STRIDE 4
Tools & Skills
The feeling: “Instead of fighting and resisting my obstacles, perhaps I should treat them as new sources of information for me. Maybe there’s a way to use my mind, body, and emotional life to create new possibilities.”
Knowing what’s needed for your journey is a first requisite for determining where to focus your time and resources and what to pack in your toolkit.You must have wisdom for knowing what to do next, skill to know how to do it, and virtue to do it.
The ability to learn and do something well, with expertise, may come easily as a natural talent or take years of study to master, but I say that in your knowing what to do next, you should not deter you from giving it all you’ve got, no matter the course of time or outcome.
As a young man always fighting to protect myself and my brothers, I was in awe of the warrior ethos and studied my martial arts with committed reverence and abandoned passion. I was always at the discipline of pushing my body and skills, open to all comers as a test to find the warrior truth of my capabilities, and in most instances I found myself victorious in a match.
Practicing Shaolin kung fu.
While in my early twenties, I was invited to train with a Shorin Ryu karate master, Joe Roberts. His raspy NewYork baritone voice led the cadence with passion and vigor in “Make Punch!” and “Make Kick!” We would train outside in the bitter cold of a Kansas City November, and the guttural kiais rang out across the expanse as we did our calisthenics and practiced bunkai, a body-hardening technique from Japan that the Okinawans engaged in to prepare themselves for battle against the technologically superior samurai.
With his deep-set eyes and a developed and defined torso, at the age of thirty-seven, Joe was still the physical epitome of a fighting warrior. Trading front kicks to the solar plexus and smashing shins and fists with this “Iron Man” brought my mind into focus beyond pain, beyond the weather, the bunkai ritual was a pedestal on which to put my toughness, pride and perseverance for all to see. For Joe to see, and feel, and absorb, as he vigorously but compassionately returned the favor threefold.
As sweat poured and steamed away, we began to strike in a more organic and purposeful way, and I danced and hit him to the head and body. He remained composed, but seemed half asleep. Ha! I was winning! The old steel warrior could not escape my blows. Another punch and I overreached. And then paid for it.
Joe who was composed and patient then seized the moment and exploded a back kick that knocked me down and literally took my breath away. All of those strikes and punches I threw and not one sealed victory.While Joe with the act of one mind, one action manifested a mule kick to my abdomen that was as astonishing as it was effective. I lay on the concrete in pain and prideful silence.
Who was this man? What was his secret? Joe Roberts, the man of living steel, had a magic, a power that was beyond technique. Was it fearlessness? Was it intelligence? Over the next year I befriended and dutifully listened to Joe tell tales of cold black oceans and impossible cliff assaults, paratrooping with over two hundred pounds of equipment out of a helicopter into the dead of night. I could smell the brine of the sea as I listened to his stories of the brave and the bold.
Joe was a warrior of the highest class. He was something called Recon. He had been in the military’s special operations forces of the United States Marines, but during peacetime in the mid-1990s he was a Zen fighting machine with nothing to do but train young martial artists. So I trained and listened and dreamed. I dreamed of whether I had what it takes to be like him, a special operations warrior with unlimited power and possibility. I was spellbound to the mystery and mystique of his world, and I knew that I wanted to make his world mine. My path was set.
Soon I was talking with my wife about joining the U.S. Marine Corp. The proving ground of the few, the proud, and for me, the ultimate test of warrior mettle. I told her about my dreams of joining Amphibious Reconnaissance like my hero Steve, but she kissed me and laughed. “Baby, you can’t swim and you don’t like cold water!” she said.
She had been a competitive swimmer her whole life and would sometimes go to the pool with me in Kansas City, where, being the competitive stubborn young man that I was, I would challenge her to a swimming contest. At which she skunked me, every time. Whether it was freestyle or backstroke or butterfly swim, it seemed I was almost swimming backward compared to her. Because I was a bigmouth and couldn’t handle being beaten by a girl, I would even try a test of just treading water in order to win. But no, she held her hands out of the water and I almost drowned because I couldn’t outlast her.
So needless to say her confidence in my aquatic abilities was absolutely nil . . . but for good reason!
We were at her parents’ home in Nebraska and it was in the cold of October. My wife jokingly said, “Okay, if you were really serious about the Marines, you would go jump in the lake behind the house right now and swim across.”
A challenge . . . I see! Well, I ran outside, stripped down to my underwear, and jumped in! It was so cold it took my breath away and my mind was just panicking, but I knew if I showed weakness to my wife she would never believe me about how serious I was—and I was serious. So I started pulling my arms and kicking my feet, and somehow I was moving to the other side of that freezing lake. I would not be stopped, and that was that.
Next thing you know, I had joined the Marine Corps and was soon on my way to boot camp.
I had no intention of immediately trying out to be a Recon Marine because as you may imagine I did not feel confident in my swimming abilities. My plan was to stay in a year or two before trying so I could have a better shot at making it with the benefit of improving my swimming skills over time. But after distinguishing myself and being meritoriously promoted in Marine Corps boot camp and the School of Infantry, I was given the opportunity to try out. My newfound buddies were shouting, “Reyes can do it!” so I felt compelled against my own self-doubts to give it my best and not turn away.
