‘Has James got testicular cancer?’ I asked after Toby handed me a coffee and sat down beside me.
‘Erm, no. What would make you think that?’
‘Toby Spiers, you’re a terrible liar. Hannah always says so.’
He screwed up his nose. ‘He swore me to secrecy, even from Hannah. I’m the only one who knows.’
‘How serious is it?’
‘They reckon they caught it in time to stop any spread but he’s lost one of his little fellas.’
I sighed. Poor James. Thank goodness he’d confided in Toby because going through something like that on his own was unthinkable.
Toby grabbed my arm. ‘Chloe doesn’t know, does she?’
‘No. But he’s going to need to tell her. She thinks he’s having an affair.’
‘She never does.’ He shook his head. ‘James would never even look at another woman if he was in a relationship.’
‘Yeah, well, that’s what I thought and that’s what I told Chloe but apparently it’s not true. He was unfaithful to me.’
‘What? When?’
‘He had sex with Chloe pretty much as soon as they met and spent the weekend with her, even though we were still together.’
Toby’s eyes were wide and his mouth open which filled me with relief. He hadn’t known which meant Hannah hadn’t either although, if she had, I was certain she’d have told me.
‘He never said a word.’ Toby sighed. ‘I knew it was love at first sight for them both but I didn’t know they’d acted on it. I’m sorry, Sam. That must hurt.’
‘It does. I never thought…’ I shook my head. ‘Never mind. Going back to the cancer, why didn’t he tell Chloe?’
‘He found the lump and made an appointment to get it checked out. He was going to tell her but she started bleeding. She was told to avoid stress after that and he couldn’t do it to her. He knows how much having a big family means to her and he wasn’t prepared to risk anything happening to the baby, especially if it was cancer and he had to lose both balls. I’m not sure how the news is going to go down with Chloe now, though. That big family might not happen.’
I looked at Toby’s worried expression. He’d obviously been shouldering a lot of the burden. ‘I bet you’ve been a rock for James during all of this. I’m sure he’ll be fine now but please do what you can to push him to tell Chloe about this sooner rather than later because she needs to know and she needs to be there for him. She won’t hear it from me.’
Loud voices filled the corridor outside and then the waiting room door burst open. The nurse on duty had to ask for silence and for only Chloe’s parents to go in rather than everyone together. Mum clearly wasn’t impressed by that.
‘I suppose you’ve already seen him,’ she snarled.
‘Yes. I was with her when he was born.’
‘Why you instead of James? It makes no sense.’
I didn’t have the energy to explain. She could have the facts instead. ‘He’s a healthy baby boy, 6lb 3oz, born at 8.37 p.m. by emergency caesarean because he was breech. His cord was also round his neck. Chloe’s tired but fine. James is with her now. He was out with Toby and hadn’t realised his phone was on silent otherwise he’d have been there for the birth.’
Mum’s expression softened, but then she ruined it by saying, ‘That still doesn’t explain why you’re here.’
‘It wasn’t meant to.’
‘Can I get anyone a coffee?’ Toby asked, jumping up, no doubt desperate to escape from the tense atmosphere.
Mum shook her head and Dad thanked him but declined.
‘I’ll just phone Hannah, then,’ Toby said. ‘Check on Amelia.’ If he could have turned and sprinted, I think he would have.
‘Are you okay, poppet?’ Dad asked, sitting beside me.
‘Of course she is. She hasn’t just been under the knife like our poor Chloe.’
‘Debs! There’s no need to—’
‘Forget it, Dad.’ I stood up and faced Mum. ‘You know nothing about me or what I’ve been through this evening so you can keep your unhelpful comments to yourself.’
She looked too astonished at me standing up to her to respond.
The door to Chloe’s room opened and Uncle Simon poked his head round it. ‘Can we borrow you for a moment, Sam?’ He looked across to the nurse. ‘Is that okay? We promise to be quick.’
The nurse smiled. ‘Very quick, please.’
Feeling Mum’s eyes boring into me, I followed Uncle Simon back into the room. James was sitting on the bed next to Chloe, holding the baby. It was a scene that could have floored me, wishing it was our baby he was cradling, yet I felt nothing. If there’d been even a fraction of doubt as to whether I was over him, it evaporated.
Auntie Louise was in a chair beside the bed. She stood up and rushed to me, arms outstretched. ‘Chloe says you saved his life.’
‘Not really. If Chloe had been alone, she’d have called an ambulance.’
‘You’re too modest,’ she said, releasing me.
Uncle Simon hugged me too and simply whispered, ‘Thank you.’
James gave a grateful smile, his eyes glistening.
‘Toby’s still outside,’ I said. ‘He sends his best.’
Standing near the foot of the bed, I felt uncomfortable encroaching on this precious family moment, especially when I didn’t feel part of the family. Couldn’t someone just tell me why I’d been summoned? Maybe it was just to say thank you. Well, they’d done that, or at least Chloe’s parents had.
‘Was that it? Because I might head back home now that everyone’s here.’
‘Do you want to hold Samuel William?’ Chloe asked.
I was very aware of them all staring at me as I repeated the name. ‘Samuel?’
She nodded. ‘Samuel as a nod to the woman who has always been there for me even though I’ve not deserved it and who even saved his life, and William after Gramps, of course. But we’ll call him Sam for short. What do you think?’
I opened my mouth but no words came out. Gramps would have loved the tribute to him. As for the tribute to me – another thing I’d never have predicted. The evening just got stranger and stranger.
