She slowly stretched out an arm in the forlorn hope that Andreas would be lying on the other side of the double bed, but she knew that he wasn’t still there. They hadn’t told Liv and Linnea about their relationship yet, so he always set his alarm for five o’clock and crept home to the guest cottage to sleep for a couple of hours before going to work. Her fingers touched his pillow and she pulled it towards her, burying her nose in it and breathing in. She could still smell him on the pillow, and the scent alone was enough to cause an aroused tingling to sweep through her body and a broad smile to spread across her face. By sheer force of willpower she pushed the pillow away and climbed out of bed to make breakfast and wake the girls. Fifteen minutes later they were up and she’d brushed aside any thoughts of her boyfriend.
“Mum, you don’t need to come to school with us today – the weather’s awful,” said Liv with her mouth full of liver paste on toast.
“Thanks. That’s sweet of you. But I have to go shopping and talk to Christer, so I’ll go with you anyway,” said Emelie.
Twenty minutes later they were all warmly dressed outside the house. And Liv was right, the weather really was awful. Almost zero degrees and with an icy wind that blew straight through flesh and bone alike.
“It was never this windy in Växjö,” mumbled Linnea from inside the scarf she’d pulled up over half her face.
The only thing visible between the brim of her hat and her scarf was the angry glare of her brown eyes.
“No, it’s the wind from the sea that makes it like this,” said Emelie, and pulled her coat tighter around herself.
The wind made it impossible to talk and they walked the whole way in silence. Emelie waved them off as they ran into the warmth of the school building, and bent her head against the wind on the way to the community centre. She went over what she wanted to talk to Christer about. First and foremost the Knut’s party. But given what he’d said on New Year’s Eve, the question of whether she wanted to take over after him was certain to come up too. She didn’t get any further than that with her thinking before she reached the community centre and opened the door.
“Hello, is anyone there?”
“Come in, I’m in the big hall,” shouted Christer in reply.
Emelie hung up her outdoor clothes and went in.
“Oh, so you made it out in this terrible weather? I’ve just put some coffee on. Do you want some?” Christer got up from the table, where he’d spread out numerous pieces of paper and photographs.
“Yes, thanks. The wind makes it feel like it’s minus twenty-five out.”
Christer chuckled something about “typical west coast weather” and sorted out a tray with a thermos jug, mugs and a jar of biscuits. Emelie sat down and picked up a black-and-white photograph of three weather-beaten old men sitting on a bench and squinting at the sun.
“Who are these? Relatives of yours?”
Emelie held up the photo for Christer.
“No, not those particular people. But this is the start of my project about the history of Sardinön. Thanks for the other night, by the way; it was a really nice evening, despite the bad stuff. I heard that Kurt died. Terrible. How’s Birgitta?”
Emelie told him about Birgitta’s visit, and Christer said that Carina had gone to Vänersborg to sell her spices at the market there. Emelie brightened.
“Talking of markets, the reason I came today is that Linn and I were talking about organising a Knut’s party here at the community centre. We thought we could hang sweets on the tree for the children to take, and we could have a jumble sale where the villagers could sell things, and all the money raised would go to charity.”
Emelie looked around the room and could see exactly how it would work. She jumped up from her chair and strode around the room, describing to Christer where the tree and the jumble sale tables would stand and where they could have the kids’ fishing pond. Linn’s café worked really well during the Christmas market, so that could be in the same place.
“Linn’s even found a St Knut’s Day cake in Astrid’s recipe book that she’s going to try making. What do you think? Isn’t that a great idea?”
Christer had followed her with his eyes and nodded encouragement to everything she said.
“Well, that’s not a bad idea at all. But what charity were you thinking the money would go to?”
Emelie sat back down at the table and filled up her coffee cup.
“I don’t know, there must be loads of them. But it would be nice for it to go to something useful for the island.”
“Perhaps it could go to helping with the community centre?” said Christer.
“What a great idea! So you’re happy for us to organise a Knut’s party with a jumble sale here on St Knut’s Day?”
“Emelie, I’m happy with whatever if you’re organising it. Which leads me to the question I asked you before Christmas. I’m going to contact the council and tell them I want to retire, and if you want to decide what goes on here after that, you need to take over yourself,” said Christer, reaching for a biscuit.