While I was often the strongest and fastest participant when it came to running and pull-ups and sit-ups and more, my lack of swimming skills was weighing heavy on my chances. I could make it across a pool, but I had no idea if I could make it through the water tests of Recon. Swimming, and swimming expertly, was a skill I needed for my journey. Without it, I wouldn’t be able to continue on successfully. So I started spending all my off time at the pool training as hard as I could, all the while scared because it seemed the harder I trained, the slower and more exhausted I got. But I kept on driving.
The day of the physical fitness test, after miles and miles of running, sit-ups, pull-ups, and bunny hops through obstacle courses of walls and bars, I was the first initiate to arrive at the pool and was twenty minutes ahead of the others with time to rest—and time to mull over the next phase. There, all geared up in cammies and with my rifle in hand, I made the jump into the pool below from the top of a thirty-foot tower.
Perhaps it was my sheer will or general physical conditioning, but I think somehow the hours I had spent training on my own over the past month must have garnered me just enough swimming skills to in the end be one of only a handful of men out of an original fifty Marines to make it into Recon that day. I survived the underwater attacks from divers and passed other arduous water tests, and then ran the next seven miles in pure elation at the thought of crossing that finish line to be welcomed into the fold of Recon. As I crossed over I felt I was born anew with tears of joy inside to be part of a family I had never had or known, because I had shown them, myself, and everyone in creation that I was train-able and courageous.
I wasn’t the fastest swimmer; in fact, I was often dead last on my times. But from then on I didn’t worry about it and just kept right on training and learning more, and within two years I excelled as an expert swimmer who often was even the fastest and strongest.
Knowing what you want to do next, and then acquiring the skills and tools required for the journey keeps life an ever-expanding adventure. Even though it may seem impossible or overwhelming to think of learning new skills, or that it will take a lot of effort and time, it doesn’t matter.
Assuming you have realistic expectations and a willingness to remove limits and push beyond, you will find the success of an adventurous quest. For instance, I will never be a heavyweight boxer, a horse jockey, a sumo wrestler, or a mother, because I simply don’t have the physique for those things. My friend has always wanted to be a rock star, but he is completely tone deaf and sixty-three years old, so it is probably unreasonable to expect he will be the next Prince. No matter how much I want to have feathers and fly, wishing I were a bird won’t make me one.
Being real with your circumstances and who you are while holding onto your dreams and aspirations in a balanced equilibrium will provide the natural compass point for the direction of what to do next. And once you know what you are doing, determining the skills and tools needed for your quest is the next evolution on the hero’s path.
Lay Down Your Arms
Searing pain wrested me from falling asleep. As I lay in bed next to my wife and put my hands behind my head to doze off, a hot-blooded fury started to chew away at the fibers of my front and medial deltoid muscles. They felt like strained steel cables aching away as if frayed and rusted.
It was the same shoulder that had been torn during wrestling practice while I was a freshman in high school. A senior heavyweight wrestler had taken me down on the mat and I tried to turn onto my belly but only my right arm made it around. Next thing I knew fire and pain were shooting through my right arm and neck, but I kept wrestling, and as the match went on the fire in my arm got so bad I almost expected to see flames.
In bed and under darkness as I brought my arm alongside my body it felt as though bruised and the purple ache was excruciating. Had I injured it while power lifting and swimming earlier that afternoon? I hadn’t noticed anything at the time, and I couldn’t think of another incident during the day that could have caused such an injury.
Pooled in the tenderness of my right limb, my mind racing to diagnose the reason, my thoughts turned to the last few years. It was only two weeks since returning home from my last tour of duty in Iraq, mere days since putting down my rucksack and gun of war. During my Recon schooling, I had trained as a scout sniper so in the field would spend hours upon hours upon days and weeks and years with a heavy gun almost surgically attached to my right arm. Endless carrying and hoisting and trigger pulling, firing and battling on and on, and I was left wondering if my Gun Arm was rebelling against its retirement from serving as a fighting machine.
Out of my wonderment I thought of all the fighting and punching and struggling I had been doing my whole life. In that moment a realization washed over me that my shoulders had always hurt. A lifetime of lifting thousands of pounds like a demon possessed. Years of navigating arduous obstacles on the battlefield, in school, and at home, no matter the pain, I just kept driving on.
Now lying awake aching next to my wife to whom I was completely numb, I suddenly felt alone and lost in my injury. I felt abruptly transported to images of that man touching me inside my underwear at eleven, my grandfather beating me with his skinny belt, and all my feelings of shame for being discarded as a child, along with feeling abandoned and a failure in my marriage. Those shames made me hide away deeper into my hero visions of strength and power.
As all came crashing into the abyss, I began to see that I was a very adept ignorer. I ignore and survive. Fight and survive. Fight with brute brawn and strength and incredible fury to drive on. Just keep lifting those weights, just keep punching and kicking that bag, just keep shooting that sniper system and erasing those targets from humanity.The slave master of my workouts and actions and mission to just fight and struggle and make myself fearsome, and it would be okay. The vigilant guard with my Gun Arm at the ready, my weapon engaged to dominate any firefight and destroy any who opposed me. Just pack on more muscle and I would not be hurt anymore, but all the while the purple hate rotating inside that shoulder joint just stayed inside.
