But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.
James 3:8
I first met Jackson when he was seven years old. His mother, Laura, was hoping to enroll him in the newly formed Big Brother/Big Sister program. As administrator of the program, I had the opportunity to interview Jackson and his mother. He certainly fit the profile for our program.
Laura’s husband left her when Jackson was two years old. She recounted multiple instances of abuse, domestic violence, and drug involvement by her husband. Confused in her victimization, she allowed much of the abuse to occur for fear of losing him. It was after Laura received a near-death beating and threats of the same toward Jackson that she finally sought help.
As soon as a restraining order was issued, Jackson’s father left the state. Five years had passed and this young, withdrawn boy had not seen or heard from his father. Laura went back to school and got a job at a local grocery store as an assistant manager. They had only recently moved into the community and were seeking support systems. Laura spotted a newspaper advertisement for our program, and they came to the office to seek out more information.
As was often the case, we had many more requests for Brothers and Sisters than we had adults to fill the spots. But there was something about the way Jackson looked at me with his soft blue eyes. I could only imagine the fear and hurt he had suffered, yet there was an innocence about him. While there were no Big Brothers on the availability list, I knew this young boy had found a place in my heart. I became Jackson’s Big Brother.
Over the next year Jackson and I got together at least once a week. We went fishing, played catch, took drives, rode bikes and generally enjoyed one another’s company. It did not take long to see a gaping hole in his emotional framework. He regularly made negative comments about himself. “I’m stupid,” “I hate myself,” and “I wish I were dead” were common remarks. Having come from a home where my parents spoke love and encouragement, I found these declarations to be foreign. Why would someone say such things about himself? I did not understand.
What I did understand was that Jackson needed truth spoken to him. He needed someone to begin to break through his wall of self-protection. His feelings and fear of abandonment made it difficult to get close to him emotionally. It became my mission to destroy the “old tapes” within his mind and replace them with new thought processes. Each week I encouraged him, told him how smart he was and worked to build his self-esteem. For a long time it seemed to have little impact. Then, after six to seven months of pouring truth into his life, I saw a glimmer of hope.
Jackson turned to me one day and said, “Mike, my teacher says that I am really smart. Do you think I am?” For months I had been telling him this, so I knew he was expecting an affirmative answer. I realized, though, that what I thought was not nearly as critical as what he thought about himself. I responded in a way that surprised him. “Jackson,” I said, “what do you think?”
He looked at me a bit suspiciously. Then he said, “I think I’m pretty smart, when I want to be.” Hallelujah! A positive comment! I could hardly contain my joy. A kind word from a teacher, a word of encouragement from a friend, a statement of hope from a parent can give new life to a child’s dreams.
We simply do not comprehend the power that our words have. Even thoughtless words that have no evil intent can have great power. When my son Jason was in the sixth grade, he was undergoing testing to determine learning styles. His teacher innocently, but ignorantly, told him that his aptitude was not in math. According to the test results, unless his teachers used special techniques, Jason would not do well in math. As parents and educators, my wife and I found that interesting since our son had never had problems with math before. We shrugged off the test results and the comments by the teacher.
Suddenly, though, Jason began to struggle in math. From that year on he found it a difficult subject, one that required extra hard work. Through high school and college, from pre-algebra to calculus, Jason battled a mental block concerning his ability to perform in standard ways without the help of special activities. If one comment by one person who had not intended to be demeaning could have such long-term ramifications, how devastating are intentional words of pain and cruelty? They are hard to overcome, but with enough encouragement and love it can happen.
For my Little Brother, Jackson, the positive approach of his teacher was just the beginning of his transformation. After a year or so Laura was transferred to another town and given a managerial position. Many tears were shed (not all by Jackson) as we prepared for their move. But before me stood an eight-year-old boy who had gained enough confidence to believe that he was going to make it in life. We exchanged letters regularly for the next few months, but after a year or two I lost contact with him. As I recall my experience with Jackson, I am amazed by the power of words to heal. God replaced Jackson’s old patterns of self-hate and discouragement with love and hope.
Though Jesus’ methods varied depending upon the situation and the people He was addressing, His words were intended for freedom, release, restoration, and reconciliation. He spoke words of challenging truth to the Pharisees and religious leaders. He spoke words of enlightenment to the centurion, Nicodemus, and Zacchaeus. He spoke words of deliverance to the thief on the cross, the leprous man, and many who were demonized. He spoke words of healing to the Syrophoenician woman, to Mary Magdalene, to the woman at the well. What words do you speak to people? Are you an instrument of inspiration or a tool of torture? Do you build up or tear down? Is it easier to attack or to protect a person? Is your first reaction to get revenge or to restore a relationship? Do you bless or curse those around you?
