Saturday
‘Try and sit still, darling,’ I encouraged Maisie, who was writhing in my lap, desperate to run up and down the aisle of the plane. We’d let her do it once, to get it out of her system, but instead of calming her down it had fired up.
Her cries for me to ‘let go’ descended into wails and screeches, and the passengers around us muttered their disapproval.
We’d only been on holiday twice since Maisie was born, and neither time by plane. I hadn’t liked being away from Mum while she was ill.
Maisie was overexcited from the moment we boarded, completely unfazed by the take-off, which I thought would frighten her.
‘Hate you!’ she roared, curling her hands into fists and flailing them at me.
‘I’ve never seen her like this,’ Greg murmured, his face shiny with perspiration as we attempted to distract her with colouring books, his laptop, my phone and various food items.
‘Perhaps we shouldn’t have brought her,’ I said, as she attempted to scale the seat in front in a bid for freedom. She flexed in my arms, bashing her head against my nose, and tears stung my eyes. ‘We should have taken up your sister’s offer to have her for a few days.’
‘Too late now.’ Greg wrestled a wriggling, protesting Maisie from me and pointed her at the window. ‘Look at the clouds,’ he said firmly and she was momentarily stilled. ‘Anyway, I wanted us to go as a family,’ he added, though I hadn’t expected him to want to come at all – had been braced for a fight when he realised I’d gone as far as booking a flight and hotel. For some reason, I hadn’t told him I’d paid for Colleen. ‘I can see this visit’s a big deal, Ella. I don’t want her missing out on anything.’
I appreciated him acknowledging that meeting Colleen was important, but a sliver of doubt had crept in on the way to the airport as I recalled her message about needing to be in Sligo for personal reasons, wondering for the hundredth time what they could be. I hadn’t liked to ask, worried she might back off, and had booked the hotel as soon as I’d read her message. I wondered now whether I should have insisted on coming alone. Meeting a sister was probably overwhelming enough as it was. A brother-in-law and niece might prove too much, but then again, I needed some emotional support.
Since making the arrangements a few days earlier, I’d been running on adrenalin, especially when Greg had agreed to come. He rarely took holidays so had no trouble securing time off, though he had to be back by the following Thursday for an important client meeting.
We had four days to spend with Colleen.
I’d cancelled a couple of jobs I had booked, to Jenny’s surprise. Apart from my pretend migraine, I rarely took time off, and knew she could tell that something was up, but didn’t like to pry. I felt bad that she probably thought I was still grieving for Mum.
I’d had my hair cut, and treated myself to a manicure and pedicure, which Greg had noted without comment. It was a distraction from counting down the minutes until I met my sister. I hadn’t felt so excited since I was a child, trying to stay awake to see Santa on Christmas Eve, and I’d only distantly noted that Greg wasn’t exactly brimming with enthusiasm.
I’d texted Colleen our flight and hotel details, and suggested we meet in the lounge of The Mountain View at 4.30 p.m. stressing how excited I was, but apart from a brief reply the day before, saying she was looking forward to it, we’d had no further contact.
I’d been dying to ask her more questions, but decided I would do it face to face so I could see her reactions, rather than imagining them.
To my surprise, Dad had phoned the night before, during dinner, wanting to know what we were doing at the weekend.
‘Actually, we’ve booked a last-minute break,’ I told him. ‘We’ve been working so hard, and haven’t been away for a while …’ My voice broke off. He might wonder why we hadn’t invited him, when I’d been trying to persuade him to go away for ages, suggesting we all fly out and visit his brother in Spain.
‘Oh?’ He sounded curious. ‘Where are you going?’
My heart sank. For once, he was showing an interest in what I was doing and I couldn’t tell him the truth. The phone had been on speaker, while I helped Maisie cut up her dinner, and Greg was shaking his head at me from the other end of the table. ‘Be careful,’ he mouthed.
Of course I couldn’t mention Colleen, but it wouldn’t do any harm to tell him we were going to Ireland. Better not to tell too many lies.
‘Ireland?’ he repeated, as though we were flying to Mars. ‘Whereabouts in Ireland?’
‘Sligo,’ I said, shrugging at Greg, who was trying to communicate a warning with his eyebrows. It wasn’t as if the place had any meaning for Dad. I suspected he’d forget our conversation the second he hung up.
‘What’s in Sligo?’ My sister, I longed to say. The sister Mum gave away and didn’t tell us about. ‘Why there, of all places?’