All of the fear of being abused and controlled and discarded had compelled me to strengthen and discipline my mind and body into an outward appearance of the strong and invincible. But at the root were my fear and vulnerability paling inside. Had I been in a foreign land with weapons and destruction and killing energy because as a warrior I felt safe and not like the eleven-year-old boy in south Texas? Is that what I became on the outside to protect that little boy on this inside? I would go as far as to arm and armor myself to destroy other enemies and sometimes their families?
Deployed at war with assault gun.
I don’t believe those were the only reasons I became a fighter and a Marine, but that’s what my mind laid before me that night as a possibility to consider. A clear vision of destroying in order to protect myself in an endless loop of hurting others so no one can hurt me, all along guarding my pain like a little wolf holding a paw up after being injured in a trap. But in reality I had never healed; instead I just made my other limbs super strong. But that little paw stayed bloody and wounded. I was just so ashamed and scared of being the weak and hurt boy that I focused on strength and toughness and even violence to protect me. All these years I had been protecting the little wolf’s paw with my Gun Arm at the ready for fear of being attacked or perceived as vulnerable. All this time my arm and shoulders had been sending me physical pain and suffering so I could look at my emotional pain, but instead I just ignored it out of shame for why I was hurting.
Finally, at last, there in the stillness of night, I saw how the roots of my desperate and cold fears had eventually become twisted from being too long in the fight.
Away from the sounds of grenades blasting and bullets flying, I finally heard the loud quiet alarm from my arm ripe with emotional gangrene signaling that this cycle had run beyond its use into the negative space of ultimately destroying my light and love.
I was now asking, “Who is my enemy? What am I fighting?”
Friend or Foe?
Even in the midst and chaos of all out war, the line between enemy and friend can surprisingly blur and shift.
“We can hardly believe that we’ve been firing at them for the last week or two—it all seems so strange. At present it’s freezing hard and everything is covered with ice . . . There are plenty of huge shell holes in front of our trenches, also pieces of shrapnel to be found. I never expected to shake hands with Germans between the firing lines on Christmas Day.” An unknown British soldier wrote this in a letter home recounting the events in a war torn field near Y pres in Belgium during Christmas in 1914.
Early on in a war that would criss-cross a continent with miles upon miles of trenches and millions of soldiers dead, troops from German and British forces in WWI met on a quiet battlefield in Belgium as artillery in the region ceased fire and soldiers sang “Silent Night,” exchanged gifts, and drank together. The breathing spell of this unofficial truce also allowed both sides to bring back their fallen comrades who were then buried with respects paid by soldiers from both sides of the battle.
When down in the trenches of life or fighting the yoke of oppression, it can seem easy and natural to view the other side as enemy. Often the face of the opposition is filled with hate or they may seek to harm or cause trouble. It may perhaps feel impossible to see this enemy in any other way, and it may even be appropriate when artillery is still pounding or mustard gas is in the air.
To prevent more “Christmas truce” occurrences during World War I, the higher levels of the military ordered artillery bombardments on future Christmas Eves, and began to rotate troops through various sectors to prevent them from becoming familiar with the enemy. Despite such efforts, during the Christmas of 1915, as French and German troops were holding positions in a French mountain range, out of nowhere another truce spontaneously unfolded.
“When the Christmas bells sounded in the villages of the Vosges behind the lines . . . something fantastically unmilitary occurred. German and French troops spontaneously made peace and ceased hostilities; they visited each other through disused trench tunnels, and exchanged wine, cognac and cigarettes for Westphalian black bread, biscuits and ham.This suited them so well that they remained good friends even after Christmas was over.”
This account was given by Richard Schirrmann, a German soldier who pondered the incident and wondered whether “thoughtful young people of all countries could be provided with suitable meeting places where they could get to know each other.” In 1919, after the war was over, Schirrmann went on to found the nationwide German Youth Hostels Association in support of those inspired aspirations.
General Colin Powell said, “No battle plan survives contact with the enemy.” When these words are taken in relation to an account such as the “Christmas truce,” they can take on even deeper meaning than the original context, implying a myriad of possibilities for evolutions in both battle plans and enemies as they play out and inform their interrelated interconnected dance.
The same is true in each person’s battles of life. As you fight your battles, it is important to stay open and flexible to the possibility for change and remain grounded in the reality of the moment. Such an ability becomes a powerful skill and tool for your journey. Are you just surviving as you throw punches? Is your enemy even there anymore? What is your mission? Are you there to destroy or defeat or defend against your enemy? Or do you have another purpose? If things cool off and settle into a moment of truce, do you sometimes have an internal battle commander that wants to keep the fight raging, ordering artillery assaults to fuel the fire? Is your enemy still the foe, or have they set down their arms and now come bearing gifts? Have you been too long in the fight?
No matter what the original plan or initial response in a fight, simply by engaging in the motion of battle any well laid plans or reactions will inevitably play themselves out with the passing of time, requiring that we pay mindful attention to “be here, be now,” “be here, be now,” in a constant vigilance to maintaining relevance to the present situation.
There are also times when the dynamics of a fight seem to have altered that we must consider whether it’s the battle or enemy that has changed, or if instead we ourselves are the agent of transformation or shifted direction.
When I first met Logan he said he was a shell of the man he once was, and he appeared emaciated not only in body but also in mind and spirit. Long before our acquaintance, he had gone through a painful process of falling out of love during a bad breakup with a girlfriend, during which he had fallen in with the “wrong crowd” and was now several years into dependency on alcohol and some very bad street drugs, addicted to the numbing agents for his aching heart.Along the way he had lost his job, estranged his family, and the friends who had tried to pull him from the precipice as he jumped into the dark abyss while yelling for them to come along. They said no to his invitation and helplessly watched him sink away.
