“Your birthday’s right around the corner, Sweet Potato. I’ve asked you time and again what you would like. Just one little hint,” Ray whispered to me while the kids were lounging on the huge sectional in Preacher Anderson’s living room.

“We don’t do presents. Didn’t I tell you that already? That’s more to carry around. I can’t have anything to lug around except what will fit in my bag.”

Even while I said it, I hated the thought of ever having to pick that bag up again, and I prayed that part of my life was over. Just one more time, hopefully. Daddy had been scurrying all around Newport News, looking for us a rental. Our time was about up, because the preacher and his First Lady were expected back in three days’ time. Daddy was engrossed in the classifieds while Bell was practicing vocabulary flashcards with Bean because she was set on helping him with all the words he somehow missed along the way.

Maize wasn’t home yet. He had been asked to a friend’s house after school, and he didn’t ride the bus home with me. Something about his absence wasn’t wearing on me well. The other pea in my pod was missing, and something about my heart seemed missing, too. Maize wasn’t like a kid to me. He was a part of me. He had always been my best of friends, my one true. I’d been sick with worry because he didn’t have any cellphone to carry around, and Daddy said Maize didn’t need one. He was a boy.

“What time is it again, Daddy?” I asked impatiently.

“Stop worrying about Maize, Mother Hen.” Daddy swatted the newspaper at me. “He’s due home soon.”

“You said home.” I frowned at him, feeling the word swirling around on my tongue. It sounded right delicious, like a warm cherry pie. “Daddy, we’ve got to find us a real place this time, no dilly-dallying around.”

“I know it. I’ve got two possibilities tomorrow morning. One on Maple and one on Twenty-ninth Street.”

Ray shifted uncomfortably. Maybe it was because he’d been sitting on the oriental rug since nine without moving a muscle. Or maybe he didn’t like those locations.

His voice was decisive. “Maybe you should try Maple, but it’s a little farther out.”

“Well, I won’t try Maple, then. I like the walking distance to Soul Food. It makes my life less complicated.”

Daddy really meant that would save us money on all the transportation fares. Living at the Holiday over the weekend took all those greenbacks right out of his billfold, I imagined.

“I could see if Momma would let us both go looking in the morning. I know the area very well, and I could assist you if you would like,” Ray offered.

“No, thank you.” Daddy put his hands across his chest, resolute. Oh no. Here was the I-don’t-need-help-from-nobody speech. “I know what we’ll need. I can do this, Ray.”

His tone was condescending, and I knew Ray didn’t mean Daddy was incompetent. By no means. Ray wasn’t that way at all.

“That’s fine, sir.” Ray clapped loudly and stood up. I wanted to grab him and pull him right back down, but I knew it was getting late. It was a school night, and the youngins should’ve already been in bed, but something about Maize not being here had us all probably a little restless.

“Can I speak to Bell in private? I’d like to talk to her about Sweet Potato’s birthday.”

Bell squealed and threw the cards at Bean. “You know me. Let’s get this party started!”

She grabbed Ray’s hand and dragged him through the swinging door to the little kitchen. Pastor and First Lady Anderson’s house was a perfect size for our family. But it was beyond anything that we’d ever have. Daddy was going to be looking for us a place, but we wouldn’t have the fixings to go with it. It would take us years to get to this. Curtains and rugs and sofas and beds … that would take time. But the place was a start.

Daddy motioned for me to come nearer so that Bean couldn’t hear. He didn’t need to worry. Bean was already dozing with the cards sprawled over his chest.

“He know about your birthday?”

I answered, “Mm … hm …”

“And he still wants to do something big? I don’t get people, you know.” He shrugged. “But how can we stop the wind from blowing? Once it starts, it can almost take your breath away.”

I didn’t know if he was trying to tell me he was already beginning to suffocate here. I prayed not. That meant he was feeling the itch to run. Red flag raised.

“Maize isn’t here yet.” I paced the floor. “We don’t even know this friend of his. You didn’t ask him any questions about it, Daddy? Why do you have be so lax about Maize?”

