AKA
The Crab
BIRTHDAY
June 21–July 22
SIGNS
Water | Cardinal | Feminine
RULED BY
The Moon
ON A GOOD DAY
Brave, Nurturing, Passionate
ON A BAD DAY
Stubborn, Selfish, Passive-Aggressive
FAMOUSLY CANCER
Ariana Grande, Princess Diana, Meryl Streep
If you’re lucky enough to have a Cancerian in your life, you know what it’s like to be loved, understood, and protected. The kind and sensitive people born under this sign feel everything deeply and lean into comfort and security (for both themselves and those they care about, which is nearly everyone). But don’t let that fool you—this cardinal sign knows how to take control. And they can be downright vindictive when fucked with. Get to know this sign better and you’ll see only the best in them!
THAT 9-TO-5 GRIND WITH CANCER
WORKING UNDER CANCER
Like Aries, Cancerians are natural-born leaders. Unlike Aries, they try not to be a dick about it. Cancerians know that they can be a little particular, maybe even a bit demanding at times. But they also know that they have to keep their team happy if they want to be successful. Their hard-ass tendencies come from a fundamental need for shit to run smoothly—this sign cannot handle chaos. Or dustups. Or, well, speed bumps. So although they’re happy to have a discussion about how things are run, they don’t have any patience for people challenging their authority.
How to bring them your brilliant ideas
Cancerians make supportive, fair-minded bosses, and they really do want to hear their team’s awesome ideas. But because they constantly operate on empathy overload, the emotional part of their brain usually kicks in before the logical part. Translation: they get triggered easily. So, try to catch them in a good mood and watch for any signs that you’re starting to piss them off (at which point, you switch fucking tack immediately). If your appeal is mindful of their needs and thoroughly outlines all of the important points, you shouldn’t have a problem.
How to show them your A game
No need to jump through fiery hoops for your Cancerian boss. These folks are on top of their shit—they see you. And they’ve got a running tally in their head of all the times you’ve come through (and all the times you’ve complained about the thermostat). If you really want to impress a Cancer, be someone they can count on. That means doing the work, but also learning how to read your boss. This sign’s superpower is anticipating people’s needs, and all they really want is for someone to do the same for them.
How to keep it real
Cancer is known for being home to some moody bitches (blame the Moon), so you may find yourself having to manage up now and then. Try to catch your boss at their most relaxed (which might mean buying their assistant a drink every so often so they’ll give you a heads-up about what you’re walking into). Then show up with solutions, not problems. And if you have to light a fire under their reluctant ass, show them you have both a consensus and a deadline. Also, bring doughnuts. Sometimes it’s not the Moon. Sometimes they’re just fucking hangry.
HOW CANCER HANDLES A NEW BOSS
What they think: Hmm… How can I make you feel important enough to do what I want you to do to and run this company the way I think it needs to be run? Hope you’re as easy to handle as my last manager.
What they say: Coffee, boss?
CANCER IN THE TRENCHES WITH YOU
Not only do Cancerians generally kick ass in the work realm, but they’re also warm, loyal team members. This sign’s spirit of “We’re in this together” will help motivate everyone involved to do their best work. But don’t think you can take advantage of their efforts or goodwill. Offend a Cancerian and they will ice your ass out. (Let’s just see you try to get anything done without them.) One more tip: go easy on the interruptions. These folks are focused as hell and will jump out of their fucking skin if they don’t see you coming.
How to get great shit done together
Getting shit done with a Cancer isn’t hard—this sign does not quit. And they have a knack for knowing everyone’s strengths and assigning tasks accordingly. In fact, Cancerians are so good at reading people that they don’t understand that it’s not a common skill. If it’s not one of yours, make sure you ask your Cancerian coworker what they think, and often. They won’t offer up that info because they assume you already know, but their ideas can be the difference between good and garbage.
How to become work besties
Cancerians are experts at keeping their work and personal shit separate, so if you want them to blur the line, you have to earn it. That means being someone who takes work seriously—they have zero patience for people who make their jobs harder. You’ll also need to learn how not to step on their emotional toes. (Get on their bad side and you’re likely to stay there, though they’d never let that interfere with their work.) But if you really need a shoulder to cry on, a Cancerian will always be there for you.