Emelie bit into a biscuit and chewed slowly. She wanted to buy herself a bit more thinking time, even if there wasn’t really enough. But did she ever have enough time? And if she applied for the job, would she be stuck here? Would that mean lulling the girls and Andreas into the belief that she’d actually made a decision? On the other hand, if they stayed the job meant she’d have an income and that she could put all her ideas into practice. And she had loads of ideas. As if he’d read her thoughts, Christer leaned over the table, dropping a shower of biscuit crumbs onto the photographs.
“If you don’t take the job, we don’t know who’ll get it and what they’ll want to do with the community centre.”
Emelie smiled at him and pointed to where he had a crumb of biscuit on his cheek.
“You’re sneaky, aren’t you? I’m delighted you think I should have the job, and I’ll be happy to take over from you.”
As soon as she said it, she knew it was the right thing to do. There were so many fun things they could do with this old farm, and it would be lovely to have an income that meant she didn’t have to worry about money. And if she decided to leave Sardinön, she could just hand in her notice. It was no more complicated than that. Christer stood and held out his arms to Emelie, who hugged him back.
“That’s great, Emelie! It’s going to be fantastic to have new blood and fresh ideas. Come with me.”
He took her hand and drew her along to the room next to the big hall. He stopped and gestured towards it with a sweep of his hand.
“This is where I thought I’d do an exhibition about the history of Sardinön.”
Before she could reply, he pulled her into the next room, which was a small office. There was a desk with a computer that looked like it was at least 15 years old, two metal shelving units full of folders and newspaper racks, and a printer perched on a small table. Christer sat down in the scruffy office chair and took out a document from under the desk mat.
“I’m going to write my letter of notice now, and then we’ll ring the council.”
A phone call later and Christer had given his notice and strongly recommended Emelie as his successor. The person at the council had taken note of everything and seemed happy that there was someone who wanted to take over. As the council lady had said, it wasn’t always easy to find good people in rural areas. But she’d come to Sardinön as soon as possible so she and Emelie could meet.
The wind howled, and the tree branches waved frantically around her, but Emelie barely noticed as she walked down the hill from the community centre. The decision still felt right, but thoughts about what it meant for her and her future ran round and round in her head all the way to the shop. When she got there, she greeted Karin at the checkout and picked up a red basket, but then found herself frozen, unable to remember what she’d been going to buy. She was just about to pull out her phone and check her shopping list when Linn came along the aisle with her arms full of groceries.
“Hello. You’re here! I’m about to go for a break, do you want to come with me? I just have to put this lot back. It’s sad – it’s a tiny shop but still people can’t be bothered to put things they don’t want back. They just plonk them down on a random shelf somewhere.”
Emelie nodded and didn’t mention the fact that she’d done the same thing herself. Perhaps even more than once.
“Of course I can keep you company, if that’d be OK with Anders?”
“Oh, he won’t mind. Put your basket back and come with me.”
They went through the shop and Linn replaced all of the products on the correct shelf.
“You’re really settling in here now,” laughed Emelie.
“Yes, it’s great here, but not as good as my own bakery will be. Oh, have you talked to Christer about the Knut’s party?”
They sat down in the small, cosy staff room and Linn warmed up her lunch in the microwave while Emelie related her conversation with Christer. When the food was ready, she sat down opposite Emelie.
“Mum, that’s perfect! The Knut’s party will be fun. And if you start working here, that means you’ll never need to move back to Växjö and work at that shit hotel again.”
Emelie held up her hands.
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. And it wasn’t that bad at the hotel. But if I do get the job here, it means we can stay for a bit longer in any case.”
“So perhaps it’s time to tell everyone about you and Andreas?”
Linn rocked on her chair and grinned at her mother as she chewed a mouthful of microwaved lasagne. Emelie wrinkled her nose.
“Hey, don’t rock back on the chair.”
Even though Emelie knew Linn had picked up on her relationship with Andreas, she could feel herself blushing. But she didn’t have time to say anything before Linn let the chair crash back down so she could lean across the table.
“And that brings me to another thing that I wanted to talk to you about.”
Emelie smiled and was grateful not to have to answer the question about Andreas.
“What’s that, sweetheart?”
Linn lowered her voice.
“Well, when the baby comes, Oskar and I would like to live together. And we thought that if Andreas moves in with you, Oskar and I can live in his cottage.”
Linn’s satisfied expression was that of a teenager who thought she’d come up with the best and most obvious solution in the world.
“Well now, I don’t know… Of course I want to help you and Oskar, but Andreas and I barely know each other, and then there’s Liv and Linnea too. It’s by no means certain they’ll want him living with us.”
Linn leapt up angrily and started tidying away her lunch.
