Chapter Twelve
A Horrible Halloween

At regular schools, Halloween is the one day every year when everyone and everything is allowed to be scary.

At Scary School it’s the exact opposite. Because it’s always scary at Scary School, Halloween is the one day when absolutely nothing is scary.

Every teacher is as sweet as can be and isn’t allowed to tear off limbs, maim, or eat any of the kids. Dr. Dragonbreath even takes down his rules, and so Charles Nukid and Cindy Chan looked at each other for the first time during class. The gargoyles went on vacation, the Venus flytraps went to sleep, and Mrs. T put corks on her teeth.

This year on Halloween, Principal Headcrusher decided that every student should come to school dressed up in a Halloween costume for a costume contest. The winner’s prize would be a dragon-back ride with Dr. Dragonbreath as he flew above Goblin Hill on his daily patrol.

Every kid was scared to death of winning the costume contest. They were sure Dr. Dragonbreath would eat them during the ride, so nobody wore a costume on Halloween. The only two who came dressed up were Fred and Charles Nukid. Fred came dressed up as a dragon hunter. The kids were now certain that Fred had a death wish.

Charles Nukid came dressed as Dr. Dragonbreath’s Rule Number Five. He was sure he would have the scariest costume and was really hoping to win. Charles Nukid liked Dr. Dragonbreath because he was the only thing, man or beast, who liked rules as much as he did.

During Ms. Fang’s class, the kids were relishing their one day of guaranteed safety.

Jason took out his chainsaw and sawed everyone’s desks into kid-sized hockey sticks. The class played a game of hockey while Ms. Fang was trying to teach a lesson on fractions. At first she was furious that she couldn’t suck the blood of the students causing the commotion, but soon she realized that her lesson in fractions had been put to practical use since Jason had cut all the desks into perfectly proportioned hockey sticks. Satisfied with her remarkable teaching, Ms. Fang sat back at her desk and cheered the classroom hockey game.

At one point, Johnny stole Petunia’s hat and played keep-away with it. By stealing her hat, Johnny was trying to show Petunia that he liked her, but Petunia didn’t get it and got very angry. A hive of bees had been waiting patiently for Petunia’s hat to come off and swarmed the classroom. Johnny finally gave her hat back after everyone had gotten stung.

During lunch, Principal Headcrusher walked into the lunch hall to tell everyone to report to Petrified Pavilion for the results of the costume contest. To her surprise, the lunch hall was empty. All the kids were already at Petrified Pavilion, enjoying the freedom of sneaking inside without being eaten by a gargoyle.

Principal Headcrusher made her way up to Petrified Pavilion, stood on the stage and put her enormous hands to her mouth, which amplified her voice ten times louder than any microphone could. The kids in the front row would suffer minor to significant hearing loss.

“Before we get to the costume contest,” Principal Headcrusher proclaimed, “I have a very special surprise.”

Everyone groaned.

“The goblins that live on Goblin Hill have come all the way from across the street to perform a Halloween play for you. They’ve been working very hard on it for almost two days, so I expect you to give them your full attention.”

Curtains opened, and a gaggle of at least fifty goblins stormed the stage. They were very small, about two feet tall, with long pointy ears, sharp claws, and teeth that weren’t very scary, and big poufs of colorful hair. Some of the goblins were doing a strange dance, but some of them weren’t. They seemed pretty disorganized.

One of the goblins was wearing a red suit and had a big pouf of red hair. He stepped forward and said in a voice that was high and gravelly, as if he had just inhaled helium, “Good afternoon. I am your narrator. The goblins of Goblin Hill are pleased to present the famous tale of The Three Little Pigs!”

All the kids clapped because they liked this story.

The goblins cleared the stage in a mad dash so that the narrator was left alone to commence the action.

“Once upon a time,” said the goblin narrator in the red suit, “there were three little pigs.”

Three goblins crawled onto the stage wearing pig costumes with snouts and curly tails. The kids laughed and cheered.

The narrator continued. “Each little pig held an advanced degree in architecture, so each decided to build his own house.”

