-HINDLEY-
I tried to speak but my mouth was so dry, my tongue was stuck. My throat felt like someone had scrubbed it with sandpaper. I turned my head and a stabbing pain shot through my temples. It felt like the worst hangover of my life.
Where the hell was I? I pried my eyes open, searching my surroundings, unable to focus on anything. I smiled, thinking of the first morning I’d woken up next to Rory.
Rory.
I reached out to push my body up but searing pain shot through my arm. I glanced down and saw my left arm was wrapped in some kind of bandage.
“Ow,” I moaned, falling back into the mattress.
“Hindley.” Someone lunged toward me from the corner of the room.
“No,” I yelled, recoiling. Pain shot up both arms but I ignored it. I tucked my knees to my chest, preparing to fight back. He wouldn’t hurt me again. I wouldn’t let him. “No more,” I screamed.
“Shhh,” the voice said. “It’s all right. You’re safe, it’s me, Rory.” His gorgeous face emerged from the shadows.
“Rory,” I whispered in disbelief.
“Yeah, babe. It’s me.”
My Skater Boy.
He smiled, his blue eyes shining.
I was safe. And he was here.
Stubble littered his jaw and his hair stood on end, as if he’d been yanking on it. My eyes drifted lower and I noticed his shirt was wrinkled, like he’d been sleeping in it. All in all, he looked like a hot mess, but he was still the most gorgeous man I’d ever seen. He took my breath away, just like the first morning I saw him lying in my bed.
He wiped a stray hair from my face, leaning in close as his lips pressed gently against mine.
I drew in a deep breath, reveling in the familiar scent of the man I loved.
He pulled away, staring down at me. “Welcome back, Drunk Girl.”
“You came,” I whispered.
“I did,” he said, stroking my jaw. “And I’ll never leave you again.”
I smiled and closed my eyes, feeling safe for the first time in my life.
“Check!” Paul shouted triumphantly.
I studied the chessboard, smiling.
“What?” He searched the pieces, looking for my game ending move.
I slid my queen into position, unable to hold back my laughter. “Check mate.” I giggled.
“Ah, shit, Hindley. How the hell do you do that every time?”
I shrugged. “I had a good teacher.”
Paul laughed as he gathered the pieces and put them in the box. “Obviously, too good of a teacher.”
I studied the man sitting before me. He was perfect in every way that mattered. And he’d always considered me his own daughter. Why hadn’t I ever treated him like the father he was to me?
I folded up the board and passed it to him. Moving my arm still hurt like crap, but I was tired of everyone doing everything for me.
Working with a psychotherapist and a psychiatrist while I’d been in the hospital made me realize just how poorly I’d been handling the relationships in my life, or rather avoiding the relationships in my life. I pushed away everyone who dared get close. If I was ever going to survive long-term, I needed to make some changes. Starting now.
“Hey, Paul. I need to talk to you. If you have time.”
“For you, Hinny Bin, I have all the time in the world.” And that was why I loved Paul Barton. He would do anything for me. He deserved the same, and more from me.
“Will you come sit back down?” I patted the spot beside me on the bed.
He gently sat beside me, his brows furrowed. “Did I do something?”
“No.” I chuckled. “It’s me. I’ve done something, or rather it’s something I haven’t done.”
His eyes narrowed as he studied me.
How could I start this conversation?
With honesty and love, from the beginning.
“I’ve been talking to a therapist since I’ve been here,” I said quietly. “I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry.”
He tilted his head and stared at me in confusion. “Why?”
“Ever since I’ve known you, Paul, you’ve done nothing but support me, love me, and nurture me, as if I were your own flesh and blood.” I took a deep breath and pushed on. “And in all that time, I’ve held you at arm’s length, never letting you in.”
“Hindley, that’s not—”
I held up my hand. “Let me finish.” My voice quivered, but it was important—for me and for him—that I tell Paul everything. “I think in the beginning, when you first married my mom, I thought you were too good to be true. I held my breath those first few years, waiting for you to leave, waiting for you to realize how messed up my mom and I were.”
He opened his mouth to speak again.
I narrowed my eyes in warning.
He snapped it shut.
“All these years you’ve always introduced me as your daughter, but I was quick to correct people, wanting them to know you were my stepfather, not my biological father. I don’t know why I did that. I’m sure it has something to do with the fact that I never met my real father, but I’m working on figuring it all out.”
