Sex-Positivity
(The One Thing I Am NOT Open-Minded About)

By Dr. Carol Queen

Some people have never heard the phrase “sex-positive,” while others embrace it as if it were their sexual identity.

I have been using this term for over 25 years. I first heard it when I moved to San Francisco in the 1980s to earn my PhD at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. I had been doing LGBTQQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer & questioning) activist work since the mid-1970s; this included talking about homophobia. When I heard the term “sex-positive” I immediately saw how it illuminates and addresses a broader erotophobia—that is, how it is related to homophobia and other judgmental takes on sexuality. I never would’ve believed back then how widespread this phrase would become. Lately, though, I have begun to feel that in many circles it has come to be misunderstood.

What follows is the kind of sex-positivity I learned about—and when we use the term in this book and elsewhere, this is what we mean:

Sex-positivity is:

• an acknowledgement that human sexuality is diverse and broad—there’s no one definition of “normal.”
• non-judgmental, or at least including an awareness of, and control over, our judgments.
• against shaming others about sexual and gendered matters, including—perhaps especially—children.
• an acknowledgement that we have certain sexual rights, including the right to comprehensive, appropriate, pleasure-inclusive, positive sex education.
• a construct that invites us to acknowledge that almost any fully consensual behavior might be right for someone, and that nothing is right for everyone.
• an idea that can only be fully expressed in an atmosphere/context of consent. There is no sex-positive environment without consent. Informed, non-coercive consent. Period.
• inclusive of everyone—virgins, asexuals, people who have been abused, and people who have never had pleasurable sex—sex-positivity does not describe the sex someone does or doesn’t have, it describes their attitude about sexual diversity and sexual rights. Of course, it may be a tool to open the door to a much more positive personal experience of sex—but only if it’s what someone wants.
• more than anything, a way to critique our current culture—which clearly is not sex-positive. I express the critique like this: What would it take for our culture to be fully sex-positive? What are the elements that would get us there? I invite you to think about these questions—they represent a lens through which to view sexuality in a personal context and in activist work.
• a notion that provides access to genuine respect for other people’s sexualities.

Sex-positivity is not:

• a phrase that means “I love sex!” Though if you do—that’s great! Yay, you!
• a phrase that means “I’m kinky or experimental; I’m not vanilla.” Vanilla people can be just as sex-positive as kinky people, and in fact, not all kinksters are sex-positive!
• a phrase that can ever be used this way: “If you were really sex-positive, you’d have sex with me/do that kinky thing I want to try/open up our relationship/etc.”
• to be used as a source of judgment or shaming of other people—including heterosexuals, asexuals, non-kinky folk, celibate people, or anyone else.
• a way to judge others for not enjoying sex enough.
• a new norm about what people should do in their sex lives.
• a license to assume that your sexual response, experience, desires, and feelings are or should be shared by everybody else.

If anyone, no matter how sexually frisky and happy they are, tries to use the notion of sex-positivity to judge someone else’s sexual orientation, gender expression, sexual choices, or sexual response, they are not behaving in a sex-positive fashion. Period. They’re misusing the term. I cannot stress this too strongly.

When you are sex-positive, you get that you are not like everybody else, and that’s all good. As in:

• I’m attracted to people who are like this, and others may be attracted to people who are like that.
• I have orgasms this way, and other people have orgasms that way.
• I like this sex toy and other people might not, and vice versa.
• I like this kind of sex, so other people get to like their kind of sex.
• I want a certain kind of relationship, and others get to want the kind of relationship that works best for them.
• I respond this way to this sexual behavior or action, but other people might respond a different way.
• I grew up with beliefs and experiences in a particular cultural context that affects my sexual feelings now; other people grew up within other cultural contexts.

And so on! Does it sound like “sex-positive” includes a certain “It’s not all about me” element? Yes, that too.

By the way, Good Vibrations has its own take on this issue; here’s an excerpt from the Sex-Positivity section of the goodvibes.com website:

At Good Vibrations, we believe that sexual pleasure is everyone’s birthright.

We believe that sexual pleasure is an important part of all of our lives, and that everyone should be able to live the sex life that’s right for them. We take it as our mission to respond to all forms of sexual shame and support people as they discover their authentic sexual selves.

We believe that any adult consensual sexual activity is something to affirm and celebrate. We do not judge anyone’s sexual preferences or choices, so long as those choices and activities are between adults and consented to by everyone involved or affected.

Ongoing education is essential to our mission. In order to be the best possible resource for our customers, we constantly strive to have a better understanding of sexual variation and to advance our own knowledge of sexual pleasure and desire.

To provide an environment that is supportive of our customer’s needs, we understand that our Sex Educator Sales Associates must maintain an open and respectful attitude and to model sex-positive, non-judgmental communication at all times.

So go forth and be as sex-positive as you wish! And please debunk other peoples’ misuse of this term. Too many sex people­—by which I mean people who identify on the basis of their sexual activities and who might engage in activities like BDSM, sex parties, exhibitionism, etc.—are not sex-positive enough. This term and the ideas it represents are extraordinary tools of analysis and activism, and we need to wield these tools cleanly—not mucked up with the idea that only the chosen few are sex-positive based on their behavior or orientation.