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—Simone—
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No amount of chastising myself would make up for how stupid I’d been. I’d shielded both my body and emotion so closely during the last year and a half that I should have known better. I let my guard slip. Exposed myself in the worst way possible. Grief was grief, but self-harm was an addiction that few understood. Hell, I didn’t even understand my sordid need to draw my own blood. It wasn’t a fetish, but fuck, it felt good shifting my focus when my dark thoughts grew too loud.
And now... fuck.
I paced the small living room while pressing my hands to my temples. “So fucking stupid,” I hissed then called Kasey on a whim.
“Hey Simmy, how are you?”
“Bad! Very very bad!”
“Oh shit, what’s happened?”
I threw my arm wide. “Bad things have happened, that’s what!”
Kasey cracked out a laugh. “I need you to elaborate, babe. Are we talking lost your car keys bad, or need a trip to the ER to explain how a cucumber got lodged in your colon bad?”
A cough knotted in my throat. “What the fuck have you been up to?”
Kasey laughed hard. “So, none of the above?”
My voice pitched into the phone. “None of the above!”
She snickered a few more times before getting serious. “Okay, tell me the bad part. And if it’s not as bad as a trip to the ER due to an ass cucumber, I don’t want to hear about it,” she teased.
My heart pounded and my throat closed. “Someone found out.”
A beat of silence came. “About?”
“My arms,” I hissed.
Another pulse of hush came, and I waited while Kasey picked her questions. “Who was it, and how did they react?”
“Uh... So, you know the guy from yesterday?”
“The Kisser?”
I snorted. “You can’t name him the kisser. His—”
“Just did,” she cut in. “As you were saying?”
“He came by earlier with a succulent and a fucking pie his mom made. I answered the door and forgot to cover my arms. He saw the marks, Kase.”
“Shit. How did he react?”
“Shocked, then concerned, then understanding, then... normal. We sat on the front step and ate pie.”
“Uh... okay... What did you tell him?”
I pressed a shaking hand to my forehead while trying to think straight. “To never mention it again. Then he asked about my list, and I freaked out. Thankfully, he took the hint and left soon after, but I haven’t been able to shift the wad of dread lodged in my lungs. What if he tells everyone, Kase?”
“And what if he doesn’t?” she countered. “What if he was just genuinely concerned and genuinely wanted to hang with you?”
“People here are... different,” I whispered.
Kasey tsked. “So far, the people there sound far more human than the robots in the city. Just breathe babe. Life isn’t out to get you.”
“It feels like it is.”
Her voice softened. “I know, hon, but go easy on yourself. Be proud for following your dreams. That takes courage, and after everything you’ve been through, you have it in spades, Simmy.”
I blinked rapidly to clear the prickling emotion. “Thanks, Kase. I’ve been here for twenty-four hours, and it all seems too much. I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing.”
“You won’t know until you try, remember?”
A smile tugged my lips. “Yeah, I remember. You’ve only said that six hundred times already.”
She cracked out a single laugh. “Ha! And I mean it. Feeling a bit better now?”
I released a large exhale. “Yeah, I do. Sorry for being so needy and calling you again.”
“Hey! That’s what I’m here for. Call any of your friends and family and they’d do the same. You know they would.”
“I know,” I murmured. “I just hate that I’m still putting this on you guys. It’s been over a year and a half already.”
“And?” Kasey stated, now chewing something crunchy. She hummed while swallowing, then added, “What happened to Reagan was traumatic as fuck, Sim. No one expects you to get over that in a heartbeat.”
“Those horrible things his parents said still bother me.”
“Fuck his parents. Honestly. Sure, they were grieving, but they were out of line. You were with him for years and what they did was selfish and disgusting. I’m glad you’re done with them.”
I sighed again. “So am I.”
As if giving evidence during the manslaughter trial wasn’t enough, his parents screwed me over by fighting to get every last cent of his life insurance and savings. Despite dating for three years, Reagan never updated his policies, so when it came time to pay out, I hired a lawyer. And so did his parents. I fought the decision for almost a year until the courts ultimately ruled in their favor. Thank God Reagan had moved into my apartment and my name was still on the lease, otherwise, I would have been left homeless.
With our apartment now sold, I put most of my material life in a storage unit in Denver, then left the ghosts behind.
“I’m still going to buy voodoo dolls so we can pin the shit out of them when I come and stay,” Kasey declared.
I giggled. “Evil bitch.”
“After what they did to you, I make no apologies. Argh!” she exclaimed. “It just makes me so angry still!” Slow, restorative breathing came through the phone while she pulled herself together.
“Feel better now?” I deadpanned.
She coughed a little. “Yep. Do you?”
“Yeah. Thank you.”
“Anytime, Simmy. And promise me you’ll keep me updated about The Kisser.”
“Oh my god, I’m going now,” I laughed.
“Promise me dammit!” Kasey yelled.
“Goodbye, Kase!”
I disconnected and shook my head. I missed her crazy ass.
Making my way to the master bedroom, I unzipped the suitcase I’d purposely neglected and gently moved aside the photos and trinkets. Aside from the hoodies, the one thing that both settled and devastated me was Reagan’s half-used bottle of cologne.
I brought it to my nose and inhaled. The scent that smelled so delectable on his neck now brought tears to my eyes.
I still slept with the cologne bottle on my bedside table. Some nights, wafts of his scent would penetrate my dreams, and I’d wake believing he was in the room, only to cry myself to sleep when the nightmare of his death resettled.
Swallowing around the wedge in my throat, I breathed in one last inhale, then set the dark opaque bottle next to my bed. That one strategic placement brought him closer to a town that was so new and scary without him.
