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—Simone—
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Not stopping until blood freely ran down my arm, I let my hand lay limp on the towel in my lap and the knife slip from my unfurling fingers.
Now that the initial shock had subsided, a strange sense of calm washed over me. The past hour seemed surreal.
Wrapping my arm with the towel, then standing on legs that refused to cooperate, I took support from the walls as I hobbled to the kitchen. The leftover vodka from when Kasey stayed was the perfect remedy to dull more of my demons.
I plucked it from the freezer, then limped back to my bedroom. The floor and I became reacquainted. It was just it, me, my blade, and the bottle that I hoped would erase today from my memory.
As I brought the cold glass to my lips and let the chilled liquor wash over my tongue, my mind stumbled across a thought that had me coughing and spluttering.
How did Reagan become an organ donor in the first place? I sure as hell hadn’t been consulted; I’d remember that. Literally nothing was mentioned at the hospital, and I didn’t sign forms like I surely should have.
The harder I thought about it, the more my chest cramped.
His parents.
They fought me for every last penny, so it wouldn’t surprise me if they backstabbed me with this too.
I took another few swigs of vodka for courage. While I didn’t know their number, I couldn’t forget their names: Edward and Patricia Lamont. In-laws from hell.
I’d never been “good enough” for their only son, and they’d completely disassociated from me the moment Reagan lay unresponsive in his hospital bed.
I’d spent time with my parents after Reagan’s funeral, but ultimately had to return to Denver, not only to testify against his murderer, but to fight the ongoing court case against his parents.
With my restraining order against them temporarily forgotten, I typed their names into the online search bar and found the listing I knew was theirs. Fear had my hands growing clammy and my throat squeezing tight.
I took a long swig from the bottle, then prepared for the worst as I pressed my thumb on their phone number. My breath stopped as it began to ring.
Pain spurred through my chest with every racing beat of my heart. As the phone rang, I questioned what the fuck I was doing and willed them not to pick up. I lowered the phone to disconnect just as Reagan’s dad answered.
“Hello?”
I froze. No words, let alone thoughts, would form, and I puffed into the phone as I fought for oxygen.
“Hello? Who is this?” came Edward’s annoyed tone. “We can trace your number and forward it to the police for prank calling,” he barked.
I swallowed the wedge in my throat and forced myself to speak. “How could you?” I whispered.
His tone sharpened. “Excuse me?”
Little flickers of strength gathered. “How could you donate his organs and not tell me?”
A sharp inhale sucked in through the phone. “Simone?”
“You sound surprised.”
“What— When— How—”
“I found out today. I was there when your letter arrived.” I didn’t mention Banks, I didn’t want to implicate him in this. My voice shook as I whispered, “How many others?”
“Si—”
“Don’t bullshit me, Edward. After everything you and Patricia put me through, at least have the decency of being honest this one fucking time!”
I heard him swallow thickly. “Three. There were three recipients.”
“Of what?” I hissed.
Another audible gulp came, then Edward cleared his throat. “Kidney. Liver... and heart.”
Tears swamped my eyes. Selfishly, hearing so much had been removed from Reagan’s body caused sorrow to vibrate through my entire soul. I inhaled a shaky breath, willing the sob to stay down and licked my lip nervously.
“Who?” I whispered.
“Who received them?” he asked, voice now filled with his own grief. “A man, a woman, and a teenage boy. He saved lives, Simone. After everything, surely you can see that some good came from losing him.”
“Of course that’s good, but my point is that you should have told me,” I cried. “I had a right to know!”
“Legally, you didn’t,” he deadpanned with the ice in his tone I’d heard so many times before.
“Fuck the legalities! And you know what? Reagan would be ashamed of the way you and Patricia have treated me over the last two years. Ashamed! He was so giving and genuine and nice, none of which can be said for his parents. Go to hell. I hope you both rot there!”
