My body has tried to bury the memory, erase it, rewrite it, forget it. Still I remember it like it happened yesterday. My mother, Crystal, and I were in Gran’s living room watching a rerun of The Facts of Life, that eighties TV show with the girls who went to a boarding school in Connecticut. The Facts of Life was my Saturday night must-see TV. I loved Ms. Garrett as the sweet-faced, bun-wearing housemother. I was obsessed with Tootie, played by Kim Fields, and imagined myself entering every room on roller skates, with short shorts and cute striped socks, flashing that innocent give-me-what-I-want smile. Saying her signature line, “We’re in trouuu-ble!”
Every Saturday night, my mother brought me over to Gran’s, my father’s mother, so I could go to church the next morning. Mommy didn’t go to service but wanted me to have God.
My father’s younger sister, Crystal, is only five years older than I, and stayed up under my mother when she came around. Probably because my mother was pretty and always smelled real good. She wouldn’t leave the house without spritzing her skin with that dark purple bottle of Poison cologne she kept on her vanity. Her scent made me think I was eating a plum and plucking carnations at the same time. Mommy had just washed my hair. My Hello Kitty T-shirt was damp down my back from where the towel had slipped. I sat between her thighs while she parted my curls down the middle, slathered a gulp of Blue Magic on my scalp, and brushed my hair tangle-free.
We had finished dinner more than an hour ago, but the smell of fried chicken still clung to the fibers in the furniture. I knew when I woke up in the morning I’d still smell the grease, because Gran always left it out overnight to cool in an old spaghetti jar. Then in the morning, she’d stick it in the back of the fridge for the next time she fried. I was so caught up in my show, Mommy had to yank my ponytail a few times to keep me facing in the right direction. Jo, the tough girl, was arguing with Blair, the spoiled rich one, over tying up the telephone line, when Gran’s front door opened and slammed back into place.
His key ring dangled from his finger, and my stomach curled and then loosened. Daddy filled the living room with the smell of tobacco, and I could tell by his unstable footing that something wasn’t right.
“Where you goin’ all dolled up?” He only had eyes for my mother.
“Daddy, Gran made fried chicken and biscuits,” I chirped, pinching my fingernails into my left thigh as hard as I could, distracting myself from that drowning sensation that happened whenever my parents were in the same room.
They were still legally married, but we had been living away from him for almost a year. Most times Daddy would forget that he had lost his claim on her. I could understand why. Mommy was a looker, with a pixie haircut, eyes big like saucers, small ankles, and mocha almond skin that stayed rich and creamy all winter long. Her hips were robust, like she had honeydews in her pockets. When we ran errands on Broad Street, men sitting in plastic chairs while playing checkers would sneak a peek at her behind. Smacking their greedy tongues like they had just eaten a juicy piece of fried croaker, and a bone got stuck in their teeth.
“Franklin, you take your meds?” Mommy looked up from my head, but her clever fingers didn’t miss a beat.
“Heard you was sneaking down to the West Indian club with that yella nigga again.”
My mother clucked her tongue.
“Punchy said he saw you.”
“Punchy can’t see with his glasses on.” She fastened the last barrette into my hair.
I was too big for ponytails, but my mother said that she didn’t want Gran to have to do anything in the morning but get us off to church. So I had to wear two of them, even though, at twelve, I was ready for curls.
“Go on with that mess, Frankie.”
“Always knew you were a whore. Black-ass dirty whore,” he chanted, covering the length of the room quick as a cheetah cat. So close so fast that I didn’t have time to scoot from between Mommy’s legs before he gripped her neck like he was choking a chicken. It wasn’t the first time I had seen Daddy snatch her up, but this time felt different.
It was his fishing knife, the sharp one he used to gut and clean the porgies he picked up on Friday nights from the Italian market on Ninth Street. And now it was the knife bouncing in and out of Mommy’s chest, arms, mouth, throat, skin, life. Blood sprouted from Mommy like leaks in a faulty pipe.
