I dragged myself out of the bath and into a set of clothes Mrs. Sunshine put up for me. It was a VCU t-shirt with a pair of plaid pajama pants. The closest things to pajamas I’d ever owned.

When Mrs. Sunshine heard the bathroom door open, she came out to me right away.

“Can you come in here with me and sit a spell?”

She led me to the couch, which was already made up for Ray. She had piled him up some sheets, and he had a couple of pillows waiting for him. It had been decided I’d take Ray’s room for the duration of my stay.

She smiled sweetly at me. “Let me see those eyes. Come here, baby. I know you feel like a caged bird singing sad tunes, but you’ve been free all this time. You just have to realize it.”

“Free?” I loved the way her arms felt around me, safe. I hoped Bell felt that when Mrs. Patty reached out to her. I hoped they were sleeping soundly. “I’ve never been free.”

“What you have lived, Sweet Potato—that life that you brought along with you—it has made you who you are. You are beautiful in spirit, a testimony to God’s handiwork.”

“You speak like you know what kind of life I lead. You have this.” I waved my hand around the room, and my eyes fell on her Jesus picture.

My boat was surely rocking, but I didn’t feel like having no party on top. I was diving headfirst into the ocean and letting myself float away with the shipwrecked parts of my family. “You have pictures on a wall. You have matching curtains and an armchair. You’ve planted yourself in one place your whole life, and you see what you want to see. You see me free, but I’ve been a prisoner to this world, and I don’t think I’ll ever be let out on parole. I’m serving a life sentence, Mrs. Sunshine.”

“What’s in your heart? It’s not this piece of furniture, or even those pictures. It’s what is inside of you. Your heart, Sweet Potato. That’s what makes you who you are. It’s the value of a person, their ability to give to the world, not what the world can give them. You give freely, openly. You love with all your might, not halfway. God’s never left you alone, even in an abandoned house. He’s been your walls, your chair, your bed, your breath … even when you might have felt you couldn’t breathe, you took the next one.”

“Before coming here, I didn’t have my faith right, and I’ll be honest about it with you. I ain’t told nobody that, but it’s true.” I was ashamed to even to say out loud that I’d went through a dry spell. I wondered if that was why I was being punished now.

“There are times in all of our lives when we find ourselves maybe not at our truest spiritual connection with God. We allow other things to take precedence over what is the most important. I’ve had those times, and to tell you that I’ve walked every step of the way in perfect harmony would be a lie. But I’ve always come back to Him. We are imperfect people serving a perfect God who loves us just the way we come to him. When my feet hit away from His path, I’ve had a gentle push of the Spirit to bring me back to the narrow road. That’s the way we get through this, and we are not alone.”

I knew exactly what she meant. “But I think the only thing I had going for me was the kids. They kept me steering us along. They kept me believing when I didn’t even think I deserved to say the word ‘Jesus.’ And now …”

“They are in God’s hands, like you are. Do you want a life on the road for those kids? I’m not talking about Maize and what he has chosen. I’m talking about your little ones. Would you want them at a motel or the parsonage?”

I said, “I guess I’m selfish. I want them wherever I am. I want them with Ray and me. And I guess what I’m saying is it ain’t about them, really, is it? It’s about me.” I put my hand over my mouth. “Wow.”

“Go on, baby. What you getting at here?”

“A dose of that soul food, I guess.” I laughed, pushing tears away. “If I had them to look after, it made what I was moving in less dirty. I had a purpose, and I kept my eye on it. I watched over them like a hawk, like you wouldn’t believe, Mrs. Sunshine. And now, if I don’t have them right here and I know Maize is lost, my heart is flashing a vacancy sign.”

“I hate Maize has run off to that gang. I hate how that will tear you apart the rest of your life. If I thought it would do any good, I’d take my shotgun and go hunting him myself. But I know better. I hate them kids aren’t down there in that bedroom, all cuddled up for you, but this is the life you have right now. You have to take it. You have to hold on them reins as tight as you can and ride it out with faith in your heart and peace in those eyes. Ride that wind, Sweet Potato.”

“But it’s hard.” I put my hand across my chest. Yep, it was still in there beating. “It’s so hard.”

“Love is hard every day of your life, whether you have a wall with pictures or a backpack or a full luggage set. Baby, don’t lose yourself in all this. You talk about all those lost to you. Losing yourself would be a crime.” She kissed me on the cheek and stood on up. “You act like you don’t know who you are without those kids, but you are so much more than a protector of your family.”

I couldn’t speak anymore. She wanted me to say who I thought I was when I’d always questioned that. Daddy kept reminding me that I wasn’t their momma. He told me to be me. But who was I?

Ray padded down the hall, looking handsome and tired.

“Are you okay?” I asked, sadness still overwhelming me heavy. He didn’t deserve my weight. I’d sink him to the bottom of the ocean if he didn’t watch out.

