Greg rose, finishing the last of the cake, and wiped his fingers on a linen napkin. He took Maisie from me and she writhed, rubbing her eyes.
‘You’re tired, missy,’ he said, and she squirmed some more.
He headed towards the door. He looked fit, as though he worked out, moving with confident strides. I rose to follow, but heard a clatter behind me. Ella had knocked the table, and her cup lay smashed on the floor. She bent to pick up the pieces, her face flushed. I glanced at my bandaged finger, remembering the glass I’d dropped in the pub.
‘Careful,’ I said, crouching beside her. ‘Don’t cut yourself.’ I held up my hand. ‘I’m living proof it hurts.’
She didn’t smile, and I saw the confusion in her eyes. It was hardly surprising. How could she know what was going on in my head, when I barely knew myself? How could she know that I’d met her here mainly to escape Jake and meet my father?
A waiter appeared. ‘Don’t worry,’ he said. ‘I’ll get that.’
Greg was waiting in reception, trying to restrain Maisie who was tugging on his hand when we approached. ‘Perhaps we could eat here later on,’ he said, nodding towards the restaurant area. I looked over and glimpsed large windows framed with floral curtains, and a set of French doors opening onto the grounds.
‘Or, we could have a McDonald’s,’ I said, with an urge to ruffle his feathers. ‘I’m easy.’
Greg laughed, showing his perfect white teeth. ‘Seriously?’
‘Sure. Don’t you just love a Big Mac and fries?’
His smile faded. ‘Well yes, but …’
‘Don’t be silly,’ Ella said, her eyes signalling some sort of warning to Greg.
‘Happy Meal,’ Maisie cried, clapping her hands.
‘No,’ Ella persisted, her tone agitated. ‘Please, Greg, let’s just book a table here for eight o’clock. We don’t like Maisie eating too many takeaways, remember?’ She picked up her daughter, who’d started crying. ‘Just book it, please, Greg. Maisie can have a nap in her stroller, so she’ll be OK for later.’
‘Fine,’ he said, raising his hands, as though in surrender, but his voice was gentle. I wondered if he was furious deep down, that there was something lurking under his calm exterior. What were his demons? There had to be something. Affairs? Drink? Drugs? Was he a workaholic? When he wasn’t smiling, he looked stern. Maybe he was just like Jake.
As he headed to the restaurant to make the booking, Ella flashed me an apologetic smile. ‘I need to get her stroller from the car.’ She tensed as Maisie flung herself about, her cries growing in volume.
‘Hey,’ I said, trying to meet Maisie’s eyes. I pulled a silly face and poked out my tongue. She stopped crying.
‘Wow. You have the magic touch,’ Ella said, a smile crossing her lips.
I held out my arms. ‘Here, let me take her while you go and get her buggy.’
Ella tightened her grasp. ‘I don’t know …’
‘I’m not going to steal her,’ I said, hurt that she didn’t trust me. But then, I’d given her no reason to.
‘Of course you’re not. Sorry.’ But she still didn’t pass Maisie over.
‘Ella, for God’s sake, I know how to look after a child.’ The words felt all wrong and Bryony flashed into my mind. I was the last person on earth who should be responsible for a child.
‘Of course, sorry.’ She finally handed Maisie over. ‘Stay with Colleen,’ she told her, pulling a tissue from the pocket of her jeans and dabbing her daughter’s face. ‘I won’t be long.’
As Ella hurried through the double doors, blonde hair shining, I sat on one of the leather sofas with Maisie on my lap. The weight of her was reassuring, but made my throat tighten. Bryony used to sit on my lap while I read her favourite Dr Seuss books.
‘Collie,’ said Maisie, smiling up at me, her face still blotchy and damp. My heart clenched. Bryony had called me Collie. Collie wouldn’t do.
‘I’m Colleen,’ I corrected softly. ‘Auntie Colleen.’ It sounded good, and tears threatened as I breathed her in, burying my face in her thick hair.
‘Where’s Ella?’ I jumped. Greg was standing over us.
‘She’s gone to get the buggy,’ I said, rising. ‘Won’t be a minute.’ I felt uncomfortable around him. He gave the impression he could see right through me and knew what I was thinking.
‘Daddy.’ Maisie held out her arms, and when he took her, the space she left felt cold.
‘Let’s meet Ella outside, shall we?’ he said, turning away from me.
By the car, Ella strapped Maisie into her buggy and handed her a teddy bear, uncannily like the one I’d played with as a child, and she snuggled into it and closed her eyes.