My voice paused at the tip of my lips. The room spun as my mother pushed me out of the way and I moved, dizzy with confusion. Crystal shouted for Gran and then rushed toward my father.
“Frankie, stop!” She pulled on his arm, and his knife sliced her from the base of her ear down to her shoulder blade. It was the sight of Crystal’s blood that made him stop. Not my mother’s.
Gran wobbled down the stairs in her flowered housecoat, with one side of her hair rolled in pink sponge curlers and the other side flying wildly, a pad of grease oozing from the back of her hand.
“Franklin, dear God. Frankie. Sweet Jesus. Lord have mercy on this house.”
And all of a sudden, the television was too loud. Blair going on about the date she had for Saturday. Tootie rolling in on her roller skates. Mrs. Garrett pulling a roast out of the oven. Then silence. And next came the flashing lights of the ambulance, and my mother being taken away.
* * *
I’m standing in the middle of the one-way street looking at the brick row home. Gran lived in the second house from the corner. It was how she gave directions.
“Corner of Susquehanna and Sydenham Street. When you come down the block it’s the house with the yella awning. Mmm hmm, second house from the corner, on the left-hand side. Can’t miss it.”
On the day of the incident, my father stabbed my mother eighteen times. She didn’t die, but she was never well enough to come back home. Since I was only twelve years old, I was moved to Gran’s house, on one of those can-barely-get-your-car-down-the-block, one-way streets that Philadelphia is famous for. Almost as well known as our soft pretzels, hoagies, (which the rest of the world called subs), and cheesesteaks. Not with that Cheez Whiz mess you see on the Food Network. I’m talking about real cheesesteaks, with provolone or American cheese, fried onions, mayonnaise, ketchup, and hot sauce on a long Amoroso roll.
The white paint around the windows and door is badly chipped, and the railing slopes to the right side. I slip my key in and unlock the door. I know Gran’s schedule as well as she knows mine. When I step into the living room, I know that dinner is ready.
The house is railroad style, with each room running into the next, and from the doorway I can see the entire narrow house. Gran is reading her Bible at the dining room table. She can see me too, and her face spreads into a smile as wide as the Mississippi River.
“Dinner’s on the stove. Made your favorite. Roast beef and mashed potatoes.”
“How come you didn’t have the chains on the door? You’re always complaining about how dangerous it is around here.”
“Oh, gal, hush that fussing and go make us some plates. I’m hungry. Ain’t had nothing in my stomach all day.” She grins, all gummy. She doesn’t have her teeth in, which means she hasn’t been out of the house today. I lean in for a hug. She reaches back from her chair.
“Go on now.” She pushes me away. Never been one for a lot of affection. “Don’t put too much roast beef on my plate. Hard for me to chew.”
I walk back into the living room and put my purse on the side of the sofa. It’s still covered in the plastic slipcover from my childhood. The kitchen is tiny. Only enough room for what’s necessary. I rinse my hands at the old porcelain sink that has a deep rusty ring around it. I tighten the knob, but a slow drip still slips from the faucet. Two baby roaches scurry across the counter. I swat at them with my hand and rinse them down the drain. Welcome home.
* * *
The dining room table is covered with God knows what. I move a few piles onto the piano to make enough room for our plates.
“What is this stuff?”
Gran moves the potatoes around on her tongue. “Crystal’s junk. She keep coming around dumping, talking ’bout she goin’ to come back and get it. Never do. I gotta mind to toss all of her mess in the garbage, that girl causing me so much trouble. Got the feds talking about taking my little money to pay her debts.”
I fork the roast beef into my mouth and just let the meat rest on my tongue.
“Like butta, baby,” Gran teases me, and all I can do is nod my head. Gran’s food is real soul food, and it does what it’s supposed to do—make me forget my burdens and lighten my mood.
“Whatcha got to drink?”
“You can grab me a beer. There’s one in there for you too.”