Greg had his eyes closed, miming a stabbing motion at the table, thumb and forefinger pinched together as though—
‘We stuck a pin in a map,’ I said, cottoning on. ‘We didn’t want to spend too much time travelling, so picked somewhere close. It looks really nice.’ I tried to remember what I’d read online. ‘Nice beaches and a heritage centre. Plenty for Maisie to see. As I say, it’s just for a few days. We’ll be back next week, because Greg has an important meeting at work and—’
‘I’d better go,’ Dad interrupted. ‘My programme will be on in a minute.’
For a second, tears had threatened. It was an obvious excuse to get me off the phone, even though he was the one who’d called me.
‘Have a nice time,’ he added, as if sensing I was upset. ‘You deserve a break.’
As the plane began its bumpy descent onto the runway at Dublin Airport, Maisie finally drifted off to sleep, at last strapped into her seat.
‘Typical,’ said Greg, stroking her hair, and we exchanged proud parent smiles, his tension seemingly forgotten. ‘Her sense of timing needs work,’ he added.
Once we’d collected our bags, and Greg had picked up the hire car and we’d settled a still-sleepy Maisie in the back, my nerves ratcheted up.
‘I can’t believe this is happening,’ I said, as Greg typed the hotel address into the satnav and directed the car towards the motorway.
‘Neither can I.’ He reached over and gave my knee an absent squeeze. It was early afternoon and the sun was blazing down from a cloudless sky. He wound the window down a couple of inches, letting in a stream of warm air. ‘I just hope you’re not going to be let down.’
‘Oh Greg, give it a rest.’ My doubts had slipped away and I couldn’t stop smiling. ‘Just be excited for me.’
As we picked up speed, I pulled down the visor and checked my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were sparkling, my cheeks pink, and my hair was extra glossy. I looked lit up, all my feelings on display.
I tried to imagine what Colleen was feeling. She was bound to be nervous.
My own stomach started to churn. I’d been drinking coffee all morning and hadn’t eaten much breakfast. I tended to lose my appetite in times of high emotion, and wondered if Colleen was the same. Or perhaps she took comfort from food.
‘I wonder if she’s fat or thin,’ I said to Greg, glancing at his profile, distracted by how sexy he looked in his open-necked shirt and navy jeans with a couple of days’ growth on his chin and upper lip. He was trying to grow a beard. ‘You can’t tell much from a Facebook photo.’
‘Would it matter either way?’ Greg gave me a sideways look.
‘Of course not,’ I said, tucking my hair behind my ears. ‘I just don’t know what to expect.’
‘I’m surprised there weren’t any other pictures on Facebook, to be honest,’ he said, winding up the window so I could hear him properly over the noise of the traffic. ‘With all the travelling she’s done, you’d have thought she’d have loads of photos on there.’
‘I’m not actually her friend on Facebook. We’ve just been exchanging messages,’ I said, sounding defensive. ‘She could have hundreds of pictures for all I know.’
Maisie woke with a noisy yawn and rubbed her eyes with her fists. ‘Where are we?’ She blinked as she took in her surroundings. ‘Hungry,’ she said.
By the time I’d rummaged out the food I’d packed, and supervised a rather messy, impromptu late lunch, we’d arrived at The Mountain View and Greg was pulling the car into the circular driveway.
‘Well. I guess this is it,’ he said, switching off the engine and staring at the building as if worried it might burst into flames.
In the ensuing silence, broken only by the sound of Maisie slurping orange juice through a straw, I stared at the old stone exterior, its lattice windows reflecting the pale blue sky. The walls were draped with wisteria, and two giant fern-filled urns flanked the wide front porch.
‘Bird!’ cried Maisie, pointing to a stone peacock on a plinth in the well-kept garden. She clapped her hands, eyes shining. ‘Can I stroke it?’
‘Not just now, darling.’ I darted my gaze back to the upstairs windows. Was Colleen here already, watching out for us? Or maybe she hadn’t arrived yet, preferring to leave it until the last minute. At least I had time to try and settle my nerves, though there didn’t seem much chance of that happening.
My palms were clammy as we booked in. I kept swallowing, and found myself hoping I wouldn’t run into Colleen unprepared. Maisie – revived by her sleep – was charging along the hardwood floor in the oak-panelled foyer, pausing only to gape in wonder at a series of rustic paintings lining the dark green walls.
I needed a shower, and to think. I turned to Greg. ‘I still don’t know what I’m going to say to her,’ I said. ‘I’ve thought about it so many times, and it always plays out differently. Maybe I should have made notes.’
