Chapter 44
“Whatever you make is good.”
Johnnie opened her eyes slowly, wondering if the previous night was another satisfying but empty fantasy. She smiled when she saw Lucas’ massive arm wrapped around her waist. His embrace made her feel safe, and for the first time she felt wanted for who she was. Most men only saw a beautiful peach that was ready to be plucked; they didn’t know she had the capacity to make them feel the kind of love that comes along once in a lifetime. The warmth of Lucas’ naked body against hers made her want the moment to go on forever. She knew it wouldn’t, but she wanted it to last as long as possible.
I wonder if Lucas will be able to handle this relationship and the things I have to do. I hope he can, because I really like him. I like the way he did it to me last night. It felt so good, so real. I wonder if it will be like that every time. I can’t believe how many times I came. Earl doesn’t make me come unless I think about Lucas. But with Lucas, I’m free to be myself. I can relax and enjoy our lovemaking. I know what I’ll do. I’ll make it hard for him to leave me. I know he likes me a lot. I just have to keep him wanting me somehow.
Lucas moved a little and Johnnie wondered if he was awake. She turned over and looked in his face. His eyes were open.
“So, you’re awake,” Johnnie said and put her head on his bare chest.
“Yeah, I’ve been up for a while,” Lucas said and kissed her forehead. “I’m sorry, Johnnie.”
“For what?”
“For adding to your burden last night. For shootin’ my mouth off about the way white men use colored women. I’m just jealous, ya know.”
“It’s okay. I can understand you feeling that way.”
“It just kinda reminds me of being a slave.”
“How do you mean?”
“Well, basically, the white man still owns us in a way. He determines what we can do, how much money we make, what kind of schools we go to and what kind of neighborhood we live in.”
“But Lucas, there’s a lot of well-to-do Negroes living out here.”
“Yeah, because most of them are the kind of people that think they’re better than the ones where I live. The white man loves it when we try to act white. Tryin’ to be like him, hatin’ our own people. House niggas. Most of ’em anyway.”
“You think I’m a house nigga too, Lucas?”
“No. You’re smarter than him. My mother says a colored woman has to be smarter than the white man is. She makes him think he’s usin’ her, when all the time she’s usin’ him.”
“Well, I won’t have to do it forever, Lucas. I need you to hang in there with me.”
“And I need to feel like a man. I decided to get a job, like you suggested. That way, I can at least pay my own way and occasionally pay yours. But from now on, I think we better find out what the movie’s about, no matter how hot it is, okay?”
“Okay.” Johnnie laughed. “And we’ll go to the Sepia, okay?”
“All right, baby,” he said, kissing her cheek.
“You want me to make you some breakfast, Lucas?”
“Yeah, I’m starvin’.”
“What do you want to eat?”
“Whatever you make is good.”