Suffocating. My body jerked and heaved upward like I was breaking free of the river Styx that filled my lungs with black water, dragging me under. I let out a noise, but it didn’t sound human.

“Sweet Potato.” His hands cradled my face, and I could feel his fingers running down my cheek. “Oh, baby.”

I tried to focus on his face. Nothing felt like it was working right. The haze felt like permanent tears clouding my vision.

“Ray.” I tried to speak, but it only came out in a broken whisper.

“Momma,” he called out, without taking his hands from my face. “Momma!”

“I’m here, I’m here.” Mrs. Sunshine came busting into the room. I heard her enter, but I couldn’t turn my eyes from Ray. My head wouldn’t turn if I tried. I felt duct-taped to the pillow. I needed for him to know just how much …

 

 

Did days pass, or was it a moment?

The scene was the same. Still suffocating. Still hurting—but at least this time my eyes could clearly register the face of the man I adored. Could I speak?

“I love you, Ray Patterson. I love you. I was saying I ain’t got nothing to live for except you. You are my life, Ray. I love you.”

My voice still hadn’t gained its momentum, and I squeaked like a little field mouse.

He cried, “I know, baby, and you are mine. I love you, too, baby.”

He kissed my mouth eagerly, the wetness of his tears against my cheek.

“Joe, she just woke up. Come on.” The phone slammed down on the table beside me.

The room was filled with nurses and a doctor with flashlights and probes and big, old black arm cuffs. Questions were being thrown at me.

“You suffered head trauma, Sweet Potato. Do you remember what happened?”

When the doctor asked me that one, it only took one look at Ray for me to know the truth of what had happened behind my back.

“He’s gone.”

I knew it was true, and I knew what he had sacrificed for me. Oh, Maize, why did it come to that? Your life over mine. You could have taken mine just fine if it meant you would have lived.

The doctor patted my hand. “You have been in a coma for over a week. You are one lucky woman.”

Mrs. Sunshine said, “Hush up. There was no luck about it. She is blessed and blessed indeed.”

The mouth of the doctor kept on moving, but I missed everything else he said. I heard something about not rushing things or talking about anything that would upset me. My head was still feeling woozy. The room was spinning like a record. My body fell back against the bed, and I felt my head roll to the side like I hadn’t yet learned how to control my muscles.

I watched as a man in a white coat put something from a needle into this long tube attached to me, and I was gone again, searching out Maize in my dreams. The boots were crushing my skull. Weight. He was holding out his hands to me. The gun dropping at my side. The smell of the sulfur. All I wanted to tell him was how sorry I was I couldn’t save him, and how brave he was for giving his life for me. I wasn’t worthy of that.

He wasn’t wearing black at all. His arms were outstretched to me.

He joked, “How you like this get up?”

I smiled at him. “White looks good on you.”

“We prayed me out and upwards.” Maize’s grin was more than I could take.

I wanted to feel him, touch him.

But the closer I tried to come to him, the farther and farther away he went, until he was out of my reach completely—and I knew he was gone. Gone, but not lost.

When I woke up this time, I made sure I did it slower. I focused on my surroundings and let the room come to me. My eyes fell on Mrs. Sunshine. She had her Bible spread out on her lap and her hand over her chest as she leaned over to Mr. Joe, both using each other for props as they slept. Ray was closer to me, and I turned my head the other way to find him. He looked like death warmed over, and I wanted so desperately to comfort him. Daddy was standing behind him, watching me with those giant, dark eyes. I tried to smile at him, and I knew my face twitched, but I wasn’t quite sure if the corners of my mouth came up in the right way.

“Hey, Daddy,” I whispered. My voice was foreign to my ears, but I knew he could make it out.

“Hey, Sweet Potato Jones. Welcome back.” He choked back tears.

“I’m sorry, Daddy.”

I tried my best to keep my face in the smiling position, no matter how it hurt me to do it. My face was bruised, and my jawbone was already starting to ache. If he asked me what I was sorry for, I wouldn’t be able to answer him. I was sorry for all the wrongs in our lives. For all the paths he should have led us on but didn’t. I was sorry for not standing up to his nonsense long ago, stepping along with him when I did have a voice. For enabling him more than helping. I was sorry for all of that, and for so much more, but I would never be able to say it aloud. Some things just had to be understood.

“I’m sorry, too,” he said.

And I knew it was for all those things and more. The burden he had carried on his back for all those years must have been a heavy load. I hoped now it could be lifted and we could somehow find a place where we could start over—and I wasn’t talking about leaving Newport News. I meant a place in the heart where forgiveness could heal, and love could find a way.