I open the refrigerator and Gran’s got a four-pack of Schlitz Malt Liquor sitting there like Preston would have Stella Artois.
I carry two back into the dining room.
“You get me a straw?”
I take it from my pocket and put it with her beer.
We sip. It’s some nasty shit, but I like the buzz I feel in my head and I sip some more.
“So why the wind done blown you to my doorstep?”
“Nothing worth talking about now.” I sip some more. “What’s new around here?”
“You really want to know, hand me my cigarettes.” She points.
I have an urge to take one but Gran doesn’t know I used to be a smoker, so I sit on my hands. She lights, puffs, cocks her head, and opens her mouth in an O. I watch her movements, longing.
“Done told you about Precious man stealing the washing machine. Well, the cops caught him trying to sell it to one of Precious’ friends around the corner for ten dollars. Ten dollars! Can you believe that nonsense?”
I shake my head.
“And it wasn’t one of those old machines. It’s the new front loader. Blood red. Finer than anything I seen, even better than what Mr. Orbach had downtown when I worked for him. Nice. Ten dollars? That fool done gone stone crazy.”
I shake my head.
“I got some papers I need you to look over while you here. Important. Don’t let me forget.”
The telephone rings.
“Hand me that.”
I get up for the cordless receiver.
“No, don’t answer it. You know I let it ring three times before I pick it up.”
On the third ring, I hand it to Gran.
“Hello.”
I walk over to the piano and let my fingers trail lightly over a few notes.
“Praise the Lord, Sister Marie. Oh, I’m ’bout fair to middlin’. You?”
I know Gran is about to start in on a good talk, so I take my beer into the living room and look around for the remote. The yellow curtains with the deep gold patterns still hang from the windows, miniature porcelain cats and horses still on the sill, lamp with the jeweled beads still on the coffee table stand, and a stack of Hallelujah records still on the shelf underneath the record player. Gran’s house is frozen in a time capsule. Still the same.
I move to the sofa, and that’s when I notice there is no cable box. I didn’t know Gran didn’t have cable downstairs. When I sit down and flip the channels the only thing on is the news.
Headlines: Gun found at Fels high school; student apprehended. Fire claimed the life of an elderly woman in South Philadelphia. Police are looking for five men in connection with a home invasion and abduction in the Juniata Park section. Eighteen-year-old girl stabbed multiple times in Logan at a house party; she’s in critical condition. Five-year-old boy is missing, walked out of his mother’s apartment at two A.M.
I turn the television back off and look out the window. Two men hurry down the street. A black-and-white stray cat rests on Shayla’s bottom step, licking its paws. Her old house that I used to run in and out of all hours of the day is boarded up, as is the one next door to it. Shayla use to have the front bedroom because her mother thought the back one was bigger. When I look up at the window thinking about all the times we shared, I hope like hell she’s got her eye on Brave. If Preston knew that I helped her … I turn back in my seat and fold my hands in my lap. Sickness for my real home with my real family washes over me and I use my cell to call the house. No answer. Then Preston’s phone, but I get his voice mail. I gulp my Schlitz.
* * *
Gran played the Clark Sisters’ “Is My Living in Vain?” while I cleaned the kitchen and put the food away.
“I didn’t know you went to bed so late,” I say, following Gran up the creaky, narrow, wooden stairs. She moves slowly, pausing on each step like she’s scanning the ocean floor for a sand dollar.
“Jesus,” she says, slapping her thigh. “Help me up the mountain, Jesus.”
“Why don’t you get one of those stair lifts?”
“Cost too much. My doctor tryin’ to get me a prescription for it, but even with that it’s pricey.”
“I’ll help with the payments.”
“I’m fine, chile. I like the exercise. ’Sides, your husband’s money has to send them children to that old fancy private school they ’tend.”
I sigh and let her dig go. We walk down the squat hallway. Gran’s bedroom is up front, Crystal’s and my room is to the right. When I glance into the space, it appears livable.
