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I
could spend my life travelling from Paris to London and the opposite. I have two more days left to enjoy Jorge all by myself. Fourty eight hours. Two thousand eight hundred and eighty minutes. One hundred seventy two thousand and eight hundred seconds. I need air, what will happen after this week? I start to feel I need his company more than I ever thought before. I couldn’t go back to my life without Jorge, after these days for trying what would my life be with him, a life full of color, with passion, love and luxury, with caresses and kisses, with lights and sweet fragances which envolve my body after every hug gifted by his body. How would I survive without him, now that I know how it is to have him this way?
Simple: I wouldn’t.
We are travelling in the Eurostar sitting next to each other reading the news and I need to hug him after thinking how important he is becoming to me, like if days will turn endless by hugging him this way. Jorge is surprised after my reaction and watches me trying to understand what could happen to me.
“Hey, Lau, something happens?”
“No, I just wanted to hug you” I recognize, while I still hug him.
I don’t know if age influences the situation but, I feel I am safe next to him. And that never happened to me before.
“Oh, well” he answers funny “In that case...”
He puts me apart to look at my eyes; I imagine to be sure I didn’t become insane suddenly.
“Come on, give me a kiss” he says coming close to my lips.
Seriously, it can’t be happiness in the world greater than what I feel in this moment. It even scares me.
We spent the last two days among stolen kisses at every corner, taking advantage of every second to be as close as possible. We drank tea at the Dorchester, gave a walk on a ship along the Támesis, the Big Ben, the parlament and the small Christmas markets spread around the city.
The last day London woke up snow-covered. Long enough to enjoy it without concerning for the return travel. That morning we couldn’t help to stay under the sheets in our room. We have so much complicity; we are so empathic; it is like we have been together for years. A new sensation we seem to share.
I always wanted to imagine Jorge was this kind, so sweet and tender in the intimacy –yes, I am one of those who imagine those kind of things- but, this exceeds my imagination. I felt jelousy about Claudia for picturing she had him this way all this years.
Today, we had to say good bye to London so, we wore our coats and went out to give a walk. We seriously tried to enjoy the British museum; we tried to walk peacefully around Hyde Park. But it wasn’t even six in the afternoon when we had to return to the hotel with our dinner in a bag. We were desesperate kissing each other before getting to our room. We dropped things at the first place we found when we made it to the room and we started getting the other’s clothes with urgency, like we didn’t have the rest of the afternoon and the whole night still.
It was snowing outside again.
We didn’t pay attention to anything else but our bodies, those we already met inch after inch. Our urgency decreased as we were becoming involved at each other deeper and deeper, learning how to accelerate and cool off at the same time, few times with elegance, other times wild and madness.
We only rest when we are out of energy. We need to eat something. Jorge stands up to look after the food we brought before but, a coulpe of smoky salmon sandwiches seems too little right now.
“I need a hamburguer” he confesses.
“...with fries...” I add, drooling after picturing it.
We stare at the other and we know we have to order junk food, right now. Jorge hangs the phone and tries to make them understand we don’t want oysters, neather champagne but hamburguers, we want fries with ketchup and mustard; we might want chicken wings as well.
We stay under the sheets hugging, while we wait to be delivered our food. Jorge passes one arm behind me and pulls me toward him.
“I will miss a lot spending the days this way” I say while I caress his chest, Jorge sigs and kiss my forehead without smilling “You hold the marathon very well considering your age...”
“Hey!” and he starts tickle me.
He drags me over him and I start kissing him all over his face. I go down little by little while his breath accelerates. When we are about to start again we heard room service calling at the door.
I stand up in a bad mood and look after a robe to go open the door.
“No, wait, I’ll go” Jorge says hurrying to stand up.
“No, stay there” I rush to answer, stopping him with my hand “I can go as well.”
“It is just I get jelous if they look at you... Imagine the expression of the room service guy when he sees you this way...” he says lower, watching at me up and down.
“Don’t be silly...”
I kiss him quickly to go and open the door, leaving him grumpy over the bed.
I love this jelousy Jorge.
“I can see junk food is prepared in this hotel as if it was the greatest delicatessen in the world” I point, tasting the last piece of my burguer.