We walked out of the hotel grounds, the sun hot on my neck. It still felt strange not having long hair.
Greg took the buggy from Ella, letting us walk ahead. It was obvious he was giving us some time alone together, but my mind had gone blank.
‘The mountains look grand, don’t they?’ I managed at last. I nodded towards Benbulbin, silhouetted against the sky.
‘An unusual shape,’ Ella said, but I could tell she didn’t want to talk about the landscape.
‘They were formed in the ice age, so they tell me.’
She smiled. ‘Would you climb them?’
‘Christ no, I’m not a fool.’
‘But, I thought …’
I realised what she was about to say, recalling the lies I’d rattled off in my emails. ‘I like to jump rather than climb. Doesn’t everybody?’
‘I can’t say I’m keen on either,’ she said with an awkward laugh. ‘I like walking, and I do yoga when I have the time. I find it hard to relax, if I’m honest. Greg goes running every morning; he says it keeps him sane. He’s much fitter than I am …’ Her voice petered out, and there was a flush of red high on her cheekbones. I wondered if it was the mention of yoga. Wasn’t it the type of thing that posh mums with too much time on their hands did? The kind of thing I might have done if Jake had let me.
We walked on towards Rosses Point, making occasional small talk. Ella was much less talkative than she’d been initially. It was my fault. I’d found it so hard seeing her all perfect, with her happy little family.
There was no doubting things between us seemed tense. I’d painted myself into a corner with the lies I’d told; given her a picture of myself that I wasn’t even trying to live up to.
We walked for about twenty minutes before reaching a huge statue of a woman, holding her hands out towards the sea.
Maisie woke and looked up at the monument. ‘Big lady,’ she said, pointing her chubby finger and kicking her legs. ‘Daddy, look, big, big lady.’
‘Waiting on the shore,’ I read from the plaque, sounding like a tour guide. I certainly didn’t feel like part of their happy family. I was a stranger, and not a very sociable one at that.
The walk back was even more stilted. Ella clearly had no more idea what to say than I did, and resorted to chatting to Maisie. Greg didn’t speak at all, but I felt him watching me, his face inscrutable.
I was sweating when we arrived back at the hotel, and glad of a chance to escape.
‘We’ll see you in reception at eight,’ said Ella with a smile that seemed forced, and I thought again how disappointed she must be.
We all got out of the lift on the second floor. Maisie had fallen asleep on Greg’s shoulder, and Ella’s hand was in his. They looked like a family from a lifestyle magazine, and a surge of envy rose inside me.
I didn’t look back as I walked down the corridor and slipped my key-card into the door of my room. Inside, I plugged in my mobile to charge, grabbed a handful of bottles from the mini bar, and flopped on the bed.
I picked up my phone and my heart flipped when I saw Reagan had replied to my email.
Colleen, I’m sorry I didn’t get to see you on Wednesday. Something came up. Are you free tomorrow? Reagan
I pressed Reply.
I’ll meet you at midday – same place.
I sent my email, and returned to his message, running my fingers over his words, before finally throwing my phone to the floor with a thud.
I was confused, unsure now whether he or anyone else could ever sort out the mess in my head.
Three mini bottles of vodka later, my eyes grew heavy. I curled on my side, pulling my knees to my chest, my eyelids closing over my eyes, longing for sleep.
‘Colleen?’
It was Ella, knocking on the door. I jumped from the bed, disorientated.
‘Colleen. It’s quarter past eight.’
I opened the door. ‘Christ,’ I said, running my fingers through my hair. She was dressed in a pale blue dress, studded with little white flowers, and strappy high heels. Her hair was plaited into a bun and she smelt of something expensive. ‘I fell asleep.’
‘That’s OK,’ she said without smiling. ‘We’ll see you down there in a bit.’
‘No, I’ll come now.’
She paused, and looked me up and down. ‘You’re not changing?’
‘No.’ I stepped out and closed the door behind me. I didn’t want to tell her I had nothing else to wear. That I’d left anything that might have been suitable in Waterford; that I no longer wanted to dress the way that she did. ‘This is fine,’ I said, knowing I sounded abrasive, and saw her face tighten.
Downstairs in the restaurant, Maisie was in a highchair, playing peek-a-boo with Greg, her plump legs swinging.
‘Collie,’ she said with a giggle, pointing at me with a moist finger.
My heart turned over. ‘Colleen, yes, hello, little cutie.’ I kissed the top of her head.
