Zoe
I can’t even begin to describe the terror radiating through me when I saw him. It was worse than during the assault, which made no sense. I guess during the attack my mind pushed the fear to some dark corner of my brain so I could concentrate on getting free from Ben. But his showing up at school one day, weeks after it, blindsided me so badly, all I had was the panic. I’d heard he was out on bail, but I never expected him to appear at school.
I had walked out of the gym with Rita Farnsworth. Our school gymnasium was housed in a separate building near the football field, in a small hollow. Rita was telling me a funny story about how her mom triggered the alarm on her car and how she couldn’t figure out how to fix it. It was blaring across the parking lot at the car repair shop she was at. People were sitting in their cars staring at her in her car as she fumbled with the keys until she finally turned it off. As Rita tells the story, she then tried to act somewhat dignified as she walked to the business’ building and attempted to open the glass door. It wouldn’t budge, so she read the sign. “Pull…I am pulling.” She continued to jerk on the door, so occupied with that, she didn’t notice the man inside approaching with his keys out. Rita thought it was hysterical her mom didn’t even pick up on the fact the people in their cars were waiting for the shop to open. Told by anyone else, the tale would have been mildly amusing. But Rita always exaggerated her mom’s mishaps, and her imitation of her mom’s voice was enough to send me rolling to begin with.
We were laughing as we exited the building, then Rita took the path to the left leading to the parking lot. She had a dentist appointment. I walked straight up the sidewalk, huddling over the extra text books that would not fit in my back pack, as if they could keep me warm. To my right, a wall of concrete rose with the line of the hill, the incline making it a steep climb to the rest of the campus. Unfortunately, the wind was whipping toward the hill, which would have normally acted as a wind break. A flag snapped in the gusts, the line dinging against the metal flag pole like a ship’s bell. I shifted the books to free a gloved hand so I could tug my hat over more of my ears. My head was lowered, so I didn’t see him, and it was so blustery I almost didn’t hear him, either.
“Zoe?”
I didn’t recognize his voice. I lifted my head with the smile still on it Rita gave me, but when I saw him, it crumbled away. I froze. Literally froze, my muscles stilled by the shock. Sweat seeped out of every pore, making me even colder somehow. The hair rising on my arms under my jacket created a weird sensation, as did the taste of salt in my mouth. At that moment, I understood what it meant to be paralyzed with fear, because I couldn’t move. Everything inside of me was telling me to run, but it was like my muscles and my brain had a disconnect.
He took a step toward me, and I tensed even more. Strangely, my chest burned in the exact same way it had when Ben dragged me over the pavement, ripping my skin. Images flashed through my vision of his face, distorted with rage as he hovered over me. It was like his fingers were snaking through my hair again, the roots stinging with the strain as he yanked. Then my head was hitting the window like it did that night, ringing with a dull pain. I blinked the images away, the first movement I was able to make.
I should scream. Rita can’t be far away. Why can’t I scream?
He had on the same jacket he’d worn that night, although it was much too thin for this colder weather. His hands were jammed in his pockets, his shoulders hunched forward, and the wind beat at him as it did me, billowing whatever loose fabric it could find. He slowly removed his hands from his pockets. Every move he made terrified me. A showman could have thrown daggers at me, and the fright wouldn’t equal that of watching him slide his hands out. The rapid fire images returned. Those hands on me, groping me, hurting me. On my leg in the car at the beginning—the first touch. Wrapped around my ankles as he hauled me back to the car after we’d tumbled out the door. Clenched in a fist as he reared back to punch me. When he spoke to me, his words sounded as if he was speaking through some weird fast food intercom.
“Zoe. You don’t need to be scared. I’m not here to hurt you.”
They combated with the noises in my head from that night. My sweater ripping. His voice, “Oh, God, I love it when they fight.” The moans and the sound his mouth made on my skin. And through it all, my screaming, ringing through my head, becoming louder and louder and louder until it finally ripped out of my mouth.
He waved his hands in front of him. “No. Zoe, no.” He licked his lips and turned his head in different directions as he looked around us. “I just want to apologize.”
He took another step forward. I dropped my books and brought my hands to my face. I panted, fighting more air into my lungs to scream, hunching over to better force the sound out. My stomach and back ached, and my throat was scraped raw. Now that I’d started screaming, I didn’t think I could stop.
A blur of motion, Zack came bounding over the top of the hill, flying through the air and taking Ben to the ground. I fell against the concrete wall, sobbing, and eventually sliding down and rolling into a ball. Zack’s momentum carried them beyond the sidewalk. He straddled Ben, grasping his jacket in both hands to lift him several inches before pounding him into the dirt again.
“What the hell are you doing?” he screamed. “Just what the hell do you think you are doing?”
Ben held his hands up, palms facing Zack. “I didn’t come to hurt her, man.”
Zack’s elbow rose behind him and the first blow came so fast I didn’t see it. Ben’s head turned and saliva and blood flew from his mouth. I didn’t want to see this again. Hear it.
“No, no, no.” I covered my face with my hands. I wanted to make it go away.