A group of goblins wearing yellow straw outfits rushed onto the stage and jumped on top of each others’ shoulders with amazing gymnastic ability. Working together, they formed the shape of a house around the first little pig, complete with chimneys, windows, and doors.

“The first little pig missed the day in class when they taught them not to build houses out of straw. So, he built his house out of grade C straw—the cheapest, flimsiest straw on the market. He was not a smart pig.

“The second little pig was a little bit smarter. He built his house out of twigs. Still not very smart, but definitely better than grade C straw.”

Another group of goblins wearing brown twig costumes rushed the stage and formed a twig house.

“The third little pig was the smartest. He built his house out of bricks.” And more goblins wearing red brick costumes jumped on each other’s shoulders and formed a brick house.

The narrator whispered in a scary tone, “Then, one day, a hungry wolf came into town.”

A goblin wearing a very strange wolf costume walked onto the stage, growling. It looked like the goblin actor had glued blades of grass all over himself to resemble fur.

The narrator continued, “The wolf slunk to the house made of straw. When the little pig refused to let him in, the wolf huffed, and puffed, and blew his house down!”

A goblin stagehand turned on a gigantic electric fan, and a huge gust of wind hit the straw house of goblins. They all fell over on top of one another and crushed the poor pig goblin inside. The goblins were moaning and groaning and seemed to be in a great deal of pain.

The kids in the audience looked around for some acknowledgment that it was part of the show, but everyone seemed equally confused.

“Ha-ha-ha!” laughed the narrator. “The wolf feasted on the stupid pig that built his house of straw.”

The wolf goblin started doing a dance of joy, apparently to distract the audience from looking at the injured goblins being pulled off the stage. It wasn’t working.

“Next, the wolf went to the house that was made of twigs. The pig refused to let him in, so the wolf huffed and puffed and blew that pig’s house down!”

The gigantic fan was turned up even higher this time, and all the goblins that formed the twig house went flying across Petrified Pavilion like they had been shot out of cannons. They hit the back wall and slid down to the floor. They moaned and groaned in their high-pitched, gravelly voices, “That hurt!” “Not good!” “Ouchie-wouchies!”

The kids in the audience were even more horrified. Many started crying and wanted to leave, but remained seated for the sheer morbid curiosity of what would happen next.

“Ha-ha-ha!” laughed the narrator once again. “The wolf enjoyed his second course of stupid pig even more than the first one.”

The wolf goblin finished another silly dance while the injured goblins were quickly carried out of sight, and then he approached the house of brick.

The narrator spoke softly to build the tension: “Finally, the wolf came to the smart pig’s house made out of bricks. No matter how hard he huffed and puffed, he couldn’t blow the house down. So . . . the wolf called his brothers, who were in the demolition business. They brought in a crane and a wrecking ball and aimed it at the brick house.”

Suddenly, a giant wrecking ball dropped from the ceiling of Petrified Pavilion. The stagehand goblins gave the wrecking ball a big push, and it began swinging across the stage.

“Look out!” the children in the audience shouted, but the brick-house goblins held their position and were hit by the enormous wrecking ball. They went flying all over the place. Some goblins weren’t hit at first and remained onstage, exhaling a big sigh of relief, but then the wrecking ball swung back toward them and they got clunked and went flying in the other direction, screaming, “Aaaaaaaagh!”

The narrator finished the story by saying, “And so all the pigs were eaten by the wolf, as is the correct nature of the food chain. Even the smartest pig on Earth is no match for a hungry wolf who has connections in the demolition business. The En—”

The narrator goblin’s final word was cut off because he too was clonked by the wrecking ball, still swinging wildly out of control. He went soaring like a discus across the pavilion. Finally, the wrecking ball smashed through the side wall of Petrified Pavilion and went rolling across the school yard, flattening the slide, the monkey bars, and the merry-go-round.

The kids’ mouths hung open, and almost everyone was crying.

At that point, all the goblins rushed back onto the stage and started bowing and celebrating. They clearly thought they had put on a wonderful performance.

No one was clapping for them, but that didn’t stop the goblins from cheering for themselves. It was very creepy.

Eventually the curtain fell so no one could see the goblins anymore, and then everyone finally started clapping.

Principal Headcrusher took the stage and said, “Okay . . . that was . . . interesting, right?”

