December
Early-December sunlight no longer contained much warmth, but it highlighted the last threads of the year’s colours, strewn like discarded rags across the fells and hedgerows. It intensified the russets, browns, burgundies, and yellows of the dying bracken, bare branches, and stripped back tree trunks. Evergreen leaves and tempting red berries shone and quivered in the slight breeze. The greyness of stone walls and scattered rocks echoed the mood of the three women who stood on the lakeshore slowly undressing.
This morning there was no excited chatter, rants, or giggles, just silent, thoughtful companionship.
Angela’s last swim was not a time of celebration or even sorrow, but just a quiet acceptance that, for now at least, priorities beyond her control had swept her away from the lake and into something bigger than any of them.
Ed’s mother had not recovered well from her heart surgery and was unlikely to leave the hospital. Angela had to take over the work on the farm herself so that Ed could sit by his mother’s bedside for as long as he wanted or needed. He was struggling to deal with the situation – not sleeping, not eating, and hardly talking. As soon as he had told her the news, she had gone with him to the hospital.
In her head, Angela had said goodbye to the woman who had either ignored or criticised her since the day she’d married Ed. Anyone dying was sad, but it was far sadder to see someone she loved hurting so badly and being unable to soften his grief.
Every day since returning from Oxford, she had pulled on the foul weather gear and taken over responsibility for ensuring the livestock had enough to eat, that none of them were stuck on their backs and needed heaving back over, fences and walls were in good repair, the books were updated, and records maintained.
But, after a few days, she knew she needed a last moment of serenity and friendship in the lake to give her the strength to sustain this new regime. Would Ed crumble completely at the inevitable loss of his mother? How long would he need to recover? The winter was a tough time as a sheep farmer, but on top of that, she was scared about how well she’d cope on her own and whether the physical and emotional stress would trigger anxiety and an inability to function. Would the relentless cycle of each day be enough to stop her struggling with the loneliness she already experienced? Wild swimming with Holly and Stevie had started to give her some self-confidence, purpose, and happiness, but with that gone, how was she going to hang on to those shoots of hope?
She tried to imprint this last swim onto her soul, mentally noting down exactly how she felt. If I don’t say a word as I walk into the water, every tiny change in sound, touch, and sight is intensified until the heat of the chilli prickles becomes unbearable and my breath escapes in a shriek of joy. As the splash of the lake hits my face, smell and taste rush into the mix – it becomes a full orchestra of sensations as my mind fights with my body and my soul comes out of hiding, holds itself strong and invincible, the true warrior comes out to play.
‘Oh God, how am I going to survive without this?’ Angela spoke at last as she pulled through the water in the space between her swim buddies.
‘Don’t,’ groaned Holly. ‘Don’t think, just swim.’
Angela wanted this last swim to go on and on, possibly forever. They wanted to swim right down the length of Crummock and back, but the water was now hovering around five degrees, too cold to stay in for more than a few minutes. Even if Angela had not turned round, she was sure they would have grabbed her tow float and made her swim back to the beach. It felt good to know that because this swim might be their final one for however long it took for her to join them again, neither of them wanted her to feel too down. She hadn’t needed to explain how much she would miss spending a couple of hours away from the responsibilities of the farm with nothing to worry about except not staying in too long, being able to pull her socks onto blue-cold feet, and finding the strength to twist open the lid on her Thermos. They had been disappointed too about giving up her place in the championships, but they understood how worried she was about Ed. If anything could give her the proof that it was all worth battling for then it would be the memory of a really good, happy, safe swim here, where neither of them had ever made judgements, or asked anything of her except to walk in with them, dunk down with them and swim back out again with them.
Sitting on the beach wrapped up in their layers, half hidden under thick bobble hats, the women shared hot drinks and cake. Stevie told them that she’d had a message from the Oxford ladies: the man Holly had spoken to had strained his shoulder so wasn’t swimming at the moment, but a man who used to swim at the club and now lived in Scotland was keen to meet them and join the team. He was an experienced ice swimmer, had just finished working on the rigs, and it would fill in his time before he went travelling. It was the news they wanted to hear, but it was received with mixed emotions. If he was suitable, then how ironic that they’d now be looking for a woman to replace Angela. Of course, there was a slim chance they’d find two men. After all, there was nothing in the rules about male/female balance, just that the team had to be a mixed four.
‘Yes, but that’ll be so much easier,’ said Angela. ‘You could even go up to the championships and find someone there if necessary.’
‘It’d be mad to leave it so late, though. We’ll have to try and find someone before then,’ said Stevie.
‘What about your Oxford friends? One of them still might do it.’
‘I know they’re all already sorted, but I’ll ask just in case things have changed. Ohhh, isn’t life shitty?’ said Stevie, giving Angela a one-armed hug.
‘You can say that again.’ Angela’s smile was sad. She hugged Stevie back, but then jumped up and turned to face them both. ‘Right, you two… You two strong, beautiful women. You go get your man! Do this for me okay? I’ll be fine. Keep in touch with me. Come and visit? I can give you jobs!’ Angela laughed. ‘But seriously, do not give up on this just because of me.’