“Why would I get up into his business?” Daddy asked accusingly. “I trust Maize. He ain’t never had this opportunity to have a friend. Are you jealous?”

My eyes grew large as state-fair-winning taters. “Jealous? No! I’m worried, Daddy. He’s out there by himself.”

“No, you’re wrong. He said he was hanging out with a friend.”

“But who?” I tried to give him an evil eye, but he cracked me a smile.

“You stop acting like the momma. You hear me, child? You start being you.” Daddy placed the paper down. “It’s right near eleven. These kids have school. You have school in the morning, so you are off to bed yourself. I’m getting rid of that boy of yours.”

“Don’t start playing Daddy now,” I whispered. I wanted to add In somebody else’s house, but I refrained.

He was going to try to send me to bed? Without Maize home? And apparently not bothered that it was near eleven? I wasn’t down with double standards.

“I’ve gotta wait up for Maize.” I crossed my arms defiantly.

“Well, play stubborn. I can be stubborner.” He hit my butt with the newspaper.

“You know that ain’t no word.”

“I know you ain’t trying to give me no grammar lessons, Sweet Potato Jones.” Daddy picked Bean up with one arm. Bean was already out. “Go get that boy gone before I embarrass him.”

I took off toward the kitchen. “Bell,” I announced. “It’s bedtime now. Ray, I’m sorry, but …”

“I know. I know. We have so much planning and so little time. Just a couple of weeks away, you know.”

“I know.” I rolled my eyes. “You remind me every day.”

“You gonna love it, Sweet Potato.”

Bell pranced proudly around the kitchen with a hum that would make a prima donna envious.

“I’m sure of it,” I said.

Ray kissed me softly on the cheek. “I’ll see you right after school, okay?”

This time we were taking the kids to a movie. That was Ray’s idea. We’d never been to an actual cinema house before, and I was sure the experience would blow their minds and distract them from what we wouldn’t have in three more days.

“What’s happening after school?” Bell asked with eyebrows raised.

“You’ll see.” I couldn’t help but spin her around myself. “Ray’s full of surprises, that one is.”

Daddy was back. “Sure, sounds like it. Now get, before you’re grounded.”

Bell laughed. “You can’t ground Ray, Daddy.”

“He wasn’t the one I was threatening.”

Grounded. Ha! Pathetic. Daddy had never disciplined us before, and he used the word grounded in a sentence? What parenting book had he been reading up on lately? Not to mention we still had a missing party that I might grind right into the dirt when he did get home.

Ray said, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Mr. Eli.”

The rooms turned dark. Daddy didn’t believe in keeping lights on without necessity. Oh, Lordy. How would it be when we had a place of our own? How were we to survive it, truly, when I knew there would be many responsibilities all at once? Daddy never had to think too much about being extra when we lived in a shed, but a place would take lots of effort and energy to keep burning, which meant light bills and water payments, and things of that sort. It might get too hot in the kitchen.

“Where are you, Maize?” I asked right past the ceiling, up to heaven.

I should’ve been so pleased that Maize had an invite to go play ball with a friend after school. When I’d asked him more about the details—like the name of this person—he’d quickly changed the subject. I walked to the kitchen about five hundred times, looking at the blaring, blue light of the digital clock that told me something wasn’t right. Daddy was snoring softly on the couch, his feet fully covered in them borrowed blankets. Not a care in the world.

“Daddy, he’s not here.” I couldn’t believe I was saying this.

He said, “Go to sleep, Sweet Potato.”

Bean was knocked out next to him in a fort he had made from blankets. Bell was asleep in the next room over. Why was I the only one caring about this?

“Daddy!” I pulled the covers off him. “It’s two thirty.”

“Okay,” Daddy said as he wiped his face. “And?”

“He’s not home, and it’s after two o’clock in the morning,” I whispered urgently in his ear.

“He’s gone.” Daddy shot up. Fumbling in the unfamiliar surroundings. Too much furniture meant new leg bruises. “I can’t believe that fool done run away. Now that we ’bout to settle this.”