It was juicy, the fries were crunchy with salt enough, chicken wings were not overcooked but in the precise point. They must have an employee to prepare junk food in this hotel I figured. I wouldn’t be surprised about that at all.
Jorge smears a french fry with ketchup and spots my cheek with it. I try to rub my spotted cheek over his cheek and after a while we are again over the other playing and kissing.
In that moment his phone rings, interrumpting us again unfortunately. It is near so I looked at it from above the same way I have done this week every time he has been called. But this time his face changes and not in a good sense.
“It’s Claudia” he communicates me angry about the call, stretching his arm to grab the phone.
“Do you have to answer?” I say in a sweet tone while kissing his neck.
“Unfortunately, yes...” and he hangs up the phone in a very bad mood “Hello Claudia, tell me... I already told you I had vacations...” he pushes me gently and stands up, upset “I don’t have to Claudia... I said yes, it is ok, but you needed something? ... No, I am not in Sala... Claudia, now you do your life and I do mine, we have to use to that...”
I feel bad for listenning this kind of conversation, which seems to last long by the way. I pick the first clothe I find in the room, I get dressed and go out to the living room of our level waiting to the conversation ends.
I have a big amount of messages for these days to answer. Paula and Marta declared me as impossible and Toño only reminds me to catch up as soon as possible. There are also some messages from some ex, typical messages people use to send during the season in which they seem to confuse melancholy with Christmas spirit. I erase my ex’s messages right the way. I promised Toño to catch up as soon as I come back. And I decide to call Marta and Paula –thank you European taxes-. I sit over the big couch which is in front of the elevators.
I will call first to... Paula.
“You bitch! Where are you! I have received strange messages from your phone these days after calling you. Where the hell are you?” It is the warm greet I receive.
I hear Marta at the bottom complaining as well.
“I love you too, Pau...” I answer.
“Wait, hold on, I’ll put the speaker, Marta wants to speak to you either...”
“No, wait, where are you?”
I don’t want anybody but them to hear what I will say.
“In my house...” Paula says confused for my reaction.
“Are you alone?”
“Yes, Lau... what happens?”
“Ok, put the speaker and I’ll tell you as short as I can.”
I hear some noise in the phone and after few seconds Paula’s voice sounds again at the other side of the line.
“Ok...it is. Ready.”
“Lau, girl, you have been missed the entire week, what are you doing with your life?” I hear Marta asking this time.
“I’m sorry, I mean it, I will tell you with calm later but, I have spent these days in London and Paris with Jorge” and for few seconds, I only hear silence “Girls?”
“Are you kidding me... You mean Jorge... Jorge?” Paula insists “The snob lawyer from your parents’ law firm? Captain Von Trapp?”
“Yes, that one... although, he is not snob...” and I feel that I have to defend him somehow from those accusations, which on the other side, I settled myself until few days ago.
“No...” I hear Marta’s laugh “You have to be kidding me, Lau...”
“I mean it girls, we are in London yet. I will tell you when I get back.”
“No way, you are kidding me!” Paula keeps insisting almost blowing from laughing after I recognize this is just one of my regular jokes.
“I sware!”
Aren’t they going to believe me?
“Wait... is that the reason why those funny messages came out from your phone?” Marta asks.
“But Jorge was married and had a daughter, right?” I think they talk to each other: “Oh boy, our Lau is a bitch, destroying families...”
“No, they have separated since a while and they are processing their divorce.”
“Come on, so he says to you. They probably have some crisis and he has taken advantage to run out few days with you. To try to get you as the second one...”
Paula, as positive as usual...
“I really believe him, girls. Claudia just called him through the phone and according to what they were talking, it was true.”
“Damn our Lau...” they answer while they keep laughing from whatever they consider funny of all this “And when will you come back to settle all of the details? And when I say all, I mean everything.”
I know, I know what they mean...
“This weekend but, we will use it to be together. We won’t be able to be together during the week so; we don’t want people to know about us yet.”
“Will you leave us this way more days? Tell us something, how is he in bed? Considering how cold and snob he is, I am not capable to imagine him there...”
Of course, Paula thinking about those details. It is like if I was watching her making obscene gestures while she says that.
“Well, you are not going to believe me!”