“It’s okay, sweetheart. You know that,” he said, tears welling up in his eyes.
My own eyes burned. “I want you to know that even though I kept you at arm’s length, you’ve always been here,” I patted my chest, “in my heart.” Tears slid down my cheeks despite my protests. “You’ve always been a father to me, Paul.” I punched out the words through the emotion welling up inside. “And I know that no matter what happens between you and my mom, you’ll always be there for me.”
“Hindley.” His voice cracked. “You know I will.”
“I know that now. I’ve probably always known it, but I tried to be three steps ahead of every situation in life so I could protect myself. I didn’t want anyone to hurt me, and I thought the way to do that was to distance myself, even though all I really craved was unconditional love.”
I glanced down at my interwoven fingers. My heart beat out of my chest. I was learning that trust and unconditional love went hand in hand. I had to trust Paul if I truly wanted to experience both in my life.
Dragging in a ragged breath, I lifted my head and stared into his bright blue eyes. “You’ve always given that to me, Paul. Unconditional love. You’ve always made me feel safe, secure, and special, like I could do anything. And all I’ve done is kept you guessing about how I really feel about you.”
“Hindley, that’s not true. I’ve always felt your love.” His eyes darted between mine as if fearing I may break.
“I love you, Paul, more than you know, more than I knew. Well, actually, I knew it, I was just afraid to admit it, afraid to let you in. Afraid you would leave me,” I whispered on a sob.
He grasped my shoulders as if he were trying to keep me from floating away. “I would never leave you, Hindley. You have to know that.”
I nodded. “I do, I always have. I just wouldn’t let myself believe it.”
He pulled back and stared at me. “And now?”
“Now?” I repeated. “Now I do, Paul. I don’t want to push you away anymore.”
“Hindley, I’ve honestly never felt you push me away. I’ve known from the start you were afraid to be hurt. You’ve put distance between everyone you’ve loved, even your mother.”
I nodded. He was right and I would have to have a long talk with my mother next.
“The only person I’ve ever seen you let all the way in was Rory,” Paul said. “You’ve told him everything.”
“Except about the cutting.”
“And you would have told him about that eventually, I’m sure. But you let him into your heart, and you were happy for the first time, ever. I mean, truly happy. And that’s why it hurt so much when you thought he betrayed you, right?”
I nodded as tears rolled down my face.
He pulled me close against his chest, allowing me the freedom and comfort to release all my guilt and shame.
My chest heaved with uncontrollable sobs. It was the first time I’d ever let him truly comfort me, let anyone. The weight of unburdening my soul, of being taken care of by him was surreal. I fought the urge to chastise myself for not letting him do it all along.
When my weeping subsided, I slowly pushed away. I dabbed at my eyes with the sheet and dragged it across my nose, trying to muster the courage for what I wanted to ask him. “There’s something else,” I said. “Something I want to ask you.”
“Anything, Hindley, you can ask me anything, you know that.”
I studied his face, relieved to see that familiar expression of unconditional love staring back at me.
“In all these years, you’ve been a real father to me, in my heart, even if I didn’t acknowledge that to you or anyone else. That’s what I’m most sorry for, for not letting you know how I really felt about our relationship.”
“Hindley, you don’t—”
I held up my hand.
He nodded in understanding. “Sorry.”
“Paul, you are my father, in every way a man can be. You’ve supported me financially, physically, and emotionally. You’ve encouraged me to do more than I ever dreamed I could.” My voice wavered but I willed myself the strength to continue. “Your faith and confidence in me has helped make me the person I am today. Every good thing in my life started with you.”
Tears welled in his eyes and spilled down his face. Mine came soon after. We reached for each other, clinging to one another for dear life.
This was the relief I needed, the respite from my pain, being here in Paul’s arms. This felt better than cutting, better than anything that I once thought might alleviate my emotional pain. I smiled, realizing I was already finding new ways to cope with my issues. Tears were good. Honesty was important.
We finally pulled away and I drew in a ragged breath to steady my voice.
“You’ve taken care of me and my mom all these years,” I said. “You’ve spent thousands of dollars to keep the news of those videos hidden. And you’ve spent thousands more on plastic surgery to hide the scars of my past. You’ve given me so much, I could never repay you.”