“Don’t say that, Daddy.” Even though I knew it was true.

He had never pulled a stunt like this, and right now my brain felt like it was the ringmaster trying to control a panicking crowd when the lions broke out of the cages.

“What else could it be?”

“It could be he got in trouble, or he got lost. You know he doesn’t know this address. Do you know this address? I don’t even know this fool address. If the cops had to try to take him somewhere, he couldn’t say Pastor’s house, and they’d know the deal. Maize probably doesn’t even know Preacher Anderson’s name. You know his mind hasn’t been on spiritual things for a long time.”

“I know where he could tell them, though. He could say Soul Food.”

I wiped a tear from my cheek, imagining him riding in a cop car, scared out of his mind. He would have a panic attack without me around to talk him down, without Bell to sing. Oh, Lordy! Bell would lose it if he wasn’t here when she got up.

“I gotta go, Daddy.” We were already all dressed, like always. “I have to look there.”

But I knew he wasn’t there. That was too easy a fix, and nothing about loving this family was easy.

“No, I’m going.” He pointed to Bean. “You got to stay here with the kids. Don’t wake them up. They don’t need to know about this. It’ll be solved by first light.”

But I knew he couldn’t guarantee it. Runaways were smart if they were street, and Maize was street personified. Maize would camouflage into the darkest shadows like a super ninja. He might even have trucked it back down to North Carolina, by now. No, he’d never go back there. Too much pain in that lucky bird state.

My mind went to all kinds of places as I waited for news from Daddy. In the space of ten minutes, I felt myself losing all sense of reason.

Ray answered on the first ring. “Are you okay? I’m coming.”

“Is he there?” My voice was broken. He knew I was not okay.

“No. I’m coming to you. Stay there.”

Like I could move and leave my children. What was wrong with Maize? After what happened to me at The Home, he’d seemed so livid with Daddy. He was seething mad and withdrawn, even from me. All the encouraging words I threw his way seemed to bounce right off him, but he hadn’t had any attacks for two weeks, either, so I’d thought maybe he was growing stronger emotionally. I didn’t know what to make of all of this.

Daddy should have talked with him, but Daddy had been so distant, too. I knew he was hiding something, and I didn’t like it one bit. We’d never been a secretive lot. Secrets led to mistrust and judgments. Secrets led to three o’clock panic attacks. Everything had been fitting together, moving right along. Now it was all falling apart again.

The knock on the door ’bout scared me out of my skin. It was Ray. I buried my face in his chest as he held me against the doorframe.

“Oh, baby. I’m so sorry.”

“Wait? Is he dead? Oh, God. He’s dead?” I sobbed, becoming fainter by the second.

“We haven’t seen him, Sweet Potato. We don’t know where he is.”

That meant he was gone from us for good, evaporated into thin air. Ray’s protective arm was warm around me, yet I was chilled to the bone.

“I’ve got to get him back. This is my fault.” I pulled my knees up against my chest and hid my head in shame.

“What happened?” he whispered in my ear. “Tell me what happened.”

“It’s my fault because I don’t know what happened. I’m supposed to know everything. When he stopped telling me, that’s when it became my fault.”

I was now choking on guilt for not having seen what he was up to. He would’ve left a sign—something. I jumped from the couch and went to the room he shared with Daddy. His bag was there, placed neatly beside the other two matching, drawstring, canvas bags.

I snatched his bag up quietly and tiptoed out of the room, so afraid that Bean would wake on up and find his brother gone. When I got back to the living room, Ray was on his phone, and his face was grim.

“Momma said Mr. Eli and Daddy left for the police station.”

“Did they get a call?”

My hand came to my throat. I could’ve strangled myself for allowing all this mess to happen. I should’ve somehow stopped it.

“Momma’s called all the places she knows. The hospitals, the principal, the church people are out everywhere, combing the streets in teams.”

Ray quit talking. He startled me when he suddenly yelled, “Where did he get that?”

I was rummaging through Maize’s bag, looking for any clues. Maybe a phone number of that girl. She might have known where he was. She might be the friend. Oh, Lordy! Ray grabbed the wadded clothes and held up a shirt.

