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I
t has been a hard week. A very hard week.
We almost couldn’t see each other not to make suspicions in the law firm. I know that Jorge had warned me how hard it would be from now but I am in the middle of the crossfire between them. I liked the quiet life and this was not exactly a calm sea.
My friends don’t know what to do with me anymore. They try to encourage me by dragging me out of the house; they tell me that all this will happen someday, they remind me of the good thing about being with Jorge. And still, I know this is not going well.
In the whole week I have not seen Jorge for a single day and I'm going crazy. It hurts me to know that he is having such a hard time and I can ‘t go freely to his office to hug him no matter who is in front of him. I want to send everything to hell, leaving Salamanca with Jorge wherever we come with a few euros in our pockets and starting from scratch. I told him about it this week on the phone and he laughed at my occurrence, but he was amused and interested enough that he was listing the possible destinations and jobs that we could play in those places. Fritter-maker in Oslo, sheep shearers in the English countryside... The one he liked the most was grape troopers in a French vineyard. The distant and very false illusions of such a life mixed with his laughter, causing us for a moment to see us both together, happy, in some remote French village, with the sun of still summer tanning our skin while the smell of fermented grape filled our senses. We almost managed to make it real in our imagination, but his wife called him on the phone and all the dreams vanished as if in a bitter awakening.
I know that what hurts him the most is that Claudia refuses to let him see Noelia. That is undermining him more than anything else. One day I heard him talk to Daniel about it. "Let her stay with everything, I do not care, I just want to see my daughter," he kept repeating. That day my soul broke. I hated Claudia even more for everything she was doing to him. The girl didn’t deserve all that either. Okay, I always said that I didn’t like that baby but I'm beginning to think that I should give her a try one day. It's Jorge's daughter, if I want to be good with him I'll have to do it. And who knows, I might find her irritating because she was with her mother, nothing more. Maybe being with Jorge is not like that...
On Friday morning I receive at home before leaving to work a bouquet of black roses wrapped in golden paper. I am very surprised at the beginning of that choice of colors, but it is so beautifully decorated and the smell is so intoxicating that I surrender to the beauty of the always elegant black on gold.
I open the card that comes with the bouquet.
«Forcing you to celebrate Valentine's Day from early in the morning. I miss you by my side, princess. Me always with you».
I hug the bouquet so hard that I almost destroyed it. They smell really good, it was a long time since I was fiven roses with this smell so fresh, as freshly cut with drops of dew still on their petals. And I decide that I have to call him to hear his voice before leaving home. I would like at this time to do more than listen to your voice but...
“Jorge Alonso.”
Again I imagine he is with people around.
“I just received them” I announce, ignoring his tone of voice. “They're beautiful!”
“I'm glad” and I notice his smile even through the telephone line.
“But, why those colors?”
“Well, I'll explain it to you at another time” and speaking to someone who should be by his side “Yes right now.”
“Are you with people? I'm sorry; I just wanted to hear you before leaving home...”
“Do not worry; I am in a work meeting. Then we will talk, all right?”
“Okay... And thanks again, I was very excited.”
“Seriously?”
He suddenly adopts an incredulous tone. It clearly refers to the fact I don’t like to celebrate Valentine's Day and I just told him that I was delighted with his detail. But it is true; I don’t know why I got so excited for a simple bouquet of roses. Okay, yes I know. Because Jorge has sent them to me; my lifelong platonic love.
“Yes... You always with me, Jorge...”
He smiles again, I'm sure.
“One moment, please, I am with you right away” he says to the people at the meeting. I hear the sound of a door closing and after a moment, he continues talking to me “You just got me to go out of a super important meeting... You should point this to your list of achievement; nobody has gotten something like this before with me.”
“Well, it was very easy” I say feeling proud and making him laugh with me.
“I want to go to look for you and getaway for the weekend” he whispers.
“Me too.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, silly. I think I'll like to celebrate Valentine's Day from now on.”
“I hope so. Now I have to re-enter, my client has worn an unfriendly face when I left there. But I will see you later, okay?”
“Very well...”
“Me, always with you, princess.”
“You, always with me.”
