Chapter 18

"Mr. Nate, Mr. Nate!" David called when he spied Nate entering the church. The boy ran across the vestibule to greet him.

Nate scooped the child into his arms. "Hi, sport. Does your mother know you're out here running around?" Nate had planned to get to church in time for Sunday school, but after a restless night, he'd slept late and arrived during the break between Sunday school and the start of the eleven o'clock service.

David lowered his lashes, giving Nate a chance to smile at the child's antics. "Mama's inside." Nate didn't say anything, just stared at the top of the boy's head until David looked up at him. "I'm not supposed to run in church."

"I didn't think so," Nate said, settling the boy back on the floor. "What do you think we should do about this?"

David stared at his feet. "Tell Mama."

Nate nodded. "That's right. Where is she?"

David put his hand in Nate's and led him through the swinging double doors into the sanctuary. CeCe was down front talking to the Sunday school superintendent. Nate couldn't remember the woman's name. When David would have pulled him down to join the women, Nate held back and directed the child to a pew about a third of the way back from the front of the church. CeCe would see them as soon as she turned around.

Nate nodded a greeting to the faces that were familiar to him because of his visits to the church with CeCe. He knew quite a few names, though he rarely saw the people outside of church. He and CeCe had formed a core group of shared friends in Shay and Marvin, Anna Mae, Stuart, and Miss Brinson, and they spent most of their time with them. That most of their circle had been his friends before he'd met CeCe he attributed to CeCe's work at Genesis House. Her close friendships with Shay and Anna Mae had developed there. The only one of CeCe's friends Nate had gotten to know was B.B., and he supposed that was because she was CeCe's best friend. She'd probably been the only person that CeCe considered a close friend until Shay and Anna Mae joined her circle. Nate knew she now considered him a friend as well. He wanted to be her friend and her husband, if the Lord allowed it, and he hoped she still wanted that kind of intimacy with him. Recent events were making him wonder more and more where they were headed as a couple.

He felt David fidgeting next to him and glanced down to see what the child was doing. He'd somehow knotted the laces in his shoes and was trying unsuccessfully to unknot them without taking off his shoes. Nate reached down, picked up a foot, unknotted the lace, and re-laced the shoe in short order. He quickly did the same for the other foot. David smiled his appreciation, and Nate leaned down and pressed a kiss against his adorable head, knowing that the place the child had secured in his heart would remain forever. Regardless of what happened between CeCe and him romantically, he hoped their friendship would always give him a place in David's life.

Just as Nate raised his head, CeCe turned from her conversation with the superintendent. Their eyes met, and she gave him a wobbly smile. He gave her a stronger one in return. At least, he hoped his was stronger. He knew his insides were as wobbly as the smile she'd given him.

"Good morning," he said when she reached the pew.

"Good morning." She settled in next to David. "I didn't expect to see you here today. You didn't tell me you were coming."

"Is that good or bad?" he asked, teasing her but wanting to hear her answer.

She gave the barest hint of a smile. "I think it's good."

Nate nodded. "I thought we could have dinner together after service."

Her eyes brightened, and he took encouragement from the change it brought in her. "Of course. You can come over to the house. B.B. cooked something before we left this morning."

"Do you think she made enough for me?" Nate knew Miss Brinson always cooked more than enough, but he wanted to keep the light in CeCe's eyes.

"There's always enough for you, Nate," CeCe said in all seriousness, her eyes locked with his. "You shouldn't even have to ask."

"Just checking," he said, but he smiled as he did so, and so did she.

Their conversation was cut short by the start of the devotional. As usual, the deacons led the combination prayer-praise service, which set the tone for the morning worship. Their first song, "How Great Thou Art," was one of Nate's favorite hymns. He closed his eyes and joined in the deacons' chanting rhythm. His soul was comforted by the greatness of the God he served. The spirit of worship encompassed Nate, and his heart overflowed with love and gratitude for his Father, his Savior, and his Comforter. Before he knew it, David was telling him "See ya" and scrambling over his mother's legs to join the other children for children's church. Nate slid closer to CeCe, taking the space David had just vacated so there was no room between them.