Now somehow one day he happened into one of my boxing classes. He was unsure about himself, but he seemed to be looking for something to hit. Perhaps somehow something inside was aching to get out through the fog of his drugged haze and gasp a breath of clarity. Whatever it was, he started training regularly, and as the months rolled by he gained new skills for the ring, his body put on muscle and showed some definition, and where there was once a weak and flabby punch a solid hammer of a hit began to land hard.
This focus on improving his physical skills somehow became a watershed of transformation into other areas of his life, and at one point he confided, “I don’t know how or when it happened exactly, but one day I realized that it had been a week since I had a cocktail or popped a pill. Then a friend I regularly partied with stopped by with a new batch of ‘fun’ to try, but before I knew what was happening I was yelling at him to get out of my house. Suddenly I saw my ‘friend’ as an enemy to my newfound clarity. I started shaking, but right then and there I picked up the phone and dialed a guy I had been close to years earlier. He was an old friend that one day when I was drunk had dared to say something to me about drinking so much, so I had yelled at him to get out of my house and I dubbed him an enemy and hadn’t spoken to him since. Now all at once I understood it wasn’t either of them that had changed from friend to enemy to friend . . . it was me. My desires and perspective had changed and in a flash my reference for defining my enemies had altered as well.”
In the comic books superheroes and their arch villains eternally do battle in a black and white world of good and evil as each maintains their fixed archetypal position. In “real” life people and circumstances are multi-faceted and dynamic with shades of gray everywhere. When you are clear about the foundation of who you are and your own hero’s journey, how to discern who is friend or foe becomes naturally clear.
In both Latin and Greek the word “friend” is closely related to the term for “I love,” so quite literally a friend is someone we relate to with love. We think of someone as friendly when we share love for a cause or feel supported, when we have mutual feelings of affection, or are allied together in a struggle, with each friendship being built on its own relational foundation.
When it seems that a friend isn’t being friendly anymore, it may be time to find your hero truth for rooting out the cause of such change. Who or what is shifting in the foundation of that relationship? The friend? Or you? Are they being a “good friend” by telling you a hero truth you don’t want to hear? Or have they truly crossed the line into enemy territory where they now want to cause harm or impede your own hero’s journey?
If you find you are wavering outside of the hero’s path as your own enemy, thank your friend for their reminder to return to your hero truth.
In the event your friend has shifted their journey in another direction, thank them for walking with you during your time together and wish them well on their travels as they go their own way.
To anyone that is hostile or intends you harm or trouble, consider the possibilities for how you stay in the fight via this question posed by Abraham Lincoln, “Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?”
Even when an enemy remains fixed in their villain position of hostility or harmful intentions, instead of continuing in your own rigid stance of bitter resistance, consider making a shift to find the value and gifts of the relationship, perhaps even a friendly relation.
Consider the value in doing so.
The ability to give space to any relationship and interaction is a powerful skill to craft and hone.
The hero uses the obstacles and challenges gifted by his enemies as tools in their journey of self-discovery and development. In doing so, the hero finds newfound skills and strengths. And for this the hero is in humble gratitude.
THE HERO’S WHETSTONE: HONORING YOUR ENEMY
In his study of martial arts, Bruce Lee learned that fighting and combat is a living thing that at its root is relationship not conflict. Just as there is an interconnected interdependent relationship between yin and yang that ebbs and flows over the course of time, there is a similar living breathing dynamic between a fighter and an enemy.
Lee once said, “To know oneself is to study oneself in action with another person.” It is the gift of more self that is offered by interacting with others, be they friend or foe. In this regard, an enemy is a benefactor of opportunities for knowing yourself better and in ways that would not be possible otherwise.
With the sound of Hi-yah, the powerful exhale or kiai relates to the projection of your own energy, or ki. Similar to kiai, the concept of aiki relates to the coordination of your energy with the energy of your attacker. The two terms use the same kanji character simply transposed, and are thought of as the inner and outer aspect of the same principle.
Aikido is a Japanese martial art meaning “the Way of unifying with life energy” or “the Way of harmonious spirit.” It focuses on the use of one’s ki through kiai in defending oneself, while employing the principles of aiki to also protect the attacker from injury by blending the motion of the aggressor and redirecting the force of the attack.
As one of the martial art ancestral masters Takeda Tokimune, explained, “Aiki is to pull when you are pushed, and to push when you are pulled. It is the spirit of slowness and speed, of harmonizing your movement with your opponent’s ki. Its opposite, kiai, is to push to the limit, while aiki never resists.” The opposing forces are perpetually informing and affecting one another in a dance of movement while still in full power of motion.
At the beginning of a fight in a formal combat sport, it is common for the opponents to bow to each other, as well as to the space in which the match will take place.With a bow they signify respect to the other for entering into a contest of learning about oneself, recognizing there would be no opportunity for exploration or glory without an opponent there to provide resistance as they mutually participate in a dance of pushing personal limits in a chance for discovery and growth.