Today we’ll meet at my house before Marta left with Agus, and I with Jorge for a romantic weekend. My weekend has been delayed a few hours, of course, something I knew was going to happen from the minute one of having planned the trip. Jorge was finishing all the paperwork and he called me at noon to tell me that we would have to leave at night, that he would call me before leaving the office to be ready.
Paula has decided that she has to learn to make more cocktails than those of Ávila and we have to try each and every one of them until they get it right. But anyway; anything for a friend, right? So she brings all the equipment to my house, where she started to prepare us strange cocktails while she told us in which movie each one showed up or what actor likes to drink it.
It's eight in the afternoon and Jorge has not called me yet. I take the opportunity to complain between cocktail shakers, talking about how bad Jorge is because he can’t see Noelia and how guilty and impotent I feel sometimes because I don’t know what to do to make him feel better.
They look at each other in that instant and look down.
“What happens?”
Paula is the first who dares to talk to me about what seems they have been thinking for some time.
“Laura... Even if he is a good boy, this situation is surpassing you.”
“But this is not going to last forever. Some day that bitch will sign.”
They keep looking at me and now I see some pity even.
“Laura, sweetie” Marta says in a sweet and understanding tone “it's almost easier for Jorge to surrender and come back with her. That girl is not going to sign anything.”
“Jorge wouldn’t do that!”
How they dare to say something like that about him?
“You know Jorge likes us, but this has nothing to do with you two. It is a situation that you cannot control.”
“You see, Claudia wants to ruin him literally and she wants him not to see his daughter again” Paula intervenes again “And let's be honest, Lau... Who do you think Jorge is going to choose, his daughter or you?”
I remain silent. I think that more than silent, terror paralyzes me. It's something I've been thinking about for some time, but it has only made me react when I heard it spoken by another person. They're right, he would never choose me and Claudia knows it, that's why she doesn’t let him see Noelia. It is the only weak point that Jorge can have. Money doesn’t matter; he just asks to see Noelia. But I can’t blame him, it's normal. It's his daughter; any father would do the same.
And I realize that Claudia and my mother were right deep down. I'm getting in the middle and making him suffer. He may be trying to make this work, but someone has to be realistic. This is getting out of hand. I don’t want to leave him, of course, only if we can do something to make this situation better. Something that has not come to our minds until now. Things are still not bad enough to make such a drastic decision.
“You're right, I have to go talk to him.”
I get up and look at the clock. At this time he will still be at the firm, if not, he would have called me.
“Now?” they ask me “Wait until he calls you; you're going to travel shortly, don’t you?”
“I'm going to look for him to the firm, at this time there will be almost no people.”
I feel the need to leave almost running from there without giving further explanations. It's as if the words I have to say will burn in my throat.
“You can close the door when you leave. I'm going to look for him, I can’t wait...”
“Oh Lau, you're too attached...”
Paula's tone is extremely condescending, even plaintive. I shrug my shoulders without being able to deny it. I'm in love with him to the core. It's something I feel for the first time in my life and it baffles me, but at the same time it makes me feel more alive than ever.
I get to the firm when it's not yet nine o'clock and most of the people are already gone. It is strange to see all this so quiet, without the hustle and bustle of the day or the comings and goings of hundreds of people passing through here dressed, worried, happy or crestfallen. Each one with a story, maybe some more tragic than Jorge's and mine, of course. But at this moment the only one that matters to me is ours.
I go up to the first floor and I see the door of his office ajar. And I hear that he is with someone, so I sharpen the ear trying to know with whom. Jorge is talking at this moment, to which I listen with heartbreaking clarity.
“Don't tell me that, Daniel...”
I know I shouldn’t hear this conversation but I can’t move. His tremendously broken tone has paralyzed me and I am very still behind the door of his office.
“Jorge, they have given me the tip-off knowing that they will ruin if they find out that we have been told, so please, just for that reason...”
I hear a loud bang on the table.
“Please calm down” Daniel says “and try to understand.”
“What do I have to understand, Daniel, what do I have to understand! My wife has put me a detective to be able to say that I am a bad father! What do you want me to understand?”
“We already know how Claudia is like. She will not stop until she sees that Laura and you are not together. Understand that if you go to the judge saying that you are with the daughter of your bosses, ten years younger than you... It will not be seen with a good eye.”
