Chapter Nine
The Terrifying Mr. Turtlesnaps

First off, let’s make something clear: his name is pronounced “Mr. Turtle-Snaps” not “Mr. Turtles-Naps.” Second, he’s not a turtle, he’s a giant land tortoise, and don’t you forget it. There’s a huge difference. For one, unlike turtles, tortoises live entirely above water, only wading into streams to clean themselves or to drink. In fact, they could drown in a deep or swift current. Turtles love the water.

On a spring morning last year, Mr. Turtlesnaps had an interview with Principal Headcrusher to become a teacher at Scary School.

He showed up fifteen minutes late and crawled slowly into the principal’s office. With great effort, he hoisted himself up on his hind legs and plopped down in a chair.

“You’re late,” said Principal Headcrusher.

Mr. Turtlesnaps answered in a soft voice that evoked ancient wisdom. “Sorry, but you try being on time when your top speed is one mile per hour on a slick surface.”

“Normally, I would crush a teacher’s head for being so late,” warned Principal Headcrusher, raising her hands and making a crushing gesture with her enormous fists.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Mr. Turtlesnaps replied.

“What brings you to Scary School, Mr. Turtlesnaps?”

“I got fired from Animal School.”

“What for?”

“Being late too much.”

“And why won’t that happen if you work here?”

“Scary School is much closer to my home. I live right across the street.”

“Across the street? But there are no houses across the street.”

“I know. I live on top of Goblin Hill and spend most of my time lying on a flat rock that gets nice and hot. Me oh my, I do love that rock.”

“I suppose that makes sense. But to the point: you may have heard that our science teacher, Mr. Acidbath, suffered a terrible Fear Gas accident during one of his classes and will be recovering from that mishap for the better part of his life. We’re looking for someone to fill in for him for the next fifty years or so.”

“Sounds tuuuurtle-iffic,” said Mr. Turtlesnaps, chuckling to himself.

Principal Headcrusher didn’t get the joke and went on. “Just what makes you qualified to teach science?” she probed.

“I lived on the Galápagos Islands nearly all of my life. Back when I was a young tortoise of seventy-five, a scientist named Darwin came and lived with us for a spell. We became friends and when he passed on, he left me all his books on science. I’m a bit of a slow reader, but I spent the next sixty years reading all the books, and when I finished reading one, I immediately ate the book to make sure I had fully digested the material.”

“Impressive. Well, I have no doubts about your scientific expertise, but I’m not sure you would fit in at this school.”

“Why not?”

“I think you’re perfectly suited for Animal School, but I just don’t see what could possibly be scary about a turtle.”

“Tortoise,” he interjected. “And don’t you forget it.”

“Whatever you are, you seem to be kind, slow, and quite adorable in an odd sort of way.”

“You’re saying I need to be scarier in order to teach here?”

“Yes. Studies have shown that the more scared children are, the better they learn. After all, what could be better motivation to study than knowing your teacher will tear your arms off if you answer a question wrong? Parents pay good money for their children to come here and be scared out of their wits at all times. If every so often we lose one of our students, well, as your friend must have taught you, it’s survival of the fittest.”

“He didn’t teach me that. I taught him.”

“Be that as it may, I just don’t see you fitting in here,” said Principal Headcrusher, chuckling to herself.

“Hmm . . .” Mr. Turtlesnaps lowered his head and scratched his noggin with his stumpy foot, then suddenly he sprang up and yelled, “Boo!”

Principal Headcrusher didn’t flinch one bit.

“Okay, I guess you’re right,” muttered Mr. Turtlesnaps, and he quickly drew his arms and legs inside his shell and plopped down onto the floor with a thud. Then he popped his arms and legs back out and slowly crawled toward the door.

But before he got there, he stopped, seemed to think of something, and slowly curled his head around like a question mark toward Principal Headcrusher.

“Tell me something,” he said. “Do you think millions of folks dying is scary?”

“Yes, of course,” replied Principal Headcrusher.

“What about tiny, invisible organisms that eat you alive from the inside?”

“That’s very scary, too.”

“What about all the fish and beautiful creatures in the sea suddenly disappearing?”

“Stop it. You really are starting to scare me now.”

“Well, well.” Mr. Turtlesnaps smiled. “All I’m telling you are facts of science. Science shows us that climate change is causing the polar ice caps to melt, which will lead to millions of folks dying in floods, hurricanes, and droughts. Science also shows us that all the tiny bacteria and viruses are growing stronger and evolving faster than we can come up with cures, and all the toxic sewage we’re dumping into the ocean is destroying coral reefs and all the other sea life we love so much. So just because I’m not scary myself, that doesn’t mean the class I teach won’t be scary.”

Principal Headcrusher was speechless.

Mr. Turtlesnaps turned his head around and began to crawl out again.

“Wait!” yelled Principal Headcrusher. “I hope I don’t regret this, but . . . you’re hired.”

“Well, thank you,” he said. “I have always believed that the changes happening in the world are what kids should be afraid of, not all these vampires, werewolves, and other creepies running around.”

“Just one word of warning,” said Principal Headcrusher as she opened the door for him. “Nothing irks me more than tardiness. If you are late for just one of your classes, I will squish your head like a grape, and then I will fire you!”

“Agreed,” said Mr. Turtlesnaps with a smile.

On Mr. Turtlesnaps’s first day, he crawled into his classroom twenty minutes late. Principal Headcrusher was there waiting for him.

“I warned you,” she said, seething, “and now you’re going to get it!”

She reached out to squish Mr. Turtlesnaps’s head, but when she opened her fist, there was nothing inside. Usually there was a gooey mess. She realized Mr. Turtlesnaps had drawn his head inside his shell.

“You’re fired!” she shouted into his shell.

“I don’t think so!” his voice echoed back to her. “You said you had to crush my head first and then fire me. So until you crush my head, I still work here!”

“I suppose you’re right. You got very lucky.”

“Would you call it luck that I’ve lived to be two hundred and fifty years old with maniacs like you running around? It’s survival of the fittest, my lady. Survival of the fittest!”