“What’s going on here?” Coach Cummings, Zack’s baseball coach, stood outside the gymnasium, and the door was swinging shut behind him.
Zack turned at the sound of his voice. Ben scrambled out from underneath him.
“Oatam? What are you doing here? I thought you transferred.”
“I-I….” He looked at me. His eyes were wide. He ran a hand across his face and smeared blood from his nose, which had started bleeding, across his cheek. He stumbled backward a few steps, then twisted and ran. We all watched him without speaking. Then Zack spun and rushed over to me, crouching and locking his hands around my biceps.
“Are you okay?”
I nodded and fell forward into his chest. He released his grip on me and slid his arms around my back to draw me to him even closer. He placed one big hand behind my head. “It’s okay, Zo. I’ve got you.” I was shaking so hard I couldn’t talk.
Coach Cummings squatted behind Zack. “Do we need to take her to the nurse?”
I tilted my head back. “No. I’m o-okay.” I struggled to keep my voice steady. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this. I didn’t want to have to explain.
He touched my shoulder. I resisted the urge to flinch. “Are you sure, honey?”
I nodded rapidly and tears were flung everywhere.
“What about you, Zack?”
“Coach, I…. He—” Zack swung his arm in the direction Ben ran off in.
Coach Cummings put a hand on Zack’s shoulder. “I know his story,” he said grimly, looking at me.
I swallowed, the weight in my stomach becoming heavier. He knew what happened to me. Everyone knew. I looked away, curling up tighter.
“As far as I’m concerned, Zack, you bruised your knuckles at football practice.” He paused. I could feel his eyes on me. “Why don’t you guys take the next hour off. Get a soda in the cafeteria or something. I’ll go write you passes. Be back in a sec.”
After he gave us the passes and we were alone again, Zack rubbed my arm. “Zo, are you—”
Planting a palm on the front of his shoulder, I pushed him away. “I’m fine, Zack.” I scrambled to my feet but had to use the wall as a brace on the way up. My heart was still pounding in my chest, and I was wobbly. I don’t know why. I wasn’t scared anymore. It was like my body was alien to me, out of touch with my brain and emotions. The blood rushing to my head when I bent to gather my books nearly took me down again, but I closed my eyes for a second and fought it off. Opening them, my European history text book swam into my vision, but I managed to snatch it and slam it on top of another book that had skittered a foot or so away. Zack got to the third before I could and he held it out to me. “Thanks,” I grumbled, not looking at him. My hand was shaking as I jerked it out of his grasp and added it to the pile I was carrying. I wasn’t afraid anymore, but some other strong emotion was winning the battle in my mind. Turning my back on Zack, I climbed the sidewalk, moving my feet as quickly as I could without breaking into a run.
The wind fought to take his words away from me, but I made them out faintly. Maybe because I was so in tune to him. “Please don’t shut me out.”
I stopped, squeezing my eyes closed for a second before turning. I didn’t know what to say to him. We moved together at the same time and I again melted against his chest, the books making it awkward.
“I’m…sorry.”
“Don’t say that. Please don’t say that.” His voice was full of emotion and broke at the end. “You’re scared. I get that.”
“No. I’m angry.”
“At Ben. Not at me, right?”
I shook my head. How did I explain to him how I was feeling when I didn’t even understand it myself? “No. I’m mad at myself.”
He leaned back. “What? How can you—Why?”
“Because…I didn’t react. I just screamed like a baby.”
He shook his head. “You did what was right. I wouldn’t have known otherwise. The hill blocked you.”
“No, Zack.” The tears were back, blurring the edges of my vision. “I….” I looked away, trying to wrestle the words into the shape of sentences. “I don’t want to be…his victim anymore. I don’t want to give him that control.”
“Honey.” He rubbed my arms. “You are no one’s victim.” He glanced away. “You fought a two-hundred-pound running back to get away from him.” He looked me in the eyes. “You are one of the bravest people I know.”
It made me feel somewhat better to hear that, but I was still shaking. Traitorous body.
“Seeing him must have been a complete shock. Hell, I almost screamed when I saw him.” He looked at me hopefully and I laughed, slugging him.
“You did not.”
He put his arm around my shoulder and we walked up the hill together. “The hell I didn’t. I almost wet my pants.”
I elbowed him softly. “Stop.” He knew me so well. Knew exactly what to say to turn things around. I stopped walking and faced him. I shifted my books, then, placing my free hand behind his neck, I guided him to me. God, his lips felt so good. Always felt so good. I took the kiss deeper, and he didn’t respond initially, then his hands slid into my back pockets as he drew me in, his tongue doing things to me that shouldn’t be done on school campus. I tilted my head and sought more of him. I wanted him desperately. My emotions were so raw. Then a bell rang across the lawn and doors opened, students pouring through them.
“Wow.” He smiled devilishly, then bent in to give me one more soft kiss. He put his hand on the side of my face, then ran his thumb across my bottom lip. I closed my eyes, wanting to disappear into him forever. “You are something else, Zoe McCord.”
I opened my eyes, laughing. I loved his face. Loved everything about him. A rush of tenderness rose inside me, seeping into my voice when I spoke. “Come on. Let’s get to class.”