Back at my apartment, the first thing I do is rip the sheet off my battle station and fire it up. I’ve got some serious lost time to make up for.
In no time, I’m back to my old ways. Four games going. Facebook, chat window, YouTube. Keeping my losses down, taking a big pot when I see my chance. Everything going just as planned.
Only it doesn’t feel so great anymore. It just feels empty and boring. Like…what am I contributing to the world? To my life? What am I really doing with myself?
Something’s missing. I can swear I feel David behind me, watching, waiting. Once I even turn around and look. The feeling is that strong.
Then I feel like a crazy person. Of course he’s not there. I only wish he was.
I wish I was doing anything but playing poker, and I wish we were together.
Oh well. I’ll readjust, I figure.
Eventually.
The qualifying game is tomorrow. Even after David’s little all-in disaster, I’ve got enough for the buy-in. The truth is, losing eight hundred bucks is not that big a deal. Not as big as it would have been for my dad anyway. I’m a lot smarter with my money than he ever was. When I get it, I don’t blow it on stupid things. I put half away and play with the other half.
Of course, I don’t have anyone else to spend it on. Like a kid.
I wonder if maybe my dad spent all that money for me. Like, maybe he thought he was giving me something to remember. I never looked at it that way before. I never had a reason to.
Oh well. I’m also not a gambling addict, the way my dad was. This is not a habit. It’s my job. Anyone who thinks poker is just gambling is welcome to sit across the table from me anytime. I’ll have all his money within half an hour.
And if I had a family, I wouldn’t abandon them. I would be there when I was needed.
Yeah right, I hear a voice say. The whole reason you don’t have a family is because you think poker is more important.
I know that voice. It’s Josie, of course.
“What are you talking about?” I say out loud.
You think you’re better than your dad. But at least he took risks. He had a wife. He had you. Who do you have?
“Who do you have?” I ask her.
Then I realize that I’m doing it again. Arguing with a dead woman.
I play for about three hours. Then I hop in the shower and get ready. I feel like I’m prepping for a big date. I haven’t spent this much time getting ready in a long while. But I am excited to see David again, even though I just saw him this morning. And Charlie is a handsome enough guy that it’s worth looking my best.
I don’t have any illusions about myself. There’s a reason I’m not Miss Universe. But when I put my mind to it, I can turn a few heads.
The hotel restaurant is called the Zanzibar Lounge, which is a little exotic for vinyl-covered booths and Formica tabletops. But it’s a nice, homey atmosphere. I’m overdressed. David hugs me again. Charlie shakes my hand, then stoops to kiss my cheek.
“You look nice,” he says. “Going somewhere?”
“Uh…yeah,” I say. “I have a date.”
“You don’t have a date,” David says. To his father he says, “She doesn’t even have a boyfriend. She thinks boyfriends are a waste of time.”
“I see you two got to know each other rather well,” Charlie says, smiling at me. His eyes sparkle. I would like to just crawl under the table and die, but instead I flash him a smile.
“You never can tell what kids will say next!” I say brightly.
“Indeed. Would you care for some wine?”
He pours a little into a glass for me. We toast each other.
“Well,” says Charlie. “I hear you two had a great couple of weeks together.”
“We did,” I say. “I’m really going to miss you, David.”
David looks horribly embarrassed and pleased at the same time. He blushes and looks down.
“He’s gotten quite attached to you,” Charlie tells me.
“Dad,” says David. “Shut up.”
“So, you managed to sell your business rather quickly,” I say.
“The truth is, I decided not to sell it after all,” says Charlie. “It’s just doing too well right now. I know some people would say get out while you can, but I started it from nothing. I feel like it’s another baby.”
“What kind of business is it?”
“Computer parts,” Charlie says. “I sell them online.”
“That’s interesting,” I say.
“She knows all about computers, Dad,” says David.
“Yes, David tells me you have quite the setup at home,” Charlie says. “You play poker for a living, I gather?” He knits his eyebrows together.
“As a matter of fact, I do,” I say.
“How fascinating. David fancies himself quite the poker player too.”
“Why, yes, I know he does,” I say, smiling sweetly at David. The look on his face is pure panic. He’s worried I’m going to say something about the money he lost me. Don’t worry, I tell him with my eyes. I would never. “And what about your wife, Charlie? What does she do?”
“Oh, I’m not married,” Charlie says.
“You’re not? But Josie told me…”
Charlie interrupts me by digging through his pockets for some change. “Here, David,” he says. “Why don’t you go play some video games out in the lobby for a few minutes? They have an old-fashioned arcade out there.”