How to send out an SOS
Because Cancerians feel personally responsible for every fucking thing, they’re not super quick to give advice. They also tend to suffer from imposter syndrome, which makes this very capable sign think that their advice is crap. But it’s not, and they want to help. They’re dying to help. They might just take a little convincing. And maybe a promise that you won’t hate them if shit goes south anyway. But they’re happy do whatever they can for you. The best approach? Give them a little time and advance notice to think things through thoroughly.
THE CANCER EMPLOYEE
There’s a reason you see so many Cancerians climb the corporate ladder (two, in fact): they’re really fucking good at their jobs and they’re loyal as hell to their companies. People born under this sign are quick to take the lead and tackle extra responsibilities. They’re also born for desk work—give them all the spreadsheets and leave them the hell alone. And if you can drag their keen observations out of them, your company will be all the better for it. Want to keep them happy? Foster a work culture of stability, community, and consistency.
How to get them motivated
Cancerians are the workhorses of the zodiac, so you can bet they’re pretty damn self-motivated. But if you want them to do their best work, tell them why it’s important. Understanding and believing in their contribution appeals to their empathetic personality and gives them a foundation that they can fall back on if their motivation begins to slip. You’ll also need to address any concerns that they have. And if they tell you they’re not cut out for a certain job, believe them. They’re not blowing smoke up your ass—they’re being honest.
How to light a fire under their ass
Getting a Cancerian to move quickly is like trying to make paint dry faster. What they really need are optimal conditions, and even then, the increase is marginal. This sign is not big on change or sudden movements. They need prep time. And if you push them too hard, they could end up fighting you every step of the way. So do not poke the passive-aggressive bear. Instead, let the bear pick its own fucking tasks. Cancerians are the best judges of their capabilities anyway, and they won’t want to let you down.
How to have the hard convos
If you know you have a tough conversation with a Cancerian ahead of you, just get the hell on with it. This is a sign full of empaths. The longer you wait to deliver the blow—even if you’re trying to soften it—the more they can feel it coming and tie themselves in fucking knots about it. So put these soft-hearted folks out of their misery. And do it with kindness—Cancerians will blame themselves for any poor outcome, even if they had no control over it. The less personal the critique, the better.
LOVE, SEX, AND FOR-EV-ER WITH CANCER
THE CANCER MEET-CUTE
Cancerians tend to be introverts and homebodies, but they know how to break out the charm when they need to. This super-observant sign probably saw you coming and decided whether they liked you by the time you said “Hello.” If they caught you showing off, your chances of a date just went down in flames. But if you can prove that you, too, are an empathetic observer, you might have a shot. (Hippie-ass Aquarians need not apply.) Just know that, while Cancerians can fuck around, they’re more likely to want a relationship.
How to woo the shit out of them
When you meet up with a Cancerian, start taking mental notes immediately. (Convert these to text later. You’ll want to refer back to them.) This sign is most impressed by someone who knows them inside and out—their likes, dislikes, childhood memories, upcoming doctor’s appointments.… People who can remember all the personal details are their kind of people. And since most of us can’t, we have to write that shit down and set reminders. Other than that, just keep things low-key and give your Cancerian time to figure out who you are and how they feel about it.
How to dazzle on your date
Cancerian opinions are like cement—they set quickly and for life. People born under this stoic sign know what they fucking like, and what they don’t. Make life easy on yourself and let them choose the setting for your date. You might end up in the corner booth at a quiet restaurant or heading for a walk on the beach. Any which way, you just want to show them you trust their judgment implicitly. Whatever you do, don’t try to convince them to try something they’ve said they don’t like. They will drop your ass so hard your fucking tailbone will break.
How to cut through the bullshit
The only bullshit you’ll catch from a Cancerian is a by-product of self-doubt—they make up for a lack of confidence with an extra helping of humility. This sign prizes honesty as much as they do empathy. They also know themselves well enough to express how they really feel. But thanks to that natural intuition, they’ll know when you’re trying to hide shit. So just don’t. Cancerians catch feelings fast, and they run deep. The only way to avoid hurting them is to be up front about what you want.
WHAT CANCERIANS CONSIDER CASUAL FIRST-DATE CONVERSATION
Where are you from?