Another instance of bowing is in relation to being flexible in the moment. As my consummate hero and father figure Bruce Lee said, “Notice that the stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while the bamboo or willow survives by bending with the wind.” The ability to bow with strong winds that gust and bluster during a storm, to be flexible in our approach to life’s challenges and opponents, brings life and living to the hero’s path.
By bowing a hero shows gratitude and respect for the opportunity gifted by their opponent.
With heads lowered there is reverence for the moment.
A hero is fully present in “be here, be now” engaging an opposing force with flexibility for both to cocreate a moment of possibility and discovery and learning without limits.
As with other whetstones we’ve done, let’s again start with three deep breaths to relax and focus the mind and body. Breathe in slowly and deeply, pulling air in using your abdominal muscles, then exhale gently through the mouth.Take another inhalation with a focus on opening the mind, and breathe out any stress the mind is holding. Allow your body to let go of any tensions and slip into a relaxed state.
Also check in and find your friendly self, taking special care to maintain a space inside of third-party observer. That place where judgment is suspended.
Now take a few moments to think of a time, circumstance, or person, something in your past when you’ve felt beaten down, caged, or oppressed, and you faced the enemy and fought for yourself. It can be from any time in your life, long ago or last week, something big or small; simply choose something that’s meaningful to you.
Whatever this fight was, from a physical altercation to a battle with addiction or an internal war with a looping voice beating you down, in your mind’s eye imagine what your opponent looked like and revisit the nature of your fight. Allow yourself to settle into the experience of that fight without attaching to the emotions of those moments. Maintain a third-party observer position.
Now I want you to consider the following questions, and do so with creativity and a spirit of adventure. Even have fun exploring your answers. Whatever your answers, it’s okay, no matter if they make you laugh or cry or just think.
• How did you feel about your opponent when you decided you would fight? How do you feel about them now? What are the differences?
• What has changed in you or the opponent since the beginning of the fighting engagement?
• Even if this opponent remains hostile to this day, imagine you are friends, and consider if there are characteristics they possess that you respect or admire.
• Can you see or imagine something about your opponent’s situation that accounts for their position of hostility? If the hostility had not been directed at you, would you possibly understand or have compassion?
• Is there any humor to be found in the experience?
• Did you learn something about yourself through this experience? Did you gain or improve any skills?
• Even if it seems minor, what are you thankful for from this experience?
Often an enemy may be demonized as a static unchanging person with whom we primarily battle, like the Joker is to Batman. But in fact, people and our relationships with them are dynamic. It may even be our closest loved ones that present our greatest “enemy” moments, and in turn offer the most information and opportunities for knowing ourselves by watching how we interact, how we contend for space or what we want, how we care for the other person or ourselves or not in the course of the fight.
And that’s okay. It’s okay to show up with your truths and contend for them. Not in an action of violence and aggression, and knowing that the other person may not do or give or provide or accept, and if that’s the case, we must accept and respect that. But it’s okay to fight and contend; it’s essential and elemental to life. It’s learning how to contend with integrity and compassion that brings an honoring to your truth and for your enemies for revealing and gifting more to you.
Even if thinking of an adversary with a literal gun, or a voice inside your head that loops negativity, no matter the opponent or your original perceptions, as the fight wears on, alternative points of view and fresh assessments are always available. To the extent that we can view and honor our enemies as the bringers of gifts, we create a space of learning, an attitude of adventure and discovery, and opportunities for a possibility of more than we thought. Perhaps even a chance for discovering more of your self or moving your limits for being able to understand or feel compassion, even find forgiveness, or maybe even find a friend.
Even if this seems unobtainable, rash, or silly, or that you would be letting down your guard or letting them off the hook, or perhaps you have hurt feelings or still want them to pay. If you are still in a space where you want to get back at your enemy, consider these words from the author and poet Oscar Wilde: “Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more.”
Wherever you are at is okay, simply sit for a few moments with your thoughts and emotions, and observe your observations with interest and curiosity.
Now take your observations, whatever they are, and find at least one thing from this experience for which you are grateful. If you find more, that’s great, but find at least one, and see it as an object in your hand. It can look like anything, whatever you want, big or small, light or heavy, bright or dull; it’s up to you.
In your mind’s eye see your opponent again; see them in front of you. Now take your object of gratitude and place it between you and the opponent, or even offer it to them to take.
Feel the emotions that may come in doing so, and observe them.
Now speak aloud the words “thank you.”
If you’re comfortable, even physically bow with respect and honor, but say “thank you” aloud and hear it in your ear.
If you’re so inclined you can even take this a step farther in a spirit of adventure and humility. Actually tell your opponent “thank you” for real, in person, on the phone, in a letter.Tell them and see what happens.
Even if nothing happens between you, even if there’s no response, or a response you were not expecting or hoping for, it doesn’t matter. What does matter is what happens inside of you.
No matter what, you know your self better.
No matter what, you are in discovery of newfound skills and tools.
You are in a place of honor.
Honoring your enemy for the gifts on your journey. Honoring the hero’s adventure.
Honoring your self.
The Toolkit of Skills and Tools
As a Recon Marine working in the field behind enemy lines I would carry my equipment that was best suited for the mission. There were the basic tools required for any expedition, such as protection and nourishment for my body, and then special weapons and gear needed dependent on whether the mission was a parachute insertion, long-range reconnaissance patrol, or a combatant diver operation from miles out in the cold ocean. I had to pack the right gear in order to assure the best chance for mission success.
