbow of stars and flashes of amazing light.

Ray stood up, pulling me with him, bringing me right against his chest as we looked up at the fireworks signaling the end of the festival and the beginning of my new life. Colors. A living rainbow—a promise never to flood over me again and wipe me out. The world was speaking colors to me even here.

We walked slowly down the pier, hand in hand, him wrapping his arm around me while we still held hands. I loved that. I would have a future. And even if I didn’t quite know what that all meant yet, or how it would feel, or what it was supposed to amount to, I knew I had all I needed to survive. No, not to survive—to live. I had it all here. In the godly man right beside me, in a daddy who had come to terms with the life that God now wanted him to lead, in my brothers and sister who would always be my heart, an extension of me. There couldn’t be a rainbow without the rain and the sun. The promise of a new day, a new song to hear Bell sing, a new life to grow into, whatever we were meant to be.

Loving wasn’t meant to be hard, and nobody ever said that it was going to be easy, either. But it was gonna be worth every single emotion that came with it, I was certain of that.

Back in the SUV when the fireworks were over, I pulled down the leather flap and looked at myself in the little, light-up mirror. I saw Momma’s eyes looking back at me, telling me it was okay to love and to risk it all. Loving might mean some hurt, but that meant living. That meant breathing.

I whispered, “I love you.”

To myself, and maybe even to Momma, too.

Ray whispered back, lacing my hand in his again. “I love you, too, Sweet Potato.”

And that was enough for me.