“You’re asking me that?” He sat down on the couch beside me, and I slid closer. “These past three days have had to be so awful for you.”

“Can you pray with me?”

“Yes, baby.”

He got down on his knees and leaned against the oak coffee table. I followed him, my head lowered, and my eyes closed. I didn’t think I’d be able to speak a word to the Lord. He would have to take my attempt, Ray’s words, and my heart. That was all I had to give.

Ray prayed for peace, for comfort, for care, for Maize’s deliverance. Through the prayer, I saw no images, only a white peace behind my eyelids. I fought against the thoughts wanting to cave in on me and take over the light of prayer that was hovering above me. I didn’t know how I would be able to sleep, because sleep would mean closing my eyes away from prayer and from Ray’s soothing voice.

“I don’t want to go to bed.” I yawned, and Ray laughed. “I love that,” I said.

“What?” He smiled.

“You. Your laugh. Your smile. The way you make me feel like I can face anything.” I squeezed his hand.

“I heard you and Momma talking earlier.” I swatted at him, and he kissed my cheek. “I wasn’t eavesdropping. It’s a small house.”

“And was it entertaining for you?”

“Every day I want you to know who you are. You’re a woman filled with the Spirit of the Lord. You’re the love of my life, my soul mate that completes me. You’re a sister to three kids who will always love you and look up to you, no matter where they sleep tonight. You are a daughter to a man who has depended on you to be more than should have ever been placed on you. I just want you to know that you can be all those things and so much more.”

“If you want to keep giving me these confidence talks every single night, I think I’ll allow you to do so.” I kissed his cheek.

“If you ever feel like you’re losing ground, you’ve got all of us. The Lord first, the little ones, my family, the church. You’ll never have to stand alone, trust me.”

“I’ll try to believe you on that.”

“You don’t trust me, and you’re about to marry me? I’m wounded, woman,” he joked back.

“The one person I trusted with all of my heart and soul turned out to be a man I don’t even recognize. That has shaken me up a little—well, a lot. My core is rocking.” That was an understatement.

Mrs. Sunshine came down the hallway in a bright yellow robe, with big blue slippers on her feet.

“Rock yourself on to sleep, Sweet Potato. You’ve got school in the morning. Ray is going to drive you and pick up the kids, and you’ll be off work until you can get yourself to feel better.”

“I don’t want off. I need to earn my keep.” I stood up, feeling an emptiness at the mention of school without Maize. I hated the thought.

“Earn your keep. Ain’t you soundin’ a trip. Go on to bed, Sweet Potato.” Mrs. Sunshine kicked out her foot at me, and her slipper flew right off. We all laughed as I headed off to bed.

Surprisingly enough, I slept without dreaming and woke up feeling I could face whatever lay ahead. Maybe some pretty major prayers had been spoken over me. Whatever it was, I needed it to keep going if I was to make it in this new world.

Ray made me breakfast as I sat at the little corner table in their kitchen.

“Why the special treatment this morning? You know we could’ve stepped on through to the Soul Food kitchen.”

I squinted at the walls like I could see straight through them with x-ray vision. I could make out the shadows of life behind that sheetrock. Without stepping foot into it, I could still feel the vibrations of that miracle-working place pumping through my heart. What did that farm mean to me now? Would I be able to leave a place I’d grown to love so much?

“I’ve gotta make that walk down to the bus stop. I better get going.” I began to clean up the dishes, and Ray stopped me.

“I didn’t want you riding the bus anymore. I’d rather drive you. It will give us more time to see each other, and you’ll get to spend more time with the kids this way.” He pointed to his watch. “We better hurry, though.”

Seeing Bell and Bean all dressed in their Dream clothes and clear-eyed—well, it made my heart feel good.

I pulled on Bell’s hair bow. “You guys are looking mighty sharp.”

She had never looked prettier, with her little plaits and matching barrettes. Bean was polished up squeaky clean. I wanted to tell them how much I missed them, but I didn’t want to start sad on a Monday morning. I didn’t want to ask them if they’d seen Daddy, either. Maybe it was best if we all had a little break from him until we could sort this mess out.

I frowned. “Lookie who’s here.”

When we pulled up at the drop-off circle, Daddy was in the corner lot, talking to the principal. His disheveled frame slumped with weariness. He still had on his same clothes from the day before, and he looked like he hadn’t slept a bit. Served him right.

Ray squeezed my hand. “You have to forgive him, baby. It’s the only way to move forward.”

“What if I don’t want to? What if it’s not fair if I do?” I whispered so the kids couldn’t hear me.

They were already climbing out of the back seat and running full force to their daddy. He couldn’t save them, because he couldn’t even save himself. Maybe that was why he ultimately gave them away. He knew he didn’t have it in him anymore to be Superman. Maybe Daddy was ready for retirement.

“If you don’t forgive, your heart grows a little bit colder by the minute. We’d miss out on so much if you let it freeze, baby. We’ve got many miles to go.”