All the kids booed.

“Fine, it was awful, so let’s forget about it and get to the costume contest. The finalists for the two best costumes are . . . Fred Kroger and Charles Nukid!”

Everyone rolled their eyes because Fred and Charles were the only two kids wearing costumes.

Dr. Dragonbreath flew onto the stage and said, “Since the prize is a ride with me, I get to decide the winner. I say the winner is Fred.”

All the kids cheered. Fred was back to being the school hero once again.

“What?” exclaimed Charles Nukid. “My outfit is much more scary and creative! Fred is just wearing a Viking helmet and holding a stick that’s supposed to be some kind of spear. That’s not even close to what dragon hunters wear. I’m Rule Number Five!”

“Listen,” said Dr. Dragonbreath, “to be honest, your incessant rule following is very annoying. I’d rather not spend another second with you than I have to.”

“But . . . but . . .”

Charles’s words were too little too late. Now that he was no longer the school hero from his lunchtime success, everyone forgot Charles Nukid’s name and he went back to being called “new kid,” which was fine with him because he thought everyone was still calling him by his last name.

Principal Headcrusher raised her hands to her mouth and announced, “To conclude this very special Halloween, the Ghoul Games chairman, Franz Dietrich Wolfbark, would like to offer you a very special Halloween greeting.”

A screen lowered from the ceiling, and the giant head of Mr. Wolfbark appeared on it. Makeup artists powdering his face quickly dashed out of the frame.

“Greetings, children of Scary School.” Wolfbark spoke in a deep, ominous tone. “I have just been informed that your principal has allowed a gaggle of goblins to perform a Halloween play for you. Performing their awful shows is what makes goblins most happy. Unfortunately for you, goblins are considered the cockroaches of the monster world, and goblins being happy makes us monsters very unhappy. I’m afraid I have no choice but to inform the monster community of this transgression, and now it is certain that none of you stand a chance of surviving the Ghoul Games.”

There were some groans, but most of the kids had already given up hope, and they rolled their eyes at yet another reason why the Ghoul Games would be their untimely end.

Wolfbark concluded by proclaiming, “Have a happy Halloween, and I hope none of you eat any poison candy, because I wouldn’t want to miss the opportunity of watching any of you being eaten alive at the Ghoul Games this spring. Turn off the camera!”

Principal Headcrusher loosened her collar and muttered, “Oh yeah, I forgot about that whole goblin thing. Sorry, kids.”

About two hundred kids slapped their hands on their foreheads at the same time.

After the costume contest, the rest of Ms. Fang’s class went back to the classroom to finish the hockey game. They even convinced Ms. Fang to join in, and she was having a wonderful time.

The only snag in the day came when Ms. Fang tripped over Penny Possum and her hockey stick plunged straight into the chest of Benny Porter, the kid vampire.

“Oopsy!” Ms. Fang said.

Benny Porter shriveled up and died right there on the floor with a hockey stake through his heart.

“I’m so sorry, Benny.”

He was the first kid Ms. Fang had killed all year. Ironically, it was on the one day when everyone was the safest and no kid was supposed to die, but accidents do happen. Benny learned a very important life lesson about not playing hockey indoors, unless, of course, you happen to be playing indoor hockey.

Ms. Fang sounded an alarm, and once again Nurse Hairymoles appeared in the room in a puff of smoke.

“Oh great,” said Nurse Hairymoles. “Now I’m going to have to spend my Halloween night turning this kid into a zombie. And I had so many poison apples I planned on handing out.”

After school, Fred rode on Dr. Dragonbreath’s back as he did his patrol over Goblin Hill. When they got to the top, they saw the goblin actors from the show attacking Mr. Turtlesnaps.

They were hacking at his shell with tiny axes, yelling, “Turtle soup! Turtle soup! Turtle soup!”

Dr. Dragonbreath swooped down and blew a stream of fire that covered the whole hill. The goblins burst into flames and ran down the hill screaming, then jumped into Gremlin River to put themselves out.

Mr. Turtlesnaps poked his head out and waved “thanks” to them.

“Wow!” said Fred. “This is the best dream ever!”