And I begin to understand what I will to have to do... I have known it as soon as my heart has been paralyzed and I have noticed a strong whiplash in the head, which I suspect has appeared to not disappear in a long time.
“But if even in the buffet they do not know anything, we hardly even see each other for Claudia to leave this insane persecution...”
“You know very well that it does not matter to her. Proof of this is that she had hired a detective and now she can create problems. I have been asking you for weeks to attend reasons and you have not wanted to listen to me. Try to understand it, you have to leave Laura, there is no choice.”
“But I cannot, Daniel, no... I cannot...”
“Jorge, this is so simple: If you stop dating Laura, Claudia signs for sure, you go back to see your daughter and then you can look for some other pretty girl. Fuck, Jorge, this is just for girl!”
The sound of papers falling to the ground, I hear. My heart has also fallen and I believe that someone has trampled it until it is scattered at my feet, unrecognizable.
“Calm down...” Daniel seems scared.
“I do not plan to calm down! Laura is not a pretty girl, she is...” he pauses endlessly “I cannot, I cannot... I cannot...”
My soul is breaking, his voice breaks with every word he says and my pulse, instead of accelerating, slows down, like a prey to which its predator will hunt, preparing to die with the least possible pain. The minimum in this case is going to be too much.
“Well, you have known for some time that there is no other solution. You are engaged in something that cannot be. Jorge, react once for all.”
“I need Laura, Daniel...” his voice is pleading “She stabilizes me, makes me be someone I did not think I could be. I cannot live without her.”
I hear Daniel sigh.
Silence.
Sigh.
Drowned sob and a new blow, this time lighter, on the table.
“Damn Jorge... No...”
There is silence again. What is happening in there?
“I cannot, really, I cannot...”
“Think about it. Tell Laura it is the best, that you will see yourself in a while, I don’t know, something.”
“She does not deserve that, Daniel; I am not going to lose her too.”
“You have not lost your daughter. Leave Laura and you can be with her again, it's as simple as that.”
Here is the final decision. He will have to choose between her or me someday. And every second that passes, I feel that I breathe inhaling less oxygen; Lung capacity is practically reduced to zero.
“That is the worst thing that could happen to me, not the simplest thing” and he pauses “You do not understand, leave it.”
“As a lawyer and friend, I tell you: leave Laura, recover your daughter, divorce Claudia from a fucking time and start from scratch. Seriously, there are many girls out there; you will not have a problem finding another one. If Claudia does not sign before your father... Well, there are going to be many more problems and you know it.”
And again his father. What's wrong with his father?
“I am a lawyer and I am not even able to get my divorce resolved in a normal way...”
“Because you insist on not paying attention to me and that way we do not go anywhere. You know what you have to do. You in my place would be telling me exactly the same thing. Jorge, react or I won’t take care of how can finish all this.”
“Daniel, off you go, please” his voice sounds calm but shattered to the end “See you tomorrow.”
I hurry to go to the couch in the entrance to pretend that I have not really heard anything but I leave my soul on the way, trampled with my heart in the entrance of that office that I will not be able to see again in the same way. Maybe I cannot even see it again.
Daniel goes to the door and closes behind him, leaving Jorge alone. At that moment he sees me sitting there. He opens his eyes with surprise and approaches me, fearing that I have heard him trying to convince Jorge to leave me.
“Laura... I... Have you been here a long time?”
He seems embarrassed when he sits next to me and asks me in a low voice.
“Enough.”
I don’t know what to say. I can’t blame Daniel either. What he has said is true, it is his friend and his lawyer, and he only seeks what is best for him. Same as I have to do, even if Jorge does not want to.
“I like you” he explains, trying to justify himself “I'm serious. I think you're an amazing girl. I also think that Jorge and you make a good couple, but...”
“I know, I mean it. I know why you've told him all that; do not worry.”
I try to smile the best I can. He squeezes my shoulder and understands what I'm thinking at this moment.
“He is not going to ever leave you.”
“I know.”
Daniel nods. I look up at the ceiling to try not to cry; I urgently need to stop talking about this with him or I will not be able to enter the office to talk to Jorge.
“Try by all means to sink that bitch since tomorrow” I say with all the anger I can muster.