* * *

CeCe was very conscious of Nate's presence. She'd been surprised but very happy to see him when she'd turned from her conversation with Alma Thompson. Though he'd called when he'd gotten back to town last Sunday, she missed seeing him, being with him, talking to him, despite the fact that their last conversation had been an argument. Now he would be spending the rest of the day with her. Well, not exactly the whole day, because she had to go to work. She could arrive as late as three, but she had to go. She sneaked a glance at Nate. She was sure he was aware of her schedule. She just hoped her leaving wouldn't become awkward.

She turned her attention back to the pastor when he began reading the Scripture lesson for the day. He'd chosen the story of Mary and Martha from the Gospels. She opened her Bible so she could follow along with him. As she read along, she looked and listened for some word or advice that applied directly to her situation with Nate. Was there something in the story of Mary and Martha? Was she Martha, so busy with the unimportant work that she was leaving the important work undone? CeCe didn't think so. Yes, she was working a great deal, but there was a purpose to her work. She wasn't busy merely for the sake of being busy. When the service ended, she was disappointed that she hadn't gotten any guidance on her relationship with Nate.

"Great service," Nate said to her after the benediction.

CeCe guessed he'd gotten whatever it was he wanted out of the service because his eyes were bright and content. Maybe she would have gotten more if her attention hadn't kept straying from the pastor's lesson to her relationship with Nate.

"Pastor Reeves always preaches a good message," she said before turning to greet her fellow church members. She and Nate made their way to the doors, stopping here and there to give a greeting and share a hug or a kiss. David was waiting for them in the vestibule. Not waiting exactly, more like playing around with his friends.

"Are you coming to our house, Mr. Nate?" he asked when he saw them.

"Sure am, sport," Nate told him.

David turned to his mother. "Can I ride with Mr. Nate, Mama?"

CeCe shook her head. "Not today, David. Nate would have to take the booster out of our car, and that's too much trouble."

David shook his head. "No, he won't. I have a booster in his car. Tell her, Mr. Nate. Tell her about the booster."

CeCe looked up at Nate, a question in her eyes. "I picked it up a couple of weeks ago." He palmed David's head. "My buddy here and I were spending too much time moving the seat from one car to the other."

"Yeah, Mama, now I have three boosters. One in your car, one in B.B.'s car, and one in Mr. Nate's car. So I can ride with Mr. Nate, can't I, Mama?"

CeCe nodded her head. "I guess you can, David."

"Yeah," David shouted. "Let me go tell Rodney." David scampered back off to his little friend. CeCe called after him, "David—"

"Let him go, CeCe," Nate said. "He's having a good time."

CeCe looked at her son with love in her eyes. "I know he is, but we have to get home so we can eat. I have to go to work this afternoon."

"That's right," Nate said. "Why don't you go on ahead? We'll follow right behind you. We'll be ready to eat as soon as we walk in the house. You won't be late for work."

CeCe sensed rather than heard Nate's displeasure. "Don't do this, Nate," she said quietly.

"Go on," Nate said, not responding to her plea. "I promise David and I will be only a few minutes behind you."

CeCe wanted to make Nate understand, but she couldn't find the words. She just stood and watched as he walked over to David and his friend. She was losing him. She knew she was.

* * *

Sunday dinner would have been very awkward had it not been for David and B.B. CeCe wasn't sure if it was she or Nate causing the tension at the table, but she was sure that he and B.B. felt it, just as sure as she was that David didn't.

"Can I go now, Mama?" David asked CeCe. "Mr. Nate wants to see my game. I have to go set it up."

She glanced at Nate and accepted his nodded agreement before answering her son. "Sure," she said with a smile. "But you have to set it up in your room. Mr. Nate can see it up there."

"OK, Mama." He hustled out of his chair. "I'll go set it up now."

"Change your clothes first," she called after him, hoping he'd heard her in all his excitement.

After David left the room, B.B. made a production of clearing his plate and hers from the table. Then she remembered some task she needed to do in her room, leaving CeCe and Nate alone, not just in the dining room but on the first floor of the house.