“Why? What are you going to talk about?” David says. But Charlie just grins at him and hands him some coins.
When his son is gone, Charlie says to me, “I would imagine that Josie told you a lot of things about me that aren’t true. Such as that I was running around on her.”
“She never told me that,” I say.
“Well, she told some people. But it wasn’t true. I never did that. It was really the other way around.”
“Charlie,” I say, “Josie was my best friend. But I also know she had a way of twisting things around to make herself look better. God love her, it’s just the way she was.”
Charlie looks relieved.
“I don’t mean to make her look bad. I just wanted you to know,” he says. “I think she told people I was remarried because it made her look like I’d abandoned her or something. The fact was, it destroyed me when we broke up. And I haven’t gotten married again because I was having a hard time moving on. Then I just threw myself into my work, and…” He shrugs. “Time passes so quickly,” he says. “It’s already been over five years since we split up.”
“I know,” I say. “Does David seem bigger to you since the last time you saw him?”
“I think he grew about a foot in the past few months,” says Charlie. “Listen, I want you to come visit us sometime. I know David would love to see you again.”
“Visit you where?”
“Why, back in England, of course,” says David. “I’m taking him home with me tomorrow.”
“Oh. So you’re moving back.” Why does this affect me so much?
“Yes, I know it’s fast. But really, why linger?”
“You’re right,” I say. “It’s always better just to rip the bandage off fast.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Nothing. Just an expression I use.”
“I see. How curious,” says Charlie, but something in his eyes tells me he knows just why I said that.
Dinner is torture for me, and I don’t know why. I barely taste the food. David chatters on about England. He’s excited to be going there. Charlie tells him about what his life will be like there. I feel like an observer. Like I’ve been my whole life, really. Always on the outside of other people’s lives, looking in.
Up until now, that has suited me just fine. But suddenly it feels like it’s not enough. And that bothers me.
After dinner we head out to the parking lot. David finds an outdoor fountain, and he gets distracted trying to fish out the pennies people have thrown in there. Charlie takes advantage of this to turn to me.
“I have to tell you something,” he says. “I hope this isn’t too sudden. After meeting you, I’m suddenly very sorry I’m not going to be sticking around longer.”
I stare at him. I had been thinking just the same thing. The world feels like it’s rippling underneath my feet, like I’m standing on water.
“Really,” I say.
He looks perplexed. “Is that your poker face?”
“What do you mean?” Of course, I know what he means. But I didn’t even know I was doing it.
“Your face. It just went all stony. Did I say something wrong?”
“No, no. I’m sorry. I guess it’s just a habit. When I don’t want people to know what I’m thinking.”
“I see. You don’t show that face to David. You hold nothing back from him.”
“I’m not sure what you—”
“He is just a kid, after all,” says Charlie. “Can’t hurt you. Easy to love. Right?”
I’m speechless. This guy’s reading me like a book. If I were sitting across the table from him, he’d have all my chips by now. And he doesn’t even appear to be trying that hard. But I can’t let him know that.
“David is a wonderful little boy,” I say.
“I can see that you really care for my son,” says Charlie. “And anyone who feels that strongly about him must be a very special person indeed.”
“I guess I should…probably be getting home now,” I say. “Thank you for a lovely dinner. Good luck with your business.” I turn and head for my car.
“Kat?” Charlie calls after me. I turn. He’s holding out a card. “My contact info. Won’t you please give serious thought to coming to see us in England? Please?”
I take the card and look at it.
“I own a share in a small business hotel near my house, so you could stay there if you’re more comfortable,” says Charlie. “There’s no pressure. It’s just…well. I guess I’m just waking up to the fact that life is short, you know?”
I put the card in my purse.
“Yeah,” I say. “I know.”
David comes running up from the fountain.
“Are you gonna come see us?” he demands.
“Maybe,” I say. “We’ll have to see. David, it was very nice having you as a guest. I wish you the best of luck in everything you do. You’re going to have a great life.”
I bend down and hug him. I make it fast. Then I simply turn and head straight for my car.
“Kat!” I hear David call.
I half-turn. I don’t want him to see my face right now.
“Kat, I’ll miss you!” he says.
I wave and nod. Then I get in my car and pull out as fast as I can. I make it about half a mile down the road. Then I have to pull over to the side, because I can’t see.
It takes about five minutes and the rest of those tissues from Mr. Molton’s office before it’s safe for me to drive again.