Grace was having a bad day. She woke up feeling terrible. The nagging cold had got worse. Her head was pounding. Liam had called Sean earlier and he had come straightaway. The benefits of having a doctor in the family, she supposed. He examined her, declared she had a cold, to which she joked, ‘All that money in med school didn’t go to waste so!’
He responded by taking out a needle, saying, ‘For that cheek Ms Devlin, I’ll have to take some blood from you!’
‘Not again, Sean. I’m feeling like a bleeding pincushion here,’ Grace moaned.
‘I’ll be gentle, I promise. But it’s a necessity I’m afraid. The chemotherapy will interfere temporarily with bone marrow function, particularly your white cells and platelets. It’s normal for the level of these to drop following chemo, which makes it more likely for you to catch an infection.’
That made sense to Grace. She remembered her biology days in school, white cells fight infection, red cells carry oxygen around the body and platelets clot the blood.
‘I’ll have this blood test analysed tomorrow and if your count is low, we’ll sort out some antibiotics for you. I don’t want you to worry about this, Grace. This is all normal stuff.’
‘Sean, hate to disagree with a doctor, but I’m afraid all this is far from normal. What happens if my blood count doesn’t return to normal?’ Grace replied.
‘If that happens, and that’s only if, mind you, we may have to postpone the next dose of your chemo. But let’s not jump ahead of ourselves, okay?’ Sean said gently.
‘Okay, Doctor. Thanks a million for coming over. I appreciate it.’ She then caught sight of Liam, furiously scribbling away. ‘What in the name of God are you writing, Liam?’
‘Just keeping notes of what Sean said, babe. I want to keep it all straight in my head,’ Liam replied.
‘And I used to think that Tara fussed over me! Come over here and give me a kiss you big eejit!’ Grace had been really narky with him earlier, and felt bad now. It was funny really, Liam had only come back into her life in the last couple of weeks, but now that he was back, she really didn’t know how she would have coped without him. She got so goddamn tired all the time. Meeting Catherine yesterday had really taken it out of her, even though it couldn’t have gone any better. Grace had asked her to come for lunch today but felt she’d have to cancel now. She couldn’t get out of bed, never mind negotiate an oven. Sean left with strict instructions for Grace to have complete bed rest. She’d asked Liam to ring Catherine to postpone their lunch and then to take Jack out for a few hours. They were going to visit his Nana – Liam's Mam. She was brilliant with him and already Jack was madly in love with his new Nana.
Despite the peace and quiet in the house, she couldn’t settle no matter how much she tried, so decided to have a shower. It felt glorious. The hot water warmed her chilled bones. She washed her hair and used copious amounts of her Benefit shower gel. It was amazing the difference a shower could make. She felt much better now and was sorry she’d sent Liam and Jack out. The house was too quiet all of a sudden.
Wrapping a towel around her wet hair and donning her bathrobe, she went downstairs to make a sneaky coffee for herself. What Liam didn’t know wouldn’t harm him! Said coffee made, Grace began to brush her hair thinking she should really blow-dry it, as opposed to letting it dry naturally. Now she had to be careful about such little things. It bugged her that everything she did now seemed to revolve around the cancer. She could imagine Liam’s voice in her ear saying, ‘Dry your hair Grace, you’ve a cold on you!’
And then something she had been told to expect happened. But what they didn’t tell her was how she would feel when she saw the big clumps of golden hair in her brush. Her beautiful hair was falling out.
She ran to the mirror over the fireplace and started examining herself. The more she scrutinised it, the more clumps were falling out. That was it, she couldn’t take anymore. She wanted to scream. But before she got the chance to have a much earned breakdown the doorbell went. That was all she needed. She looked through the peephole; it was Catherine. Liam had cancelled lunch, what was she doing here? But funnily enough Grace was glad to see her. She quickly tied her damp hair back into a loose ponytail and opened the door.
Catherine came in and took one look at Grace and gave her a big hug.
‘What’s wrong pet?’
‘Nothing. Just a cold. Come on in. I’ve a pot of coffee made, just don’t tell Liam.’
Catherine knew something was up with Grace. She looked really pale and her eyes were bloodshot. She’d obviously been crying. Did she have the right to push her though? She barely knew her really. ‘Liam called me earlier to cancel our lunch today. On impulse I decided to come over anyway. When I was small, if my brother Noel or myself were ill, my mother would make this amazing chicken noodle soup. It always made us feel much better. I thought that maybe I could make it for you today. I’ve brought all the ingredients with me. But if you don’t want any company tell me to go. I won’t be offended honestly,’ Catherine said to Grace.
‘No don’t go. That sounds lovely Catherine. It’s very thoughtful of you. I’ll show you where everything is,’ Grace replied.
‘Indeed you won’t. The deal is that you sit down in front of that TV and don’t move. I’ve worked in kitchens all my life; I’ll daresay I’ll find my way around yours!’ And with that Catherine got up and turned the TV on, flicking through the channels until she found Holly and Phillip on ITV talking about makeovers. ‘I always find if I need to forget about life for a while, Holly and Phillip work every time. Now sit back and relax,’ Catherine instructed her.
Fluffing the pillows up behind Grace’s back on the couch, she picked up her shopping bag and went to the kitchen. Thirty minutes later she was back.
