AKA
The Maiden
BIRTHDAY
August 23–September 22
SIGNS
Earth | Mutable | Feminine
RULED BY
Mercury
ON A GOOD DAY
Organized, Rational, Resourceful
ON A BAD DAY
Perfectionist, Obsessive, Anxious
FAMOUSLY VIRGO
Freddy Mercury, Beyoncé, Adam Sandler
Virgos have a reputation for being crazy-critical perfectionists, but this sign is so much more than their more nitpicky tics. Sure, they’re detail people. And they know how to achieve a damn goal—this sign can get it. But everything they do is to improve the lives of others. If their inner critic is bugging you, take solace in knowing that it’s bugging them, too. They’re twice as hard on themselves as they are on anyone else. So they need people like you to remind them that progress is perfection and that even their flaws are beautiful.
THAT 9-TO-5 GRIND WITH VIRGO
WORKING UNDER VIRGO
Cards on the table: working under Virgo can be rough. This sign has some sky-high standards, unrealistic expectations, and intense methods. But if you can handle the heat, they’ll help forge you into a better version of yourself. Virgo bosses are constantly pushing their employees. As realists, they know when something’s unachievable. They just think you should strive anyway. People born under this sign can’t stomach mediocrity, and they’re definitely not here for any lazy, entitled bullshit. When you work for Virgo, you achieve greatness or die trying. (Or quit and find a Libra to work for.)
How to bring them your brilliant ideas
Remember when you had to present research papers in science class? Channel that energy into whatever you bring to your Virgo boss. They need that shit in writing, with all the facts laid out in detail and a summary at the top. Don’t bother editorializing when you present it, either. Let the information stand on its own and Virgo will draw their own conclusions. Just be prepared to slash the budget; this sign is all about doing more with less. And make sure you know your shit—there will be a quiz.
How to show them your A game
Virgo bosses care about one thing—results—and they know who’s getting them. This boss sees all, so make sure they’re seeing your dedication, decisiveness, and economy. If they catch you sending cat videos to your work bestie over Slack, you’re fucked. (Just kidding—they would never use a fun, camaraderie-enabling service like Slack.) Time is money, and they don’t want to see you wasting either one. The best way to stay on a Virgo boss’s good side is to keep your head down and do the work. Also, they love a little value added.
How to keep it real
Managing a Virgo manager takes some doing. From the unrealistic demands to the unnecessary finger pointing, Virgo bosses are basically every cartoon boss ever. (Except Mr. Burns, who is definitely a Capricorn.) If you fucked up, own it and immediately tell them how you plan to fix it. There’s no other way out. If you didn’t fuck up, bring the facts and leave your indignation at the door. Virgo responds to logic, not emotion. And when you need your boss to agree to something, tell them why it’s a win for the company—an economical one.
INTERVIEWING A VIRGO
You [flipping through 30 pages of résumé]: Do you have any experience with spreadsheets?
Virgo: Yes. See page 6, section B, subsection iii.
VIRGO IN THE TRENCHES WITH YOU
Mercifully, Virgo coworkers have way more chill than their managerial brethren. They respect the hell out of their team, and they actually enjoy making friends at work. Plus, their perfectionism means they’re physically incapable of shirking responsibilities or letting you down. These quiet cubicle dwellers are happiest to let others stand in the spotlight while they go about their business, kicking ass and taking names. Politely. (You’ll never find super-considerate Virgo microwaving salmon in the breakroom.) Don’t be tempted to take advantage of their goodwill, though, or you’ll get their wrath instead.
How to get great shit done together
Virgo’s generosity and badass abilities in organization and research make teaming up with this sign a no-brainer. But because they’re used to working independently, they may need a minute to adjust. Giving your Virgo coworker control of the project can help them feel comfortable more quickly. You could also let them handle the spreadsheets and data points while you work on the creative side of things. Just make sure you do your part. Virgos will bend over backward to help someone, but they’re not going to put up with any freeloading bullshit.
