Tropical warmth wrapped around me like a winter duvet. I opened my eyes. Or did I? Perhaps this was a dream – me, lying in the arms of an indecently handsome man. Fingers gently brushed hair out of my eyes.
The good thing about dreams was that you could do whatever you wanted. There was no point in wasting them. At the very least I could bag a swoonworthy kiss, without the baggage of real-life insecurities and limitations. I lifted a hand and tucked it behind his neck, gently pulling his face towards mine.
‘Sarah? How are you feeling?’ asked an English voice.
There was something about the line of the jaw and the way those eyebrows pinched together into quizzical frown that I recognised.
I was lying down. A strong arm around my shoulders. In the middle of the rainforest.
Oh crap!
I sat bolt upright.
‘Ow!’ He rubbed his chin.
‘Sorry, Rick,’ I said, feeling myself blush furiously. ‘I… was just grabbing onto you to pull myself up.’
‘You fainted,’ he said. ‘Unless you fell over.’ He glanced at my pink trainers. I should have put on the boots. ‘Did you not even read the kit list before packing?’
‘No, because—’
‘Right. You’ll have to buy some proper footwear over on Tortola at the weekend. Have some water.’ He picked up my bottle, shook it and looked further puzzled.
‘I forgot to refill it,’ I said lamely.
‘Then you’d better have some of mine.’
‘That won’t be—’
‘No arguments,’ he said firmly. ‘You need to rehydrate. I’ll get your sister to take you back to the camp and take you off the turtle trip tonight. I was going to roster you on with Amy.’
‘No way. I was just thirsty and tired. See?’ I knocked back some water and stretched my arms. ‘I’m perfectly capable of carrying on.’
‘That’s all very stoical but I don’t want a health and safety issue on my hands. And you need a hat that stays on in this heat.’ He picked his up off the ground and put it on my head.
‘There’s no need to make a fuss,’ I said, in an urgent tone.
Rick glanced at me. I stared back rebelliously. He rubbed his forehead, stood back and studied me as if I were a new species of insect he’d spotted.
‘Sarah? What’s going on?’
Too late. Running footsteps. Amy appeared by my side.
‘What happened?’ she asked as Rick took his bottle. Gratitude washed over me as he walked away without saying anything.
‘Nothing. I just wasn’t drinking enough.’ I stood up and swiped with my machete. ‘See. I’m stronger than ever.’
She shook her finger at me playfully.
‘Sarah Sterling. You really are a sly one, pretending to faint, to get Rick’s attention. To be honest, I wasn’t ever convinced you’d suddenly become converted to the cause of conservation. But a crush on Rick? You know I’ve had my suspicions. And who could blame you? A holiday romance? That’s just what you need after some of the losers you’ve dated.’
‘No!’
Her face dropped.
I did want Amy to believe I wanted to stay – and that I was really able to cope with the outdoors challenges. I sighed to myself. Perhaps this was the only way. ‘Oh… okay… rumbled – I was hiding the truth. But that’s because it’s just a silly crush – so there’s no need to tell anyone else.’
‘Oh Sarah, I’m so happy for you. He seems lovely – and genuinely concerned about your welfare. He’s even given you his hat!’
‘Well, he’s very impressed with how you are doing.’
‘He is?’
‘Oh, definitely.’
‘I know this is only the second day but this trip is already everything I dreamed of. I’ve spotted birds and insects I recognise and Jackie’s been talking to me about some of the problems the zoo animals have. I was able to make a few suggestions, based on things I’ve picked up at the vet’s.’
‘You’ve always had a natural ability when it comes to understanding and helping animals. Like that time you thought Nelly was off colour and it turned out she had a urinary tract infection. You just sensed it.’
‘Anyone could have,’ she mumbled.
I held her arm. ‘No. I didn’t. Your talent is obvious. Since we arrived Rick has clearly been impressed by your knowledgeable comments.’
Her face shone as she went back to her strip.
I started to cut the bushes and long grass again, determined to show I was just as capable as anyone else. Rick came back over, didn’t say a word and passed me his bottle. I glugged from it again, before carrying on. I almost decapitated a frog and managed not to scream when a beetle with scarily long antennae scuttled over my wrist. I scratched my arms on prickly branches and my lovely new trainers became covered in mud.
All of that was nothing compared to the headache that banged and the painful blisters now covering my hands to match the ones forming on my feet. In a daze I walked back to camp with Jonas. He was exhausted too, his damp T-shirt sticking to his chest.
Gratefully we headed into the canteen and downed large glasses of cold water. I couldn’t wait for breakfast except that when the Malik appeared at the serving hatch to announce it was served, the meal turned out to be the awful fish soup we’d heard about.
‘This is a joke, nein?’ muttered Jonas who sat next to me.
