‘Enough of the tears, Ella.’ I’d been hugging her for so long, my T-shirt was damp. ‘You’ll flood the place.’
She jolted away as I rose to my feet, her watery eyes skittering to the window.
‘We have to get out of here.’
‘Don’t you think I’ve tried?’ I followed her gaze. ‘It’s too small.’
‘If I give you a leg-up, you could wriggle out.’
‘The window won’t open wide enough.’
‘We could at least try.’ Her voice was strangled by panic. ‘We can’t just wait for him to come back.’
In spite of myself, I felt a sliver of hope. ‘Go on then.’
The next few minutes were a blur of panic-fuelled movement, as Ella – clearly in pain from the way she cried out as she hobbled towards the boxes – braced herself so that when I climbed up she could support my wobbling weight on her shoulders, but it was obvious straight away that the window wasn’t wide enough to squeeze through, even if I could have pushed the frame out.
‘Let me try.’ Ella sounded desperate, but as well as a rapidly swelling ankle that made her wince when she moved, she was curvier than me. It was obvious that neither of us was going anywhere.
‘No point,’ I said, collapsing back on the floor. ‘We’re screwed.’
Ella retreated to the wall and sat down, arms curled around her knees. She’d lost a flip-flop in the kerfuffle, and her hair was all over the place. She looked childlike and vulnerable and the protective surge I felt towards her scared me.
She’s here because of me.
‘How the hell do you know Jake?’ I asked again, crossing to kneel in front of her, conscious of how awful I must look in the weird dress he’d made me wear. I didn’t smell too great either, especially after the latest burst of activity.
‘He said he was bringing me here to talk to you.’ Her words were fast and breathless as she gulped back tears. ‘He … he said you’d locked yourself in a bedroom and wouldn’t come out, and the least I could do was try and get through to you.’
‘Oh my God.’ I rubbed my forehead. ‘You should have ignored him, Ella. Jake is crazy. I can’t believe you were so gullible and fecking stupid.’
Her head jerked up, and with a flash of spirit she said, ‘You told me you were happily married, Colleen. How was I to know I was dealing with a twisted psychopath? Why did you lie?’
I studied my fingers. ‘I …’
‘If you hadn’t lied, neither of us would be here now.’ She was shaking, her voice trembling, her eyes enormous pools of hurt. ‘Why didn’t you tell me the truth, Colleen?’
I looked at her, in her fancy suede jacket, with her pearly, manicured nails, and anger flared, hot and unreasonable. I shrugged, blasé. ‘Why tell the truth when a lie will do.’
‘You’re pathetic.’
‘Listen, nobody forced you to come to Ireland,’ I spat. ‘I didn’t ask you to invade my life.’
‘What the hell did you think would happen when you asked me to book the hotel? When I turned up?’ She scrabbled up, holding one foot aloft, steadying herself against the wall with her hands. ‘You said you wanted to meet me, that you were happy about meeting me.’ She was shouting, her face flushed and tear stained. ‘If you’d only told me you’d left your husband again …’
‘Again? I’ve never left him before,’ I shouted back.
She looked confused, as if she was translating my words in her head. ‘He said it wasn’t the first time you’d run away.’
‘Oh, and you’re going to believe every word a crazed, kidnapping arsehole has to say?’
‘How could I have known what he was really like?’ Her face was incredulous. ‘I only spoke to him over a pot of tea, and—’
‘To be honest,’ I cut in, feeling worse with every word that came out of my mouth, ‘what mine and Jake’s relationship is – was – had nothing to do with you. I didn’t tell you at the hotel because it was the first time I’d met you. You were a stranger.’ My voice was hard, but I couldn’t help it. She should have gone home and forgotten about me. ‘You still are.’
Tears flooded her eyes once more, but her hands clenched by her sides. Despite where we were, it seemed to be the fact I’d lied, let her down and called her a stranger that hurt more than anything else.
‘You’re my sister, whether you like it or not,’ she said, with a defiant lift of her chin. ‘I wanted to be a part of your life.’
‘For God’s sake, Ella, wake up.’ I turned away, stomach lurching. I felt like throwing up. I wanted to scream in her trusting face that I wasn’t capable of being a sister, or having a sister, that I didn’t deserve one. The fact she was stuck here with me proved it.