How to become work besties
Combine Virgo’s reputation for being a workaholic perfectionist with their tendency to keep a low profile, and you might not realize just how great these folks are. The kind, caring folks born under this sign genuinely like people. They want to grab drinks at lunch and bitch about the marketing department by the water cooler. You just have to give them the chance. Letting them vent to you about work is one of the best ways to get to know them. Just be prepared to explain your jokes—this sign doesn’t really get sarcasm.
How to send out an SOS
Need help with your schedule? Organizing your office? Project research? Call a Virgo. But definitely don’t ask them to weigh in on your love life. Virgos relate to people like people relate to their pets—they love them, but they don’t always understand why they do what they do. But Virgo totally understands why that value is showing up on your spreadsheet, and they’re thrilled to help you understand it, too. You might just have to ask them to slow down when explaining shit—their brain sometimes works faster than their mouth.
THE VIRGO EMPLOYEE
Virgo’s perfectionist tendencies might be nightmarish in a boss, but they’re a fucking godsend in an employee. This super-reliable sign gets shit done and done well, especially if it has anything to do with problem solving, research, and organization. Virgos are also awesome at fixing broken systems and developing even better ones. And they’re just as happy to work with others as they are to go it alone. Give them some proper instructions (numbered lists and bullet points preferred) and watch ’em go!
How to get them motivated
As great as Virgos are at detail work, they don’t want to sit there and address fucking envelopes for hours. (They also don’t want to work with the boss’s son-in-law who doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing and doesn’t care. This sign has no patience for idiots or assholes.) These smarties want to put their gifts to good use. Give them a real challenge and watch their brain rev up to meet it. Whether it’s a puzzle to solve or a multi-tiered project to organize, they’ll just be thrilled to put their thinking cap on.
How to light a fire under their ass
Virgo’s meticulous methods can sometimes get in the way of them getting shit done quickly. But because they love a challenge, just giving them a deadline should be incentive to speed things up. If they’re dragging their feet for other reasons, you can try dangling a carrot: praise or promotion—your choice. But remember that these are positive-reinforcement people. If you’re angry, you better do some fucking breathing exercises before you talk to them. Come at them hard and they’ll just power down (or melt down).
How to have the hard convos
Like most of us (except Leo), Virgos can suffer from imposter syndrome, and that can send them to a dark place when they get called out. So go easy when you have to sit them down. Remember that those in this sensitive sign are incredibly hard on themselves. The last thing you want to see is a Virgo spinning out—they hold a lot of shit in, and things will get ugly if it all comes pouring out at once. A little constructive criticism will go a long way toward getting you what you want without breaking your best employee.
LOVE, SEX, AND FOR-EV-ER WITH VIRGO
THE VIRGO MEET-CUTE
Virgos have a harder time than most putting themselves out there, which means relinquishing a little more control than they’d like. (Shocker.) Because they tend to trust algorithms more than people, you’re more likely to meet up with Virgo by swiping right. They can be a little cool at first, but their silence isn’t judgment. (Well, it isn’t always judgment.) Virgos can just get lost in the recesses of their own minds. This sign believes in quality over quantity, so once they find a connection with someone, they’re likely to stick around.
How to woo the shit out of them
When you first start talking to Virgo, keep things very chill. Maybe get to know each other over text for a while before meeting up. (They’re going to want to rewrite each text like twelve times, and they can’t do that in person.) When you do meet, go somewhere quiet and relaxed, like a coffee shop. This sign wants to know that you can hold your own in a conversation. They like a little wit (as long as they can understand it) and a little sparkle, but they love insightful commentary. And they’re wary of flash—Virgos need to know if they like the real you.
How to dazzle on your date
Once you’ve passed Virgo’s initial testing phase, you can finally go on a real-life date! Make sure you pick a place they like rather than showing off a favorite of yours. Virgo’s disappointment is not subtle, and there’s no point in letting them ruin the shit you love. Somewhere in all of that preamble, they probably mentioned a few safe options. If not, definitely ask. Impressing Virgo is just a matter of having your shit together and putting a little thought into things. This sign loves a planner (because they cannot roll with the punches).
How to cut through the bullshit
First and foremost, take any complaining with a margarita-rim of salt. Virgos are born perfectionists, and they can be a little much when things aren’t just so. It really is them, not you, and they know it. You can try to read their mood, but at some point, you just gotta go for it. Order the dessert-for-two, lean in for the kiss, ask for the second date—whatever. Just do what you can to get past Virgo’s prickly exterior so you can get to know the kindhearted person inside.