“Hindley, you don’t have to repay—”
I held up my hand again and cocked a brow.
“Sorry.”
I smiled, grasping his hands and pulling them into my lap. “What I want to ask you is…” Why was I suddenly so nervous?
“Go ahead.” He smiled.
“I want to call you Dad from now on. Not Paul. Just Dad. Because that’s what you are to me, and what you’ll always be. I know you’ll never leave me and that’s what I want. That’s what I need. I need a Dad. I need you.”
He released my hands and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, squeezing so tight I could barely breathe. But I didn’t care. I needed him, and I wanted him to know just how much.
“Hindley,” he sobbed. “God, I love you so much, sweetheart. I’ve always been your father, you have to know that.”
I nodded against his shoulder. “I know, I just wanted you to know that I know it now.”
“I have known, Hindley,” he whispered, rubbing my back, soothing me like only a father could. “I’ve always felt your love.”
“Guess what!” My mother’s voice sang out as she rounded the corner of my room. “Oh, dear God. What’s happened?”
My eyes flew open and I saw the panic in hers. “Nothing, Mom. It’s all good,” I said, never leaving Paul’s embrace. My dad’s embrace.
My mother tiptoed over to the bed as if her every move might disturb a sleeping baby. “Is everything all right?”
I lifted an arm, motioning for her to join us and she happily leaned over the bed, taking my father and me into her grip. The three of us remained locked in one another’s arms for what seemed like an eternity, making up for lost time, supporting each other in our silence.
“I love you, Mom,” I whispered against her hair.
“Oh, Hindley, darling, I love you too, sweetheart.” She turned her head and kissed my cheek.
We all drew back from one another, our faces stained with tears.
She clutched my chin in her hand. “You know there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. Nothing.”
“I know, Mom, and I’m sorry.”
“For what, darling?” She brushed away the tears from my face.
“For not treating you better. For making you feel like you were a nuisance in my life.”
She laughed, rolling her eyes. “You’re a woman.”
“I guess, somewhere along the way, I felt pushed out of your life by Paul, then by Geneva,” I said.
“Hindley,” she scolded.
“I know, I know. It wasn’t true, but it felt that way. I convinced myself over the years that I didn’t care. I didn’t care that we were growing apart, that Geneva needed you more than I did. I let you go. And I’m sorry.”
“Oh, God, Hindley, no. I’ve always loved you so much, baby.” She pulled me in close. “It’s been me and you from the start, you know that. You mean so much to me and I’m so proud of you.” She rocked us back and forth.
I smiled against her shoulder. She was proud of me.
“I’ve always been intimidated by you,” she said, pushing me away to look at me. “You’re so smart and beautiful and brave. All the things I’m not. It seemed like after I married Paul, you didn’t need me.”
I stared at her in shock.
“It’s true.” She nodded. “When a baby grows up and doesn’t need her mother anymore, something breaks inside.” She tapped her chest. “Something broke inside of me, but I knew I had to let you go.”
“I know,” I whispered. “I didn’t let you see how hurt I was. I acted brave, like it didn’t matter, and that was my fault. But I do, I do need you, Mom. Now more than ever. And I need Dad.”
She reared back, her brows knitting together. “Dad?”
I nodded toward Paul.
His face lit up like a Christmas tree as he nodded in confirmation.
“Dad,” she repeated with a grin, winking at Paul.
She slid her arms around both of us and we returned her hug. Our group embrace was filled with something I’d longed for my whole life but never realized I had the entire time. Unconditional love.
“Did I come at a bad time?” The doctor stood in the doorway.
“No, no.” I broke our embrace, and my mom and dad stepped aside.
Wow. Dad. It sounded so… right—more than right. It sounded perfect.
The doctor stared between the three of us, his once jovial mood evaporating.
“What is it?” I asked.
“I’ve talked to the attending psychiatrist and your psychotherapist and it sounds like you’re making remarkable progress, Hindley.”
I nodded. I did feel better, better than I had in a long time.
“And, judging by the scenario I just saw in front of me, I’d say you’re well on your way to finding coping skills that work for you.”
I looked between my mom and dad and nodded again.