“I assure you I will.”
“Jorge will be able to see Noelia again if...?”
He nods once again and I duck my head, repressing a sob and swallowing hardly.
“Please” I ask, getting up from the couch, followed by Daniel “never tell him what I'm going to do, and even less why.”
Daniel looks at me surprised. At first he seems not to fully understand my motives but he slowly assent again, sealing the promise.
“I now understand why Jorge did not want to lose you.”
He gives me one last quick glance shaking his head and addressing his steps toward the elevator, leaving me alone. And I have never felt as lonely as I am now. Alone, in front of Jorge's office. I have to do it, I know what I have to do but I do not know if I will be able to do it.
Suddenly the atmosphere is charged in such a way that it is difficult for me to breathe. The gray, white and black shades of the firm are blurred and it seems that the London pseudomyst has been installed in the room. I have to take a breath several times before I can move and go forward Jorge's office for the last time.
I unconsciously press the pendant that he has given me for Christmas. I have not taken it off since then but for what I am going to do next I cannot wear it. I take it off, kiss it as if it were the same Jorge and keep it carefully in the pocket of my pants.
All the memories come to mind from the beginning and seem to embed themselves in my throat, not letting me breathe normally. The day we were introduced each other, almost fourteen years ago. Every time I passed by here to see my parents and he greeted me from a distance, distant and elusive, without stopping for more than a few seconds to look at me. I remember... I remember when he attended me last year in his office for the Himalaya case. And those involuntary frictions that made me so nervous began. His penetrating gaze, his imperturbable face...
I rub the doorknob of the door of the office and like in a macabre projection came to my mind images of the Christmas party: his confession, his attempt to approach me. And then Paris and the Pont Alexandre III, his caresses, his half smile, his blazing but warm kisses, his way of calling me princess, his comforting hugs... I would give anything for a last hug, a final goodbye kiss.
And I try to remember which was that last hug or that last kiss, so that my mind can wallow in the pain in a gloomy way. Maybe it was in the car, when we came back from Ávila. Yes, it was almost a week ago. A normal day, a quick kiss and a caress that didn’t matter at the time. I couldn’t imagine that it would be the last of his caresses. I touch that same cheek on which Jorge has rested his hand so many times these last three months and seems to sting me even. I still feel the soft brush of his skin on mine and a painful chill runs up and down me. Soon I will not feel anything, there will only be emptiness that will fill my days.
What am I going to do without him? I'm short of breath just thinking about it. As soon as I leave that office I know that he will not want to know anything else about me in my whole life. I have to make him believe that I don’t care. If not, he is never going to leave me. And I can’t bear that guilt; Someday he would throw it in my face, he would be unhappy without his daughter, or both. Fate played against us and wanted our lives to come together when it was too late.
Damn destiny... For us, love has not been enough...
I take a deep breath and open the door. I see him on the floor, picking up the papers he must have thrown a moment ago. He turns to me as soon as he hears the door open. He has the rigid gesture, with his forehead wrinkled and I see that his green eyes shine in a special way, they look like crystals about to break.
When he sees me, he relaxes a little and it seems that some color returns to his cheeks. Those eyelashes that flutter as soon as their eyes alight on me seem to clear certain ghosts that inhabit their pupils at the present moment, after his conversation with Daniel.
“Princess, what are you doing here? I was going to call you now to go look for you” he gets up and comes toward me but I move away from him with a slight movement “What's the matter with you? And my kiss?” he says, smiling at me, as if he thinks I'm kidding.
“What is all this?” I ask looking at the papers.
“This? Eh... nothing, I have led them fall before. I am a little clumsy, you know.”
No, he will never leave me.
It is then when he notices that I don’t wear his pendant and his gesture changes. He looks at me strangely, holding his breath.
“...and the pendant...?”
And I release the phrase.
“Jorge, we have to talk.”
He stares at me, trying to understand the reason for that hackneyed phrase that never brings anything good.
“Sit down” I ask, sitting down on one of the chairs at his table.
He obeys automatically and sits in the next chair without saying anything. I catch air. If I was a believer, I would now ask some God to forgive me for what I am going to do.
“Look... I... I do not see this.”