What was the name of your first childhood pet?
What’s your favorite line of your favorite episode of your favorite TV show?
Where were you when you first realized what you wanted to do with your life?
How do you see us spending the next 20 years together?
BETWEEN THE SHEETS WITH CANCER
Although Cancerians love to lead in the boardroom, they’d really rather not in the bedroom. Don’t take their reluctance to initiate as an indication of performance—this sign can bring the fucking heat. They’d just rather let go and enjoy, which is something they can’t do anywhere else in life. Keep in mind that Cancerians only give as good as they get, so your shit had better be on point, too. If they do end up unsatisfied after being overly generous, they’ll resent the hell out of you.
How to whet their appetite
Time to break out those old-school seduction techniques! Cancerians can be oddly old-fashioned when it comes to sex—they prefer to keep things private, and the sex will always be hotter if they’re in a loving relationship. When it comes to foreplay, it’s all about romance. Take the time to set a proper mood with candles, caressing, and plenty of kissing before you move on to other things. (The fact that their astrological symbol looks like the number 69 is no coincidence. Just sayin’.) Also, Cancerians tend to be visual people, so send nudes.
How to blow their fucking minds
Cancerians don’t fuck, they make love. And if you shuddered just reading that phrase, then this sign might not be for you. But get past the semantics and you may find yourself really enjoying Cancer’s intensely passionate and sensual take on sex. Intimacy is a must, so let your Cancerian know how much you appreciate them. Slip into the shower with this water-loving sign and let things get steamy. And make sure you spend some time on Cancer’s fave body part—the breasts. Men want them, women want attention lavished on them.
How to get what you need
Cancerians have a tendency to keep score, and that shit doesn’t stop at the bedroom door. If you want something a little special in bed, your motto should be “Do unto others.” A Cancerian will match your enthusiasm and generosity move for fucking move. Getting them to experiment might be a different story. This sign generally likes to stick with the classics, preferring comfort over adventure, but they can be persuaded to try new things if you put them at ease. The more loving and honest the relationship, the more creative the sex.
WITH CANCER FOR THE LONG HAUL
Deeply caring, kind, protective, and solid—this sign was built for relationships. But Cancerians expect a real partnership, someone who will be there for them through thick and thin. If they’re not getting what they need, there’s no fucking chance of you getting what you want. A Cancerian on the defensive will either lash out or withdraw completely. Avoid that by sharing the joys and the burdens equally with them and getting to know all of their (many) pet peeves. Also, learn to let go of the little shit, because God knows they won’t.
How to have a great fucking partnership
Not gonna lie…you’ll want to tell this sign to “pick a fucking mood and stick with it” more than a few times in your relationship. Your arguments aren’t big blowups, they’re never-ending tiffs—with Cancer bringing up the same shit time and time again. So, unless you want to be in an endless tug-of-war, you’re going to have to suck it up sometimes. Just remind yourself that you’ll never find anyone as thoughtful and considerate as a Cancerian. And definitely learn how to tell when their switch is about to flip.
How to deal with the day-to-day shit
Living with a Cancerian? Kiss any illusions you have about being in control of your household goodbye. The home is Cancer’s domain, and they know just how they like it. Don’t think for a second that means they’ll be doing all the chores, though. As in all things, Cancerians expect to share responsibility equally. But they know both of you inside and out, so you’ll be pleasantly surprised to find that your assigned tasks are things you don’t really mind doing. And since the kitchen is also part of their domain, Cancerians tend to be damn good cooks.
How to ensure you’ll be a cute-AF old couple
Cancerians are exactly the kind of people you want by your side through all the twists and turns of life. Those born under this sturdy, supportive sign will always be there to keep you grounded when you get overwhelmed. But there will be plenty of times you need to return the favor. Offer them comfort, security, and balance when they start to sweat the small stuff. And understand that, although they may retreat into themselves, they’ll always come back out if you’re patient. (Inside jokes can help pull them out—Cancerians love those.)