"Thank you for being so good with David," CeCe said, though she knew they had other issues to discuss. She also knew those other issues would take more time than she had right now. She didn't want to be late for work.

The corners of Nate's mouth turned downward in a frown. "You don't have to thank me, CeCe. I love David. I thought you knew that by now."

Why was he turning her words around? she wondered. "I know you love him, Nate, but that doesn't mean I can't thank you for the way you are with him. Not many real fathers are as good, as patient, as loving with their children as you are with David."

Nate leaned back in his chair and tossed his white cloth napkin on the table in front of him. "I want to be a real father to him, CeCe, just as I want to be a husband to you. I thought that was what you wanted too, but now I'm not so sure."

CeCe didn't have the time for this conversation now, and Nate had to know it. So why was he bringing it up? "You know it's what I want. How can you say you're not sure?"

His eyes widened in surprise or anger, she wasn't sure which. "How can I not say it? The last time I talked to you, you were on the fast track to paying Eric back his money. A fast track that's going to take two or three years. That must mean you're thinking it'll be two, three, four years before we get married."

CeCe shook her head. She wasn't going to get angry with him. "We haven't talked about a date, Nate. We aren't even officially engaged yet, but—"

Nate lifted his arms in the air. "Whose fault is that?" he asked, his voice clipped and louder than usual. "You've been dragging your feet about the entire matter. I told you that I wanted to talk to your parents first, and I didn't see you making any move to get us together. Had your grandfather not gotten ill, I'm not sure you would have ever gotten around to getting me together with your parents."

"That's not—"

Nate shook his head and laughed a dry chuckle. "Do you know that I have a diamond engagement ring in my chest at home that I've been wanting to give to you?"

He'd already bought the ring. She didn't know. Why hadn't he told her? "Nate—"

He lowered his voice to its normal decibel level. "Don't 'Nate' me, and don't look so surprised. Why wouldn't I have a ring? I want to marry you, CeCe. This isn't a game for me."

She bowed her head. "It's not a game for me either."

He took her hand in his. "Then tell me what we're doing, where we're going, because for the life of me, I don't know anymore."

She raised clear eyes to him. "I want to marry you, Nate, and I also want to pay back Eric's money. There's nothing that says we can't get married before I pay the money back."

Nate shook his head, his eyes sad. "You don't get it, do you?"

"Get what?" CeCe asked, anger running up her spine trailed closely by fear.

"There is no us until you deal with Eric." He spoke slowly, deliberately, each word clearly enunciated. "How can we even think about getting married with him consuming all of your thoughts and energy?"

She jerked her hand away from his, her anger and fear equally matched now. "We aren't back on that, are we? Eric is nothing to me, Nate. I'll tell you again. Maybe it's your own heart that you need to consider." Before he could respond, she pushed back from the table and stood. "We need to talk this through without interruption, and we can't do it now because I have to go to work. I'll be back around six. If you're here, we can talk after David goes to bed."

"I'll be here," he answered with a barely perceptible bow of his head.

"Good. I have to go change. I'll talk to you tonight." As she turned and left the room, the fear of what was coming consumed all of her anger.

* * *

CeCe arrived back that night a little earlier than she'd expected. She and Nate had some time together with David, which she really enjoyed, and then she listened as Nate read David a story before they left him to sleep for the night. Her heart lightened a bit when Nate took her hand in his as they walked down the stairs and out to the porch.

He continued holding her hand when he spoke. "I'm sorry for my attitude today, CeCe. I've been upset about things, and I let my feelings show in the wrong way. I hope you can forgive me."

"There's nothing to forgive, Nate," she said. Then she added, "Nothing much, at least."

He gave a grim smile and squeezed her fingers. "I don't know where we're going, CeCe, and that concerns me. I thought we wanted the same things—"

"We do." She placed a hand against his cheek. "You know we do. I love you, and I can think of nothing better than spending the rest of my life with you."

"Even though you think I'm treating you as though you're Naomi?" he asked, his eyes probing hers. "Is that what you really think, CeCe?"

