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—Simone—
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Fuck I felt bad about leading Banks on. One minute I entertained the thought of what it would be like kissing his beautiful grin again, then the next minute, my stomach rolled with nausea at the thought of kissing someone when my heart still belonged to Reagan.
To top it off, Banks’s confronting honesty took me by surprise. Our conversation plagued and niggled at me and ultimately forced me to scrutinize my day-to-day existence. Realistically, now that I’d settled into Gatlin Falls, it was time to get real. I needed money, so I had to find a job.
So, a few days after saying a teary goodbye to Kasey, I found myself pushing through the heavy wooden doors of the Lakeside Pint once more, though this time for a different reason.
Wendy’s eyebrows shot high when I marched up to the bar and asked her if she had a job opening. A smile crept across her mouth when I told her I could start as soon as she needed me, and I walked out of the pub five minutes later as the new Lakeside Pint employee, nervous yet eager to bartend later that night.
The spring in my step faltered the moment Banks sped around the corner on his BMX, seemingly in a hurry but slowing when he spotted me.
“Fuck,” I cursed. Having successfully avoided him for almost the week, my luck had run out.
His cocky smirk grew as he biked over and balanced on the pedals. “Got arrested lately, new girl?”
I rolled my eyes and pointlessly tried to outpace him. “You already know the answer to that.”
“Wish I hadda seen it.”
“I’m glad you didn’t.”
His deep chuckle created an unexpected wash of butterflies in my belly, and I flipped him off to distract myself from the unwanted reaction. The reprieve was short-lived, mere seconds before he went and opened his big mouth again.
“Gotta admit, I’m glad Reed wasn’t the arresting officer; him seeing the entire package wouldn’t sit well with me.”
My feet practically fused to the pavement. “Excuse me?”
Banks braked and set one foot on the ground. “You heard me.”
My initial shock dissipated, and indignation kicked in. “Fuck you,” I spat. “You don’t get a say over who I show my body to. None.” I pinched my fingers together and shoved them in his face. “Literally zero.”
“I’m not staking a claim! I’m just worried that you flashing your body around is gonna earn you a reputation,” he stated, throwing up both hands like it was a no-brainer.
A snarl wove its way through my clenched teeth. “A reputation?”
“Yeah. Between you and Kasey—”
“Get out of my face!” I hissed.
“Si—”
“I don’t want to hear it.” Having lost all buoyancy in my mood, I stormed away, barely blinking back tears.
Banks’s comment stung. It cut me deeper than it should have and after two weeks of doing great, it had me craving to reach for my blade again. Even after saying goodbye to Kasey, I’d managed to keep my demons at bay, but they were never dormant for long, and as I hurried away from Banks calling my name, they were unignorable.
He didn’t follow me, and after calling out twice more, his voice silenced—thank God for small mercies. That was where the blessing stopped, though.
The instant I pushed through the front door of the cottage, I rushed for the little blade I hadn’t picked up in two weeks. I pressed the tip to the soft inside of my forearm and let out a sob when it pierced my skin.
As a single band of blood beaded and trickled, I fell to my knees and pressed a trembling hand to my lips.
As per usual, the theme of my life was three steps forward and two back.
~
The passing hours failed to ease how salty I was at Banks, and when I looked up from behind the bar to see him sheepishly enter the Lakeside Pint, my eyes rolled so hard I nearly passed out.
I nudged Wendy. “I’m just going out back for a minute.”
Her suspicious gaze flicked from me to Banks when I couldn’t help but glance in his direction, then her lips pursed. “You tell me now if I need to have a talk to that boy, darlin’. You know I will.”
“After the way he spoke to me earlier, you can go right ahead and say whatever you want.” With a final glare at Banks, I strode into the kitchen with my head held high.
Behind me, Wendy’s scathing tone had me snickering. “And what can I get you, Mr. Gatlin, aside from a large reminder on how to be respectin’ a woman?”
I didn’t stick around to hear his reply, mostly because I feared it would prove that I’d overreacted.
“Feeling hungry already, Simone?” Saul asked as I scanned the lineup of meals being prepared.
I laughed and leaned against the workbench at his side. “No. I’m actually avoiding someone.”
Curiosity lifted his eyebrows. “Oh yeah? Who are we talking about here?”
