Colleen left to see Reagan and I sank on the edge of the bed trying to imagine the scene. Part of me wanted to go with her, but it was their moment – one that, this time, didn’t involve Gabriel’s body flailing over a cliff top and hitting the rocks below.
I’d watched in horror, but couldn’t bring myself to look – to see if he was dead – even if my ankle hadn’t felt on fire, and my lungs about to burst. The only important thing at that moment was that Colleen had been safe, huddled in Reagan’s arms. She’d said something to him, her words carried away by the wind, and he’d murmured back as I’d stumbled forward to take her in my arms.
When Reagan turned up at the hospital in an ancient Volvo, he’d found me waiting in the car park, half-slumped against the wall, clutching the hospital blanket around me, and the necklace I couldn’t seem to let go of, trying not to be spotted by nursing staff.
‘I knew something wasn’t right,’ he’d said, after bundling me into the passenger seat with a worried glance at my grubby bare feet and bandaged ankle, and before I could put on my seatbelt we were heading at speed towards Aughris Head. ‘In fact, I called Celia after I saw you at the café, but she didn’t know any more than us.’ Deep lines of stress were etched into his forehead. ‘Then I saw on the news about the fire at the farmhouse. It kills me I wasn’t there to help my girl.’
I’d gripped the sides of the seat as Reagan swung the car towards the cliff road, sweat breaking out on my forehead, feeling sick with panic and pain. ‘I hope I’m not wrong, that’s all, because I don’t know where else to look … What if we’re too late?’
‘They’d better lock up that sick bastard and throw away the key,’ he said, his voice a growl, eyes dark with anger as we pulled into a car parking area. There was only one car there, its back door swinging open. ‘If I get my hands on him …’
I jolted back to the moment as Greg strode in with my bag, bringing with him a warm, clean scent of sunshine. ‘I thought you might want to get changed before we leave,’ he said.
‘Did you see Colleen?’
His smile faded. ‘I waited until she’d left the hotel room.’ His voice had cooled. ‘I wouldn’t have known what to say.’
It filled me with sadness that he was avoiding her, but seeing it from his point of view, I could hardly blame him.
He dropped the bag and drew me into his arms. Since his arrival he’d barely let go of me. He kept tracing my face with his hand, his eyes searching mine. It was as if he hadn’t seen me properly for a long time.
‘I shouldn’t have gone home,’ he said for the hundredth time. ‘I’ll never forgive myself for that.’
‘You weren’t to know, Greg.’ I wrapped my arms around his waist, enjoying the solid feel of him, and the tickly sensation of his newly grown beard on my cheek. All the barriers had come down. ‘I shouldn’t have accused you of lying about Colleen.’
‘I can’t really blame you after … after what happened before, but I promised you, Ella, I would never do anything like that again and I meant it.’
I moved back and looked at his face, saw lines of strain between his eyebrows and a smudge of worry in his eyes. ‘I know,’ I said. I remembered the feeling of well-being I’d had waking up in hospital the day before, so glad to be alive. ‘Things are going to be different,’ I said with conviction. ‘We need to spend more time together, stop working so hard. At least, you do.’
He didn’t hesitate. ‘I agree.’ He rested his forehead on mine. ‘All this has made me realise what’s important. I don’t want to be a partner at work; I want to spend time with my family.’
‘Oh, Greg.’ I rested my head on his shoulder, absorbing his warmth. I thought of our losses – his father, my mother – and the grief that had bent our relationship out of shape. ‘I’m sorry I kept pushing you away,’ I said. ‘I think subconsciously I was trying to keep you at arm’s length. Maybe I was scared of getting hurt again.’
‘I know.’ His arms tightened around me. ‘Maisie can’t wait to see you,’ he said, a break in his voice.
Hearing my daughter’s name pulled something tight in my chest. I couldn’t wait to see her. Something else occurred to me; something I’d been putting off.
‘I need to talk to Dad.’
Greg let go of me with obvious reluctance and pulled his phone from his pocket. ‘Do it now,’ he said gently. ‘I’ll wait outside.’
My heart shrivelled as I found Dad’s number and pressed Dial, wondering what I was going to say to him. To my surprise, he picked up right away. ‘Dad, it’s Ella. I don’t want you to worry, but …’
I explained what had happened, but even though I edited out the worst details, he grew angry and upset. ‘I’m coming over,’ he said, before I’d finished.