Ray rubbed my arm and leaned in close to me. “Are you feeling okay? Do you need anything?”

“The kids? Are they all right?” I whispered to him. My throat felt like I had swallowed burning knives in a carnival show.

“They’re with Pastor. We’ve been calling them. They’re too young to come here, because of the hospital rules and all the flu protocols, but they’re worried sick.”

He rubbed his face with his hands and said, “We’ve all been sick with worry. If I would have lost you …”

“Well, it’s over now.” I put my hand to my throat, trying to massage it so I could talk better. I sipped the water Ray gave me, but it did me no good.

“I’ll call them now for you. Do you want to hear them? Why did I ask? Of course, you do.”

When their voices came on the line, my eyes overflowed with tears. They sounded fine. Ray was talking to me, telling them the tube they’d used down my throat made it hard for me to speak right now, but I could hear everything they were saying, and I was smiling. So that must have meant my face muscles were still working, no matter how strange my bones felt.

Bean said, “Why did the cookie go to the hospital?”

Ray asked, “Why?”

“Because she was feeling crummy.” He laughed on the other end, and I couldn’t help but try to laugh along with him.

“Hey, do you know if you fart for six straight years, you could power up an atomic bomb?”

Ray laughed. “Well, is that what you been learning in school this week?”

Even though he wasn’t funny, and I would never tell him how silly his jokes were, he was my boy, and he was doing what he knew best. He was giving me his gift right there.

It took me another week before the doctors said I could go home, but that week was spent with me resting in and out and not remembering much of anything. That was what I needed most, I believed. It hurt too much when I saw the way everybody was looking at me. Better living life with my eyes closed.

When the release papers were signed, I had to sign my own forms. Daddy wasn’t anywhere in sight, and I was sure it was because he was still getting things in order. I guessed that meant he had to see to Maize’s arrangements and burial. I hated he had to face that alone. I’d done all the work for Momma’s funeral and would have probably had to do it all for Maize, if I wasn’t stuck in this hospital.

Ray said he’d been a hospital camper this whole time and was trying to tell me all about what I’d missed, but he knew I wasn’t listening to anything he was saying. It’s not that I didn’t want not to concentrate; it was too hard to settle my mind on one thing. Sleeping felt much better.

Ray said, “Yep, that’s right, Sweet Potato. You missed your birthday. You’re already eighteen.”

The nurse helped me into the wheelchair, even though I didn’t need one. She said it was the rule, and I wouldn’t be making it out of here unless I followed it, so I didn’t fight her on it.

“I’m glad I missed it.” I knew he would never understand that about me. Some days weren’t meant to be celebrating.

“Don’t think you’re getting out of it that easy. I’ve got something special planned for you,” he whispered in my ear as he helped lift me up into Big Red. I could tell whatever it was, it was eating away at him, and the excitement seemed to grow on him by the second.

I didn’t feel like talking on the way home, and I was glad I didn’t have to. There were so many questions I had for him. The first was to find out what had happened to Maize’s body. Had they had a proper burial for him, and did they know just how much of a sacrifice my boy had made to save my life? He’d bought me time by firing those shots. He alerted the police with all that shooting. He took his own life to spare mine. I would be the one that would have to tell Maize’s story.

I had other questions, too. Who were the bodies claimed at Soul Food that day? Was it customers I knew? Had they caught the crew responsible for it? I knew the driver was a trigger man. I could pick him out. And what did this mean for my family and me? Would I be taken again? Was it over? Would any of us ever be safe with a mark on my head? I knew too much.

Hiding out might still be our only choice in life. What was that on Ray’s apron? Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord, for I hide myself in you.

Through the windshield, I stared out at the crisp, October sky and watched as the world changed colors without me. Time was passing, still on its celestial plan. Life was moving along at its pace. Who was I to think I could control it, anyway? I lived to say I love you. I lived to say I’m sorry. I would see Maize on the other side. God was still an awesome God. I gave Him all the glory.

Ray pulled up to the entrance to the church and stopped the car. He was already getting out of the car to help me out.

“What are we doing here? I know it’s Sunday afternoon and all, but I’m just not up to seeing anybody. I need to go home.”

“You are home,” he answered me. “I’ve got a surprise for you, remember?”

I put my hand on his face and drew him into me for a kiss. “Ray Patterson, I love you.”

He replied, “I love you, too,” as he picked me up and cradled me against his chest. “You’re going to be my wife soon, don’t be forgetting that. Was waiting for that legal age. We gonna make it official.”

“You know I can walk,” I whispered into his warm neck.