“Banks Gatlin,” I drawled.
Saul snickered. “I should have known it was a Gatlin. If it’s not them, it’s the Jackson boys. They’re grown now, but when they were younger, if there was trouble in town, one of those families were in the thick of it.”
Interest sufficiently piqued, I folded my arms over my chest and got comfortable. “Really? You have to tell me more.”
Saul’s full-bodied laugh filled the kitchen. “I’d need a whole lot more than you hiding for a few minutes to fill you in. Let’s just say it’s a miracle those boys survived their childhood as well as grew into respectable adults.”
I grimaced. “Now I feel bad for Wendy giving Banks a lecture on respecting women.”
His faded blue gaze locked on me as his movements slowed. “He disrespected you?”
“No! God no.” I held up my hands to placate him. “Nothing like that. We just had a stupid argument earlier, and I’m not ready to hash it out.”
Saul hummed while lifting a meat patty from the frying pan, then placed it on the awaiting burger bun. “If he’s come to your place of work, he’s ready to grovel. Men don’t typically turn up just to create a scene. He wants to apologize.”
I shifted and hugged myself harder. “Well, he can wait. I’m at work.”
Saul side-eyed me. “Really? Looks like you’re hiding, Simone.”
“Oh shush.” I playfully flicked his shoulder, then peered into the pub. “I think he’s gone.”
“Too bad if he’s not because these burgers need to go out to table four whether you’re ready to show your face or not.”
I accepted the plates and pulled my shoulders back. “Doesn’t mean I have to talk to him.”
“If you say so, love. All I know is that even when Wendy can’t stand my ass, she’ll still instigate a discussion sooner or later.”
“That’s because Wendy is a hardass,” I teased, receiving a wicked smirk.
“That she is.”
With an amused smile on my face and confident that Banks had left the pub, I sauntered into the bar area in search of table four. Three steps out and my smile faltered. The plates became forgotten in my grasp and my heart lurched. Banks sat at the side bar with a fresh glass of beer, and his unblinking gaze stayed trained on me.
I swallowed.
He stared.
I glared harder.
He smirked and arched a brow.
Heat crept up my cheeks, annoying me and instantly putting me in a bad mood.
Delivering the plates of food in a hurry wasn’t my best service of the night, and once the patrons assured me they were happy, I set Banks in my sights.
“What are you doing here?” I hissed quietly, standing super close.
He lifted his beer. “Enjoying a beer... and the view.” His eyes skimmed down my body, then over my shoulder where two young women sat in a booth.
“Goodbye,” I spat and spun on my heel.
Firm fingers snagged my inner elbow, halting my escape. “You don’t get to be angry, Simone.”
I clenched my teeth. “Let go of me.”
“Not until you hear me out,” he bit back.
My attention dashed to Wendy behind the bar, watching our exchange. She gave me a subtle nod that indicated we needed to take this outside.
“Not here,” I whispered.
Banks followed me through the rear entrance and into the darkening evening. A quick glance around the shadows confirmed we were alone, and I whirled on him.
“Okay, what do you want to say?”
He puffed out a sharp breath and set his hands on his hips. “Why are you so angry? I actually wanted to apologize, but you seem hell-bent on getting your claws out any chance you get.”
Indignation struck deep. “From where I’m standing, you need to take a good hard look in the mirror.”
“My mirror’s fine.”
I snorted. “You obviously can’t see it around your over-inflated ego.”
His eyes flashed with warning in the twilight, yet he shifted closer. Heat from his torso radiated onto mine and I sucked in a sharp inhale.
“I don’t like this side of you,” he hissed.
“What side?”
Banks crossed his arms over his chest and rose to full height, eyeing me from high above. “I heard about you and Kasey flashing Reed.”
An unwelcome spear of dread shot through my chest. “He told you?”
“Of course he did,” Banks growled, then swallowed loudly. “This is all about your fucking list again, isn’t it?”
I stared for a beat, holding his unwavering gaze, until the penny dropped. “You’re jealous!”
“Of course I’m jealous! From the instant I first saw you, I wanted you. I literally couldn’t tear my eyes away. I kissed you without even knowing your name, for fuck’s sake, and all I want to do is kiss the hell out of you again. I’m jealous because I don’t want any other warm-blooded male lookin’ at your body. Obviously, I can’t do a damn thing about it, but that sure as fuck doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me.”
