Two Black First Ladies Walk into a Room

CHIRLANE MCCRAY

We were backstage in a hotel event space in Manhattan. It was just moments before she had to go out and speak to supporters. I could hear the bustle of setting up on the other side of the heavy velvet curtain and the click of heels as people moved across the wooden floor. The lights were dim and I still remember the chairs they rounded up so we could sit together in the barren backstage area. They were straight-backed and uncomfortable. It was a short while after Bill was sworn in as mayor. And I had asked to see First Lady Michelle Obama while she was in town; I knew exactly what I wanted to ask her, but I was a little nervous.

Some people might think two Black First Ladies would have a whole lot to talk about. And we probably did. After all we were both working mothers of color devoted to our families. And we both had ambitious partners in public office. I was the newbie First Lady in New York City. She was six years settled in as First Lady of the USA on a grand, national stage. But we were also in different stages of life. She was my junior, a hair short of a decade, with two young children. I had one child in college and was soon to be an empty nester.

Also understand that everything changes once you become a public person. A person on whom some folks pin their hopes and dreams. A person under constant scrutiny. A person often under fire for, well, just about everything. Too Black. Not Black enough. Too feminist. Not feminist enough. Too political. Not political enough. And to be a Black woman is to know there are many people you will not please—just for being alive.

There are suddenly many, many, many new people in your personal space. Some are phenomenally helpful. Some are not. New relationships take time.

And time is very, very precious.

So here we are, two Black First Ladies, meeting solo for the very first time, with only minutes to spare. I thanked her for her service to our country, thanked her for the kindness of taking time to speak with me. And I’m saying this, while still standing and looking up in awe at a whole lot of tall and gorgeous. After all, this was Michelle Obama, a woman navigating an extremely challenging position of power with exceptional grace, confidence and poise (who also happens to have a lot of inches on me).

At first we made some small talk about our kids, just like I’d done with other moms on countless park benches. Finally I asked her: Do you have any advice for me?

If you care enough about Michelle Obama to be reading this, it probably won’t surprise you to learn that she did not offer me a clichéd response about following my passions. With a sternness that is refreshing in retrospect but was quite a bit to absorb at the time, she talked about the kind of practical support and staffing I would need, including a chief of staff, scheduler and communications director. Surround yourself with people you trust, she told me. And she stressed how I would have to protect my personal time.

I listened carefully, almost wishing I had a recorder. And then, as she was standing up to leave, her tone softened and she said with assurance, “You’ll be alright.” I smiled. She smiled. And then she put her game face on and went out to meet the people.

I often think back on that conversation, and whenever I do the soundness of her advice becomes increasingly clear. But I have learned even more from the First Lady by observing her from afar. The way she has arranged her life reveals a lot about who she is and what she cares about. And the way her life is portrayed and perceived has much to teach us about what it means to be a woman in the twenty-first century.

When First Lady Obama said her top priority was to serve as mom-in-chief, she was telling us that her family comes first. It must have been a huge challenge to be uprooted from her home, find new schools for her girls, get them acclimated to a new life, and also take on a new role and new responsibilities while being a supportive, loving spouse. I have tremendous respect for how she defined herself, right from the beginning, defined her role before there was too much speculation about what she would do. And she brought her mother, someone she could trust without reservation, to live with them in the White House. Such a smart move! And, by all accounts, Malia and Sasha are growing up to be as poised as their famous parents.

I am relieved that we do not see them in the media that often, but when I do I get a kick out of how regular they appear. It is no small trick to raise children and have a healthy marriage while living in the spotlight. It’s one thing to have a tired child meltdown on the playground. Imagine that happening around hundreds of people with cell phone cameras! I count my blessings that our children, Chiara and Dante, were older before Bill became mayor, able to get through most of their teen years without the intense scrutiny that comes with public office. As we reflect on the Obama presidency, we must not limit our gratitude to Barack and Michelle alone—their entire family has made enormous sacrifices for our country and won the respect of the world.

While I have no doubt that her amazing, loving family is the First Lady’s proudest achievement, her work obviously extends well beyond the domestic sphere. Although no First Lady receives a salary, the title comes with traditions and countless expectations. Of course, it also comes with enormous opportunities to do good. To be First Lady of the United States is to be stuck between a rock—what the world expects of you—and a hard place—what you expect from yourself. The only way forward is to tread carefully and have faith in your own sense of direction.

The First Lady has done exactly that with Let’s Move!, her signature initiative to solve the challenge of childhood obesity within one generation. For starters, Let’s Move! is as big and ambitious as many of the President’s efforts, which shows that she is not afraid to embrace the full potential of her platform and tackle one of the most urgent public health crises facing our nation. Right now, nearly one in three children in this country is overweight or obese, and the statistics are even more unacceptable in the African American and Hispanic communities. No one can argue with the urgency of this issue.

But I also love that she chose an initiative that nurtures her own physical and mental health, because if you’re not careful, being a First Lady can really mess with you. I can testify! With all those event meals, it’s tough to keep track of all the calories you’re eating. And if you’re sitting in meetings, you are sitting—that is, you are not exercising. With Let’s Move!, the First Lady stayed well by doing good. And when you see her at a Let’s Move! event, harvesting vegetables or playing flag football, it always looks like she’s having fun, which doesn’t surprise me a bit. One of the best things about my job is having opportunities to read, play and make art with young New Yorkers. If helping our young people is a stereotypical First Lady thing to do, then that is one stereotype I am happy to perpetuate.