IN THE CIRCLE OF TRUST WITH CANCER
CANCER IN YOUR SQUAD
Cancerians are those super-caring friends you can always count on. They’re the ones who volunteer to be party mom, and the ones who still send actual cards on your birthday, and the ones go out of their way to make lunch happen despite being busy AF. They spend so much time worrying about other people that they can get hurt when friends don’t return that effort. And they’ll hold on to that shit without you even knowing it happened. So take a page from their (obviously detailed) book and practice a little empathy with your Cancerian friends.
How to have a fucking blast together
Sure, Cancerians can be a little picky when it comes to how they spend their downtime. But the main thing for them is just getting to spend time with one of their favorite people. Keep things cozy and low-key, like a cheese-and-wine night in or a pizza and beer lunch. (There should never not be food involved. That’s, like, the first principle of Cancerian comfort.) Having learned from past mistakes, they’ll only put forth as much effort as you do. So if they made the plans last time, it’s your turn to step up.
How to get the tea
For a sign that’s fucking steeped in feelings, it can be surprising difficult to get Cancerians to open up. But once they do, expect your cup to overflow. You can help get the ball rolling by talking to them in their own space, where they’re most comfortable. Then spill some tea yourself, which makes them feel like they’re one of the trusted few (even if you regularly announce that shit on your podcast). The most important thing is to let them know that you get where they’re coming from. Feeling understood is everything for a Cancerian.
How to make things right
People born under this sign mate for life when it comes to friends, so they won’t let a little squabble ruin your relationship. But they will hold on to it and tap into those hurt feelings whenever their mood swings low. Watch out for signs that you’ve crossed a line and try to walk things back immediately. If you hit a nerve, you’ll get more than a little passive aggression. Just think of Cancer’s crabby astrological counterpart—hard shell, soft insides, sharp fucking claws. Just make sure they know you would never intentionally upset them.
GOING ON GROUP VACAY WITH CANCER
Cancer [handing out binders]: Here are your tickets, hotel info, itinerary, and everyone’s contact info. Don’t lose this.
You: Do you think we can stop off at—
Cancer: No.
You: Ugh…I have a middle seat. Anyone want to trade?
Cancer [taking your binder]: I’ll Venmo your refund.
CANCER IN THE FAMILY
A Cancerian’s affection for their home starts with a strong instinct to love, nurture, and protect their family. In an ideal situation, family provides the structure and stability that Cancerians crave. But since families are always crazy, it provides Cancerians the opportunity to impose some structure and stability by mothering everyone related to them (and many who aren’t). This fiercely loyal sign wants what’s best for their family members and will always be there to support them. Any coolness or distance is just a symptom of empathy overload.
How to have an awesome relationship with a Cancer parent
The nurturing force is strong with this one. Like, helicopter strong. These mother hens are affectionate, loving, and super protective. Thanks to their natural intuition, they know when something’s not right with their kids, and they’ll do anything to fix it. But in parenting as in all things, Cancerians need to learn to let the hell go. Forgive them for being a persnickety pain in the ass—they can’t help it. And know that if they ever pull away, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. They just get lost in their own shit sometimes.
How to raise a kick-ass Cancer kid
Most kids have trouble expressing how they’re feeling, but Cancerians are a special case. They’re not just dealing with their own shit; they’re also feeling the feelings of everyone around them. So they’re going to need some help sorting things out. Make sure you give them the comfort and security they need, but encourage independent activities, too. Cancerian kids can get a bit clingy if you don’t kick their asses out of the nest. Luckily, these little empaths have great imaginations and no problem channeling their energy into something productive.
How to go from siblings to BFFs
Growing up with siblings can be tricky for super-sensitive Cancerians. They’re not the rough-and-tumble type, so they’re likely to hold a grudge if they spent their childhood getting beat up by older brothers. And they’re too earnest to deal with being mean-girled by sisters. These sweet souls do best with siblings who become friends. Once they do, Cancerians can let go of old grudges and focus on lavishing their loved ones with care and affection. (And if you’re one of several siblings, get on their good side early. They totally play favorites.)
THE LAST WORD
Navigating Cancer’s ever-shifting moods isn’t always easy. But with this insider info, you’re a hell of a lot more likely to see the sweet, pillowy soft insides of this hard-shelled sign. Basically, just have your shit together. And if you could also smack down chaos and drama like you’re spiking a volleyball, the Cancerians in your life would really fucking appreciate it.