Whether on the battlefield or in civilian life, learning to see one’s enemies and obstacles as opportunities for discovery and growth is an important skill to have in your toolkit. It is one of many skills you may need for your journey.
In answering the call to adventure, it may at times feel that you have crossed the threshold only to be swallowed into an abyss of the unknown. In this new world it is important to continually assess and develop skills and acquire tools needed for the adventure, and not give up or settle back into the old habits of stagnation.
When we are skillful at something, we are knowledgeable and efficient at achieving predictable results. Our skills can be general in their nature, such as being a good leader or team player, or more specific, such as playing an instrument or baking bread or other tasks needed to perform a certain job. Some skills come easily, while others may seem beyond our reach of perceived limits.
The hero’s toolkit contains skills as well as other devices needed to facilitate certain work. For instance, a dragon slayer may need a sword, or an author may require a pen, while everyone needs basic tools for acquiring food and shelter. Of all the skills and tools one can possess, I believe the most important and powerful are the ones that we all have at our disposal every moment of every day, every one of us. Those of Mind, Body, and Spirit.
Simply by existing here on planet Earth in the human form, you have in your possession an ultimate instrument for experience and exploration. Sometimes we may overlook them, but they are by definition, by default, always there. Right at this moment you are scanning this page with your senses and integrating this into your stream of consciousness, along with other information you are sensing from your environment right here, right now. Perhaps there are sounds or smells or other sights to behold in your purview. Are you aware of what they are?
It can sometimes be all too easy to tune out what we are feeling or sensing, especially when something seems unpleasant, but in doing so we are limiting our information and tools available to use along the path. Anytime this happens, we diminish our toolkit and may fall prey to our own devices—or as the father of humanistic psychology, Abraham Maslow, said, “It is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail.”
Although they may be discussed or even thought of as separate, the Mind, Body, and Spirit are never disconnected or independent from each other.We may feel or think we are out of touch with one facet of our self at times, but there really is no such thing as an experience or moment where any aspect is out of the loop. Mind, Body, and Spirit are always an integrated whole.
When we feel disconnected or out of relationship with any component of Mind, Body, or Spirit, those elements are not missing, we are simply out of balance or out of touch and are, in fact, affecting the whole system, often bringing it down.
A young woman, Nicole, started coming to my workout classes wanting to lose the extra weight she had put on during her first few years of marriage. Although they had been active growing up, as an adult she and her husband, Patrick, had both fallen into the routine and trap of “get up, go to work, come home, relax, go to bed,” and then doing it all over again the next day, not making time or caring to move and nourish their bodies.
This very quickly spiraled down to manifest not only in the extra physical weight, but also the internal weight of an eroding self image and feeling unhappy. Nicole felt poorly about herself because she was out of shape and overweight, and Patrick would feel angry because there was nothing he could do to make her feel better, so they circled around each other in a mutually bound cage of samsara.
As Nicole described, “The losing battle of gaining control of my body and eating habits was bringing me down. I felt trapped by my negativity. I would sabotage myself each time I would start any sort of progress.Voices in my head were saying,‘I am not seeing any immediate results, so why even bother! It’s over; I’ve lost what I was, so I am stuck with what I am now! I hate who I am inside and out.’ I was afraid of failing, of not being good enough. I was afraid of embarrassment.”
“But as I showed up for the class, showed up for myself, and kept going even when I felt like I couldn’t go on, I learned not to make excuses for myself, which turned out to be the key to my prior self-sabotage. After the first week of intense training and nutritional way of eating, I knew this is what I had needed for so long and my body finally committed to permanent change.”
The beauty and reality of giving a balanced focus to each aspect of Mind, Body, and Spirit is that all are naturally buoyed up or brought down by our focus and actions. Nicole answered the call to fight for herself and set her mind to show up for class, giving herself the gift of moving her body with purpose. As she took action with her body, the very act of doing so also fed back and informed her mind and spirit of her true potential. And in stepping into her true potential, living her hero truth, the weight lifted from her heart and melted from her body.
Nicole went on to say, “I was given the tools to become the best me I can be. One major benefit has been to have my husband who is my best friend and life partner, go through this journey with me. It has saved each of us as individuals and saved our marriage. I have learned how capable, smart, strong and sexy I am. I have learned how to love myself. I have learned how to overcome obstacles and never give up. I have become a Hero by saving myself from the self destructive course I was on!”
Buddha once said, “It is a man’s own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways.”
In Nicole and Patrick’s case, it was their laxity of mind that led the way to their eventual loss of bodily condition and strength, turning the entire system into something that felt like an enemy entrapping them from happiness. But just as we can shift our perception of an enemy from one of fear and hostility to one of honor and appreciation, we can be mindful of our mind and use it as a tool by nourishing it with the positive and short-circuiting those negative loops that lure us down into self-destructive thoughts and behavior.
I, Rudy Reyes, have been fully engaged with my physicality every day of my whole life. Beyond muscle and sinew, I rely on my senses and emotional life to be in the here and now with awareness and a feeling of power and control in my circumstances.
Sometimes people look at me and figure I’m just a big muscle head who spends all his time in the gym lifting weights. What they’re missing is the real story and essence, the real “secret” of my performance and success. They see a body of flesh and blood and bone, but that is just one way of looking at it.
