Of all the things he could have said, he’d chosen the one most guaranteed to raise every defensive wall she owned. Partly as an instinctive security measure to protect her against the possibility that any element of her other life could or would be ferreted out. She could never allow herself to be exposed in such a way. Not if she wanted to continue with the work she was doing. And she did. Both for her own very selfish reasons and for the more noble goal of helping her country. She was somewhat ashamed to admit that it was the former that drove her far more than the latter, but then, she was already more than fulfilling her philanthropic duties to those less fortunate with her position as the head of the Trent Foundation. Surely she could be allowed a small measure of selfishness in her other vocation without its reflecting too poorly on her soul.
And here was poor Finn, whose soul was pure, as were his motivations in all avenues of his life, conflicted because he’d found himself attracted to a thief and had no way to square his moral self with that knowledge. It should amuse or gratify her in some way that despite his misgivings about her seemingly less than legal frolics, he wanted her anyway. Not only did he want her; he wanted all of her.
She did shift in her seat then, despite willing herself not to.
Because she was unable to find that place inside of her that would let her lie to herself, or at least come up with some small thing, anything really, that she could latch on to as a means of protecting herself. The truth of the matter—her instinctive and almost overwhelming immediate response to his baldly and intently stated desire—was that she wanted the very same thing.
It was shocking, really, and hard to even admit as much to herself. It shouldn’t be. He’d never been far from her waking thoughts, despite the elapsed time since their last meeting, and with no promise of ever seeing each other again. And Lord knew he’d consumed her unconscious thoughts for far, far too many nights.
But still, she’d never allowed herself the fantasy of this. Of them seeing each other again and reaching out for more than each other’s willing and quite ready body.
What he wanted was dangerous bordering on terrifying, and she discovered she was ill prepared to deal with any part of it. She had a job to do. An important one. People were counting on her to deliver, as she always did. This was no time for selfish pursuits, much less delusional ideas that there could ever be more here than a very intense, deeply passionate and fulfilling physical relationship. Hell, she didn’t even think she could handle that and keep her head on straight, which was why she’d run so hot and cold with him already.
There was no way she could bring him in and tell him anything, no matter how badly she realized she wanted to. Not because she cared what he thought of her—though it mattered more than it should—but to ease his own conscience and allow him the peace of mind of knowing that his instincts were still on track, despite surface appearances.
Which left her sitting there, with no idea what to say. Or what to do. So, for the first time in her life, she took the coward’s way out. It was the only course of action she could think of that wouldn’t cause further risk of either of them being compromised.
She stood, and made far too great a deal out of smoothing her skirt. “I think I’m going to take advantage of that room in the back. Alone.” She forced herself to look at him. “I’ve heard all that you’re saying, and I’m…I’m flattered.”
“Flattered,” he repeated, his voice toneless.
She shouldn’t give him the slightest of edges. All of her training, and every bit of her hard-won experience, screamed at her to raise her guard and give him not so much as a toehold to latch on to. “If the circumstances were different…” She trailed off only for a second, then quickly went on, albeit far more shakily than she’d have liked. “But they aren’t. And they won’t ever be. So I don’t see the point in pursuing anything beyond a strict working relationship. I do respect you, and because I respect you, and your directness and honesty, it’s only fair to give you the same. Therefore, I’m telling you that I think it would be best if we made every effort to stay focused on the business we have between us. And nothing else.”
She didn’t realize she was trembling until she had to take a moment to get herself under control before risking taking so much as a step toward the back room in the heels she was wearing. That she might have been stalling to give him time to respond also crossed her mind…and the thought wasn’t easily dismissed.
“Okay,” he said at length.
She’d just steadied herself by placing her hand on the back of her seat, and was about to take a step, when he’d oh so calmly delivered his answer. So her consequent stumble would have been comical if not so mortifying, especially as it was accompanied, no doubt, by an obvious look of surprise on her face. It was just that given his temperament and drive, she supposed she’d expected at least a little battle.
She couldn’t look at him, couldn’t take the amused, perhaps even smug, expression she’d surely discover on his face. Well-deserved, but presently beyond her scope to endure.
But not looking up cost her even more, as she didn’t see that he’d risen from his seat until he took her elbow in his hand and steadied her himself. She should have recoiled from his touch. After all, she’d just delivered her quite magnificent speech about how they were going to remain partners in business only. If he pressed his suit now, she wasn’t entirely certain she wouldn’t end up the biggest hypocrite ever.
