Jo
It was a lovely evening. I don’t know why I insisted on ruining it. The glow of the laughter, his dancing, and those unbelievable kisses of his dimmed the moment he closed my door to walk around to the driver’s side. Luckily he didn’t notice. He was singing along to his U2 and I threw out enough conversation to cover the sadness that seeped in while I was unaware.
I looked out my window and rapid fire phrases, that I didn’t even know I’d been collecting throughout the evening, shot through my mind.
Mick’s voice seemed to be the ringleader. “You watch this one. ‘E’s a bit of a troublemaker.” I’d joked it off at the time, but it lingered somewhere in the corners of my brain.
“You’re a damned sight prettier than the last gal he brought in.” How many had there been?
Then Ginny’s voice chimed in. “Well, I knew that, Killian. You’re a reprobate.”
And again with, “Oh, you got yourself a live one this time, Killian.”
This time. How many times had there been?
He put his hand on my knee. “Hey. You okay?”
I twisted around. “Yes. Sorry.” We were in my driveway. “Oh, what about my car?”
He stared at me. “I just said I’d give you a ride to work tomorrow. Get your keys, and fix ya right up?” He pushed my hair away from my face, looking concerned. “Are you sure you’re okay? You’ve been awfully quiet on the road.”
“Yes. I’m tired, I guess.”
“Aye. Poor thing. You’re shattered. Let me get you to bed.”
I watched him walk around to my side of the car. I loved everything about him. The way he walked. The way he opened my car door. His laugh. His voice. My heart tightened as he reached my door.
But I was the flavor of today. What about tomorrow?
I refuse to think about it.
Killian
I sat on the side of the bed and she came to me. She straddled my lap and kissed me silly. I flipped her onto her back, ripped her clothes off and made love to her. I must have fallen asleep.
I woke and listened in the dark. It was still. But something woke me. Then a sniffle came from the other side of the bed.
“Jo?”
“What? Hmm?” She wiped at her face furiously.
I put my hand on her shoulder and rolled her onto her back. “Oh, shite! Did I hurt you, Josie?” The first time I’d been so careful. What was I thinking?
“No. No. I’m fine.” She rolled over. “Go back to sleep, Killian.”
I lay down for a moment, confused. “Can I hold you?”
She didn’t say anything, but moved closer and lifted her head for me to slide my arm under. The pillow was wet. I rose onto my elbow and reached over her for the lamp and switched it on. We both blinked in the sudden light, but there was no mistaking the tears she was trying so desperately to hide.
I put a hand on the side of her face. “I did hurt you. What can I do to make it better?”
She blinked, her mouth hanging open, and a big fat tear tracked along each cheek. She looked away from me. “It’s nothing. I’m being stupid. Let’s go back to sleep.” She tried to reach for the lamp, but my hand covered hers.
“Joz.” I wiped away the tears with my thumb. Then they kept coming faster. “What did I do?”
She covered her face with her hands. Her shoulders began to shake.
It was a stab to the gut. I curled my feet under me, crouched in a ball beside her. “Josie, honey. Please talk to me. I want to know how I hurt you.”
She slammed her arms into the mattress. “You didn’t hurt me.”
“Then who did? If someone hurt you, you tell me and I’ll take care of them.”
A small smile peeked through the tears. “No one hurt me. I’m being silly. Please, let’s—”
“Your crying is not silly. Something is upsetting you, and I’d like to know what it is.” She looked away. “Jo, I don’t want us to share only our bodies. I want more than that.” Her gaze flew to mine, her forehead wrinkled. “Don’t you?”
She was still for a long moment, staring at me. Then she pushed up to sit with her back against the headboard, knees drawn in. I sat by her side and mirrored her position, my feet near her tush.
“Killian….” She took a deep breath. “I don’t know if I can explain myself, but I’ll try. I’m not sure it will make sense to anyone but me.” She paused. “Here’s the thing…you’re cute, and sweet, and you’re a good man. A truly good man. You’re funny, you’re sexy…and all this makes it hard for me.” She looked at me as if her words explained it all.
I frowned. “So, I should be mean?”
She smiled. “That would be helpful.”
“Well, I’m glad we cleared that up.” We chuckled, then we grew quiet. I tried to make sense of what she’d told me. “You said I’m making it hard for you to…hard for you to do what?”
She looked away, shaking her head. “So…my way of dealing with life is by keeping everything contained, organized, neat. Inside and out. But…since I met you….” She looked at me and exhaled. “I’ve been…a different person. I’ve…opened up. Let go of my hold.”
I rubbed her foot. “Aren’t those good things?”
“Oh, yes. In some ways it’s been so freeing. And I’ve never been happier.”
The girl is crying herself to sleep, but she’s never been happier. Lord, help me to understand.
“Jo…I’m trying. I’m really trying to understand. But…it makes no sense to me.” The truth was in there somewhere, I simply needed to find it. “Okay. Maybe we can start with what, specifically, upset you tonight?
She folded and unfolded her hands, staring at them. “Tonight, everyone kept saying stuff like, ‘the last gal you brought in’ and ‘got yourself a live one this time.’”
My head ached from trying to understand. “That hurt you? You didn’t seem upset. I thought you were having fun.”
“That’s because I’m an expert at hiding how I’m feeling.”
“I told you that you don’t have to act around me.”
“I know. And I appreciate that. But it’s automatic for me. Maybe it’s something I need to work at.”
I nodded, though still confused. So, she was upset at McGillicutty’s…
“Is it you don’t like that I’ve been with other women?”
“No. I’m not judging you about that at all. I think you’re…wonderful. You’re the normal one. I’m the one who’s screwed up. I’m not you, Killian. When all this is over, you’ll go back to your life, and I’m going to ache for you. I already ache for you. I’m not made for this type of thing. I should have never tried. I’ve tried not to think about this ending. Tried to enjoy my moment in Killian’s sunlight. I just can’t do it.” Her voice choked on the last.
“Who said anything about this having to end?”
“Killian, I may have been a virgin when I met you,” she snapped. “And I may have had zero relationship experience, but I’m not stupid. I know how these things work.”
She thinks it’s going to end. Why does she think it’s going to end? Oh…wait….
“So you think, because of my other relationships, this is only a short-term thing. A fling.”
“Isn’t it? Let’s be honest.”
“Okay. Okay.” Now I knew where she was coming from. I just needed to explain myself to her. “You know, we’re not so different, you and I, Jo.”
She snorted. “Right.”
“No, listen. Like you said earlier, you…avoid forming connections with people to protect yourself. I do the same thing.” And as I said it, it made sense to me, too. “Only I protect myself from getting hurt…I avoid meaningful connections…by being involved in shallow relationships that don’t mean anything. You said being with me has changed you. But what you don’t understand is being with you has changed me, too.” She didn’t speak. “Why do you think my friends are making such a big deal of this?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why was Quinn so fast to hop up and play music for us at Paddy’s? Why was Mick so interested in getting to know you? Why did Darcy get us a snug so we could have more privacy? It’s because they can see it. They can see things are different with you.”
“Really?”
“Yes.” I took her hand. “Honey, I know I haven’t said anything about how I was feeling. I didn’t know how you felt, and I didn’t want to scare you. But…I’ve fallen in love with you, Josephine Compton. And I’ve an inklin’ there’s no going back.”
She covered her mouth with her hand. “You’re not just saying that, are you? So we can go back to sleep and you can run away all together tomorrow?”
“Jo.” I stretched to put my arms around her. “I’ve never meant anything more sincerely in my life.”