When I work out and train, I am actually training more than my body. I may lift some weights, but more importantly I become fully immersed in the process and completely give myself over to being present in the moment of right here right now, and focus on breaking through limits and exploring possibility. For me, the experience is actually more spiritual than physical. I learn things about myself by doing.Those things inform my mind. And when my mind is right, my body follows and I feel and can do more. And when I fully engage in the experience of living in possibility, my spirit is free.
In fact, one of the best workouts I ever had in the gym was when my girlfriend broke up with me. I was crazy in love and she used to work out with me at the gym, boxing, swimming and lifting weights, and then kissing each other all sweaty and laughing. So after hearing the news that she was leaving town and me, I was devastated and hurting. I wanted to cry as all my energy just fell out of my body and my mind, and my stomach was a pit.
Instead I gathered myself together and went to the gym. I put on my favorite motivational song and got the drums and guitar blasting in my ears. I focused on really feeling the depression of sadness in my chest and heart, and then imagined all the bad flowing through my body into my arms and out of my hands.
I took hold of those big weights and started pressing and feeling the pressure of three hundred pounds. Using my pain as fuel I engaged and pressed the weight effortlessly. I kept pushing my arms like pistons and contracting my chest hard and with power, and the weight moved off of me repeatedly. I was now in the zone. I was now competitive and the fuel of pain was turning into the beautiful possibility of ACTION!
I was making a shift. I became a u-joint for the bad that was coming in by turning it to good coming out. My heart and my guts were sad and hurting and I wanted to just curl up in bed and feel sorry for myself. But as the great Helen Keller said, “Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.”
So with one consideration, one suggestion, one stride, I flipped on my favorite weight-lifting song and got positive energy moving first inside, then I let it manifest outside.The energy that started as pain and limitation and “what if” turned into a power of positive action. I used the fuel with no judgment and instead just made a hot fire of possibility.
My brain was firing the neurons, my body was sweating and breathing, but my heart was beating with personal power. In so moving I was proud of my lift and happy that I was pulling myself up from my bootstraps to new heights that at one time seemed impossible.
In doing so, my body became a tool for me to use in managing my world and experiences and perceptions. It is the Mind, Body, and Spirit performing in concert together that is the essential ingredient to being fit and balanced inside and out to make the very most of your life’s journey.
Beyond the physical senses such as sight, hearing, and taste, I use my emotions as a gauge and barometer to inform a wide variety of feelings, thoughts, and behavior. Like the voices in your head that can seem to loop endlessly and without your bidding, it can sometimes feel as if emotions happen on their own or are beyond your control. But in fact, they too can be used as skills and tools in your toolkit as well.
I think of my variety of emotions as a big set of tuning forks. Each one resonates on a certain wavelength and corresponds to a particular emotion. From sadness to joy, fear to ecstasy, happiness, embarrassment, guilt, and everything in between and beyond, there is a tuning fork that sounds with the intoning of a particular mental and physiological state of each emotion.
When my girlfriend broke up with me, my emotional tuning fork of heavy sadness was resonating loud and filling my heart. I was disappointed she did not want to be in my life as my girlfriend any longer, but the action of breaking up resounded with something much deeper inside. It echoed back to long ago and I was informed of my lasting and still present fears and pain of abandonment, shame, and worthlessness from my experiences of feeling unwanted as a child. I was not only informed of my present circumstance with my now ex-girlfriend, but my unfinished emotional business of my past. In this sense, my tuning fork became a tool for invoking my awareness and providing information about my emotional life.
In another way, I took the energy from my tuning fork of heavy sadness and transmuted it for my own purposes by using it to plug into another wavelength. Instead of ignoring the resonation of heavy sadness, I moved into it with music and the exhausting movement of my body. I gave it focus and room to exist, then moved into it and used it for my own purposes.
I was still disappointed and sad at the loss of relationship with someone I loved, and my emotional baggage was still waiting for me, but I no longer felt like curling up in a ball of self-pity and crying.
Instead I felt empowered.
I had a sense of control about myself.
Instead of succumbing to my pain in negativity, I moved to a more positive position for handling my sorrow and baggage.
I felt master of my destiny.
THE HERO’S WHETSTONE: PACKING YOUR TOOLKIT
What I love about my toolkit is I get to decide what goes in it. As I acquire new skills and tools I can add them in, or I can change it all up at a moment’s notice if my mission alters. I can pack it however I want, by color or feel or name, or arrange it so that the tools I need most for my journey are easily accessible. Everything about it is up to me.
Packing your toolkit is similar to how you would pack for any trip.You may take comparable items on a vacation versus a business trip, but there would likely be differences in your selection of clothing, such as jeans and a t-shirt versus a business suit. If you are simply heading out to buy groceries at the market, perhaps all you need is your shopping list and wallet. But wherever you go or whatever you are doing, you get to decide what it contains and how it is used.
If you have not packed a bag for a while, no need to worry, this is your bag so you get to decide everything about it without concern for right or wrong. A toolkit doesn’t care what goes inside, you do.You can load it up or keep it light. Spend a little or a lot of time in packing.You can share information about your toolkit with others or keep it to yourself. It’s up to you.
What I do ask is that you give this whetstone about your toolkit your honest attention and bring your imagination and dreams to the process. And I invite you to have fun with it.