With that, I disconnected before he had the chance to reply. Two years of anguish and pain clamped my chest tight. I’d wasted so much energy with Edward and Patricia. I thought I’d put it all behind me the day I left Denver but found myself thrown back into the depressive downward spiral of guilt and torment.
Once again, they’d shifted the goal post, leaving me reeling and fighting the overwhelming feeling of disconnect.
I drew my knees to my chest and cradled them tight, rocking back and forth to self-soothe as best I could. My arm stung, but I hugged tighter. My head pounded, but I drank more. My throat burned, but my stricken sobs refused to ease.
I cried so hard I dry retched, then rushed to the toilet. The purge strained my stomach and burned the lining of my esophagus. I coughed and spat to rid the acid from my mouth, then sat back on my heels, breathless and panting. It left me lightheaded and spent, and I sobbed through the agony.
After rinsing my mouth under the bathroom tap and toweling it dry, I hobbled back to my room. All the alcohol I’d consumed seemed pointless now; it merely compounded my headache. I dug through my bedside drawer until I found painkillers, then swallowed them down with the liquor, not caring about Banks’s warning to avoid a certain type with my prescribed medication.
Next, I texted Kasey.
Simone: Reagan was Banks’s heart donor.
Five words, yet one reason for my world to crumble.
Her reply was instant.
Kasey: Bullshit!
Kasey: No fucking way.
Kasey: Just nope.
Kasey: Are you sure?
Tears burned as I typed.
Simone: I’m sure. I was at Banks’s when a letter from his parents arrived.
Kasey: Aww hon!
Kasey: Do you want to talk about it? I can call?
While grateful she asked first, I declined.
Simone: Thanks, but I can’t right now. It’s still...
Kasey: I know.
Kasey: Fuck, why can’t the world give you a goddamn break!
Kasey: When I get to heaven (because #facts), Cloud Man and I are gonna have words about this.
I snorted despite not possessing an ounce of humor. Kase had my back, always.
Kasey: Wait!
Kasey: Since when was Reagan a donor?
Kasey: Like, why didn’t we know about this before now?
Kasey: We should have known, right?
She couldn’t be faulted for her persistence or loyalty. Throughout the entire ordeal, Kasey had been my rock. Where I was, she was, and vice versa. When there was no longer a me and Reagan, Kasey had become my “we”.
Another wash of tears tumbled down my face.
Simone: I only just found out. I had no idea. Like none. Patricia and Edward did it behind my back.
Kasey: *gasp!*
Kasey: That’s it. From heaven, I’m buying a two-way ticket to hell just to tell them to rot there.
Kasey: Then I’m going to return to heaven and give you a high-five.
Kasey: Then we’ll swirl our ghost margaritas and toast to their skin melting off their shitty carcasses for all eternity.
Simone: I like the sound of that.
Simone: ... I called his parents.
Kasey: *gasp x2* When??
Simone: Like, ten minutes ago?
Kasey: OMG woman!
Kasey: AND!
My heart re-sank.
Simone: Edward confirmed it, though didn’t give a fuck about not telling me. Tried to guilt me into being selfish about being angry.
Kasey: Uh, why?
Another stream of tears trickled from my lower eyelids.
Simone: Because Reagan’s organs saved Banks and two other people.
Kasey: Oh.
Kasey: That’s not something he should be guilting you about.
Kasey: Even if it is the only good thing to come out of losing him.
Kasey: Aside from finally getting rid of the #inlawsfromhell
I tilted my head back against the mattress with a deep sigh. Hence the crossroads I found myself at. I couldn’t separate Reagan’s death and the news of the organ donations, let alone falling for one of the recipients. I didn’t want to think of Reagan each time I looked at Banks. I didn’t want to be reminded of what I’d lost each time I lay on Banks’s chest and heard the strong, steady rhythm of Reagan’s heart.
The pause was long enough to cause Kase concern. She knew from experience that lulls in the conversation usually weren’t a good sign.
