THE SURVIVAL LIST

There are a number of things all kids should know before they attend Kung Fu High School. Unfortunately, they don't always get it. It comes too slowly or it comes the hard way, too fast to duck. But here they are, the seven rules to go along to get along:

1. Get Kicked In

This is unavoidable. Try to look at it as a necessary evil for continued existence. It happens at one point or another to everyone at Kung Fu. My brother couldn't protect me forever. The day after the cops picked him up for menacing, I got circled. But it wasn't a one on one. Everyone knew I hadn't caught it during the freshman warm-up so I got it double. They knew I was right-handed so they snapped my right wrist and broke three fingers including my pinkie. I had to learn to write left-handed after that. They wrecked six of my ribs and my right eyelid was sliced almost in half after someone decked me with thick class rings on their fingers. That one took forever to heal. It still droops a little. I got a hairline clavicle fracture to match my dislocated shoulder. I had internal bleeding. I was bedridden for two weeks. My chin got split open and you could see my lower gums through the hole that needed six stitches to close. Now I got this habit of rubbing the flat semicircular scar underneath my lip every time I'm thinking. I can only feel it when I press kind of hard because the nerves never grew back or reconnected.

2. Don't Complain a.k.a. Shut Up, Part 1

It helped that I couldn't open my mouth for two weeks after that. This is real important. Whatever you do, do not open your big fat mouth and tell everyone how unfair it is that you got kicked because it doesn't work that way. You're new? You lose. It's that simple. Don't get too heartbroken. You're guaranteed not to be the only one. Everybody loses.

3. Join a Family, Stay Loyal to Your Family,
NO MATTER WHAT

This is how the family system works. There are six families at Kung Fu. Each family has a Pop, Mom, and a council of Aunts and Uncles. Everyone else is a kid. Four families are affiliated with Ridley but hate each other; those are: Runners, Whips, Fists, and Blades. The other two have no beef with Ridley but sure as hell aren't beholden to him. They just don't care (at least, not outwardly). Those are the Wolves and Waves. Nobody bothers them because generally the best fighters are Wolves or Waves. The families aren't something you can join or not join, like some club. My brother's a Wave, so I'm a Wave. That's how it works. Legacies don't get drafted, they're automatic pickups. In every instance, your family chooses you. You cannot choose your family. Each year after the freshman warm-up, the draft takes place. Each family has done its research on you, more than you know. They know if you can't punch high or feint left. They know if you struggle on footwork or suck at defense. They know everything. And since nothing at Kung Fu is fair, the draft order is determined by whoever won the school Grand Championships the previous year. Blades got sixth place? Sixth pick. Waves won last year? Number one. There is no bickering, that's how it goes. If your family struggles, they will eventually be cannibalized by another family. There used to be ten families. All sprouted up in the time since Ridley got here. The Wrecks, Goons, Muds, and Saws? All gone. Only six left.

Something else about families, no outward show of family affiliation is made. No colors, no similar clothes, haircuts, or sign language. The rule is to look the same as everyone else. Everybody knows whose side who is on. Word gets around. They see who you hang with when school is out. Mainly, the families make sure to blend so that Principal Dermoody can't identify us. Like we're all arms and legs of a big chameleon, changing at the same time. He would just love to isolate and scapegoat a family, blame them as responsible for everything going wrong at Kung Fu—everything from low test scores to creating an unsafe school zone. He'd hand them over to the cops who'd hand them over to the judges who'd hold them up to the media and that would be that. Lots of handshaking and congratulations and they'd say how Kung Fu was safe now, but really, nothing would change. It would get worse. It's been getting worse. Families have been disappearing for years, and each time it happens, Ridley gets stronger. Everybody wonders who is next to go down. His own families aren't even safe. That's the real scary thing, nobody ever knows. Only a matter of time though. We've learned to count on it.

Beyond all that, I can say Kung Fu's probably the most equal place in the whole world, real egalitarian. It don't matter what you look like or where you're from or what your religion is. It don't matter if you're a girl or a boy or if you like boys or girls or both. Nobody cares. Just don't shove it in anyone's face. Can you fight? Good, because that's all that matters. You might as well make it a conscious decision. Make it easy on yourself

Of course, ALWAYS travel with a family member wherever you go.

4. Learn How to Sew

Home economics is probably the most popular class at Kung Fu. No joke. No class saved more lives last year. Got a sturdy vest? Sew some Kevlar into it. Reinforce all daily-use clothing with padding and plating. The lighter the better, the stronger the better. Steel is stupid, too heavy. Aluminum is best because it's durable and light. Thick turtlenecks with molded throat protection are standard. Reinforce those earmuffs you got lying around. It's easy. Remove the outer layer and pull out all the cotton filling. Replace it with aluminum cut to fit. Voila! That's arts and crafts the Kung Fu way. Sweatshirts and vests lined with serious internal organ protection are prized. The people who are best with the needle are usually put to work making garments for the whole family. They're called sew masters. Everyone wears a cup, even a modified version for girls. The pubis breaks easily. Get used to it.

Of course, the armor can backfire. Ronny from the Blades was wearing a wool hat lined with aluminum when he got chopped in the skull and the metal sewn into the lining nearly took his ears off. It would have too, if he didn't luck into such a good surgeon.

5. Shut Up, Part 2

Don't ever talk to anyone outside your family. Forget about all that Romeo and Juliet, two lovers from opposing families bullshit. Don't ever approach a member of another family unless you got a problem or a challenge. I've seen some nasty circles get started out of nowhere and it's all because some boy thought some girl was giving him eyes and maybe they could hook up. Next thing he knows, she's tearing him up in the round. You want sex or love? Get it from inside your family. If not, wait 'til you leave Kung Fu, if you can.

FIGURE 1. HOW TO MALE THROAT PROTECTION

FIGURE 2. HOW TO MAKE THROAT PROTECTION HIDDEN

6. Pick a Fight Here, Start a Fight There, But Also Know Your Strengths and Weaknesses.

This is crucial. It's impossible to be invisible at Kung Fu. Ridley has everyone ranked. So you have to fight someone sometime and since you do, do your absolute best to pick your battles. Always go through your family Mom or Pop and have them set it up, never take someone on yourself and never fight someone you don't know. Know your opponent and know yourself. Got a weak chin? Fight someone who brings it to the body. Just be smart, simple, and unafraid. It takes real skill, intelligence, toughness, and courage to face up to someone a foot taller and forty pounds heavier than you and still crack them a solid one before you have to go to the hospital for a well-earned vacation. ALSO: don't be too good. Be just good enough. The closer you are to the middle of the pack, the less likely it is that anyone'll be shooting for you.

There's a seventh rule though, even if nobody ever really talks about it: Always Avoid Principal Dermoody and Cap'n Joe. You get called down to Dermoody's fortress for skipping class or vandalizing the girls' bathroom, DO NOT GO. Sure, you want to go, you want to trust him, but don't. Show the pass to the head of your family. They will take care of it for you. ALSO: if you see Dermoody's bodyguard, Cap'n Joe, walk the other way fast. Do not get within his reach for any reason. Be smart always.