I see Jorge going out of the livin, looking at every direction to find out where I am. He finally finds me and he approaches to me. He is coming pretty serious. Whatever he has spoken with Claudia, left him in a bad mood.
Oh boy... right in our final day...
“Girls, I have to go. I sware I’ll call you as soon as I can and I’ll tell you.”
“Ok, ok, but if you don’t tell us something soon, we will kidnap you...”
Jorge is already next to me. He sits in the couch and passes his arm over my shoulders although he is still with a serious expression and his eyes lost at the bottom of the hall.
I hang to my friends and look at him with a brief smile, trying to pass the feeling at his face. And I did it, although his face still reflects exhaustion.
“Are you talking on the phone as well?” he aks me.
“Yes, my friends, they were upset because I was missing for days.”
“I completely corner you, he?”
“And I love it.”
He stops for a moment, looking at my smile.
“Did you mention something?”
“Something, but not everything, althought they made me sware I would tell them details when I get back” and as soon as I see a concerning shadow at his face, I add: “Don’t worry, they let themselves to be cut their tongues before saying anything.”
He smiles again but, there is no joy in his smile. He puts his head backward, supporting over the furniture.
“And, how about you?” I ask almost afraid about the answer.
And the size of the sig he emits after he listens at my question, anticipates me with a major clarity how his conversation has been.
“Well... the usual. She wanted to know where I was, that she needed money to buy clothes to Noelia and things like that” he leans forward, supporting his face between his hands “God, I want this finishes so much...”
He looks exhausted. It hurts me to see him this way, so depressed and tired. I lean in his direction and start tender his hair, trying to calm him down. I know he likes when I do that as much as I like when he does it in return and, after I caresses him, his face expression relaxes step by step although not as much as I would like to.
“Are you ok?”
I don’t now what else I can tell him. He raises his head, looks at me and sigs, trying to rid of the entire mental exhaustion he has brought from the room.
“Some better now” he stands up and stretches one hand “Would you mind to go out for a while to clear our minds in the streets?”
How would I say no to this man?
“Not at all, let’s go.”
We went out to the street. It is cold and it is still snowing small snowflakes. Jorge hugs me by my waist while we walk around London down town, trying to leave behind the troubles that hit us even before coming back to Salamanca.
“I have been thinking” he says breaking the silence at last “we can spend the weekend in a house that belongs to my mother which is out of the city. So we can be sure nobody will disturb us. I am the only one who has keys because I make some cleaning from time to time.
“Sounds great, so we can make these days a little longer.”
“Exactly” and he looks at me smiling, some cheerful than before, while he hugs me stronger against him.
He has to be feeling wrong but, he never talks about it. He might think that if he trusts those kind of things to me I might be upset or feel hurt for talking about Claudia. He has the feeling that I never like very well his still wife. But the only thing that matters to me is for him to be fine; that is what always concerns me. Although Jorge seems to be one of those persons who never talk about their problems with anybody and, it will be difficult to achieve for him to tell me how he feels without forcing him.
We keep walking in the street for a while. There are not much people in the streets at this hour as it is too late for Englishmen and too cold for tourists, who join at the many bars of the area, sheltered for bad weather with a pint of beer at their hands. Slight snowflakes keep falling over the British floor and even though, weather doesn’t get mild. It might not be cold again the reason why I feel myself shiver.
We are going to the hotel to have some rest, as the following day we have to wake up early to take our flight soon. And I can’t take it anymore, I need to know if he can trust me and tell me how he feels about all this. I have to manage for him to tell me about what is going on actually. Otherwise, all this will go to hell at any moment. I want him to tell me his problems, to cross the border from taking a coffee, lie down together and coming back at each one’s home. If we stablish that dynamic, it won’t lead us anywhere so, I decide to stick to the point.
“Jorge, are... you ok?”
He seems stranged with the question. He squeezes the hand I have around his arm and tries to remain with his glance stuck at the floor as an excuse to stand over the snow.
“Yes, sure, why?” he answers no convinced at all.
“I mean it Jorge, you are getting divorced. That is not precisely entertaining...”
He turns his glance in my direction. He locks his eyes on mine few seconds, trying to find out if there is a trap on my question.
“No, it is not entertaining” he looks at the floor again trying to select the appropriate words “but, it has to be forgotten.”
“But it has to be difficult after those years you spent with her.”