“I understand,” he said, his tone quiet, even sincere, if not particularly warm.
She did look at him then, wishing mightily that he’d take his hand off of her so she might have a shred of a chance at straightening out her thoughts and feelings. But he didn’t. And she found she couldn’t quite pull away. “Do you?” she heard herself ask.
He merely nodded. But when she thought he would drop his hand and step away, he instead said, “I just want to know one thing.”
Danger, danger, her inner voice screamed, but it didn’t stop her from responding. “Which is?”
“Have you ever wondered?”
“About?”
“Me. The rest of me. Or the possibility of us.”
She should lie. It would end this. He wouldn’t like it, but she knew a man with his code of honor would respect it. “There would be no point to it,” she said instead.
Of course he saw through that. “A conclusion you could only draw if you had. Thought about it, that is.”
“Avoiding the obvious doesn’t require much thinking.”
Rather than look hurt or dismayed, he smiled. It was slow to start, but grew steadily, reaching fully to his eyes, which twinkled quite charmingly. “If only we could. Avoid it, I mean.”
“‘Business only’ means just that. No sex, Finn,” she warned, quite shakily as it happened. Damn it all.
“Mixing the two never seemed to bother you before.”
“I didn’t know you wanted more. I wouldn’t—that changes things.”
“I could say I’d be willing to settle, but if that was the case, we wouldn’t still be standing here right now.”
She swallowed against a suddenly dry throat. “So we’re understood, then,” she managed.
He laughed. “Hardly. That’s the problem.”
“What’s not to understand?” she demanded, trying hard to find her righteous anger at his intentional obstinacy. “You want more than I’m willing to give, so it’s only fair that we both step back and do our jobs without further entangling ourselves.”
“If things were fair,” he said, “we wouldn’t be attracted to each other in the first place.” He crowded her the tiniest bit closer to the back of her seat. “We’d never have gotten entangled to begin with.” He shifted a bit more. She didn’t stop him. “If things were fair, I’d have turned you in the first time I met you and caught you with that dazzling Columbian diamond.”
“A diamond you were also after,” she reminded him, though her heart was beating so hard now, she couldn’t even hear herself speak.
“The difference is, I was just recovering an item that was stolen from my client and put on the black market.” He shifted closer, lowered his head slightly, so she had to tilt her chin to maintain eye contact. “Where did that diamond end up, anyway?”
“Rightful ownership isn’t always as clear cut a case as some would like to think,” she said, knowing this was already more than she should.
“Meaning what? Finders, keepers?”
“Meaning we both have our own views on what constitutes right and wrong.”
That smile flirted around the corners of his mouth again. “Why don’t you illuminate me on your personal view.”
“You already think you know, so why bother?”
“I don’t think I know anything when it comes to you, which brings us all the way back around to my initial proposition.”
“I don’t recall you propositioning me. Quite the opposite. This time,” she added, trying and failing quite magnificently to channel the inner vixen that usually had no problem surfacing around him. Instead she’d come off sounding a bit…put out.
“If you’re trying to slowly drive me mad, Your Majesty, you’re succeeding quite brilliantly,” he told her, allowing a hint of her own accent to color his words as his amused smile once again reached his eyes.
“I’m just trying to get the job done without creating additional obstacles that will only make it more difficult.”
His eyes darkened slightly, and his smile hardened. “Interesting choice of words.”
She mentally scrambled back over what she’d said, but hardly remembered which words she’d used. He was standing entirely too close, and so she was missing whatever it was he’d picked up on. “Mixing business with pleasure might not be an obstacle for you, but—”
“That’s not what I meant. We both know what we’re capable of there, and whether we’d prefer it to be more or not.”
Now she tensed. What had she let slip?
But rather than illuminate things for her, he merely let his palm slide down her arm until his hand covered hers. He lifted it, turning it palm up, and pressed a kiss into the center of it, never once breaking eye contact as he curled her fingers over the damp spot. “Keep that safe for me, will you?”
With that, he turned around and dug the bag out from under the table. “I’m going to feed the hunger I can. Would you care for anything?”