“I’m surprised our old room isn’t filled to the brim.”
“I keep it nice for you, case you ever decide to drop in.” She leans heavily on the hall railing and then takes the few steps into her bedroom. Her high-back chair has two pillows, and she lets herself down into it.
“Here, untie my shoes.”
I kneel in front of her.
“I manage just fine by myself, but since you here I’m gonna let you be my arms and legs,” she says with a wink. “’Bout time you came. Now, you goin’ tell me why you here?”
I slip Gran’s beige walking shoes off her swollen feet and slide them under the chest of drawers where she keeps her everyday pairs. My heart is like a weight in my chest.
“Can you give me something to help me sleep?” I avert my eyes to the worn-out carpet beneath my feet so that she can’t see my fresh pain.
“There’s a bottle on the dresser, should be toward the front. Called zaleplon. Just take a half if you ain’t used to taking pills.”
Gran’s dresser top looks like a pharmacy, among the many bottles of pills and dusty perfume vials and bottles.
“You never wear the perfume I give you. These are still in the box.”
“Well, what you tryin’ say, I stink?”
“No, just trying to be thoughtful.”
“Old folks don’t want perfume, gal. Next time get me something else.”
I fumble around the dresser picking up bottles and then putting them down until I find the right one. I shake a tablet into my hand, remembering the one I stole from her when I took that bus ride to Virginia. I leave the memory right where it stands, and head down the hall to the bathroom. When I lean over the sink, the recollections have followed me. I see my fifteen-year-old self in the tub filled with water when Gran walked in and discovered my big belly. Feel the sting of her belt as it lashed down on my wet skin.
* * *
It was just after nine o’clock when I crawl between the sheets of the old full-size bed that I used to share with Crystal before she birthed Derell and they moved around the corner. The sheets smell like Clorox and lavender. The bed is hard, nothing like the pillowtop I share with Preston at home. His name on my thoughts makes the tears swell, and I bury my face into the pillow, willing my nose not to breathe, mind not to think, heart not to ache, feelings not to spill. Soon enough the aid I swallowed takes over like magic, and I fall into the chambers of sleep.
I’m down ten hours straight. When I wake up my breasts are leaking through my nightshirt. I’ve missed two feedings with Liv and I’m up, into my jeans and downstairs searching for my cell phone. No missed calls. I dial home. Juju answers the telephone.
“Hi, honey. Preston’s in the shower but the kids are here.”
I know it’s a lie. She and I have never been chummy. She would have preferred that Preston married a doctor or a lawyer.
“Did he tell you to use the breast milk in the freezer for Liv? She’s weaning off but she feeds from me twice a day.”
“Yes.” Her tone is clipped.
“You have to heat it on the stove. If you put it in the microwave you ruin the milk.”
“I’m aware, dear. Twyla is pulling the phone. Hang on.”
“Mommy.” She starts crying. “Where’re you? When are you coming home?”
“Two, Two-Two, stop crying, my love.” I try to keep my voice steady. I miss her like it’s been a month. “I’m in Philly right now helping Gran. I’ll be home soon. How was school yesterday?”
Two is easily distracted and tells me about a game she played before handing the phone to Rory.
“Hi, Mama.”
He’s the only one of my kids who calls me Mama, and it makes the dam loosen.
“How are you, son?” I breathe hard, trying to keep the tears that stream down my face from reaching his ears. We talk for a few minutes and then he asks if I want to speak to Daddy. I hear Preston in the background telling Rory to tell me he’ll call me later.
“Okay, sweetie, kiss Liv for me and I’ll call you later. You know my number, right?”
“Right.”
“You can call me anytime, you hear me? You don’t need permission from Daddy or Juju. Just dial my number when you want me.”
“Okay, Mama.”
“Even when we are not together, I love you.”
“I love you more.”
I end the call and fall against the sofa. I’ve never felt more hopeless in my life. I want my family back. This ain’t right.