GETTING TO KNOW VIRGO
What Virgo says: Tell me about yourself.
What Virgo means: Tell me about your childhood, your biggest fears, your relationship with your mom, your favorite flavor of ice cream, and who you voted for in the last election.
BETWEEN THE SHEETS WITH VIRGO
Although this sign is represented by the Maiden, Virgos are anything but virginal. They view sex as a basic need, like food and water. That doesn’t mean their sex life is basic, though. Just like a delicious meal, they like their sex life spicy. This is the one area where Virgos can completely let loose and release all of their (many) frustrations. It’s like having an alter ego that only select people get to see. But don’t expect to see Superman while Clark Kent’s working—there’s a time and a place for that shit.
How to whet their appetite
With Virgo, you need to do more than warm them up. You need to melt away their insecurities. Make sure the time and place are right for some relaxation, then let this sign know how sexy they are. Bonus points if your appreciation ventures beyond Virgo’s appearance. But don’t worry too much about being super smooth and seductive—this sign likes a little inexperience. Plus, turning you on turns them on. And they’re really fucking good at it because, as talented researchers, they’ve taken the time to study your likes and dislikes
How to blow their fucking minds
This is the one area of their life where Virgos feel comfortable enough to explore and experiment, so you better make it worth their fucking while. Be open to whatever they want to try or let them teach you something new. Make them feel wanted. Show Virgo that you’re willing to put in some effort to learn what they like and give them what they want. And don’t be afraid of a little role-play. This dominant sign is finally ready to surrender control—they want you to take it.
How to get what you need
You don’t have to say or do a damn thing to get what you want when you’re sleeping with a Virgo. This sign is constantly clocking you. They study your reactions and adjust accordingly, always trying to improve their performance. These perfectionists need to please you in order to enjoy themselves. So let them. But if you want to help them out by giving them a hint here and there, they won’t mind. This is the one area of their life where they’re happy to take orders.
WITH VIRGO FOR THE LONG HAUL
Virgos are built to create stable, loving relationships. Sure, their perfectionism can be a pain in the ass, but it can also be a real asset. They’re on top of anything that requires planning. And because they do their fucking research, you know that anything they plan will go smoothly. They also apply that inexhaustible work ethic to making their partnership work and making their loved ones happy. Virgo will always support you and help you grow into the person you want to be. In return, they just need a little patience for their more persnickety moments.
How to have a great fucking partnership
This sign is used to barreling forward at full speed, so they need a partner who can help them find balance before they have a breakdown. Getting them to laugh is a start. Lightening their load should be the ultimate goal. Virgo doesn’t make it easy for others to share the burden, but they can get used to the idea if you ease them into it. You, however, will have to get used to being wrong. (In Virgo’s mind, if you’re not doing it the way they would do it, you’re doing it wrong.) But they’ll eventually learn that done is better than perfect.
How to deal with the day-to-day shit
You should know by now to leave the planning to your Virgo partner. Going along with what they want will make your life easier, and they’re just better at it anyway. Are you going to spend a fucking hour researching the best price for your flight? Probably not. So let them—they live for it. As for the rest of it, they like to divvy things up evenly. Do your part and they’ll do theirs. But do it their way or you’ll fucking hear about it, which is like being slowly pecked to death by a small bird.
How to ensure you’ll be a cute-AF old couple
Virgo needs someone chill to balance out all of that anxious energy, but they also need someone who’s mentally stimulating. And the chemistry has to be fire. They’re not about to spend eternity having vanilla sex. (Sorry, Taurus.) Ironically, you’ll need to help them expand their comfort zone in every other respect. The most important thing to this sign is your happiness, so if you need something, speak up. Virgo is a mutable sign, which means they can change their ways, especially if it’s necessary to make a relationship work.
