It was Tuesday afternoon and Grace was in the middle of her chemo. She was lucky really, as she hadn’t been too badly affected by it. Apart from some nausea each evening and feeling really tired, she was pretty much coping with it. She had still managed to get some mouth ulcers despite trying all the washes and lollies that Liam supplied her with. They were the things that annoyed her the most right now.
Liam had been a godsend too. Knowing that his Daddy was looking after Jack in his own home after Montessori was great. They could do things slightly differently this time. As Liam was at home for Jack, Grace didn’t have to worry about finding different people to watch him. They had decided together that they needed to tell Jack that Mommy was sick, but not make it too big a deal. Jack was pretty amazing. They’d been really worried about telling him that Grace had to go to hospital, explaining that she needed to get some medicine. He had just walked over to Grace and given her a big sloppy kiss, ‘I kiss it better Mommy.’
Grace felt her eyes mist up. This was so hard. ‘Thank you sweetie-pie, I feel so much better already. That kiss really helped. But I better get some medicine too, just to be sure. That okay with you?’
‘Mebibine Mommy?’ Jack asked, finding it difficult to say the word.
‘Yes my sweetie-pie, it’s good medicine. You just wait and see. I’ll be home before you even miss me!’
Grace opened her eyes when she heard a noise, bringing her back from her thoughts. Catherine had arrived and was sitting beside her hospital bed.
‘How long have you been there?’ Grace asked her.
‘Just a couple of minutes, pet. You looked so peaceful, so I thought I’d leave you resting. How are you feeling?’ Catherine said.
‘Not too bad actually. You get used to the feeling of the drugs going into your system after the first session. I’m nearly done now. Only another hour or so. Traffic bad?’
‘No love, it’s grand. I didn’t know what to bring you, so I got you some glossies. The girls that work in my shop all say that these are the best.’
Catherine pulled out Tatler, Stellar, Marie Claire, Cosmopolitan, Woman’s Way and Image.
‘That’ll keep me going for a while!’ Grace laughed. ‘You shouldn’t have, Catherine. I keep telling everyone that they have to stop bringing stuff with them when they visit. Having your company is the best present, honestly.’
‘How are Liam and Jack?’ Catherine asked.
‘Great. I think they’re secretly enjoying the time on their own. It’s good for Liam to be the primary carer for a while. I know he has a lot of guilt for the three years he missed. Spending quality time with Jack on his own helps ease that a little, I think.’
‘Do you think he’ll ever drink again?’ Catherine asked quietly.
Grace thought about it for a few minutes before answering. ‘I don’t know to be honest. My gut instinct tells me he won’t. He’s had to deal with some heavy stuff over the last month or so and he hasn’t turned to the bottle, so I’m hopeful. We talk about it and I think that helps both of us. We have a deal that we have to be honest with each other and that includes him feeling the need for a drink. Liam says that he’ll always want a drink and that he scales it each day from 1 to 10. Anything under five is fine, but if he feels the need is over five, he’ll go to an AA meeting.’
‘That sounds sensible. How often does he go to meetings then?’ Catherine asked.
‘Once a week religiously. Last week he went twice,’ Grace replied.
‘He needed a drink when I wasn’t a match?’ Catherine said anxiously.
‘Don’t be silly, Catherine. Don’t start blaming yourself for everything. As it happens, I think Jack caused it! Liam had just finished an article for his newspaper and Jack came bounding in and knocked Liam's coffee cup all over the papers. He only writes longhand, so it was a slight disaster!’
‘Oh dear. Did he go mad?’ Catherine said with a small laugh.
‘Nah, just jumped up and told Jack not to worry about it when he started to cry. But I was narky as hell that day too and poor Liam took the brunt of it, so I reckon he needed to get away from both of us!’
Catherine noticed that Grace had her hair covered up completely with a scarf. ‘How’s the hair situation, pet?’
‘Ah, nearly all gone now! I’m going to have to shave the rest of it off. I’ve been avoiding it, but it’s driving me mad. The nurses have all said it’ll be easier just to get rid of the scraggly bits in the long run.’
‘That makes sense, Grace. It’ll be a tough moment for you I daresay.’
‘Not looking forward to being bald, but I’m going shopping next week for a wig. You’re not going to believe it but I found out yesterday that Liam was going to shave his head in support of me.’
‘That’s sweet Grace,’ Catherine said with a smile.
‘Yeah, but that’s not the end of it. Tom, Sean and even Gerry decided they’d do the same too. Brotherly solidarity or something. Then to make matters worse, Tara and Abby actually said they’d do it too.’