It was her turn to squeeze his fingers. His voice betrayed his vulnerability. "I think you're comparing Eric and me to Naomi and the ex-beau she ended up marrying."

He dropped her hands and leaned back on the swing. "Maybe I am guilty of making those comparisons, but I don't think I've been unreasonable. I never want to end up in another relationship like that one, which is why I asked you that first night if there was anybody else."

"I told you there wasn't, and there isn't."

He leaned forward. "But there is."

She sighed deeply. "We seem to be at a stalemate, Nate. I don't know what else I can do to make you believe what I tell you. Tell me what I have to do to prove to you that Eric means nothing to me."

He took her hands in his again. "Call him. Ask him to forgive you for the blackmail, and make reasonable arrangements to repay the money." This time CeCe pulled her hands away from his. He sighed. "Why is that so hard for you to do?" he asked.

She rubbed her hands down her arms. Though she wore long sleeves, the late-November air felt chilly. Or was the chill she felt from Nate? "I'm not sure. I just don't think I can do it now. How can I talk to him after everything that has gone on in the past? I need to be able to give him the money, and then I can talk to him. Not before."

"Why is having the money so important, CeCe? The money isn't the issue. The issue is your letting go of the past so we can move on to the future."

"I just need more time, Nate." Why couldn't he understand?

"How much time?" he asked, his voice soft. "It's been five years now. How much more time do you need?"

CeCe stood up, still rubbing her hands down her arms. "Just let me get the money. Then I'll be able to face him. I can't face him now. I'd be too ashamed. I can't do it. After everything he's done to me, I can't go crawling to him for forgiveness. I can't. Not now. Not yet."

Nate inhaled a deep breath and then let it out. "That's my problem."

CeCe dropped her hands from her arms and turned to face him. "What's your problem?"

"You," he said, inclining his head toward her. "If you can't let him go, there's no room for me. If you can't forgive him, CeCe, I have to wonder if there'll come a time that you can't—or won't—forgive me."

She raised her arms in exasperation. "That's ridiculous, Nate. You'd never—"

He cut her off. "Never say 'never.' Besides, true forgiveness has very little to do with the actual wrong that was done. True forgiveness comes from a loving heart, CeCe. True forgiveness is a decision, much like love, not just a feeling."

CeCe felt as though a dull knife stabbed at her heart with each of Nate's words. "But once I get the money—"

"OK, CeCe," Nate said calmly, too calmly. "What will happen when you get the money?" He didn't give her time to answer. "You'll be able to throw it in Eric's face and prove once and for all that you're a better person than he is. That he wronged you, that he left you, but that you didn't need him. Will the money prove that to him? Will the money give you that kind of confidence?"

His words sounded awful to CeCe's ears, but they had been exactly what she was thinking. She'd apologize to Eric, all right, and after she did, he'd begin to feel guilty. He'd realize how badly he'd treated her, and then he'd realize he hadn't hurt her as much as he'd thought. She'd gotten over it and gone on with her life. And done very well—spiritually and financially—so well that she could forgive him and repay his money. "You're making it sound so..." She couldn't find the words.

"So what? Coldhearted? Calculated? Unchristian?" Again, he didn't give her time to answer. "I thought I knew you, CeCe. I thought that tough exterior of yours was just a facade. I thought that the real you was tenderhearted, kind, loving—all the traits that are valuable and worth cherishing. But the CeCe I'm seeing now is somebody else. This CeCe would rather hold on to her past, would rather plan for some outrageous revenge, than move on to her future with a clear heart. This new CeCe I don't understand. She's not the CeCe I fell in love with."

CeCe's heart broke with his last sentence, but she wasn't going to allow Nate to see how much his words had hurt her. "Maybe you never loved me, Nate. Not the real me."

Nate shook his head, and there was defeat in his eyes. "That's where you're wrong, CeCe." He gave a dry chuckle that held no humor. "I still love you, and I probably always will. But I don't see how we can build a future, a life together, on a foundation of unforgiveness and the presence of another man. I just don't see it. The problem for me is not that I don't love you. My problem is how do I deal with the love I feel for you when I know that nothing can ever come of it."