“Your wounds are healing nicely and you seem to be on track with your therapy. I don’t see why we can’t release you tomorrow morning.”
“Really?” I asked. “Oh, Dr. Saunders, that would be so great.”
“As long as you schedule follow-up appointments with all your doctors, including your wound care specialist. I don’t want those wounds to get infected.”
Instinctively, I touched the bandage still covering my forearm.
Don’t go there. I reminded myself.
I nodded my head. “Yes, absolutely, I can do that.”
“I’ll make sure of it,” a deep voice rang through the room.
Rory stood in the doorway, his arms full of flowers and his hands holding two giant Hello Kitty balloons.
I burst into a fit of laughter.
“Looks like someone bought out the whole gift shop.” The doctor chuckled.
“Oh, these aren’t in the gift shop, Doc. These are specialty items.” Rory’s beautiful blue eyes swept over me as he winked and gave me a mischievous smile.
I waggled both brows and silently mouthed, “very special.” His face lit up with the biggest panty-dropping smile I’d ever seen on his beautiful face. God, I loved this man. And I needed him.
He came over and deposited all the flowers on the bedside table.
My breath caught at the sight of him.
Although worn and weary, he was still the most handsome man I’d ever seen.
His smile lit me on fire.
He tied the balloons to the bed railing before leaning down to brush his lips against my cheek.
The connection sent shivers down to my toes.
“These are to remind you that I want to see your hello kitty soon,” he whispered in my ear.
I closed my eyes, pressing my legs together for relief, hoping no one would see the desire coursing through my body at his words. Slowly, I lifted my lashes to find his smoldering gaze on me.
Those sky blue eyes said more in that moment than a million words could have. In Rory I’d also found the unconditional love I’d longed for my whole life. He silently reassured me that despite my past, he would always take care of me. We would take care of each other.
We still hadn’t talked about everything that had happened between us. Part of me feared I’d pushed him too far and we’d never get back what we’d had before. But judging by his expression now, I’d say he was just as in love with me as ever before, maybe even more so.
“I mean it, Hindley,” the doctor cautioned. “Every appointment.”
“I’ll make sure, Doc,” Rory answered, never taking his eyes off mine.
I looked at him like he’d sprouted a third eye. “How? You’ll be in California.”
He nudged my hip, and I scooted over so his large frame could squeeze in beside me. He reached out and stroked my face.
I held my breath, afraid of what he was going to say.
“Hindley Hagen, if you think I’m ever leaving you again, you are sorely mistaken,” he said.
My gaze moved from Rory over to my mom and dad.
They were standing arm in arm with shit-eating grins on their faces.
Something had happened between the three of them when I’d been unconscious. I wasn’t sure what it was, but without a doubt, my parents were totally okay with me being left in Rory’s care. The realization made every cell in my body sing with joy. The shackles that had once kept me prisoner to my past were breaking free, one by one.
“Well, all right then.” The doctor looked from me back to Rory. “I’ll be back in the morning to fill out the paperwork. In the meantime, I’d like to get you off these sleeping pills. Do you want to try on your own tonight?”
Fear gripped me. What if I sunk into the dark abyss all over again?
Rory twisted around, taking me into his arms. “I’ll be right here with you,” he whispered in my ear.
“You don’t have to. I can do it on my own.”
He raised an eyebrow.
He was right. I needed him and there was no shame in admitting it. “You don’t mind?”
“What part of ‘I’m not leaving you again’ did you not understand, baby?”
I was overcome with joy and adoration. It was freeing to admit I needed help, especially when someone as beautiful and loving as Rory Gregor was the one offering it.
“I love you, Rory,” I admitted shamelessly to all those present in the room. It was the first time I’d told him in weeks, and the only time I’d said it in front of others.
He leaned back ever so slightly as if he couldn’t believe my words.
“What? I do love you.” I didn’t care who was around. I wanted everyone in the entire hospital to know it. “I love you, Rory Gregor!” I shouted at the top of my lungs. “And I need you.”
The room erupted in thunderous laughter and I couldn’t help but join in.
The doctor patted my leg. “Normally, I might be concerned by that type of outburst, Hindley. But for you, I think it speaks volumes. Literally,” he added.
We all laughed even louder.
God, it felt good. Good to laugh, good to love, good to be loved. Especially by myself.