‘Oh my word!’ Catherine exclaimed.
‘Exactly. I don’t know what they were on when they came up with that one. We’d look like a group of Hare Krishnas when we got together for God’s sake!’ Grace said laughing.
‘So you put a stop to it?’ Catherine said.
‘You bet I did. I told them I’d never forgive them if they did that. Can you imagine the looks we’d get if we all went out together?’
‘Ah they were only trying to be supportive. Bit disappointed they didn’t go through with it, would have been fun to see!’ Catherine finished mischievously.
‘I’d say Tara and Abby are relieved anyhow. They only went along with the crazy idea because the guys talked them into it. Poor Abby has a date tonight. Can you imagine the guy’s face if she turned up bald!’
Catherine and Grace chatted and laughed for another hour or so. Then the treatment was over and Grace was unhooked.
‘Another one down!’ Grace declared.
Catherine smiled at her daughter. She was constantly amazed at how brave she was being.
Grace decided it was now or never. ‘Catherine, there’s something I need to know. Can you tell me about my father please? I’d like to fill in the gaps?’
All at once the atmosphere changed in the small room. Catherine’s smile vanished and she started twisting that bloody ring again. ‘I don’t know, Grace. I don’t know who your father is. I’m not proud of it, but I had a one-night stand. I was drunk. I can’t remember who the guy was. I’m sorry.’
Grace couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She didn’t know why, but she knew without a shadow of a doubt that Catherine was lying. She was hiding something. ‘You don’t remember anything, not even a name? I find that hard to believe,’ Grace said gently. She didn’t want to frighten her by pushing too hard.
‘His first name was Michael. That’s all I know. Now if you don’t mind, I’d rather not discuss this any further. It’s all rather painful.’ And with that she got up and picked up her things. She kissed Grace on her forehead and practically ran out the door.
Just as she was leaving, Tom arrived nearly colliding with her. ‘Jaysus, what’s the rush?’
Muttering an apology, Catherine glanced back at Grace sorrowfully and went out.
‘Was that Catherine?’ Tom asked.
‘Yep,’ Grace said.
‘Something happen?’
‘You could say that. I asked her about my father. She freaked and told me a pack of lies.’
‘What did she say?’ Tom asked.
‘That she got drunk, had a one-night stand with a guy called Michael and got pregnant. She doesn’t know any more about the guy.’
‘Sounds basically like a hundred stories I’ve heard before. We sometimes get enquiries from women trying to trace their adopted kids. How’d you know it’s a pack of lies?’ Tom asked.
‘Intuition. Instinct. I don’t know how, I just know she was lying. It was written all over her face. I’ve had a feeling she was hiding something a few times since we met, but thought it was my imagination.’
‘She sure doesn’t look like the type to have a drunken one-night stand. But you never know, Grace. She could have been embarrassed about it and that’s why she seemed nervous when you asked her. Not the easiest thing to tell your newly found daughter I would assume.’
‘No, I don’t buy that. When she talked about giving me up and why she did it, she looked me in the eye the whole time. She was upset and nervous yes, but I knew she meant every word she said. She looked everywhere but at me when she told me about this “Michael”. She was lying. I’m sure of it.’ Grace lay back against her pillow and closed her eyes for a moment. She felt betrayed all over again. Surely she deserved more than that from Catherine?
Tom felt terrible seeing Grace suffer. She was so pale and looked so tiny lying in the hospital bed. Seeing a tear fall down her face was the end of him.
‘Ah, Jaysus Grace. Don’t cry, you know I’m useless with women in tears. Look, maybe I can help.’
Grace opened her eyes. ‘How?’
‘Well, I could do a little bit of investigation into Catherine. She had you when she was twenty five?’
‘Yeah. What kind of investigation?’ she asked.
‘Look, I can pretty much find out anything about anyone if I really put my mind to it. There’s information about all of us out there just waiting to be found! Have you got her date of birth and all that stuff?’
‘Yes I do. She lived in Wexford until she got pregnant with me, you know,’ Grace told her friend, beginning to feel more hopeful every minute.
‘Well that’s a good place to start. Leave it to Uncle Tom. I’ll make some enquiries. Find out what kind of girl she was. Whether she enjoyed a jar, that kind of thing? I’ll see if I can find out if she had any regular boyfriends. Might give us a lead on who your father could be,’ he reassured her.
Tom was relieved to see this put a smile on Grace’s face.
‘Thanks, Tom. That would be great!’
‘Anything for you, Grace. No guarantees, but I promise I’ll do everything in my power to find your father.’