In the Nissan, I can smell Martin everywhere, feel him everywhere. It’s as if he has seeped into my pores and reclaimed me. I can’t remember being this sore, since losing my virginity in the back of the car.
The bars and restaurants are closed for the night, and there aren’t many cars on the street as I make my way back to North Philly. When I slip into Gran’s house, I fall into my bed without showering. I sleep for the first time since I arrive in Philadelphia with no substances or aids. But guilt is a cognitive emotion that can sometimes be born slowly. Like the first moments a fetus takes hold of a woman’s belly; she doesn’t know the tiny dot is there but it is growing.
By morning, the remorse is so large in my throat I can barely eat. I have a guilt hangover. What have I done? I’ve missed my morning call to the kids and by the time I ring the line, Preston answers the telephone.
“Hello,” I say and then look down at my phone to make sure I have the right number.
“Hey.” Preston’s voice is distant.
“Hey.” I’m not prepared to talk to him and my mind goes blank of what to say.
“The kids left already for their activities with Juju. Rory tried calling you last night but you didn’t answer.”
“I went to a movie.” The lie rolls from my tongue.
“Living it up.”
“Making do. I want to come home.”
“No.”
“Why’re you punishing me?”
Preston sighs deeply. “Honestly, I’m not sure what to do with you.”
“What to do with me?” my voice rises. “Preston, I am still your wife. Stop making this more than it is.”
“I don’t trust you. For all I know you could be sleeping with the dude right now.”
I blink in succession.
“You could have been seeing him through our whole marriage. Why didn’t you mention you had a man?”
“Preston, haven’t you had women before me?”
“Yes, and I’ve mentioned them. Sadly, you didn’t think to pay me the same courtesy.”
“Oh, stop it.”
“I didn’t marry you with you thinking I was a virgin, did I?”
“You believed what you wanted to believe.”
“I believed what you wanted me to believe. I’ve got another call.” He hangs up in my ear.
I hold the phone for so long my knuckles ache.