So to begin let’s start with three deep breaths, inhaling deep into the abdomen and exhaling slowly through the nose.With each inhalation breathe in the positive, and let go of the negative with each exhale. Breathe in possibility and breathe out limits, and relax into your Mind, Body, and Spirit.
Now take a few moments and see in your mind’s eye the most fantastic toolkit you can imagine. It can look like one you have seen or used before, or be completely made up. Whatever you imagine and see in your mind’s eye, let it feel visceral and be something that you like, find useful, and aesthetically pleasing.
What is this fantastic toolkit like? What material is it made of? What are its size and proportions? Does it have pockets, drawers, snaps, zippers, buckles, or secret compartments? How does it feel to the touch? Does it have smell or make any sounds?
If you like you can even give it special properties like being waterproof, or able to fly, or automatically rearranging your tools as needed by reading your mind.
As it comes into focus, continue to give it shape and form and see it clearly.
This is your toolkit for your hero’s journey.
To begin packing your toolkit, it will be helpful to return to the work already done in previous Hero’s Whetstones. In particu lar, refer back to Using Your Inner Eye from Stride 1—Stagnancy & Paralysis, on page 35, as well as both whetstones in Stride 2—Moment of Movement, Be the Dreamer of Dreams and Reading Your Map, on pages 50 and 58, respectively.
If you made any written notes from these whetstone exercises previously, pull them out for reference, or at least flip back to remind yourself of any mental notes and images that come up.
With these in mind, I would like to invite you to consider a mission of your choosing. Do not concern yourself with whether or not you are going to accept and go on this mission; that can be decided later if you choose. For now this is simply a sample mission of “what to do next.”
Take a moment and think of a mission that would be personal and meaningful to you. It can be something related to one of your dreams, or a bar in your cage that you want to address, from getting in shape for a marathon to changing a destructive negative loop in your mind. It doesn’t matter if it’s lighthearted or serious, big or small, simple or complicated—just choose something that you feel would make a difference in your life or that you just like. And make it realistic, no missions to a galaxy far, far away for this whetstone.
When you have thought of a mission to your liking, consider the following questions with some detail. I recommend writing your answers down.
• What is the goal of this mission? Why is it important to you?
• How long do you think it will take to complete? Can it be completed? How will you know when it is done?
• Can you do this mission on your own, or do you need help from others? If you need help, what type of support do you need?
• Does this mission require any special equipment, tools or skills?
• Are there particular aspects of Mind, Body, and Spirit that are important for this mission?
When you feel comfortable that your mission is well outlined and understood, set your notes aside for a moment and mentally reach for your toolkit.With your mission in mind, look the toolkit over again and see if there are any modifications you would like to implement in it. Feel free to make a few minor changes, leave it as is, or completely start over again from scratch. It’s up to you.
Okay! Toolkit ready to go?
If so, then let’s start the packing.
Take up the notes for your mission and consider the following.
• Of the skills and tools required for this mission, which do you already possess? Do any need to be refined, improved, updated, or refreshed?
• What new skills or tools must you acquire to be successful?
• If you need help from others, are you comfortable in asking for it? If not, add that to the list of skills you need for success, the ability to ask for help.
• Do you have the time and energy available for this mission? Do you need to rearrange your schedule or repri oritize something in your life in order to make this happen?
• Is your Mind, Body, and Spirit fit and prepared for this mission? Would improved physical fitness, mental clarity, or a lifted spirit better your chances for success?
Now take your answers and put them into two columns or buckets. Make one for what you are already equipped with, and the other for that which you need to acquire for the mission.
Got it? Great!
Whether it seems you are ready to go, or need a lot of preparations, it’s okay. If you happen to feel overwhelmed, I suggest you consider the possibility of somehow turning the energy of that feeling into something you would need for your mission. Wherever you are, that’s perfect! Just start where you are.
Now take the two lists, those items you have, and those you need to acquire, and see them clearly in your mind. For the things you need to obtain, consider what it will take to acquire them and attach those thoughts and notes to each of those items. For instance, if you need a college degree to become a nurse, think about how much time, resources, and skills are needed for that and make a note next to that item on your list. Or if you need better communication skills to improve your marriage, you could consider writing down counseling, books to read, classes to take, etc., as what is needed to acquire that skill.
Now take each skill and tool, whether in your possession now or later, and see each one as a single implement. It can look like an actual tool, like the item itself, or as anything you see fit to represent it.
Now grab your toolkit.
In whatever way it makes sense to you, mentally take the items from your list of skills and tools for this mission and see yourself placing them in the toolkit you see in your mind.Whether you have a little or a lot to pack, it doesn’t matter, you can do it all at once or a little at a time. If it feels overwhelming, like there’s a lot to do or that it seems heavy, simply note those feelings but keep your attention focused on the adventure ahead, and continue packing.You can magically place your items in simultaneously, or arrange each one on its own. They can be adjacent to each other or in separate areas, how they are arranged is up to you.
Next I want you to sprinkle in the essence of your dreams and spirit, those elements of positive thoughts and energy that help fuel a hero as they travel along their path.
As I said earlier in this whetstone, you may choose to accept this particular mission or not. Whether or not you do, remember this whetstone as one you can return to as you prepare to take on new directions, or have new aspirations for “what to do next” along your life’s journey.
With your toolkit packed you are prepared and with a plan for your journey.
You have the tools, you have your direction, so pick up the tool of your choice and get started.