Let’s Move! also allows the First Lady to get out into the world and interact with folks outside the Beltway bubble. That is not a small thing. Think about it. It’s not really home if you can’t throw open a window for a breath of fresh air or take a walk alone or run to the store to grab some peanut butter by yourself. And virtually every word you say, any position on any subject, must first be filtered through a team of communication specialists.

Serving as First Lady on any stage comes with enormous privileges. But in order to truly appreciate and honor everything First Lady Obama has achieved, we must first understand that all First Ladies—like most women—are still trapped in a box of outdated expectations.

In First Lady Obama’s case, it is a fabulous white box on a very large stage, and she has done a lot to push the walls back and expand our understanding of what a political marriage can be. But the walls are still there, and they are still terribly restrictive.

As I write this, the First Lady’s approval rating is remarkably high, given this era of scorched-earth media coverage. But while I think she deserves every percentage point and more, I wonder: To what degree is her popularity a function of how divine she looks in a dress? And how many of us envy her toned arms as much as her intellect? Just like every woman, she is still judged first and foremost by her appearance, and where she falls on a scale of “fierce” to “frumpy.”

Because we are pummeled with airbrushed, magazine-cover versions of Michelle Obama, it’s easy to forget who she was before becoming became First Lady. The brilliant Harvard Law student who marched in the streets to push her school to hire minority professors doesn’t get talked about, and have we forgotten the highly capable executive who worked as Vice President for Community and External Affairs at the University of Chicago? How does Michelle’s past connect to the Michelle Obama who became First Lady? Are her poll numbers a reflection of her impressive history and attributes?

Every political spouse, myself included, must weigh how her words and actions will reflect on her partner. The First Lady learned early on that opponents of her husband would not hesitate to twist her words to suit their purposes. I’m thinking about that time back in 2008, when they tried to paint her as Benedict Arnold after she said “For the first time in my adult lifetime, I am really proud of my country because it feels like hope is finally making a comeback.” The meaning of her statement was twisted when it was shortened to, “For the first time in my adult life, I am really proud of my country.” When you go through nonsense like that, it’s only natural to become cautious.

And of course there are different rules for Black women—the judgments come more quickly, and they are far more difficult to overturn. Doesn’t it make a lot of sense for a no-nonsense kind of woman like Michelle to survive this madness by moving through the world with “show, don’t tell” and “if you can’t be free, be a mystery” determination?

But I still feel a little cheated. Have we made any progress over the years? Will our next First Lady have an easier time of it, or will the box Michelle Obama so valiantly expanded shrink back to its previous dimensions?

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America’s reaction to the passing of First Lady Nancy Reagan is a fascinating case study of how far we have come—and how far we still have to go.

I was stunned by the tone of her obituaries and remembrances. Sure, there was the typical pablum about her fabulous frocks (the New York Post: “Behold, Nancy Reagan’s 10 greatest outfits”), but all of a sudden the press couldn’t contain their praise for her strength, her influence, her unbreakable partnership with President Reagan—qualities that were held against her as First Lady. In fact, when she was in the White House some three decades ago, critics labeled her a “dragon lady” and implied that she should be seen and not heard. Every move she made was viewed with suspicion, and many Americans seemed to think she abdicated her right to be a free-thinking woman of action when her husband became president.

Apparently Nancy Reagan thought otherwise. She considered it her right to speak her mind and offer advice whenever it might be helpful to him. After all, the oath of office does not override the vows of marriage.

Now that she’s gone, America seems to agree with First Lady Reagan. But no such luxury has been afforded to her successors; the specter of being smeared as a “dragon lady” or worse—much worse—has not gone away. First Lady Barbara Bush was labeled “America’s grandmother” and is largely perceived as a traditional First Lady, although it only takes a few clicks to find articles that question whether she had an undue influence over her husband (or her sons). First Lady Laura Bush was often portrayed as someone whose passion was books, not public life, which is surely a gross oversimplification. And of course, Secretary Hillary Clinton’s experience as First Lady is proof of how vehemently some will fight the idea of our president taking full advantage of his partner’s skills and knowledge. If Secretary Clinton returns to the White House in January, it will be fascinating to see how First Gentleman Bill Clinton is covered by the press. My guess is that we won’t see many slideshows documenting his ten greatest outfits.

As a society, it is long past time for us to move beyond these “isms” and realize that we all benefit when our elected leaders are blessed with equally strong partners. We need to start celebrating female achievement in real time, not after the fact. And let’s start with Michelle Obama. We don’t hear much these days about her influence behind the scenes. But as I recall that backstage conversation we shared and the assured look on her face as she dropped her hard-earned knowledge on me, I am certain that we haven’t yet begun to understand the crucial role she played as partner to her husband.

I hope we will, one day soon. I am delighted that the First Lady has launched her global initiative, Let Girls Learn. And she has said that she plans to do some writing too. I, for one, have my fingers crossed for a memoir that charts her remarkable journey.

Perhaps one day we will sit together over a cup of hot tea or glass of wine and chat about the road ahead and the paths we have carved out for ourselves.

My prayer is that this book is just the beginning of a celebration that will only become louder and more jubilant, as Michelle Obama’s legacy grows alongside our gratitude for her giving so generously of herself.