My mouth worked open and closed. Words wouldn’t form and my mind grew more jumbled. How could I have been so blind? So stupid?
Banks angled in, his mouth hovering dangerously close to mine. Assertive words punctured our breathless state as his knuckles grazed my upper arm. “You need to tell me once and for all to back off, and I will. I’ll stop. Completely. Even though I don’t want to.”
Bursts of pain cramped my chest. Banks stared, silently urging me to say something. Anything. The plea in his expression stole the moisture from my mouth.
Banks mistook the nervous dash of my tongue over my lower lip as rejection and blatant hurt cut through his shadowed expression. “I guess that’s my answer then.”
As he turned to leave, my hand shot out and snagged his forearm. “Banks, wait.”
He glanced over his shoulder, eyes sad and knowing. “It’s fine, Simone. Let me go.”
“No. Not before...”
“Before what?”
I shook my head. “It’s not that simple.”
When I dropped his arm, he turned with caution. “Is there someone else?”
Guilt rolled in my gut. “No... Not now. There was, though.”
Banks’s teeth clenched as if he was preparing for the worst. “How recent?”
Tears threatened as my past caught up with me. “Nearing two years. He... Reagan... He passed away. It’s still hard to talk about—it was unexpected.”
Banks’s shoulders slumped like they were burdened by my admission. “Fuck,” came his quiet hiss. “I’m so sorry.”
I nodded and swallowed around the wedge of emotion in my throat.
“I’m an asshole,” he added.
My hand found his arm again, less hesitant this time. “You’re not, and you weren’t to know. I moved here for a fresh start and purposely didn’t tell anyone. I like that no one here knows. Here I don’t see sympathy in every pair of eyes I look at, and I don’t hear undertones of sorrow in people’s voices. Here I can just be Simone. Not the woman who tragically lost the man she was going to marry someday.”
Banks winced. “I’m so sorry for your loss, Simone,” he repeated.
I shook my head and gently implored, “You need to give me breathing space. I barely recognize myself, and I’m in no way ready to even think about dating again. Merely thinking about dating has me racked with guilt. I don’t know how long that’s going to take for me to be okay with that, and I’m terrified that I have these conflicting feelings. I don’t know if, or when, I’ll be able to get past this huge invisible barrier that’s got me locked—”
“Simone, breathe, babe.” Banks’s grounding touch on both my hands gently squeezed, allowing me to suck in a much-needed breath. I panted to try to gain control over my wild pulse as his soft voice spoke close to my ear.
“It’s okay. I get it now. I wish it wasn’t under these circumstances but thank you for confiding in me. My actions... They won’t be like that again. Taking you by surprise, I mean.” His expression scrunched, and he shook his head before looking at me again. “I’m so sorry.”
I bit back tears. Willed them to stay at bay as I found another slice of courage to confide.
“The list... I wrote it with my friend in high school when we had plans of conquering the world. I’ve become so lost after losing Reagan that when I stumbled across the list while cleaning out our apartment, Kasey offered to check things off with me; to help find myself again.”
Banks’s thumbs flicked rhythmically over my knuckles. “Ditch the list, Simone. Let me show you what it’s like to live in the moment without needing to check shit off a list that’s a decade old.”
Fear flooded my veins: fear of releasing control, fear of entrusting Banks, and fear of exposing myself after keeping my heart locked for so long.
“I dunno, Banks.”
“Give me a week,” he urged. “If you’re still missing your list after one week, I’ll help you work through it.”
I couldn’t ignore the obvious plea in his expression. We drew closer, lured into our own unintentional orbit.
“One week, starting now,” he whispered.
My eyes locked with his. I held my breath and pressed my lips together while weighing up the offer.
“One week,” I eventually murmured, immediately feeling his fingers flex against my hand.
They then pushed their way under my sleeve until my fresh wounds became exposed. He lifted my arm and pressed a tender kiss near the marks I’d inflicted earlier, and when his hazel depths flicked up to meet mine, his honeyed promise brought both trepidation and solace.
“You won’t regret this, new girl.”