‘You don’t need notes,’ he said with a touch of impatience. ‘She might not even turn up.’
‘She will, I know she will.’ I couldn’t seem to stand still. ‘Anyway, it’s better to be spontaneous and let things take their course.’
‘Calm down,’ Greg said, and I stiffened when he gave me a hug.
‘Can you stay with Maisie for half an hour, give us time to introduce ourselves?’
His brow furrowed. ‘I don’t think—’
‘Please, Greg.’
He looked about to argue, then relented. ‘Fine. Half an hour.’
Our room was a blend of old and new, with a four-poster bed and arched, floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking a lawn beside the car park, dotted with quirky sculptures. Beyond was a view of the mountains that had presumably given the hotel its name.
‘Mine!’ shrieked Maisie, belting into the adjoining room and flinging herself onto a single bed piled high with patchwork cushions. She began to bounce up and down and Greg followed her through and hoisted her into his arms.
‘What are we going to do with you, young lady?’ he said, throwing her up and catching her. Watching them, I was flooded with affection. Greg was just worried about me – that was all. As part of his job, he was used to weighing up situations from every angle, but this time, I just wanted him to act like a husband.
‘I think I’ll take madam for a walk in the garden, and see if we can burn off some of this energy,’ he said. Maisie beamed her approval at this plan. ‘We’ll see you later.’
I blew them both a kiss as they headed out, Maisie clutching her old teddy. Once they’d gone, I took a shower and tried to regulate my breathing. I wanted to appear cool and collected, not a sweaty nervous wreck.
Wrapped in a complimentary bathrobe, I called room service. I hoped I’d feel better if I lined my stomach, but couldn’t manage more than a half a cup of coffee and a couple of bites of the salmon sandwich delivered by a smiling waiter.
I washed my hands again before picking out an emerald green sleeveless top. I teamed it with a pair of cream skinny jeans and slid my feet into a pair of jewelled flip-flops. Smart, but casual. Was I trying too hard?
I crossed to the window, but couldn’t see any sign of Greg or Maisie in the sun-soaked garden. Twisting and turning in front of the full-length mirror, I pictured Colleen doing the same. Oh God! She could be in the room next door! I glanced at my watch. She would be here by now, somewhere in this hotel.
I smoothed on some make-up, my hand shaking. It was worse than getting ready for a first date.
Oh, Mum. Why aren’t you here with me? Why didn’t this happen a long time ago?
Finally, it was four twenty-five.
My breathing was still too shallow as I left the room and made my way down the thickly carpeted stairs, gripping the wooden banister for support.
What if she doesn’t like me?
A feeling of nausea rose and the bitter taste of coffee filled my mouth.
My foot slipped on the bottom stair and I crashed into a man coming up, his gaze fixed firmly on the phone in his hand.
‘Sorry,’ I said, when he flashed me a look of intense annoyance. He had the most vivid blue eyes I’d ever seen, but they held no trace of warmth.
‘Watch where you’re going,’ he muttered, pushing past.
Charming.
I crossed to the lounge, feeling shaky, suddenly longing for Greg and Maisie to appear and defuse the tension. A murmur of chatter floated out, accompanied by teaspoons clinking against china and a ripple of piano music.
I hesitated on the threshold, eyes sweeping over the guests: a lookalike mother and daughter on a leather sofa; an elderly couple at a table by the window; a red-faced man with a timid-looking woman, eating crustless sandwiches.
I checked my watch again. Maybe Colleen was running late. Perhaps I should sit down, facing the door, so I would see her come in. At least that way I would have the advantage.
As I edged inside, clutching my purse, a breathless voice behind me spoke my name. ‘Ella?’
My flesh rose in shivering goose bumps. I spun around and stared at the figure in front of me, taking mental snapshots. Dark cropped hair, elfin face, and pale freckled skin. Wide, green eyes, thickly lashed. Her clothes were thin, cheap, a bit trampy-looking. She was shorter than me, and maybe it was her boyish build and the haircut, but she looked much younger than her thirty-three years.
I took a step back. ‘Colleen?’
‘Yes.’ Her voice was low, unmistakably Irish. ‘Your half-sister,’ she added, uncertainly.
I realised I wasn’t hiding my surprise, but she looked so different to how I’d imagined. I quickly pulled myself round. ‘I know who you are,’ I said, in a voice that didn’t sound like mine.
Her amazing eyes drank me in. Mum’s mouth. And her scent … I couldn’t pin it down.
There were tears on my face and I was aware that people were staring. ‘Come here,’ I said, and opened my arms.