“Baby, I believe you could fly, if you wanted to. But let me do this right now, Wonder Woman.”

I felt a little piece of my soul returning to me. God, help me through this. I need you, Lord. I just can’t do it alone.

“Maize’s doing all the flying for this family right now,” I told him.

I believed what I’d dreamed was true. I would never tell a soul about it, for fear they would take me to the loony bin. I felt his presence, the essence of him in my spirit, even as I was being carried up them church stairs. If he was in the dark place, I didn’t believe God could allow him close to me. So that meant he had to be waiting for me by the pearly gates. Maybe he had found Momma. Maybe they had both accepted the Lord before their last breaths. Who was I the one to judge or question? God knew it, and I guessed I would have to be patient and find it out someday.

I gasped. “Oh.”

The church was filled solid with people. Candles lined all the aisles, the front of the pulpit, every windowsill. Arrangements of morning glories were all over this place of worship, and I knew all about that flower. I’d looked it up after Daddy had told me about my name. A morning glory symbolized somebody loving in vain. I knew that all too well. I loved despite myself, without deserving it, whether it did me any good. I loved because I had to, even when it was returned harshly. I had no other choice but to love and pray. Even if it was in vain, I would love anyway.

I knew our walk had led us here to this place, and God was with me every step of the long road. Love was washing over me. Prayer was hovering over me again, and the Spirit of the Lord was there. I had to be open to it and let it in.

Mrs. Sunshine announced, “We’ve been keeping the candles burning day and night. Burning for Maize and burning for your recovery.”

It was so quiet in the sanctuary. Everybody was standing up as Ray walked me down the aisle. He set me softly down on my feet, and I walked unsteadily to the front of the church.

Ray was right to bring me here. It wasn’t because I was a miracle walking. It was that Jesus was my miracle-maker. Being here made perfect sense to me in this imperfect world. At the end of the aisle, Ray didn’t turn me back to face the people or give some great speech about how thankful he was I was out of that hospital. He let me stand there, waiting, wondering.

Bell came out from the choir door, dressed in a lavender dress with a white coat and little gloves, pretty as a princess, her hair done up in twisted knots. She let out a squeal of pure joy, and I closed my eyes, trying my best to hold in all of my emotions.

Bean was now with her, dressed in a white suit, purple tie, and sideways hat, looking all stunning, like a Blues-singing boy. He took his little sister’s hand, and they stood up at the pulpit together. The piano played, and Bell’s little voice came out like a warm, summer melody drifting lazy on the wind. Not the kind that would take my breath away—more like a soft, gentle breeze blowing against my face. I stared into her eyes lovingly, proud, and in that second, I knew what her freedom felt like against my broken heart. Against all odds, we were fighters, the whole lot of us. Fighting for a purpose that was not our own. With God on our side, no one could be against us. We were going to be okay. There could be no other way.

Their voices rose together in unison—such a beautiful duet.

 

Battered log drifting in the river wild, crashing aimlessly from riverbank side to side. That’s how I feel sometimes, like a motherless child,

holding on to the hope where the river ends, when freedom calls only God knows when

here’s a turn around the bend, Lord just pull me out.

 

The door opened again, and I cried out in wonder. “Maize?”

I screamed out his name as he stepped out all in white like from my dream.

Bell and Bean kept singing, their words speaking my heart.

 

I find my feet and start to feel my place.

I recognize the Lord has made this race not for the faint of heart, so I trudge on.

I find the spirit call, grant me wisdom and a loving heart,

courage for a brand-new start.

The Lord is faithful, and He hears my beating heart.

Lord just pull me out.

 

Daddy was standing behind him, and he gently pushed Maize toward me. Maize burst into a run, toppling down the steps. He took me up in his arms, knocking me back into Ray. His tears wet my face. My hands came up to run through his hair, across his neck. His pulse was there. He was bruised, scarred, but he was alive. Thank you, Lord. Amen.

My beginnings might not have been the best there ever was. My middle was still uncertain, that was for sure. But I did believe, with all I had in me, that God had given me and my family a second chance. My boat may still have been rocking on the waves, and the storms were sure to follow us, but Jesus had my back, and I was finally ready for the party.

“Bring on life. I’m ready now,” I whispered to the Lord.

Maize cried against my neck, sobbing how sorry he was for everything. Bell and Bean held on to my waist, and Daddy and Ray stood looking on. I started singing the song Bell would often sing to us as encouragement. This time, Jesus was without a doubt coming along for the ride.

“Stay on, brother … roll on, sister … just for a little while … we got miles to go.”