She stood there, completely bewildered, before thankfully, mercifully, her anger kicked in. He was toying with her, and she most definitely did not appreciate it. “No, thank you. I believe I’ll retire and get some rest. Once you’ve gotten whatever information you can from your partners, I’d appreciate it if you’d use the intercom to buzz me awake. I’ll be happy to go over whatever plan you devise.” And with that, she turned her back and all but fled to the rear of the plane.
Forty-five minutes later, lying stiffly on her back on a bed that was far bigger and far more comfortable than she’d imagined an airplane bed could be—private jet or no—Felicity realized that she was too pent up to rest. Pent-up anger, pent-up desire, pent-up…a lot of things.
She sighed heavily, quite disgusted with her pent-up self, and tucked her arm beneath her head. She was staring at the ceiling, but seeing something else entirely. Someone, actually. Finn Dalton. Of the forever tousled blond hair, blue eyes that should be outlawed for their penetrative abilities alone, and ridiculously sexy grin that never failed to set her pulse to pounding. He wanted her every bit as much as she wanted him, so it made absolutely no sense that he was out there, she was back here, and neither of them was assuaging one bit of the sexual tension and need that had built up to volcanic proportions between them. All because he suddenly wanted more, or the chance at more. And now he was an all-or-nothing guy.
He was the most confounding man she’d ever met.
She curled her fingers reflexively into the palm he’d kissed, then realized what she was doing and instantly straightened her fingers. She didn’t want him mooning over her, or doing anything tender and sweet. She most definitely did not want him wanting to get to know her more intimately, at least in any way he hadn’t already discovered. Keeping things strictly physical was the only way there could be anything between them. And while she’d tried to push that aside for the good of the job, even she wasn’t so foolish as to try to make herself believe she wouldn’t be naked and climbing to that always stunning crescendo of pleasure right this very second if that had been his intent.
She shouldn’t be disappointed. At least not to the degree she was. She liked her world, enjoyed the thrill her secret life gave her, the balance it provided to the stifling part that was the rest of it. Relentlessly public, relentlessly bound by etiquette and rules and ridiculous protocols, not to mention the endless expectations placed on her by everyone from her board members to every British citizen who read the daily sheets and believed their opinion on how she should conduct her life should weigh heavily on every choice she made. From what she wore, to when and where she ate, to whom she was seen with.
And yet, despite all of that, or perhaps because that was what she’d been born to bear, she’d always believed, when the time came, it would be that part of her life that would provide her with her future mate and partner. After all, where else would she meet such a match? Or anyone, really, who was willing to take her on, as well as everything else she came saddled with? Of course, when that day came, she’d have given up her other…pursuits, in order to devote herself to the relationship and all the new demands it would bring. She was even content with that eventuality. Although, admittedly, she hadn’t exactly been scoping out the field, as they say, with any real diligence. Perhaps it was because she truly couldn’t envision herself with any of the men who typically crossed her path.
Or…perhaps, subconsciously, she hadn’t really been all that keen on man-hunting because the man she really wanted, the only one to have ever truly captivated her, and captured her attention, was the one presently sitting a dozen or so yards away in this very plane.
She rolled to her side, restless, far too pent up, and supremely agitated by the whole thing. She definitely didn’t need to be thinking this way, certainly not about Finn, and certainly not while there was such an important mission demanding her full attention.
Which left her right back where she started. She needed to find a way to deal with him and succeed in the task at hand without letting either one of them cloud their thinking further by reactivating their dormant physical relationship. Tell that to the pulsing, demanding ache that wouldn’t subside no matter how tightly she pressed her thighs together. Perhaps Finn was right, and they should just—no. No, she told herself firmly. Don’t even go there. He’d already made it clear he was going to want more. Far, far more than she could give.
Shockingly, she felt a sudden burn behind her eyes and squeezed them immediately, tightly shut to ward off any ridiculous tears that might think to form there. What a hopeless case she was! Finn was out of reach. Completely. Felicity could in no way allow herself to think their lives could entwine, other than like this. And this wasn’t enough. Finn was right about that. In fact, this, what little she’d had of it, of him, was already too much. It was true. If he couldn’t be everything, then he had to be nothing.
She rolled to her back and stared once again at the ceiling, dry eyed, jaw set, fingers digging into the bedspread, knowing what she had to do. It was the only thing she could do. To save herself, save them both. To regain their focus on what was really at stake here. And that was to get as much information as she could from him while they were in the air, and then, at the first possible chance that presented itself after landing, take off on her own. It was where she should have remained all along.
