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—Simone—
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Sitting alone in the living room, a sense of disconnect washed over me. After spending the day driving and focusing solely on reaching my destination, now that I’d arrived, it seemed anticlimactic. While I was relieved, I expected clarity and purpose—neither of which had come.
Bad habits niggled in the back of my mind. Ones I promised myself to overcome once I set foot in Gatlin Falls, but as my fingers sought the little kitchen knife I kept close at all times, the need to escape the pain in my head heightened to unignorable levels.
I popped the wrist button of my blouse and rolled my sleeve while tears prickled. Apologies chanted on repeat through my head, but as the blade touched down on the marred skin of my inner forearm, my silent cries for help immediately dulled with the sting of the fresh cut line.
Blood welled in scarlet beads, pretty and dark, tainted with never-ending grief.
Just one, I promised myself. To take the edge off—nothing more. Certainly not to fuel the addiction.
I’d adopted the coping mechanism the night of Reagan’s funeral. Memories of sitting in our apartment that evening, surrounded by his belongings and lingering scent had pushed me to a deeper level of agony. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the finality of his death even after saying the hardest goodbye, and somewhere between one bottle of wine and the next, a knife found its way into my hands.
The first cut came as a shock. The second brought surprise. The third and fourth were woven with anger and betrayal, deeper than the rest, until it really fucking hurt more than my heart.
I woke the next morning, eyes swollen and gritty, still wearing my black dress. The bedding stuck to my arm when I tried to move it, and once I’d carefully peeled it away, the remnants of the dried blood seemed to call to my soul. From that day on, the little knife was my solace, and I drank and bled away the heartache.
My secret stayed hidden for weeks until I rolled up my sleeves to do the dishes at Kasey’s one night. She’d stayed with me prior to Reagan’s funeral, then gave me space when I asked for it.
The despair in her eyes still brought pain to my chest. They held understanding instead of judgment, and she didn’t do anything other than gather me into her arms and hug me so tight I couldn’t breathe.
I inhaled a large breath through my nose, stretching my lungs and sniffing away the wisps of memories from the darkest time in my life.
As the welling droplets of blood dried on my arm, I switched the knife for my phone. After sending a text to Mom to let her know I’d arrived safely, I called my best friend.
Kasey answered after three rings. “Hey, Sim. You’ve arrived?”
I smiled despite the heaviness in my heart. “I have. Absolutely exhausted now though.”
Relief laced her tone. “Oh, thank God. So, what’s your new place like?”
Her question had my gaze skipping over the floral living room furniture. “Well, I wouldn’t call it new, but it’s... nice, I guess. Not my style, but it’s fine for what I need.”
“Just make sure the spare bed is made up for me because I’m already wanting to come visit.”
I laughed quietly. “It’s already got your name on it.”
Her voice softened. “I wish you’d let me drive up with you. Are you sure you’re okay?”
My pause drew out as I debated how truthful to be. “It’s been tough,” I admitted.
“Have you...?” Kasey asked.
“Yeah. I gave in just before I called you.”
“Awww, babe!”
“I know,” I whispered. “I tried to ignore it, I really did, but—”
“There’s no need to explain. I get it, hon,” she cut in. “I’m just worried about you.”
My chest spasmed as I held in a sob. “I had to do this on my own, Kase. You know that.”
I’d become so used to her being by my side that I’d grown to fear being alone. The move to Gatlin Falls was to prove to myself that I could do it by myself. To grow, to bloom, and above all, to re-find the real me. And the coming and going of vacationers to Gatlin Falls made it the perfect place to blend in while starting afresh. That was the plan anyway... So far, my arrival had been anything but masked.
“Someone kissed me,” I blurted.
Kasey audibly choked on her tongue. “Fucking what? Kissed you?” She spluttered a couple more times. “Where? When? Like, how?”
“I dunno!” I cried. “I stopped at a diner after I arrived, and the next thing I knew, this guy was reading my list, then his hands were on my face, and he was kissing me!”
“Like good or bad kissing you? And how did he get your list?”
“Well, I freaked out, so I’d say bad. And I don’t know. It must have fallen from my bag when I pulled my car keys out.”
Awe rose in her tone. “And did you feel anything?”
“Yeah. I was pissed.”
Kasey clicked her tongue impatiently. “About the kiss, silly.”
I looked down at my freshly cut arm and uttered, “Guilt. I felt guilty.”