“What you do not see? -And leans his head while all the muscles of his body seem to tense at the same time.
“Well, this, what we have. Me like that... well no.”
“Well, no? No what? Laura, what's wrong?”
“Let’s see, there are many problems and you know that I like the tranquility. This is a mess that I have not even looked for. And I'm tired.”
Jorge leans back in the chair and clings to the armrests as if he needed a fulcrum to remain standing after my confession. I think he cannot believe that I am telling him this and he looks at me in astonishment, driving his pupils intensely into my whole being.
“But... but Lau... I'm trying...”
“Yeah, well, but trying is not enough. And hey, I'm young and I want to live a little my life, not be all day with divorces, with little girls from here to there...”
He re-joins forward without letting go of the chair, trying to reach me and avoiding falling into an imaginary void that now stalks us both.
“Lau... please, listen to me... Tell me what I can do to make you stay with me, please.”
His voice is a plea that scratches my insides. Why don’t you make it easier for me and you just piss at me?
I cannot cry I have to hold on. But I'm tearing him apart... What if I tell him we just don’t see each other until his divorce is over? No, we would end up trying to see each other in some way and Claudia would find out. There is no other option.
“Nothing, you cannot do anything. Not to have married, what do you want me to tell you? Now solve your problems, I'm tired of been forced to deal with your bad times. And it's not worth it, honestly...”
Jorge looks at me incredulously, as if he doesn’t recognize me. He doesn’t even dare to move. He moves his head from side to side slightly.
“Laura, please, do not do this to me, do not leave me... I will find a way to...”
“To do what” I interrupt him getting up from there. I can’t do it anymore; from one moment to the next I’ll start crying. Jorge doesn’t move from his chair “Look, no, it's not worth it. You're hot and those things, but what did you expect? I am thirty years old, single and without family responsibilities. You already have almost forty, in full divorce and with a daughter. It's over.”
I notice that even his green eyes pale when I pronounce my final sentence. I turn around and grab the doorknob to flee before I regret my decision.
“Laura” and although he calls me, I can’t turn anymore “are you not in love with me anymore? He says almost breathlessly.
A tear begins to fall down my cheek while my heart lets the reason choose the final words that Jorge will hear me say.
“I have never been, Jorge, how could I have been?”
Silence. Overwhelming and heavy silence that cools the room until it becomes unbearable to even breathe. Empty silence of life. I contradict Galeano and challenge him to feel for a fraction of a second this silence in his own flesh and repeats that this is never empty. My heart has stopped completely but it does not matter anymore, I will never need it again.
I turn the knob and leave, leaving the love of my life torn behind me.
I keep walking until I get home, crossing all Salamanca almost in darkness. I can’t stop crying even if I try. I have a lump in my throat that doesn’t let me even breathe. His look, horrified by everything I have told him and his broken voice, are still deep inside me. It hurts to think of those lost eyes which couldn’t understand why I wanted to hurt them as much as I did. But I can’t stop seeing them, look where I look. They are going to hunt me for life. And after what I've done, it seems like a poor penance that I never want to get rid of.
Why do people continue with their lives? Why here and there are people walking, going to meet friends and loved ones, coming home after work? The world should have stopped a while ago, in that office next to Jorge. Or rather so far from him that almost in the end I could not even distinguish him clearly. Why do people keep smiling? Do they not know that their happiness is the result of randomness, momentary, and that at any moment it will be taken away, no matter how much they think it belongs to them in some way? It is not worth pursuing elusive happiness. It is not worthwhile anymore desire to feel it if I have to do it away from him.
I need Jorge in my life, I need him so much... And yet... I just got him out of it forever. After what I have told him today, in a while he will even hate me, if he is not already doing it. I won’t be able to forgive myself ever. But what other option did I have? He would have never left me, he would have lost his daughter and...
... but what have I done?
In the distance I hear that it begins to thunder. A storm is prepared in Salamanca and I am again in this empty house without Jorge. Never more with him.
Sometimes love is precisely this. Doing harm so that the other person can be happy. I know Jorge will be happy one day without me. He will have his daughter; he can rebuild his life with another woman. And me...
As much as he hates me, I will still love him.
How couldn’t I have been in love?