And let the better man, or woman, win.
Just then the intercom buzzer went off, making her jump. But she quickly gathered herself, stood, and smoothed her skirt. A quick look in the mirror confirmed what she already knew. Eyes steely, chin set, resolve firmly in place. It was time to put that resolve into action.
Only, as she slid open the accordion-fold door and stepped into the hallway, she came flush up against Finn, who had just stepped out of the attending conference area and was lifting his hand to rap on the frame next to her door. Instead, his knuckles brushed against her hair, a touch she moved instinctively, naturally, into, before she could marshal any rational, cognizant thought. The instant she did, a mere split second later, she tried to correct the motion, but it was already too late. He was smoothing a strand of her hair back in place, and his face was far too close to hers as he leaned in. In violation of her personal space, he unrepentantly took one step farther as he drew the ends of her hair across her bottom lip, only to drop the soft curl and replace it with his fingertips.
“Sleep well?” he asked, his tone amused and dry, as it often was, yet completely at odds with the intensity of his gaze.
“I—no.” She should step back. Or at the very least bat his hand away, make it clear she wasn’t to be toyed with. Only her body wouldn’t respond to any command she gave it. It was too damn busy responding to Finn. But she still had a voice in this. “Finn, I can’t—”
“Won’t,” he corrected quietly.
“Can’t,” she averred. “Nothing can come of this. And you’re right in that if what little there has been isn’t enough, for either of us, then it’s not fair to continue. So, no, I really can’t.”
“Why are you so certain there isn’t anything else there? You’re not even going to give yourself a chance to find out?”
She shook her head. Big mistake, in that it caused his fingertips to brush along her cheek. It made her want to bury her face in that wide, warm palm of his, rub against it like a kitten seeking warmth. She wanted to grab the front of his shirt, drag him back to the bed behind her, and indulge in every animal craving he’d ever inspired within her, knowing he’d fulfill each and every one.
“Our lives are so very different,” she said, her voice not much more than a hushed whisper. She lifted her gaze to his, hoping he saw the sincerity in her plea—and it was just that, a plea, because if he pushed, she wasn’t sure she could resist. “Our paths cross in a place that exists only outside those normal boundaries. You can straddle those boundaries because your regular life and this are one in the same. Mine aren’t. And I can’t.”
“So, that makes me what? Your dirty little secret?”
“Finn—”
“No, the dirty little secret isn’t me. It’s this.” He gestured to their general surroundings. “This alter ego life you lead. You’re right. What I do—all of what I do—and who I am aren’t mutually exclusive. I know you think we’re worlds apart outside of this moment, this place, this mission. I don’t happen to have such a narrow view. Of either of us. As far as I see it, what prevents us from exploring the possibility that there might be something more here than an exceedingly intense physical connection isn’t your life in London and mine in Virginia. We’re both fortunate enough to be in a situation where overcoming geographical boundaries isn’t that big of an obstacle, should we want to. What’s preventing you from pursuing this is being unable to bring any part of this world into your regular world.”
“It’s a valid concern,” she said, which was nothing but the truth, no matter that he didn’t understand the real reasons why.
He leaned in closer. “I know, but if I were going to turn you in, or do anything to threaten your existence in this little alternate life you’ve created for yourself, I already would have. And I sure as hell wouldn’t be standing here asking you to consider developing any kind of relationship with me. Don’t you get that?”
She felt a fine trembling begin in her fingers and start to spread. He wasn’t going to give up. Not easily. Not unless she gave him no other choice. “Even if I trusted that this wasn’t some kind of ploy—”
“I’m not lying to you. My words and actions have always matched.”
“In the few short times we’ve been together, yes, they have. But you’ve also pursued your own interests in each matter, as have I. Which isn’t surprising, nor would I have expected anything less. But I’m not foolish enough to believe—I can’t allow myself to believe—that whatever interest you’ve developed for me would eclipse getting the job done, especially if both were to come to a crucial point at the same moment in time.” Despite the tremors rippling through her, she held his gaze. “Can you honestly tell me otherwise?”
“There’s another solution to that dilemma.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“It’s not meant to be.”
“So, what you’re saying is, I must give up this ‘little alternate life,’ as you call it, if I want to be with you, or even explore the possibility that there might be something more worthwhile between us.”