I moved to the opposite wall, slid down to the floor, and buried my head in my dry and flaky hands. They smelt of bleach. I lowered them and picked at the dissolving stitches in my finger. My arm still hurt, but I wanted it to. Pain helped. God, I need a drink.
Silence followed. Ella stood by the wall on one leg, arms wrapped tightly around her body, stifling sobs.
‘What’s wrong with your foot?’ I asked eventually.
She lifted her head and pushed her hair off her face. ‘I hurt my ankle when he pulled me down the steps.’
Shit. ‘Sorry.’
Her breathing slowly steadied. ‘It’s not your fault,’ she said, brushing a hand over her face, but we both knew it was.
She didn’t seem to have noticed the bucket and spade, or the notes from Jake – or if she had, she made no comment. She stared at me with the stunned air of someone emerging from a nightmare, then sank to the floor once more, chewing her thumbnail.
The rain had picked up again, pattering against the window.
I watched Ella for some time before saying, ‘So how did Jake find you?’ I tried to picture them bumping into each other, but couldn’t. ‘How did he know who you were?’
She massaged her temples with her fingertips. ‘He didn’t know who I was,’ she said. ‘Not at first. He was staying at the hotel and saw us together and later, after you’d disappeared, he approached me.’
‘I knew he’d followed me to Sligo,’ I said. ‘He’s been with me every step of the way.’ I looked into her eyes. ‘You know, he told me once he’d rather I died, than leave him.’
‘Colleen, that’s awful.’ The look on Ella’s face told me Greg would never speak to her like that. I thought of Jake’s cold blue eyes, the way he always looked so composed, never a hair out of place. ‘Words, that’s all I thought they were,’ I said. ‘Words to keep me with him.’
‘And now?’ Ella’s eyes were pleading. ‘Do you think they’re just words now?’
I shrugged. ‘I don’t know anymore. It’s as though he’s finally lost it. He sent me some bloody weird texts.’ And the lilies.
Ella rubbed her ankle, grimacing with pain. ‘He’s going to kill us, isn’t he?’ Her pupils were dilated. ‘Colleen? He won’t risk letting us go, because we’ll tell the police.’
My blood froze. I’d gone down the scenario of Jake killing me so many times since he’d brought me here, trying to work out whether he was capable of taking a life. He was a surgeon, someone who saved lives, not extinguished them. Although it wouldn’t be the first time a doctor had committed murder. I’d never pushed him like this before. I’d always done and said what he wanted. Good little Colleen, his pretty little puppet.
I looked at Ella’s open, tear-blotched face. I didn’t want to lie to her anymore, but avoiding the truth as I saw it, for her sake, wasn’t the same thing. ‘I’m sure he won’t kill us,’ I said, with more conviction than I felt. ‘He’s playing a game with me, that’s all. Getting his own back for me walking out.’
‘All the things you told me at the hotel,’ she said after a pause. ‘Was any of it true?’
I shook my head, made myself look at her. ‘I wanted you to believe I had a good life, a life like yours. But the truth is, my whole existence has been a joke.’ I tried to laugh, but it sounded rough. ‘And when I finally find my father, look what happens.’
I was coming across as a pathetic victim. I wanted to slap myself, but to my surprise, Ella said softly, ‘I’m so sorry, Colleen. I’m sorry you felt you needed to lie to me.’
‘OK, now I feel really bad.’ It was a lame attempt at lightening the mood. I lowered my head and pushed my hands through my unevenly chopped hair, missing the weight of it. ‘I thought you’d run a mile if you knew the truth,’ I said, but in all honesty, I hadn’t thought about it much at all.
‘You tried to kiss Greg, didn’t you?’ Her tone was cautious, as though she hoped I’d deny it. She waited and when I looked up, her expression hovered somewhere between hopeful and angry.
‘My head is fucked, Ella,’ I said. ‘Don’t you get it?’
‘I’ll take that as a yes.’ She closed her eyes, as if holding back more tears.
‘Nothing happened with Greg.’ It was suddenly important she understood that. ‘He wasn’t interested in me.’
‘But what if he’d responded?’ Her eyes snapped open. ‘What if he’d …?’
‘Then I’d have done you a favour. You could have told him to piss off.’ I buried my head in my hands again. I’d kissed her husband. The man she loved. I hated myself. But I still didn’t know my motives, not really. Had I seen something in Greg that I felt she shouldn’t trust, and wanted to show her she’d picked the wrong man? Well, he’d proved me wrong on that count. Or had I simply been pissed and jealous – wanted what she had?