‘There’s no point, Dad, we’re coming home today.’
‘I found the letter.’ His voice was brusque with emotion. ‘I knew you were going over there. I should have stopped you.’
‘What?’ My heartbeat faltered. ‘Dad, did you know about Colleen all along?’ I hadn’t planned to say it, but there didn’t seem much point holding back after everything that had happened.
There was a brief silence, then a short exhalation of breath. ‘Your mum told me about her, not long after we met.’ He sounded hesitant now, unlike his usual self. ‘I admit I didn’t react well. We agreed not to discuss it again, that it was all in the past. I don’t know if she ever thought about her after that.’ His voice was pained, and I guessed it was hard to say things he’d kept buried all this time. ‘Or him,’ he added.
I knew he meant Reagan. ‘Oh, Dad.’ I realised he must have wondered, as I had, whether she’d secretly yearned for Reagan all along.
‘She loved you,’ I said firmly. ‘She loved us both, but I think she wanted me to find Colleen and that’s why she asked me to clear out her wardrobe. Why she kept saying sorry before she died.’
‘I wish you hadn’t found her.’ His voice roughened. ‘She’s trouble. She nearly got you killed.’
‘That wasn’t her fault, Dad.’ A flame of defensiveness ignited. ‘She’s had a difficult life, and that’s partly because Mum didn’t keep her. I feel I owe—’
‘I don’t want to hear it.’ His words cut through mine. ‘I don’t care about her. We don’t owe her anything. If you want to stay in touch that’s your business, but I want no part of it.’
‘Dad …’
‘I miss you, Ellie. I just want you home where you belong.’ In contrast to the start of our conversation, his feelings flowed into words more easily than they’d ever done. ‘I love you,’ he said.
I bit back a swell of feeling. ‘I love you too, Dad.’ Silence fell, but for once, it didn’t feel awkward. ‘We’ll talk properly when I get back.’
‘I don’t think it’s going to be easy,’ I said to Greg, once I’d beckoned him back into the room, pulling a floral skirt and a clean white top from my bag. The clothes I’d been wearing at the farmhouse had disappeared, but I didn’t care. My ankle was reminder enough, along with the flashbacks, and the self-recrimination in Greg’s eyes. ‘I don’t think he’ll ever accept Colleen as my sister, because it reminds him Mum wasn’t perfect – that she had a past that didn’t involve him.’
‘It won’t be easy for any of us,’ Greg said, and I wondered whether he was talking about himself. He glanced at his watch. Our flight was booked and we couldn’t wait to get home. I knew I might have to return to Ireland once Gabriel’s body washed up, when the police would want to speak to us again – but I didn’t want to think about that now. When it happened, I’d be with Colleen. We would get through it together.
I washed and dressed in the adjoining bathroom, brushing my hair until it shone and crackled with electricity. I detected a hint of smoke, as if I’d absorbed it through my skin – or maybe it was my imagination.
In the mirror, my face was lightly tanned, my complexion clear. There was no outward sign that anything had happened, except perhaps a faint shadow in my eyes, but my world had been shaken like a snow globe, and everything had settled slightly differently.
When Greg thrust open the door to tell me the doctor was waiting to discharge me, my heart gave a painful thud.
‘Just coming.’ I gripped the edge of the sink for a moment, breathing deeply until my pulse slowed.
After the doctor had been reassured I could use a crutch, and my lungs were clear of smoke, he wished me luck and Greg and I made our way to the visitors’ room.
I was aware of curious stares, and hoped that back in England interest in our story would be less intense. We’d had offers to talk to the media, to tell our side of the story, but Colleen had brushed them off.
‘I had enough of the press hanging around after Bryony drowned,’ was all she said.
She and Reagan were sitting side by side, their heads close, talking in low voices, but stood up when we entered. Colleen looked different, and not because she was wearing my clothes, which didn’t quite fit, or because her hair looked soft and shiny, catching the light from the window. She looked less brittle, her features smoothed out, her eyes lit from within. It was as if meeting her father had wiped out some of the bad things that had happened – some of which I didn’t want to examine. Like whether Gabriel had fallen, or Colleen had pushed him.
‘We’ll leave you to it,’ Reagan said rising, his gaze not wavering from Colleen’s face. His air was protective, fatherly. It was coming off him in waves and I was glad. Colleen deserved to have at least one good relationship in her life.