“Stay on, brother … roll on, sister … just for a little while … we’ve got miles to go,” I sang to him before kissing him on the cheek and sliding out the door.

“I’ll be here at three,” Ray called out. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Everyone was looking in our direction, and I could tell the teachers already had wind of what had happened to my baby brother. We were big news, the lot of us.

Daddy motioned me over, and I felt my bookbag droop off my shoulder and down my back. My pride began to fall like old granny pantyhose. “Sweet Potato, let’s go on into the office,” the principal requested.

“Well, Daddy, find him?” I questioned.

“No!” I could see the stubbornness in his eyes. He wasn’t going to give up. Maybe he would after I told him what I saw.

“Mr. Jones, have a seat here.” Principal Newberry directed Daddy and me to sit down. “I hate to hear this about Maize. He seemed like he was off to a positive start here. I spoke with some of his teachers over the weekend, and they didn’t see any signs.”

“He’s turned,” I spoke quietly. “He’s theirs.”

“Not if I have a say in it.” Daddy balled his hands up into fists.

“Sweet Potato, you saw him?” the principal asked me.

Well, I didn’t want to have to tell it to Daddy directly. He could hear it second hand.

“Yes, sir. He’s wearing the signs of the East Coast Grims. They chased me away, and he told me never to go back down there again. And I promise you, I never will. Maize is lost. He’s decided, and there is nothing we can do about it now.”

It all came out so fast. I figured if I said it like that, it wouldn’t have time to settle down into the deep parts of me—like I could run these words off like a line in a play. That was how I was going to get through this. I was an actor in some elaborate production about street life. Drugs, homelessness, poverty, gangs … I was the epitome of the street. Look up “street” in the dictionary, and it would be on the same page as “Sweet Potato.” Ironically, Webster already put us on the same page. How considerate.

“What did he say, Sweet Potato?” Daddy was so shamed he couldn’t even look me in the eye. “Was he okay?”

“I told him that you gave the kids away, and that still didn’t make him come back with me.” I challenged him to look at me.

“If that didn’t bring him back, nothing will.” Daddy stood up. “Well, Mr. Newberry, I want you to look after the rest of my children.” He held out his hand to me. “You take care of yourself.”

“What are you planning to do, sir?” The principal shook his hand when I would not reach out to him. I would show him no support. He would have to live with what he had done to us.

Daddy said, “I’m going on ahead to get some things ready.”

“You gonna learn how to milk a cow?” I chided. “Too late for that, Daddy.”

The principal was already calling in the guidance counselor. I was sure they thought I needed to be talking to somebody right about now. But they didn’t know me. All I needed to do was talk to the Lord. I would have a direct call with Him later.

“It’s never too late to walk the right road,” Daddy said.

“But this time you’re going to be walking it alone,” I said.

I pushed past him and ran down to my first class. I made it right before the bell rang. How was I to face the looks? As the eyes of some of the students met mine, I realized that I might not be the only one who had lost a brother to the Grims. Or maybe some were taken over by The Five. I could see looks of understanding and fear. One student left the room once Ms. Joann began the discussion on French and Indian War. I wondered if they couldn’t bear to be in the same room as me, because I reminded them of their own little street soldier or someone close to them they’d lost.

My day at The Dream was out of focus. It was like I was looking through a camera lens that needed repair. Colors were distorted. Ray was all I wanted to see. Those kids came and held my hand, one on each side, as we waited for Big Red to drive around after the last bell rang. He was here right on time.

“How was your day?”

He asked the kids, not me. I guessed he knew better than to ask how my day had been. I sat back, intently watching their little faces as they recapped every single detail, memorizing every nuance, every rise and fall of their chests.

Ray slowly pulled up to the church. Pastor was out fixing the sign. It read, “Want to know the game plan? Come inside for details.”

“Well, hallelujah. Let’s all clap.” I turned away.

“It’s choir night,” Bell reported. “Can you come, Sweet Potato?”

“No, baby. I have to work. I’ll see you afterward, though. Why don’t you stop in for some …” I almost said pie, but I caught myself. Everything was going to remind me of Maize.

“We’ll ask Mrs. Patty,” Bell said quietly. “I’m sure she won’t mind.”

Ray opened his door and helped the kids out. He walked over and started talking to the pastor, who raised his hand to give me a wave. I had to turn my head.

When I turned back, Bell and Bean had already disappeared behind those big, wooden double-doors. A haven for them in a church home. I had to find some peace in that, knowing the spirit of my Bell. I bet her inside brass bells were ringing with the eternal joy that seemed to spring from her inner well. I bet she was at some deep kind of peace now. How could I ever take that away from her? No matter how I tried to figure things out, she belonged in a place like this, to people like this. I knew it, even though it was the hardest thing I’d ever have to accept in my life.

Be free, Bell. Be free.