Ella smiled a rather tense smile as I sat down.
‘Shall we have a drink?’ I said, grabbing the wine list before the food menu. I would need to be hammered to get through this evening.
‘I wouldn’t mind one,’ Greg said, glancing at Ella.
‘Are you sure?’ She sounded anxious.
‘We’re celebrating, aren’t we? One won’t hurt. Go on, have one.’
‘No, not for me.’ She raised her hand, and the huge diamond ring flashed on her wedding finger, catching the last of the evening sunshine slanting through the window.
I wondered if Ella had noticed I wasn’t wearing one. I’d left my emerald engagement ring and gold wedding band in Waterford, on the kitchen table with my note.
We ordered wine, and orange juice for Ella and Maisie. Greg smiled at me. ‘So, Colleen, this must be exciting for you.’ I wondered if Ella had asked him to make an effort. ‘I know Ella’s been looking forward to meeting you.’
I looked at her. She seemed shy, cheeks flushing a delicate pink.
‘Well, it’s different, that’s for sure,’ I said, shrugging. ‘I certainly had no idea I had a half-sister.’
‘Me neither,’ said Ella, her eyes brightening as we landed on the one topic she clearly wanted to discuss. ‘I still can’t believe Mum never told me about you.’
The wine arrived, and the waiter began to pour it.
‘Maybe I will have just one.’ Ella pushed her glass forward in a rather desperate gesture.
‘Well, here’s to us,’ I said, picking up my glass once the waiter had gone.
‘To us.’ Ella clinked glasses with me, breaking into a smile that hid the shadows beneath her eyes. She was attractive in a glowing, fresh-faced way. Most people would be glad to discover a sister like her, but it was obvious we had absolutely nothing in common.
‘Cheers,’ said Maisie, picking up her trainer cup, and we laughed.
‘So, you’re from Waterford, Colleen.’ Greg took a sip of his wine. ‘Are you married?’
Ella gave him a look that suggested he was being too forward. I wondered if they’d already found out about me, and knew about Jake.
‘Yes, I’m from Waterford, though I lived in Cork until I was five,’ I said, and drained my wine glass. Greg picked up the bottle and splashed in more. ‘And yes, I’m married. His name’s Jake.’ I pondered what to tell them. I’ve left him, and now he’s following me and sending me death threats. ‘We’re very happy.’ The words almost stuck in my throat.
‘He doesn’t mind you jetting off?’ Ella looked puzzled and, for a moment, I couldn’t work out what she meant.
‘Oh. America.’ I shook my head. ‘No, he’s happy for me to see a bit of the world, and knows my job takes me everywhere. Obviously, he can’t always take time off work to come with me. He’s a surgeon, you see, and very much in demand.’ I leaned back in my chair and gulped my wine. ‘So, what do you do for a living?’ I said quickly to divert her from asking any questions about my so-called job.
‘I’m a food photographer,’ said Ella. That explained the raspberries on her Facebook page. I knew she was expecting a response, but I wasn’t used to making this sort of small talk.
‘And you?’ I turned my attention to Greg.
‘He’s a media lawyer, and a good one,’ said Ella, flashing him a small smile. ‘He protects high-powered people and senior executives from unwanted media attention, don’t you, Greg?’ I had no idea what she was talking about. ‘He’s hoping to be made a partner next year,’ she went on, ‘but he works too hard. I do too – we’ve both got a really strong work ethic, which isn’t a bad thing, but …’ She stopped suddenly, a flush spreading across her cheeks, as if realising she was talking too much and I could view it as boasting.
Greg took over, fingers steepled beneath his chin. ‘Have you always worked as a film editor?’ He sounded sceptical, as if he knew I’d made it up.
‘Pretty much,’ I said, and felt a stab of shame. I’d never even had a proper job. I’d filled my days cleaning, mostly – keeping the house nice and shiny for Jake – and my evenings accompanying him to functions, playing the trophy wife. If I suggested looking for a job, he would remind me that I wasn’t qualified for anything. If I became too friendly with anyone, he made sure it didn’t last. I overheard him once, telling a neighbour I’d suffered a breakdown a long time ago. ‘She’s fragile,’ he’d said, in that charming way he had. ‘Needs taking care of.’ It made him feel good to be seen as my saviour.
‘Have you worked on any films we might have heard of?’
I sat for a moment, sipping my wine, my brain refusing to conjure something up as they both stared. ‘I doubt it,’ I said finally. ‘Mostly boring commercials.’