‘Ten minutes,’ Greg murmured, his breath tickling my ear. He didn’t look at Colleen. I guessed he still held her responsible for everything that had happened and maybe always would, but I also knew he understood she was part of my life now – if she wanted to be.
‘Look at you, Long John Silver,’ she said with a grin that was almost shy, when Greg and Reagan had left the room, their voices mingling outside. ‘Is it less painful now?’
‘A bit,’ I lied, hobbling closer. The room was functional, painted a soft, pale grey, with a sofa in a darker shade and a box of tissues on a wooden table. ‘Looks as if things went well between you two.’
She nodded, eyes bright. ‘Being kidnapped and almost killed …’ She paused and inhaled sharply, as if the memory had hit her afresh. ‘It certainly cut through the crap,’ she went on. ‘We just talked and talked. About everything.’
I groped for something meaningful to say. ‘That’s good,’ was the best I could do. ‘What about Jake?’
‘What about him?’ Her voice was filled with contempt.
‘He saved our lives, Colleen.’
She laughed. ‘More good luck than anything,’ she said, her shoulders tensing beneath my T-shirt, which was baggy on her.
‘You don’t know that for sure.’ I remembered the way he’d called after her as we fled, the anguish in his voice. Did he love her? I reminded myself I didn’t know him at all.
‘You know what, I didn’t think I’d care if I died,’ Colleen said. ‘But in that basement, and then on the cliff, I realised I bloody well did. I wanted to live more than anything.’
‘Well I, for one, am glad,’ I said, softly.
‘You know what else? My da just told me it wasn’t my fault. Not just that, but Bryony. That what happened to her was an accident.’ Her eyes shone with tears. ‘Nobody has ever said that to me before.’
‘Well, they should have.’ I felt an ache in my heart. If only Mum hadn’t given her up, she’d have had a completely different life; a better one, I was sure of it. ‘I’m so sorry, Colleen.’
She looked at me, as if she knew what I was thinking. ‘What’s done is done.’ She arched her eyebrows. ‘You said it yourself, remember? We can’t change the past. And maybe if Anna had kept me, she wouldn’t have met your dad and you’d never have been born.’
‘I suppose so.’
She rubbed the back of her neck and shifted from foot to foot. She was wearing a pair of my sandals, with glittery straps, and her feet looked oddly childlike. ‘I want us to move forward,’ she said. ‘But I still don’t know if I can. If you can.’
‘We can if we want to.’ I closed the gap between us. ‘What happened is over, Colleen.’ Her face blurred as tears leapt to my eyes, blending with the sunlight streaming in. ‘I want to be in your life, if you’ll have me.’
‘Sounds like a marriage proposal.’ She reached out and traced the freckles on my arm with her finger. We stood for a moment, not speaking.
‘I’m going back with Reagan, to see Celia,’ she said at last, dropping her hand. ‘She doesn’t deserve it, but I guess she’s had a shite time of it over the years. I should make my peace with her.’
Her words weren’t a dismissal. They were an invitation. She was including me in her plans for the future. ‘That’s great,’ I said, tears sliding down my cheeks.
‘Jesus, you’re an emotional one.’ Feigning exasperation, Colleen stooped to pluck a tissue from the box on the table and handed it to me, and it felt so much like something a sister would do that my tears flowed faster.
‘Making up for lost time, I suppose.’ I blew my nose and tried to smile. ‘I’d better go.’ I was aware of Greg waiting, impatient for us to leave, and Reagan, worried about his daughter. ‘Take care of yourself, won’t you?’
‘You too.’ Leaning over, she pressed soft lips to my cheek. ‘Can you still smell smoke, Ella?’
‘All the time,’ I said. ‘I see … I see him too, going over the cliff.’
We fell silent, meeting each other’s gaze, the space between us shrinking, and I knew in that moment she would never tell me exactly what had happened in those last few seconds – maybe didn’t know herself – and I would never ask.
‘I’ll come to England soon,’ she said, a catch in her voice. ‘I’d like to see where she’s buried. Anna, I mean.’ She hesitated. ‘Our mother.’ Her eyes held a promise, and I saw a shadow of Mum in her smile and hoped that wherever she was, our mother could see her girls, so different, yet inextricably linked, and I hoped she was happy we’d finally found one another.
I reached out and took Colleen’s hand. ‘I’d really like that,’ I said.