Fourteen Months Earlier
Gramps left detailed written instructions with Auntie Louise – the oldest daughter by twelve minutes – about what he wanted for his funeral. He’d insisted the envelope only be opened on his death so neither Auntie Louise nor Mum knew what to expect. Most of his requests were fairly traditional including a service at Whitsborough Bay crematorium and for his ashes to be scattered among the trees at Meadowcroft, just like Nanna’s had been. He listed the songs to be played before and after the service and provided a poem to be read out, but his overriding wish was a surprise. He wanted those he loved to celebrate his life rather than mourn his death and he therefore banned black, asking that everyone wear his favourite colour blue instead, in a shade or quantity of their choosing.
I bought a cornflower-blue calf-length wraparound dress especially for the occasion.
‘What the hell are you wearing?’ Mum cried, eyes widening as I walked into the kitchen ten minutes before the funeral car was due.
I misinterpreted her tone as shock at seeing me out of jeans. ‘A dress. I know. It’s been a long time…’
Her jaw tightened. ‘I can see that it’s a dress. What I’m questioning is the colour.’
‘It’s blue like Gramps wanted.’
‘Where’s your respect, Samantha? It’s a funeral.’
Dressed all in black, she stormed past me and into the lounge, slamming the door shut behind her.
‘What was that all about?’ Dad asked pulling on his navy suit jacket as he stepped into the kitchen.
‘I’m wearing the wrong colour,’ I muttered.
He frowned. ‘But the dress code is blue and any shade goes.’
‘Not this one, it seems.’
When the funeral limousine arrived, the three of us piled in and sat in uncomfortable silence.
A few minutes later, we picked up Auntie Louise, Uncle Simon and Chloe, all of whom were wearing blue.
‘You look amazing, Chloe,’ Mum gushed as Chloe sat beside her wearing a short, lacy powder blue dress. ‘That dress is so pretty. Your Gramps would be so proud of you.’
‘I miss him so much,’ Chloe said.
‘So do I, sweetheart.’ Mum took her hand and held it all the way to Whitsborough Bay Crematorium. Swallowing hard on the constriction in my throat, I turned to look out the window. I would not let her make me cry. It was a celebration for Gramps. No tears.
James met us at the crematorium. He shook hands with Dad and Uncle Simon, then kissed Mum and Auntie Louise on the cheek, expressing his condolences for their loss. He did the same to Chloe and I didn’t miss him lingering a little longer than necessary, or her looking at him with longing in her eyes when he stepped away and took hold of my hand.
When I shuffled into the front row pew beside James, I didn’t miss how closely Chloe sat against his other side, despite there being plenty of room to spread out.
I didn’t miss how, when he handed her a tissue, their fingers brushed and they exchanged gentle smiles.
And I didn’t miss the sparks flying between them throughout the wake. The smouldering looks across the room. The discreet touches. The whispers. The laughter.
Gramps’s final words to me echoed round my mind. I had to let James go. Today.
‘Can I have a quick word?’ I said to James a few hours into the wake. ‘Somewhere quiet.’
‘Are you okay?’ he asked as he followed me out the back of the pub and through the beer garden.
I perched on the edge of the furthest picnic bench, confident that nobody was close enough to overhear us. James sat down opposite me.
I steepled my fingers against my lips as I mustered the strength to say the words. ‘Remember what we agreed at Hannah and Toby’s wedding? That we weren’t each other’s forever but we were happy to continue until our forever came along?’
‘You’ve met someone else?’ The hopeful expression in his eyes was crushing, yet it also spurred me on.
I shook my head and placed my hands on the table. ‘No. Bit preoccupied at the moment.’
‘Of course. Sorry. I wasn’t thinking.’ He placed his hand over one of mine but I retracted mine. Too intimate.
‘Anyway, it’s been great but I think it’s time we called it a day.’
‘You want to break up?’
No, James, I want you to love me the way I love you! ‘I think it’s for the best. Don’t you?’
He shrugged. ‘If it’s what you really want…’
Of course it isn’t! But I don’t exactly have a choice here. ‘I think it’s what we both need. Give us both a chance to find someone who is our forever. Although I think you might have already found yours.’
Colour flushed his cheeks. ‘Who?’
I rolled my eyes. ‘Chloe. I’m not blind. I saw the instant attraction at Gramps’s birthday party and I’ve seen the way you’ve both been looking at each other today.’
He twiddled with an abandoned beermat, the colour in his cheeks deepening.
‘Maybe you could ask her out?’ I suggested, somehow managing to sound light and casual even though the words were like razor blades slicing my throat.
‘I can’t do that.’ He didn’t raise his eyes. ‘She’s your cousin.’
‘And I want her to be happy.’ I stood up and brushed down the back of my dress. ‘I’m going to say the same to her but maybe it’s more appropriate for tomorrow. I’m going home now.’
‘Sam!’ James called as I headed back towards the pub.
I turned to face him, longing for him to beg me to stay with him yet knowing full well there was no way it would happen.
‘Thanks,’ he said. ‘And you were right. It has been great.’
I nodded and smiled weakly, then turned. Taking a deep calming breath, I stepped back into the pub. ‘I did it, Gramps,’ I whispered. ‘I fulfilled my promise.’
Chloe and I walked arm in arm along the promenade the following morning.
‘I can’t believe you ended it with James yesterday,’ she said, gently squeezing my arm. ‘I thought you two were having fun.’
‘We were, but that was the problem. It was great but it wasn’t going anywhere.’
‘But I thought you were happy with it that way.’
You have no idea! ‘I was but it wasn’t fair on either of us. One of us was going to have to let go sooner or later. I was actually going to end things last month but I couldn’t face the thought of being at Gramps’s birthday party without a plus one. You know what Great-Aunt Agnes is like with me. It would have been all, “No boyfriend again, dear? What’s wrong with you? Can’t hang onto a man?” and you know how much that winds me up. And then Gramps died and, to be honest, I really appreciated James’s support.’
We sat down on a bench overlooking the sea. It was the back end of June and there’d been a warm spell all week. Intermittent wispy clouds painted a dotted line across an otherwise deep blue sky and the sea lapped gently onto the beach below us.
‘I’ve told James he should ask you out.’
‘What? Why would you say that?’ Although Chloe was clearly trying to look and sound surprised, I knew her well enough to know it was fake. James had likely already spoken to her.
‘I’ve seen you together. There’s an attraction between you that’s worth exploring.’
We both sat in silence, looking out at a lone paddle-boarder.
‘I couldn’t take your boyfriend,’ she said eventually, her tone pleading for me to convince her.
‘You wouldn’t be. He’d be my ex-boyfriend. You have my blessing to go out with him if that’s what you both really want.’
‘If it was – and I’m not saying it is – but, if it was, you promise we won’t fall out over it?’
‘I promise.’
‘Pinkie promise?’ she asked.
I laughed. ‘It’s years since we’ve done this but, yes, I pinkie promise.’ We wrapped our little fingers together and took turns in kissing them.
‘Thanks, Sammie,’ she said, resting her head against my shoulder. ‘You’re the best. I’d hate it if anything ever came between us. I couldn’t bear you not being in my life.’
‘Same here.’