A hissed curse came through the phone, then a moment of silence. “You’ve got nothing to be guilty of, babe. No one said it would be easy, but it’s going to be okay. Trust me. I feel it in my erythrocytes.”
I snorted. Being a phlebotomist, Kasey loved using fancy words from work. “Better than feeling it in your precapillary sphincter, I guess.”
“No one likes feeling it in their sphincter, Simone,” she deadpanned.
The first humored laugh in recent history bubbled out without me trying to stop it. It had taken more than six months to laugh without becoming riddled with shame. Some days I still struggled with accepting moments of joy without Reagan, and I feared the urge to suppress joy would never fully ease.
I sighed deeply, thankful that Kasey didn’t try too hard to get me through the slump. She was good like that; deeply empathetic and silently strong.
“You’ve already made the hardest step, Sim. Leaving everything you know and moving to a small town takes lady-balls, and I’m so damn proud of you for taking the chance.”
The self-doubt refused to budge. “What if I made the wrong decision?”
“Then you move back,” she countered immediately. “No harm done. Besides, what if you made the right one? Give yourself no expectations. No expectations mean no disappointment, remember?”
“Yeah... I remember.” While studying the drying line of blood across my inner forearm, I promised to be kinder to myself. The last year and a half had ruined me and while I had healed from the initial grief, it was still raw.
“Thanks, Kase. I really needed that reminder.”
“That’s what besties are for. And also to remind you to eat. Have you eaten tonight?”
I grimaced. “Not yet.”
“Simone Jamison, end this call right now and go get yourself some food. Don’t make me drive all the way up there to force-feed you.”
I laughed off the threat while running a hand through my loose hair, untangling it as I went. “I promise I’ll go in search of food—there’s literally not a single thing to eat in the cottage, so I need to make a trip to the store.”
“Wine and bubble bath should be at the top of your list.”
“I thought you said food?”
“Wine and bubble bath after the food, goddammit!” she exclaimed.
My shoulders relaxed and my laughter came freely. It felt good to have the weight of the world lifted, even for a few moments. “Food, wine, and bubble bath.”
“And in that order,” Kasey commanded.
I toyed with a strand of my hair as seriousness returned. “I miss you.”
Her tone also softened. “I miss you too, Simmy. Honestly, call me anytime. Even if it’s two in the morning. I’d rather you call than have you thinking that you’re alone in this. We may be in different states now, but I’ll still drive all that way just for a hug if you ask me to.”
“Thanks, babe.” Tears prickled in the corners of my eyes. I sniffed and wiped my nose on my sleeve. “I’m a bit fragile at the moment.”
She hummed. “As expected. You’re exhausted. I’ll let you go get food. I suggest delivery.”
“I don’t even know if this place does delivery.”
“Hmm, I’m not liking Gatlin Falls already. No delivery, six hundred miles away, and random guys that kiss you... sounds like Gatlin Falls should come with a warning, not the hundreds of reviews raving about the place.”
I snickered. “Well, as far as scenery goes, it is beautiful here.”
“I can’t wait to see it.”
“Can’t wait to show you.” I smiled. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”
“You’d better,” Kasey demanded. “See ya, babe.”
“See ya, Kase.” I disconnected before emotion got the better of me, then rose to my feet.
Pacing the worn living room carpet, I turned every six steps and retraced my steps while forcing myself to focus on the movement instead of the urge to reach for my knife again.
Riding the surge of determination, I rinsed off my fresh cut, swiped a little antiseptic cream across it, then rolled down my blouse sleeve to cover the sins.
Without allowing myself to overthink, I pulled on my little canvas shoes, grabbed my handbag, and emerged from the little cottage into the sweet evening air.
The unique scent of the nearby lake consumed me as I made my way along the street. That freshness settled my nerves, and the farther I walked toward the town center, the quieter my mind became.
A pub came into view. One that sat proudly on the corner with a gravel parking lot out front and a grassy slope at the side that stretched to the lake shore. There were a few cars in the parking lot already, including a cop car, which put me further at ease. Surely the patrons would be on their best behavior with a cop present.
Hoping for a table tucked out of the main thoroughfare, I inhaled a deep breath, then pulled on the heavy wooden entrance door. I paused for a beat to let my eyes adjust to the dimmer interior. The place bustled but wasn’t overwhelming, and as I made my way to the bar, a waving hand caught my attention, pulling my focus left.
The officer’s familiar smile had my own forming, only to drop into a frown when I saw who he sat with.
“Fuck,” I whispered under my breath.
Banks.