‘You’re an awful person, Colleen.’ She said it so quietly, I barely heard, but the sadness in her voice cut through me, deeper than I could have imagined.
‘Sure. I agree. Tell me something I don’t already know,’ I said, with a flippancy I didn’t feel.
Her chin trembled. ‘I thought we might be alike, or you might take after Mum, but I don’t even know who you are.’
‘But isn’t that the point, Ella?’ I shrugged. ‘We don’t know each other at all.’ I paused, searching for the right words, wondering why it mattered when we had far worse things to worry about. ‘When you came looking for me, you were searching for something you lost when your ma died. You wanted someone to fill that void. You were doing it for you, not for us.’
Her eyes widened. ‘What are you, a psychiatrist?’ Her voice broke. ‘It’s not true.’
‘Of course it’s true.’ I didn’t mean to hurt her. I just wanted her to see things as they were. ‘You knew pretty soon I wasn’t what you were looking for; you even said you didn’t want someone like me in your life, but you wouldn’t give up, even when I tried to kiss your husband. And even when I disappeared, you didn’t go home. You needed me to fill that gap your ma left.’
Ella burst into tears. ‘She was your mum too.’
I shook my head. ‘Anna wasn’t my mother.’ The words hurt as I said them, but they felt true. ‘You have to earn that status. Whatever she might have called it at the time, she abandoned me.’
‘So did your father,’ Ella fired back, brushing tears from her cheeks with the heel of her hand. ‘Yet you couldn’t wait to meet him.’
My insides twisted at the mention of Reagan. It was doubtful I’d ever get to see him now. ‘I can’t explain it, but that was different,’ I said. ‘And yes, I know he was years too late, and probably wouldn’t have bothered hanging around once he got to know me, but still.’
Christ, I was playing the victim again. But it was true.
Ella was biting her lip so hard it had turned white. ‘Colleen,’ she said at last. ‘There’s something I need to tell you.’
‘Sure, fire away.’ I felt suddenly weary. ‘Go ahead,’ I added, when she looked like she’d changed her mind. ‘It’s not like I’m going anywhere.’
‘I texted Reagan.’
‘What?’ My head shot up and I stared at her. ‘My father?’
She nodded, her expression oddly defiant. ‘You left your phone at the hotel. I read your messages. I thought there might be a clue to where you’d gone. I was worried about you …’
‘And?’ My pulse raced. I moved over and gripped her arm. ‘Go on.’
‘There was a message from Reagan and I replied to it,’ she said, not pulling away from me. ‘And you had a text from someone called Alfie.’
‘Alfie?’ A jolt ran through me. I hadn’t expected him to get in touch.
She nodded. ‘He sounded like someone who cares about you.’ She paused. ‘Are you having an affair with him?’
‘No.’ I felt hot all over. ‘Why would you say that?’ But there was something inside me that half-wished the answer was yes.
‘Sorry.’ She paused. ‘I’m afraid I pretended to be you, and I told him where you were staying. I was hoping he might help me find you.’
‘You impersonated me?’ I let go of her and reeled back, unsure whether I was annoyed or impressed. ‘Sweet Mary mother of God.’
‘No, no, well, not with Reagan. Not when I met him, anyway.’
I stared at her, astonished. ‘You met up with my da?’ A moment of anger, or envy, that she’d met him first, dissolved into curiosity. ‘What’s he like? Did he talk about me? What did he say?’ I sounded desperate.
Ella raised a weak smile. ‘He seemed nice,’ she said. ‘He regrets not being in your life, and wants to meet you.’
Jesus. It was more than I could have hoped for.
I was about to speak, when a sound brought me tumbling to earth. There was a slice of movement outside the door and another labelled key was thrust underneath.
‘Is he out there?’ Ella stumbled up and joined me as I shot forward. ‘Jake?’ she called.
‘No point shouting, I’ve tried. He doesn’t do small talk.’
She stared at the key. ‘What’s it for?’
‘Box number 3,’ I said, in a parody of a TV announcer, picking it up and turning it over in my hands. On the reverse of the label there were two brief sentences that made my stomach clench.
This is for the final box, Colleen. Then it’s all over.