‘No children of your own then?’ Greg asked.
Christ, he’s persistent. ‘Not yet.’ I was pissed off by the intrusive question. ‘What is this? The fucking third degree?’
‘Greg!’ Ella said, and shot me a look as if to warn me not to swear in front of Maisie.
An awkward silence fell.
Only Maisie was oblivious, banging her cup on her tray with cheerful abandon.
The pianist was playing a tune I couldn’t quite place, something that pulled at my heart, and I wished I were a million miles away from this place. Alone.
I went to pour more wine and noticed the bottle was empty. We hadn’t even eaten. I thumped the bottle down and Greg raised his hand to order another.
‘So, you’re happy?’ Ella’s mouth struggled to form a smile. ‘I mean, you’ve had a good life?’
‘Feeling guilty, Ella?’ I said, too loudly. ‘I was abandoned by my birth mother, who kept her next baby. Clearly a better version of me. What’s not to be happy about?’ I laughed as though I was joking, but the light went from Ella’s face and I hated myself. I wasn’t even sure how I felt about Anna, or the fact that she’d left me, and none of it was Ella’s fault.
Before I could communicate any of this, Maisie let out a scream. She’d somehow bitten her finger. Her eyes squeezed together and her face turned red, tears rolling down her cheeks. ‘Mummy,’ she cried, holding out both arms.
Ella jumped to her feet and whipped her out of her highchair, onto her knee. ‘She’s tired,’ she said to Greg, dropping kisses on Maisie’s finger. ‘It’s been a long day.’
People turned to stare as Maisie continued to cry, and Ella’s cheeks coloured.
‘I said we should have had a Maccy D, didn’t I?’ I said, leaning back in my chair.
Ella’s face crumpled. She looked as though she was about to burst into tears too.
‘Do you want me to take her up?’ Greg said, pushing his chair back.
‘No, it’s OK. I’ll take her.’ Ella was obviously desperate to escape. ‘You two have a nice meal. I’ve lost my appetite.’
‘That’s silly.’ Greg was avoiding looking at me. ‘You’re here to be with your sister, not me.’
‘Tell you what,’ I said, rising, my body shaking. It was unreasonable, but I was hurt that neither of them wanted to be around me. ‘Let’s call it a night, shall we?’
‘No really, Greg, you stay.’ As Ella got up, I caught a shimmer of tears in her eyes. ‘Goodnight, Colleen,’ she said, busying herself with Maisie. ‘Let’s meet for breakfast at nine tomorrow, and do something together afterwards.’
‘Sure,’ I said. The waiter was heading over with a second bottle of wine. ‘Sounds good.’
Ella left with a crying Maisie in her arms, leaving behind a trace of her perfume, and more than a hint of disappointment.
There was an awkward moment as Greg filled our glasses. He looked tired, his eyes straying to the door, as though longing to follow his wife.
We ordered our food, and when it arrived we ate in virtual silence. Or rather, Greg ate his fish, while I pushed a slab of bloody steak around my plate. I didn’t even like steak.
‘How long have you been married?’ I said finally, when we’d laid down our knives and forks.
‘Four years.’ His voice was polite but distant.
‘You and Ella seem very happy.’
‘We are,’ he said, putting his hand over his glass as I tried to refill it with wine, and some sploshed onto the tablecloth.
‘Quite the perfect couple,’ I continued, not sure where this was going.
‘Hardly,’ he said. ‘But I do love her very much.’
‘You’re lucky.’ It came out like an accusation.
‘I believe you make your own luck in this world.’ Greg leaned back, folding his napkin into a small square.
‘Well, that’s total crap,’ I said. ‘Other people affect your luck and happiness all the time.’ I drank more wine, knowing I shouldn’t. It was making me sound bitter.
‘You’re not at all what I expected.’ He narrowed his hazel eyes, becoming animated. ‘In fact, I can’t quite work you out.’ He leaned forward and, in an unsettling tone, added, ‘Ella’s had a lot to deal with lately. Don’t make her unhappy.’
‘Now, why the devil would I do that?’
‘I don’t know, Colleen.’ He lifted his eyebrows. ‘You tell me.’
I poured the last of the wine and drank it in one big swallow, noticing the waiter approaching with the dessert menu. ‘I won’t have pudding, thank you very much, sir,’ I said, in my best ladylike voice. ‘I don’t know about you, but I’ve had enough for today.’ I rose and staggered from the table. ‘Time for bed, said sleepy head.’ I threw a dirty look at an elderly couple who were clearly disgusted by me.