‘Soup’s simmering. It will take about an hour. I’ve made enough for a couple of days. As long as you put it in one of your Tupperware containers in the fridge it will stay fresh,’ Catherine told her.
‘Thanks, Catherine. You’re very kind. And you were right; Holly and Phillip did take my mind off things. I love it when they both get the giggles. You can’t help but join in.’
Catherine stared at her daughter intently, ‘Is there anything you’d like to talk about? Sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone who’s not so close to you. I’m a good listener.’
‘If I started Catherine, I don’t think I’d stop. I’ve had a bad day today,’ Grace admitted.
‘Who says you have to stop? Get it all out of your system. You feel pretty miserable today?’ Catherine said gently.
‘You could say that. I’m so tired all the time and I’ve only had a few chemo sessions so far. I’ve got loads more to go. I’m scared I won’t have the strength to get through this,’ Grace confessed.
‘That’s understandable.’ Catherine knew that she needed to just listen. Grace didn’t need to hear any platitudes right now.
Grace got up and walked over to the sideboard. She picked up a couple of envelopes and handed them to Catherine. ‘And these don’t bloody help either.’
Catherine opened them and saw that they had Mass cards in them. ‘These are get well Mass cards, Grace. Masses and prayers will be offered up for you to get better. Are you not religious?’
‘I know what they are, Catherine. When Mam and Dad died I must have received hundreds of Mass cards for them. To me they are only given when you’re dead. So when I opened them up, it was like having a premonition. You know that saying, someone walked over my grave, well I could see mine. I could see myself being lowered into the grave beside Mam and Dad at Glasnevin Cemetery. I could see all my friends and Liam and Jack watching me being buried. And I could see the pile of bloody Mass cards that they would have to go through after the funeral.’ She stifled a sob.
‘Oh Grace pet, how terrible for you. It must have brought back some really sad memories. I’m so sorry that you lost Annie and Mick. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there to help you through it.’
Grace smiled her thanks at Catherine. ‘I know the people who sent the Mass cards were only letting me know that they cared, but it was an awful shock.’
Grace put her head in her hands and was quiet for a few minutes. After a while she looked up and continued. ‘When I was diagnosed with AML, I made it clear to Liam and my friends that under no circumstances was there to be any tears in front of Jack. It’s bad enough that my illness is turning my life and, in turn, my friends’ lives upside down, I can’t have it affecting Jack too.’
‘Do you think he knows something?’ Catherine asked.
‘He’s oblivious so far, but I’m not going to be able to hide it much longer. Look.’ Grace took her hair down and showed Catherine the bald patch, where her hair had fallen out earlier.
‘Oh pet, that’s awful. When did it start falling out?’ Catherine said, instantly getting why Grace was so upset.
‘Just before you got here. I had a shower and was brushing my hair and then I noticed big clumps in my brush. You’re warned that it’s going to happen with chemo, you even expect it, but nothing prepares you for the actual feeling you get when you see your hair coming out. I know it’s vain, but I love my hair. I’m afraid to finish brushing it, because of how much more might come out. I don’t want to be bald,’ Grace ended on a sob.
‘Oh Grace, my darling. Listen to me. Not brushing your hair won’t stop it falling out. It will just look messy! If it’s going to go, there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Why don’t we see what the damage is and then we’ll know what we’re dealing with? Alright? Can I take a look?’
When Grace gave her consent, Catherine began softly brushing her daughter’s beautiful long wavy hair. By the time she was finished there were three bald patches about the size of a two euro coin on her head. She opened her bag and took out one of her hair grips, pulled Grace’s hair up in a kind of a French twist holding it in place with the grip, and made sure that the bald areas were covered. ‘Now take a look at that. Jack will never notice anything.’
Grace stood up and examined herself in the mirror. In fairness, she couldn’t notice anything at the moment. But it wouldn’t be long before it would be too difficult to disguise with fancy hairstyles.
‘Grace, what are those thingies that all the kids are wearing now? Like a scarf on their heads.’
‘Bandannas?’ Grace asked.
‘Yes, that’s the one. They’re very trendy now, aren’t they? I sometimes watch Neighbours and one of the girls a few years ago had cancer and wore them all the time. It looked really good on her and she had hair like yours.’
‘Steph. That was her name, the girl on Neighbours,’ Grace said.
‘Yes, that’s the one.’
‘I suppose Jack would think I was cool too if I wore one. I hadn’t thought about them before. I was picturing myself wearing a really bad acrylic wig!’ Grace said, horrified at the thought.
‘Not at all. Sure you can get wigs made of real hair now,’ Catherine informed her. She amazed Grace. She had surprised her several times since they met twenty four hours ago. She was so glad that she had her in her life now. Nothing would ever replace her Mam, but she felt comfortable and secure with Catherine here.
‘Thank you so much for listening to me rant and rave. I bet you didn’t expect all of this when you called over. I’m sorry for all of the drama,’ Grace said.
‘Listen Pet, you’ve nothing to be sorry for. It’s no wonder you’re so upset with everything going on in your life right now. I know you’ve been trying to put a brave face on for everyone else, but sometimes you have to let people know you’re having a bad day. Now, the soup should be ready. You eat a bowl of this and I promise you things won’t seem quite so bad.’
Ten minutes later Grace was sitting at the dining room table with a big bowl of chicken noodle soup in front of her. It was absolutely gorgeous and Catherine was right, she did feel better.