Kasey: Put down the knife, Sim!
Simone: It’s on the ground beside me. And it’s also too late.
Kasey: That’s it. I’m coming up!
Simone: No, Kase. I just need a few days to figure this out...
Kasey: Babe, give me the word and I will BE THERE.
Kasey: Tell me what’s going on in that mind of yours.
Tears and bloody arm having dried for the moment, I nipped at my lower lip as I contemplated my reply. If only I could explain what was going on without needing to use words. Those feelings were the hardest to describe and often inexpressible.
Simone: I’m just lost all over again.
Simone: So much for a fresh start, right? I added bitterly.
Kasey: Just answer me this one thing:
Kasey: Do you love Banks?
My heart dropped. When all the turmoil and unrest was stripped away, and I focused on the present beat in time, I did love him. More than I expected to.
Simone: It pains me to say this, but I do. A lot.
Kasey: Well, there’s your answer, babe.
Kasey: Do what you need to do and go where you need to go, but never lose sight of that.
Kasey: What I mean is, don’t give up on Banks just because of the way you met.
Kasey: It’s obvious fate intended you two to be together.
Fresh tears burned the irritated corners of my eyes.
Simone: I wish fate was simpler.
Kasey: The best fates never are.
Kasey: Wanna come home for a few days?
Kasey: You know, get out of town, clear your head, and all that shit.
I released another deep sigh.
Simone: I’m so sick of running, Kase. I’m tired. I’m hurting. I just feel done.
Kasey: Like, the muffins are ready in the oven, done?
Kasey: Or like, you can have my cat when I’m gone, done?
Right now, sitting on the bedroom floor surrounded by coping mechanisms that masked the pain for a little while but never fully healed me, the latter option hit closest to home.
My fingers trembled.
Simone: I don’t want to let you down.
Kase replied immediately with never-ending wit.
Kasey: You haven’t let me down.
Kasey: Grow my babies for me, then refuse to hand them over at birth, then yeah...
Kasey: That’ll let me down.
Kasey: But asking for help is NEVER letting me down.
Kasey: I EXPECT you to.
Kasey: Or it won’t just be you doing the slicing *points to self*
I snorted and palmed my eyes dry. Kase had relentlessly nurtured me through my cutting episodes by not trying to force me to stop, but by talking me down from the edge.
Bringing me back from the brink time and time again without holding it against me was why I loved and trusted her so much. We’d become friends not long after I moved to Denver after we met through a mutual friend, and not once had Kasey threatened to walk away in my greatest times of need.
Kasey: And I won’t be using a baby blade either.
Kasey: Don’t try me bitch; I have contacts!
I smiled and shook my head.
Simone: Thanks Kase. You got the reaction you wanted.
Kasey: You smiling now?
Simone: More like a grimace, but close enough, right?
Kasey: I’ll take that over a baseball to the tit any day.
Kasey: That shit hurts like a mfker!
A laugh finally slid free. We used to frequent baseball games, and the one time we decided to upgrade from the nosebleeds, Kasey got nailed by a pitch that shied off the bat and smashed directly into her tit. After ensuring me that she was okay and drinking back another beer, I’d never laughed so hard at someone getting hurt in my life.
Kasey: I know you’re laughing about this!
Kasey: I should be angry, but I’m not.
Kasey: You’re welcome, btw.
Humor surged from the depths of my stomach. Alarmingly, it converted my despair into mania that took me in its grasp and shook hard. I laughed until fresh tears overflowed, and my belly cramped. I focused on that memory, using it for all it was worth to ease the pain in my heart, even though laughing hysterically at a time like this felt so incredibly wrong.
When I’d calmed down enough to see through my watery vision, I texted Kase again.
Simone: Thank you for making me laugh.
Kasey: Anytime babe, just never again from tit-pain.
Simone: LOL. Love you.
Kasey: Love you right back!
Kasey: Let me know what you decide to do. xx
Simone: I will. xx