“Sweet Potato, where did he get this?” He balled it up in his fist and threw it against the wall.

“Why did you do that?” I grabbed the shirt and stuffed it back in the bag.

He pulled it right back out. “Do you see this? This isn’t a regular, black shirt.”

He pointed to the right sleeve, to a tiny, silver scythe patch that I wouldn’t have noticed if he hadn’t drawn my attention to it.

“Mrs. Sunshine didn’t get this one for Maize when we went shopping. I ain’t never seen it. Why are you so mad? Ray, I’ve never seen you this upset before.”

His eyes weren’t laced with fear, but with disgust. He took the shirt in his hands and ripped it straight down the middle, as if it was made of nothing but notebook paper.

“It’s the East Coast Grims, Sweet Potato. It’s a Reaper shirt,” he spit out, his eyes dark and menacing.

I put my hand on his arm and shook him. “What are you saying?”

“Don’t you know what I’m saying? Listen to me.”

My heart stopped in my chest. I hadn’t heard of no Reapers. But I’d heard of The Tanks and City Dimes and Forks back in North Carolina, and from the way Ray snarled East Coast Grims, I knew right away it was a gang. My head fell back against the pillow, and I turned my head as the tears fell silently. I didn’t lose my baby to a gang. I didn’t. I didn’t. I didn’t. Oh, God. I couldn’t help but rock this pain. It wouldn’t go away.

I must have spoken His name aloud, because Ray replied, “You are right. God is the only one who can save him now. They have a special set of rules for a specialized crew—methodical, deadly. Once you are in, the rest of your life must disappear. They make you cut off your whole family, connections. Clipped. Oh, Sweet Potato, I’m so sorry.”

He fell on his knees, right on that fancy rug, and prayed to the Lord until the sweat was pouring off his face. All I could see was Maize with his little group of friends from The Dream that he walked with every day. The ones he told me he ate with at lunch. The ones who had his back and already felt like brothers to him. I thought they were a blessing. They ended up being a curse.

“Why didn’t I see it?” I cried. “He’s my boy. He’s done this. You’re right. I know he’s done this.”

“He wouldn’t have this unless he’s done something. They just don’t give out their colors to the choir boys.”

He went through the swinging door with force that might have knocked it off its hinges, and I heard him stuffing the shirt in the trashcan.

I can’t handle this, Lord. You always told me you wouldn’t give me nothing I couldn’t handle. I can’t handle this gang, God. You got to take my baby out of this mob. He can’t cut us off like a light switch. We’ve always been so tangled up, me and him. He was my live wire, my light, my source of power. But I knew what Ray said was true. Maize had done this because he wanted to get away from all of us. Even me.

“Maybe he’s not in it yet. Maybe he spilled something on his clothes, and he had to borrow a shirt.” I was trying to rationalize this craziness, even though I knew I was lying to myself. “Maybe it ain’t too late. Maybe he’ll come to his senses and remember all I taught him. What we stand for.”

Ray put his arms around me. “Baby, I know this world. The Grims don’t let you walk away when you up and please, and if Maize chose them, he’s disowned you. Do you understand what I am saying to you? The East Coast Grims aren’t some little, lollipop gang. They take you in and mold you into sellers and hustlers and bangers against their enemies—and they have a slew of enemies. They are notorious killers, death-row types. They protect those streets with their lives. Momma is going to lose it when she finds out about this.”

“You know gang life? You?”

I couldn’t imagine it. He seemed the most sheltered soul in America, with a smile on his face and a word of the Lord on his lips.

His face fell, tears forming in his eyes like he was reliving a sudden memory that he’d tried desperately to repress.

“Denise has a brother.”

That was all he said, but it was enough. He started dialing but was respectful enough to take the call outside. I knew the reason. He didn’t want me to have to hear him tell his momma. His words keep coursing through my veins as his muffled voice carried through the open window.

Maize, come back to me. Find a way, whatever it takes. Find your way back home.