“Oh, you just make everything so complicated. We could at least try it, couldn’t we?”
“I’m not making things complicated, I’m just trying to be realistic. Oskar’s parents have a huge house – can’t they help?”
Linn turned and glowered at Emelie.
“So you think that me and my child should live with an old racist?”
Emelie stood and picked up her coat from the back of the chair and began putting it on.
“No, but she’ll get used to it…”
“But Mum!”
Emelie held up her hands.
“OK, OK. But I’m not promising anything, do you hear me? I’ll think about it, and when I’ve done that I will talk to Andreas. I don’t want you doing it – OK?”
“OK,” mumbled Linn, bending over the dishwasher.
Emelie patted her on the back, but Linn shook her hand away.
“My break’s over now. I need to get back to work.”
Linn disappeared through the door, and Emelie collected the groceries she wanted and went home. The pleasant feeling she’d had after deciding to take the job and organise the Knut’s party had completely evaporated. The lump stuck in her chest like a stone all the way home. She really hated arguing with Linn, and reasoning with teenagers wasn’t easy. Linn tended to simplify things that were important and required reflection, like moving in with someone she barely knew.
But when she got home Andreas’ moped was on the drive, and as she went through the gate he opened the door of his cottage. He gave her a hug and a kiss on the lips, and Emelie looked nervously around to make sure no one had seen.
“Oh, that’s good timing!”
He pulled her up the steps.
“Someone cancelled their appointment and we’re off to the clinic in Gothenburg in half an hour.”
Emelie unlocked the door and set down her grocery bags in the hall, looking at him in astonishment.
“What do you mean? What clinic?”
“The fertility clinic, of course! Sussi is sure she’s ovulating, and Stina thinks it’s the right time too, and well… like I say, someone cancelled, so we’re going. Right now.”
He grabbed Emelie’s hands and whirled her around in the hall.
“Today may be the day I become a father, Emelie!”
“Wow! Although you can’t be sure it’ll happen first time,” answered Emelie, regretting her words the instant they were out of her mouth.
She was happy for Andreas’ sake, and it was really good that he was getting the chance to become a father, even though she wouldn’t want to start all over with a baby again herself. But now that it was beginning to become reality, a feeling of emptiness spread through her. He’d have to go through this whole wonderful process without her. It wasn’t that she wanted more children, but all the same… How could they share the future when she couldn’t share this with him? Andreas looked at her with disappointment.
“I thought we wanted this?”
He let go of her, and Emelie straightened her cardigan, which had slipped down from one shoulder.
“Yes. Well, we do! Absolutely! I just have a lot on my plate at the moment, with the Knut’s party and working at the community centre, and Linn wanting to move, and you becoming a father…”
His smile became broader again.
“Have you accepted the job?”
Emelie picked up the grocery bags and went into the kitchen.
“I’ve applied for it and I’m going to be meeting some woman from the council next week, so it’s not definite yet.”
Andreas took hold of her arm and swung her towards himself.
“But you’re staying? You’re staying with me on Sardinön?”
That was exactly what she was afraid of. Things were happening too fast; she had no time to think. The job meant everyone assumed she’d stay. But what if she didn’t? What if the job didn’t suit her? And if she left, it’d all be her fault. Everything was happening so quickly, and whatever she did she risked hurting people she loved. Linn would be disappointed if she didn’t get the guest cottage. But how would Liv and Linnea feel if Andreas moved in? And what about Andreas – did he even want to move in? And did she want his babies in her house? God, she hadn’t even thought about that. Imagine if there were two babies here every other week? She gave a hysterical bark of laughter and began randomly putting the groceries away in the kitchen cabinets.
“Er… you just put the milk in the pantry,” said Andreas.
They were interrupted by a pinging noise from his pocket, and he pulled out his mobile.
“It’s Sussi. We’re going now.”
He kissed her again and then took her face between his hands.
“This might be the best day of my life. I’m going to be a father, and you’re staying with me.” He looked around the kitchen.
“Just think, soon we’ll be living here, you and me and all of our kids.”
He kissed her again, and she couldn’t help but be swept up in his happiness so she kissed him back. Then she pushed him away.
“Perhaps. But you’d better get going now so you don’t miss the egg laying,” she said, and tried to summon up a smile that would reach all the way to her eyes. She wasn’t entirely sure she’d succeeded.
Andreas left, and as soon as the door shut behind him, Emelie sank down onto the nearest kitchen chair with her face in her hands. Her smile was gone, and thoughts darted around in her head like pinballs.