He shuffled closer, trapping her between the door frame and his body. “If it’s thrills you’re seeking, perhaps we can find another avenue that will satisfy those cravings.”
Her body responded instantly to his suggestion, which wasn’t surprising since she knew damn well he could deliver on it. Without question. Quite thoroughly. And repeatedly. She could only imagine just how inventive he could be, given the challenge.
It was a struggle to find some sense of balance. He was far too close, and every facet of her equilibrium was threatened, physically, emotionally, intellectually.
“I wish it were that simple,” she said, as sincere in that moment as she’d ever been.
“I don’t understand why it isn’t.”
It was there, right on the tip of her tongue, the truth. And the desire to tell him, to reveal that truth, was so strong it actually made her insides cramp. She knew he couldn’t possibly guess what was really going on, and that in an odd sort of way, she should be flattered that he was actually going against principle in his pursuit of her—not that he’d be willing to accept her apparent flouting of the law in any actual relationship, but he hadn’t dismissed her out of hand simply because he thought she was engaging in activities he could never morally sanction.
But there was still the thread of disappointment that he hadn’t yet conceived that there could be another explanation for her actions. That it had to be greed, or thrill seeking, or even something as simple as boredom that drove her to do what he thought she was doing. Hell, to some men, being an international jewel thief might even seem sexy and exciting, a real turn-on. But that wasn’t the case with Finn. Quite the opposite. He found her appealing despite her apparent avocation, not because of it.
She wanted to grab his shoulders and shake him and make him question her, poke, prod, and dig until he either discovered the truth or pushed her hard enough to reveal it. But it was as if he hadn’t even considered such a thing. And, as irrational as it might be, that hurt. It meant he hadn’t a clue who she really was. Of course, he’d met her as a jewel thief, and she certainly hadn’t given him any indication, given their explicit and extended carnal activities, that she harbored the sort of normal wants and desires most women held out for in a real relationship.
But they were there all the same. And just as he was discovering that he couldn’t keep up the pretense that wild flings were satisfying for him, neither could she. She just wished that he sensed that about her without her having to tell him. After all, she’d met him under the same outrageous circumstances, and yet, she already knew him to be decent and honorable.
“What is it you’re not telling me, Felicity Jane?” he asked.
Her heart skipped a beat. It was as close to a revelation as he’d had as yet. Her brain scrambled to weigh all the pros and cons; but it was in constant flux with the reactions of her body, and her heart, and it was all such a huge jumble, there was no way she could make a rational judgment. Not with him looking at her like that, and her wanting all sorts of things that were in direct conflict with why she’d been sent here and what she’d promised to get done. But her mind wouldn’t stop spinning, teasing her with ridiculous possibilities, ones that should certainly seem outrageous at best, terrifying at worst. And yet she couldn’t stop that little voice from whispering, tauntingly, teasingly, that perhaps it was possible she could somehow tell him and they could join forces and he’d be the one man with whom maybe, just maybe, she could have it all—
Then he cupped her cheek and turned her gaze to his when she looked away in a vain effort to regroup. “Do you need help?” he asked, never more sincere, real concern outlined in every inch of his handsome face. “Have you gotten into something you can’t easily extricate yourself from?”
This time her heart didn’t skip; it stopped altogether, then thundered on with such ferocity she felt it might explode from the sudden intensity of it. Not to mention the anger that accompanied it. He not only hadn’t expanded his thinking about the motivations behind her actions, but he was worried that in all her lawlessness, she’d gone and gotten herself into a spot of trouble. My, my, what an opinion he held of her.
“No,” she said flatly, and pointedly extricated herself from the tight space he’d cornered her into. “I’m more than capable of taking care of myself, but thank you ever so kindly for your concerns. I think we’ve deliberated this point to its only conclusion.” She was all crisp business and haughty demeanor now. It helped hide the hurt and disappointment that shouldn’t be the crushing blow they were. “I’d appreciate it if we could sit and discuss our strategy upon landing. I’d like to hear what you and your partners have come up with, and see if I have any alternate suggestions I’d like to make.”
She didn’t wait for him, but moved back into the main cabin with a deliberate calm that cost her more than he would ever realize.
Whatever happened over the next few hours, she’d already resolved one thing: as soon as she was able, she was going back to working solo. It was pure fantasy to have believed, even for that one shining split second, that there was ever going to be another way.