Tara and Sean were back at their three-bed semi in Malahide. Her blue eyes were shiny with unshed tears. Everyone had cried at some point over the past couple of hours at Grace’s, with the exception of Tara. She had to be strong for her cousin, and she had repeated the words like a mantra over and over in her head as the horror of Grace’s illness was revealed. Watching Grace fall to pieces had been unbearable for everyone. They felt at once useless that they couldn’t help and guilty that they were not ill and Grace was. They all held her until her sobs eventually stopped. Tom made coffee and Grace had called time on any more questions. It was enough for one day. Then it was time for Grace to go, as she had to pick Jack up from his friend’s house, where he was on a play date. And she needed to get back into Mommy mode. No way would she allow her son to see her so upset. But Tara still had some questions to ask her husband.
‘What is the prognosis really, Sean? The truth please,’ she asked.
‘With chemo, 30%. If we can find a suitable donor that increases dramatically.’ There was nothing to say to that. Tara walked over to the drinks cabinet and poured herself a large vodka. She noticed Sean raise his eyebrows at her, but one look from her stopped him from saying anything. They were both on a health kick at the moment to help with their trying to conceive. But this was not the time to nag her about drinking.
‘Oh my God Sean! What about Jack?’ Tara said with a sob.
‘Jack will be fine, Tara. He has a mother who loves him and a gaggle of aunts and uncles who would all chop their arms off for him. We’ll make sure he’s okay. Right now, I’m worried about you. You look really pale, honey.’
Tara stared into the bottom of her glass, deep in thought. Sean let her sit quietly; he knew she would talk when she was ready. After a couple of minutes she looked up at her husband.
‘I just feel so guilty, Sean,’ Tara said in a small voice. ‘This morning, the way I behaved. I thought it was the end of my world. How ridiculous is that?’ Sean put his hand up quickly to stop Tara continuing.
‘Don’t you dare, Tara. Don’t you dare apologise or feel guilty about how you feel ever. You were disappointed this morning. We both were. We thought this time we were definitely pregnant. It was understandable that you were upset. I was gutted myself to be honest.’ Sean knew how Tara felt. They had been trying for years to get pregnant and it was getting to the stage where they needed to go and get some help as it just wasn’t happening for them. The constant cycle of devastation they were on was a nightmare. Like this morning when Tara got a Big Fat Negative. Again. It felt like Groundhog Day. He knew that in a few weeks Tara would be back to religiously peeing on a stick, waiting for the go-ahead that it was the right time. Then would come the fervent days waiting till they could test, both allowing themselves to hope that this month it would be their month. Both would work out in their minds the possible due date of their baby. They knew that was only setting themselves up for a fall, but they couldn’t help themselves. And then the crashing realisation that once again this wasn’t their turn. But today, Grace’s cancer had put their own situation into sharp context. He walked over to Tara and sat beside her, stroking her arm lightly.
She looked up at him and said, ‘I can still remember the day Grace got the call to say that Annie and Mick were in a car crash. I’ll never forget the look on Grace’s face as she took that call. The colour just drained from her. We drove like madwomen to Vincent’s, all the time me telling Grace to keep positive, it mightn’t be Annie and Mick. Probably just a case of mistaken identity. Grace never said a word. She just sat in the passenger seat, quiet as a mouse. By the time we got to the hospital, they were both gone. Mick had died instantly, and Annie just couldn’t hold on anymore. I couldn’t believe it.’
Tara stood up and turned to her husband, continuing. ‘I really had myself convinced that they’d be okay. That it was all a big mistake. Grace just fell to the floor and the scream that came from her stopped everyone in their tracks. I mean hospitals see some serious tragedy every day, but there was something so heartbreaking about that noise that Grace made. It’s stayed with me. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.’
‘Baby, you’re torturing yourself. That’s all in the past,’ Sean said as he took hold of Tara’s hands, his heart breaking as he listened to the raw pain in his wife’s words.
‘You don’t understand, Sean. I’m trying to tell you something. I know I’m not making any sense. What I’m trying to say is that everybody has a sad story. Or if they haven’t, it’s only a matter of time before they do. Grace has already had her sad story. She’s already had one motherfucking tragedy in her life when Mick and Annie died.’ Sean winced at the language.
‘So, why in all that’s sacred, would God ask Grace to deal with this now? It’s not fair, Sean. It’s just not fair.’
With tears running down Sean’s face, there was nothing he could say, so he just pulled his beautiful wife into his arms and held her. Held her so tightly that he wondered who was comforting whom?