IN THE CIRCLE OF TRUST WITH VIRGO
VIRGO IN YOUR SQUAD
These steadfast besties are always there when you need them and they are happy to be needed. But because Virgo is used to having a handle on their own shit, they hate to ask for help themselves. (You know they’re fucking desperate if they’re asking someone else what to do.) Hit Virgo up when you need a logical perspective or someone to plan your engagement party. And just nod and smile if they ever delve into matters of the heart. This super-rational sign tends to miss social cues and can give out some really crappy advice.
How to have a fucking blast together
Virgos don’t need to be in constant contact, but they do love to catch up with friends. Keep things one-on-one for these busy introverts. (Unless you’re on the hunt. Virgo makes one hell of a wingman/woman.) Letting this sign plan the when/where/what of it all will save you the headache of being micromanaged over a fucking brunch date. In fact, let them plan your major life celebrations, too. You’ll get to enjoy time together while Virgo does what they do best. (Just don’t expect them to attend—not enough champagne in the world for that much social interaction.)
How to get the tea
Once you befriend Virgo and break through their cool exterior, you won’t have to try very hard to get them to open up. (You may have to learn how to interpret their subtweets, though.) Get Virgo to open up by finding common ground—they love a good bitch session back-and-forth. And despite their “above the fray” attitude, they can’t help themselves when it comes to good gossip. But be warned: Virgos are judgy. They just are. So if you don’t feel like fucking hearing about it, keep your shit to yourself.
How to make things right
To be honest, it’s so easy to offend Virgo that it’s almost not worth worrying about. Their perfectionism turns even the tiniest, unintended slight into a whole thing. You will fuck up. You can’t help it. (Unless you’re some sort of AI that they, themselves, programmed. Even then, it’s probably still fucking possible.) The little stuff, they can forgive. But if you change the game on them, you have to do the legwork to earn back their trust. Holding up your end of any bargain is crucial when you’re friends with this sign.
“PRAISE” FROM A VIRGO MOM
“I love everything you’ve done with your new house. It’s just so…cozy…and you do so much with so little. I’m so proud of you for striking out on your own. So what if you end up alone and childless? This house is perfect for just you.”
VIRGO IN THE FAMILY
Virgos will always put the happiness of others before their own, but never is this truer than with their family. This sign will bend over backward to be whatever their parent, child, or sibling needs, taking on the role of protector, supporter, disciplinarian, and peacekeeper. They can wear themselves out with all of that effort, so make sure you remind them to fill their own cup once in a while. And don’t let their trademark criticism get under your skin—it really does come from a place of love.
How to have an awesome relationship with a Virgo parent
Anxious people make anxious parents, and Virgo is no exception. This sign’s protective instincts can go into hyperdrive when they have kids. That rigid need for obedience often results in the exact opposite of obedience, which basically drives everyone in the house batshit. But in their heart of hearts, Virgo wants their kids to see them as a friend. If you can, keep your rebellion on the DL. And show up for every holiday and reunion with a smile on your face—traditions are no joke to this sign. They will nitpick. Just learn to let it roll off your fucking back.
How to raise a kick-ass Virgo kid
Virgo’s obsessive tendencies start early, and these sweet kids will work their asses off to be perfect for you. Virgo children can hold a crazy family together all by themselves. So make sure that burden never falls on them, and that you show them some appreciation for their efforts. Teach these kids kindness and forgiveness while you’re at it—the fucking judginess also starts early. And definitely get them a dog or some other furry creature to love. The unconditional love will make them more compassionate, resilient, and affectionate humans.
How to go from siblings to BFFs
This loyal and loving sign will always have a sibling’s back. Virgos want a strong, cohesive family unit, so they have zero desire to compete with siblings. But they will absolutely throw down if shit isn’t fair or if parents play favorites. Make sure that there’s a give-and-take between siblings, and address any injustices (real or perceived) head-on. Once you’re on a good footing, your Virgo sibling will spend their life challenging you and helping you become the best version of yourself. Try returning the favor by gently nudging them out of their own comfort zone.
THE LAST WORD
Next time Virgo’s perfectionism is pissing you off, remember that they really can’t help it. (It comes from a good, if occasionally misguided, place.) A little patience and hard data can go a long way in smoothing over any Virgo-related issues. But when all else fails, make them laugh. God knows Virgos need a little levity in their overly structured lives!