Greg caught up with me in the foyer. He took my elbow and steered me into the lift.
I smirked. ‘Quite the gentleman, aren’t we?’
As the doors slid together, I slumped against the wall.
‘You’re pissed,’ he said.
‘Thank you for noticing.’ I tried to curtsey and toppled towards him, giggling.
He caught me, his hands gripping my shoulders.
‘You’re a mess. It doesn’t take a genius to work that out.’
I shuffled closer and pressed my hand to his cheek.
He eased away, his hazel gaze steady. ‘Don’t,’ he said.
Never trust a handsome man, Ella. Better you know that sooner rather than later.
I stood on tiptoe, lifted my face and pressed my lips to his.
He pushed me away. ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’ he said, as the lift shuddered to a stop.
Through the alcohol fog in my brain, I registered a pinch of hurt at being rebuffed. I lunged at him again, just as the lift doors opened, and my gaze slammed into Ella.
‘Ooh, hello,’ I said, lurching against Greg’s arm as he swung away from me. ‘Thought you’d gone to bed.’
Ella’s eyes were wide and confused. ‘She wouldn’t settle without a goodnight kiss from her dad,’ she said, a pyjama-clad Maisie nestled against her shoulder. ‘What’s going on?’
‘Nothing,’ Greg said tightly.
‘Nothing,’ I mimicked, then gave a hiccupping laugh. ‘Oops! Pardon me.’
Ella’s gaze whipped between us and suspicion darkened her eyes. ‘Take her back,’ she said in a voice I hadn’t heard her use before, thrusting Maisie at Greg.
As his arms shot out to take her, he looked at me over her head and his expression made me freeze. ‘I knew Ella should have kept away from you.’ He turned to his wife. ‘Ella—’ he began, but she pushed past him into the lift.
‘Put her to bed, Greg, it’s getting late.’
He made a frustrated sound, but Maisie was starting to stir, murmuring and rubbing her eyes, and the lift doors closed as he strode away without a backwards glance.
‘Someone’s grumpy,’ I said, in an effort to bring back Ella’s sunny smile. I didn’t like the look on her face – the sort of look Jake used to give me, as if I was the worst person he’d ever met.
‘And you’ve had too much to drink.’ She wanted to say more, I could tell, but was holding back.
I felt an urge to goad her. ‘You’re not what I was expecting,’ I said, moving closer. Her breath smelt of tea and toothpaste. ‘You’re both a bit boring, actually.’
‘And you’re drunk.’ There was a bite in her voice that told me my jibe had hit home. ‘And you’re nothing like I was expecting, either.’
‘What were you expecting, darlin’ sister?’ I tried to make it sound sing-song, but it came out slurred. ‘Someone prissy and perfect like you, with your cute little job and your shiny hair, and clothes from those places for women who like spending their husband’s money?’ She flinched as the words left my lips and I wanted to take them back.
‘You don’t know anything about me.’ Her voice shook. ‘I thought that was why we were here, to get to know each other, but you’re acting like you don’t even care.’
‘Maybe I don’t.’
She hauled in a breath, eyes glittering. ‘In that case, maybe it’s best if we don’t see each other again.’ She paused. ‘I don’t think you’re the sort of person I want in my life.’
That hurt. A lot. ‘S’fine by me,’ I lied, twirling my hand. ‘Run along to your perfect husband and perfect daughter, and carry on with your perfect life, why don’t you?’
She shook her head, her lip curling. ‘You’re unbelievable.’
‘You don’t know how true that is, my dear.’ I gave a deep bow that made my head swim, and when I looked up, she’d opened the lift doors and was hurrying away, a hand pressed to her face.
A lump lodged in my throat. Now look what you’ve done.
I pushed the button for the ground floor and the lift shot back down. I stumbled through reception and staggered outside, where it was dark and cool. Everything was spinning like a fairground ride, and I was violently sick in a bush. I cried as I lurched down the road that had led us to Rosses Point, earlier that day.
‘What’s wrong with you, Colleen?’ I shouted at the sky. It was as though I had a self-destruct button. Ella and Maisie were the first good things to enter my life, and this was how I treated them.
I wasn’t sure how long I’d been walking when I dropped on a bench, trying to work out where I was. It was dark, not even a street lamp or a house light to pierce the blackness. The silence was oppressive.
I closed my eyes, tears squeezing through my lashes.
I didn’t hear the car pull up in front of me.