‘If it is, I don’t think much to Caribbean humour.’ Reluctantly I got up to fetch a bowlful and did my best to sound sincere as I thanked Malik. Everyone else tucked in, talking about how great it was to try indigenous dishes. Jonas and I swapped looks that said we’d rather be eaten alive by midges. I stared at the slosh – the slimy white lumps and small black bean spheres that resembled fish eyes. A cat wandered into the canteen. Without anyone else seeing I put our two bowls on the floor. The contents disappeared in minutes.
My only sustenance until lunchtime would be another piece of fruit. Amy and Helga were too busy comparing the best machete techniques, to chastise their siblings’ pickiness. Not that I’d agree that we were being fussy. Soup for breakfast? What sort of parallel universe was this? Maybe lunch would be muesli.
Rick stood up and knocked a spoon against his mug. ‘Great work this morning. Clearly the universe has sent a fantastic bunch of people to Seagrass Island.’
Smiles spread around the room.
‘You’ve a couple of hours to relax now, before lunch. Once you feel reinvigorated, I suggest you check out the laundry area that’s at the far end, by the last cluster of shacks. You’ll find large sinks with running cold water, detergent, a mangle and lines to hang your clothes on. Before you leave here, take a look at the blue rota on the wall.’ He pointed to the back of the room. ‘Some of you are rostered in for the turtle egg collection trip tonight.’
‘You and me are going. And Benedikt,’ said Amy, eyes shining.
Phew. Rick had kept me on. It was a matter of self-pride now. I was surprised that Jonas seemed genuinely disappointed – although he wasn’t happy to see that he and I had been rostered on as the first to clean out the compost toilets.
I went to leave and passed Rick.
‘I’ve done as you said and kept you on the turtle trip,’ he said. ‘But if you’re feeling at all woozy before then, please do yourself and the team a favour and pull out. Cleaning the toilets will give you a good idea of exactly how well you are.’
Feeling utterly exhausted and longing for a dip in a lagoon, with iced lattes on tap, I simply nodded and went back to my shack where I could pull the bed covers over my face and…
I mustn’t cry.
I’d stopped doing that a long time ago.
When Mum died I needed to be there for Amy. She’d wanted to pass away at home but Dad said hospital was best. It was less work for him. I may have only been eleven but saw how Mum had been too tired to argue. I’d felt angry about that for such a long time but even managed to keep those tears of rage in. Hard as it was, I stopped them at the funeral as well. I’d sat in the church, sucking in my cheeks, trying not to think about Mum, lying cold, in the wooden box, all alone. Holding Amy’s hand as her sobs burst out during the hymns. Braving relatives’ piteous stares. Ignoring the whispers talking about ‘those poor girls’.
Oh, I had shed tears, but alone at night, my head under my pillow so that there was no way Amy would hear.
Getting through all of that made it easier to deal with anything afterwards. Dad’s cruel jibes could no longer hurt. I didn’t cry my first night alone in that terrible bed and breakfast. And I only had one sobbing fit after my last boyfriend dumped me for being too independent.
So I’d do my best not to weep over blisters and bites and having to clean out a prehistoric toilet. I went back to the shack but only for a rest and to reluctantly swap my hat for the practical cap. Well, sort of rested. I’d come out in another rash – prickly heat. I’d stopped smearing on Helga’s cream because I didn’t want to use it all up. Amy had brought anti-histamine tablets but they hadn’t kicked in yet.
‘Come on, let’s get it over with,’ I said to Jonas, after we’d picked at rice for lunch. ‘At least you don’t have to go on the turtle trip tonight.’
Jonas glanced at me. ‘Me and Benedikt get on really well. I was actually hoping to be part of it. Honestly, he takes the stupidest selfies for his Instagram feed. Last night he managed to attract the biggest moth onto his head and snap it before it flew away.’ Jonas looked the most cheerful I’d ever seen him. Noses wrinkling, he and I stood in front of the toilet cubicles. The sawdust covered the waste but the smell still stole through because of the humidity.
‘You first,’ I said.
‘No chance,’ he replied.
‘Okay. Both together.’
We moved forwards and after counting to three, each lifted out a bucket. The contents shifted from side to side. I gagged.
‘Quick as we can,’ I spluttered. Without looking down I led the way to the compost bays, praying that neither of us would trip and fall over. As if they’d been waiting, flies ambushed the slop. We set down our buckets. Jonas picked up the fork and dug into the hay.
Over the years I’d had to do many dirty tasks on my own, at home and at work, so I braced myself and poured the buckets’ contents into the left-hand side. Jonas lifted up the hay, let it drop and forked it over. My throat contracted and for a second I almost vomited. But the feeling passed. The smell dissipated. We picked up our empty buckets and returned them to the cubicles.
When I got back to the shack I noticed a splash of waste on my T-shirt. My limbs felt heavy after the early start and lack of sleep, but I trekked as fast as I could over to the laundry area. Vigorously I hand-washed the top, pounding out my frustration.
Surely the day couldn’t get any worse?