Throwing Off the Shackles: Fear and Shame

It’s a tall order: Just how do you throw off those shackles and become the sexual person you want to be? This doesn’t mean becoming someone else, or doing things “the right way,” but becoming yourself: your authentic sexual self. A key element to that success is overcoming or resisting fear and shame.

Many of us have received truly negative messages about all sex or some kinds of sex. We generally start receiving these messages when we’re too young and not yet consciously evolved enough to know whether they reflect reality or some kind of bias; they can start at home, at school, or in religious institutions, and are reflected in the media and by our peers. They may be enforced by name-calling, bullying, and singling out those who seem different, and by the time all this ripples out from the original sex-negative message someone heard in the first place, a web has been spun that touches practically everyone. Most often these messages are so thoroughly woven into the fabric of life that most people don’t question if it might be otherwise. Good sex education could unravel this fabric and deliver a new perspective and information that might change our feelings and experiences. Learning more about sex would allow us to optimize our experience—have really good sex, not merely sex that’s “adequate-enough-to-continue-the-species-but-not-to-rock-my-world.”

Too many people have grown up with wrong information, too little information, and/or negative attitudes. Then, on top of it all, those of us who figure out that we want more support and facts don’t know where to turn. By the time we’re old enough to have serious questions about sexuality-related issues, we are frequently too embarrassed to raise them. Sometimes we just don’t want to seem uninformed or ignorant. Other times, we’re afraid our question will lead others to judge us.

We may not have the nerve to find information or support because we’ve already internalized those judgments. We’re afraid there’s something wrong with us: with our bodies, our desires, our responses. And this interlocking set of issues is likely responsible for most of the sexual dysfunction in our society—and in our relationships and individual lives.

Mostly we don’t hear the message that there might be something wrong with the culture that, after all, started this judgmental stuff in the first place. At best, we may hear nothing at all about our desires or sexual practices—but if these are OK, why the silence? Some of us didn’t get one word of positive reinforcement or any sense that other people out there might share our interests or have the same questions. This can affect so much about us: our self-esteem, trust, the notion that we can get our desires met with a loving partner. Sometimes people turn to alcohol and drugs to deal with these feelings of shame and confusion. Others withdraw and avoid relationships; some have lots of sex, but without respect for their partners, because, after all, if they themselves are not OK, the people they have sex with aren’t OK either.

Virtually every element of sexuality can be affected by these problems. Here are just a few examples:

—Girls and women, especially, often receive the message that sex is dirty (and they should “save it for someone they love”). Any sexual curiosity or exploration leaves them vulnerable to slut-shaming and sexualized bullying. An ugly irony is that even virgins can be called sluts and subjected to bullying. Nothing about bullying is rational.

—Men are supposed to know all about sex—their own responses and their partners’—so they are embarrassed to reveal it if they know little. Without education, information about arousal and pleasure might never get through.

—Women (and sometimes men, too) may start faking orgasm, thinking they have to do this because there’s something wrong with them—or with their partner who’s unable to “make” them come.

—People of every gender have a hard time talking about sexual limits and boundaries, and are at risk for sexually transmitted conditions because it’s hard to speak up.

—Without access to positive images making it clear that people are different, with different wants and needs, it can leave some thinking they’re abnormal, even if their sexual desire—for a same-sex partner, or sex without intercourse, or anal play, or to spank their partner, or a million different things—is in fact quite common.

—Some don’t share their secrets with their partners, afraid they’ll lose out on intimacy and risk destroying a relationship if the truth comes out.

—Many feel shame about masturbation, even though it is a natural and basic sexual activity.

—Some might think their genitals or other parts of their body are ugly, unsexy, unlovable, or even deformed.

The point is that lovemaking opens up carefully guarded vulnerabilities. Indeed, the very joy of lovemaking comes from allowing frozen feelings and sensations to melt into volcanic bubblings.…

–Marco Vassi

If fear and shame have been part of a person’s experience of sex, sexual desire, or even sexual curiosity, they can suffer the consequences in almost any area of life. And because fear and shame are so common, it’s possible that many—maybe most!—people live their lives hindered by negative messages about sex. We’ll never know how different our society would be if everyone could count on positive messages and correct information…at least not until such changes occur at a societal level. But we do know it’s possible for individual people and communities to overcome fear and shame and their toxic effects, and we know that any movement in this direction can pay big dividends for your happiness, self-esteem, health, and for your relationships too.

Some ways of dealing with fear and shame, and getting past them:

• Seek out the community of others who have similar experiences or who have overcome similar problems.
• Get information that helps you separate negative and biased messages from real fact.
• Open up to a counselor or therapist.
• Begin to talk more openly about sexuality with friends or partners.
• Tune in and recognize problematic messages about sex in the media and actively search for more positive resources.
• Seek to understand the ways in which sex-negative social pressure affects people: “Know thyself” is a philosophical touchstone because it can help you put things into perspective, the first step toward change.
• If problematic messages have come from religious sources in your life, consider looking for spiritual communities where sex is valued in a more positive way.
• If friends and family still espouse negative attitudes, draw boundaries or find new friends who don’t reinforce the negativity.
• Work on self-esteem and seek to reinforce shame-free attitudes in yourself.
• Become politically involved in these issues, or work/volunteer culturally in some other way to help others whose lives are also impacted by shame and fear.

From the very beginning of Good Vibrations’ history, we’ve noticed that some people come into our stores so burdened by fear and/or shame that they can’t even talk to us about what they need, want to buy, or ask questions—some can barely even say hello. Others cannot bring themselves to cross the threshold of the store. We wrote this book for them, and for you, and for every person who has ever needed support and information about sexuality, sexual health, and erotic pleasure.

It is possible to live a vibrant and healthy life filled with love, friends, and community no matter who you are as a sexual person. As long as you can express your desires with others consensually, you can live a life free of shame and fear and find support, as the person you are. Some people will need to work harder than others to get there; some have been damaged more than others by the social attitudes that give rise to fear and shame. But there are people and organizations available to help you on this journey. The result is a sex life and an intimate life you can feel good about; greater self-esteem and comfort in the world; and freedom to be the person you really are. Please let the information we’ve collected here help you on that journey.