‘Here.’ James stood up and handed his son to me.
As I stroked Samuel’s soft head, he opened his eyes for a moment and peeped at me, then smacked his lips and drifted off again. I cuddled him close, willing the tears clouding my eyes not to fall because I feared that, if I let them, they’d never stop. It had been a difficult evening, revealing hurtful secrets but, gazing into Samuel’s beautiful face, the pain lifted. This new life was a new beginning for Chloe and James and, because of James’s cancer, Samuel could be their first and last child, which would be an unexpected and devastating change of plan for them both. Whatever happened, they had Samuel and what a precious gift he was.
I looked up at the eager faces of the two new parents. ‘He’s gorgeous and I’m honoured that you’ve sort of named him after me. Thank you.’ They both nodded. ‘So, who gets the next cuddles because I really must make tracks now or I’ll fall asleep at the wheel?’
‘Couldn’t you stay with your mum?’ Auntie Louise asked.
I shook my head as I handed Samuel to Uncle Simon. ‘We both know I’m not welcome.’ I didn’t manage to keep the bitterness out of my voice.
‘You’ll come back and visit soon, won’t you?’ Chloe asked.
‘Give me a shout when you’re home and settled and we’ll sort something out.’
I gave out hugs then returned to the waiting room. Toby had returned from his wander and was staring into an empty cup.
The door to Chloe’s room opened again. ‘Toby, do you want to come in and meet Samuel?’ James asked.
Mum gasped. ‘Samuel? Like Samantha?’
James nodded. ‘Yes. Named after her.’
It was hard not to smirk. She certainly hadn’t seen that coming and she definitely didn’t like it.
‘That’s so lovely,’ Dad said, smiling.
‘Are you sure I’m okay to go next?’ Toby asked, nodding towards my parents.
‘It’s fine, mate,’ James said. ‘I know you need to get home and Chloe says Sam’s car’s at our place so I thought you could see the baby then drop her off.’
‘I can get a taxi,’ I said.
‘No. Chloe’s insistent. Toby next so you can both head home, then she’s keen for her final visitors to meet Samuel.’
Without a word, Mum plonked herself down in Toby’s vacated seat and seemed very interested in scraping something invisible from her nails.
I didn’t have the energy or the inclination to try and engage with her. ‘I could do with some air. Toby, I’ll meet you in the entrance.’
Toby nodded and went in to see the new arrival.
Retrieving my bag from under the seats, I hugged Dad who said he’d call me tomorrow.
James followed me into the corridor and we walked several paces in uncomfortable silence.
I stopped and turned to him. ‘I know what happened at Gramps’s party.’
He gasped. ‘Chloe told you?’
Feeling weary, I rested my back against the corridor wall. ‘It’s been quite a revealing evening.’
‘I’m so sorry. We never meant it to happen.’
I wasn’t going to say it was fine because it wasn’t, but I wasn’t going to rake over it again. ‘You promised me you’d let me know if you met someone. If I hadn’t ended it with you after the funeral, were you going to have the decency to end it with me?’
He sighed as he rested against the wall beside me. ‘We had plans to meet for dinner on the Tuesday. I was going to tell you then but your Gramps died on the Sunday and…’
‘Yeah, I know. Timing.’
‘I’m so sorry. I hated myself for what we did. It’s not who I am.’
I lightly touched his arm. ‘I know.’
‘You didn’t get very far,’ Toby said, joining us in the corridor. ‘Ah. I can guess what you’re talking about. I didn’t tell her about the cancer, mate.’
James shot upright. ‘She knows?’
I cringed. ‘We weren’t talking about that, Toby. But, yes, I know. Are you okay, James?’
‘Yes, but how do you know?’
‘Long story and you need to get back to your family but you’ve got to tell Chloe and soon,’ I urged.
‘I agree,’ Toby said. ‘Not tonight, obviously, but she needs to know.’
‘What if I can’t have any more kids?’ James sounded devastated.
‘Then you’ll cross that bridge together,’ I said. ‘And let’s face it, she’s just been cut open and had a person lifted out of her after a difficult pregnancy, so she’s not going to be thinking of having another baby right now. It’s as good a time as any to talk about it.’
James nodded. ‘Thank you for everything. You really are one in a million.’
As he hugged me, I was very much aware once more of having no reaction. No heart racing, no butterflies, no sweaty palms.
‘Go back to your family. They need you and they need the truth. Always.’
As for me, I thought about my conversation with Lauren on my first day when I told her about the wedding: ‘Shit happens and it’s how you deal with it that makes you happy or miserable. You can roll in that shit and stink up your life or you can spray the air freshener and move on. I think you’re an air freshener kind of woman, aren’t you?’ Yes, I was an air freshener kind of woman. It sucked that James never loved me but I had no control over that. It hurt that the woman he fell for was my cousin but I’d done what I could to control that; I’d let him go. The fact that they’d had sex as soon as they met was perhaps testament to how they felt about each other. What must it be like to be attracted to someone so strongly that you just had to have them there and then? I’d never experienced anything close to that, yet I wanted to believe that one day in the far future when I felt ready to trust again, I would find someone who made me feel that way. As for Chloe and James, I certainly couldn’t forget what they’d done and how Chloe had continued to punish me for her crime. Could I forgive? I wasn’t so sure. It was a huge ask. But for now, there was a new life to celebrate.