Jorge sigs and for a moment I thought he was going to talk to me about it but, it seems he is more stubborn than what I believed.
“I don’t talk to anybody about this topic, Laura, let it go.”
And calling to a stubborn, here I am, of course.
“No I won’t forget it. You are not ok and you have no idea how it hurts me to see you this way.”
I see he even smiles and looks at me again. He raises one eyebrow, skeptical. He releases another sig while he looks up, trying to grab some air.
“I don’t want to make people bored after my problems, I am this way.”
“But I want to hear you; they are also my problems” I stop after I watch him abruptly coming to a stop, paying too much attention to my taste at my words and gestures. I am afraid I have scared him; maybe I am going too fast with this “Well... I would like to be it if you want it...”
“Do you want me to give you more problems than what you might have already?”
“You have earned more problems because of me. It is the Fer issue, there are also my parents and your job; also making your divorce more complicated...” and I start numbering every problem with my fingers.
“OK, fare well” he interrupts me and I see an honest smile “What do you want to know?”
“How do you feel for real?”
He stares once more at the floor while we walk next to the Natural museum.
“Bad. It is like... it is like I have been wasting the last eleven years of my life with someone who only cared about the money after what I am watching in the negotiations. And I realize I knew since the beginning that I shouldn’t get married and, I did it even though. But... now we have a daughter in common. And I hate everybody recalls me that to stablish next that I should try it again, that it is not good for my daughter to break our family. But they don’t see it was never a family but a contract of interests, something I don’t want to teach Noelia while she grows up. I rather to teach her that sometimes you have to make difficult decisions no matter the consequences.”
He said everything in a single sentence. It is like he needs to say it fast to make sure nothing will hold inside. He doesn’t raise his sight from the floor; I can tell it is not easy for him to talk about the theme. But I am glad he trusted me those; I feel sad at the same time for how bad he is having but, I am relief for helping him to left off some steam at least.
“I think you are doing well. If there is no love, it is better to prevent kids to grow in that environment.”
“I was thinking about something this week” and he watches me sidelong “I don’t want you to overwhelm about this, this is not very important actually... but, thinking of the fact I don’t want Noelia to grow up having the idea that a marriage had to be the way Claudia and I were, without love, only concerning about financial comfort, I realized I would like for Noelia to know what really means to be happy next to someone” he stops and interlocks his hands with my hands “I believe that, if she watches us, she would be able to understand the difference between one thing and the other.”
I can only stares at him amazed for what he just said. He is happy... with me?
“At the beginning everything is nice; I imagine things are twisted with the time...”
“No, I do not refer at having the regular couples’ troubles. You solve those situations by talking and you keep going. But I never laugh with Claudia, I never stared at her goofy while she ate, neather I felt as happy as I do when I am with you. Even before this time, watching you in the firm or having a brief conversation with you made me happy. I have always been happy next to you even without having a relationship. I was never happy with Claudia, not a single day. And now that I know what happiness means, I realize that situation. That is why I feel worst about the divorce. But I decided I won’t lose more time in my life anymore.”
I am not capable of pronouncing a single word. I mean it, I have to practice more, been with Jorge makes me lose my capacities...
“Do you have another question?”
He appears satisfied about himself for dropping all this although, after his expression I know that he also understands he left me without words. The lawyer who leaves the journalist without words. He loves it.
“Are you happy for real?” my unconscious asks partially reticent to believe that Jorge is capable to use a word which seems doesn’t match completely to refer to me.
“Of course I am” and I notice at his voice that the question surprises him. He grabs my face between his hands “You know that I am too serious, sometimes even snob and cold. I was probably that way because I had no idea I could be different. But I love the way I am when you are with me.”
When he finishes speaking, he stares at my eyes few seconds and kisses me. He plays with my lips, with my tongue, passing to my nose and my chin with small kisses. In that moment I feel like the most important person on earth. Precisely because I am with the most important person on earth to me.
We slept peaceful that night, more relaxed, happier. I cuddle between his arms and I closed my eyes. Snow stops falling outside and a gentle rain cover the street. The sound of rain dropping on the window makes me fall asleep finally, while Jorge continues caring my hair and kissing it from time to time.
Absolute happiness exists. And it is to sleep next to him.