Joseph’s Words of Release
Patience and gentle talk can convince a ruler and overcome any problem.
Proverbs 25:15 CEV
There was a young man who was mocked by his family, laughed at, dealt with harshly, and eventually totally rejected by those he loved. Yet later in life, when given an opportunity for revenge, he spoke words of kindness, healing, and love to those who had wronged him. Let’s look closer at the story of Joseph, found in Genesis 37–50.
Joseph was one of the sons of Jacob. Because Joseph was born late in Jacob’s life, his father had a special affection for him. When Joseph was seventeen years old, he was given prophetic dreams from God. In them, he saw his older brothers, his father, and his mother bowing down to him. When he told his family of his dreams, they were offended at the audacity of this boy to suggest he would be their leader. So incensed were his brothers by this “revelation” of his impending lordship over them, as well as by the favoritism shown Joseph by their father, they plotted to rid themselves of this troublesome boy. The motivation of the brothers could have been fear, jealousy, or even the fact that they themselves, down deep, witnessed to the truth of the prophetic dreams.
They cast Joseph into a pit and eventually sold him into slavery. Imagine . . . seventeen years old, rejected by your family, sold into slavery and forced to survive in a foreign country. Joseph’s temptation toward anger and bitterness must have been great. I wonder how many nights, while traveling on the road to Egypt, Joseph replayed the scene of his brothers’ betrayal? But Joseph refused to succumb to feelings of isolation; he must have held on to the fact that God remained with him. Potiphar, the captain of the guard in Pharaoh’s court, saw something special in Joseph. He bought him from the slave traders and showed him favor.
Soon, however, betrayal was again close at hand. Potiphar’s wife desired to be intimate with Joseph, but he refused to dishonor his master or his master’s wife. Enraged by this rejection, Potiphar’s wife claimed that Joseph had attacked her and tried to rape her. Joseph was immediately arrested and thrown into the dungeon. Again Joseph had an opportunity for bitterness.
Yet even in the dungeons the anointing of God was again seen on Joseph, and he was given the responsibility of overseeing all the prisoners. The baker and the butler of the court had fallen into disfavor with Pharaoh and were condemned to prison. While in the dungeons of the king, they had dreams and were looking for an interpretation. Joseph, through godly insight, gave them the interpretation, asking only to be remembered if they were released from prison. Indeed, the chief butler was soon restored to his position, but he quickly forgot his promise to remember Joseph.
Think about it. Joseph had numerous times of hurt and disappointment. He had ample reason to be offended and to spread evil reports about his brothers, Potiphar, and the butler. Yet during all the accounts of Joseph, we read only of a faithful man. I believe it is safe to say that if he had allowed anger, frustration, or bitterness to rule his spirit, he would not have maintained God’s anointing.
As is often the way of God with those who are faithful to Him, Joseph was given an opportunity to speak truth to a person of great influence: Pharaoh himself. Joseph was asked to interpret his dreams, and as he did so, Pharaoh saw the authority of God on his life.
And Pharaoh said to his servants, “Can we find such a one as this, a man in whom is the Spirit of God?” Then Pharaoh said to Joseph, “Inasmuch as God has shown you all this, there is no one as discerning and wise as you. You shall be over my house and all my people shall be ruled according to your word; only in regard to the throne will I be greater than you.”
Genesis 41:38–40
Joseph was now a man of power. The lonely, isolated, rejected boy had risen to a position of influence and authority. Yet in the back of his mind he still remembered his family. He secretly longed for the opportunity to see them, to speak to them. But the plan of God is always miraculous and beyond our understanding.
During this time there was a famine in the land. Through godly insight, Joseph had, for many years, been storing food so the people of the region would survive the years of famine. His brothers went to Egypt to obtain food for the family. Joseph recognized his brothers, but he had changed so much they did not know him.
Genesis 45 is the powerful account of Joseph’s revealing his true identity to his family. Here was the moment for revenge. The opportunity to get back at the brothers for their treachery was now at hand. Joseph could finally exact retribution for the years of suffering and betrayal. However, in one glorious moment, with one powerful statement, Joseph spoke healing words upon his family and attempted to put to death forever the bondage of guilt within his brothers: “Do not therefore be grieved or angry with yourselves because you sold me here; for God sent me before you to preserve life. . . . So it was not you who sent me here, but God” (Genesis 45:5, 8). Though Joseph tried to impart freedom to his brothers, the chains of fear held them tightly.
Let me mention here that it is important to continue to speak assurance to people during times of fear and uncertainty. In order to heal with words, we must be willing to be persistent with them. Jesus frequently verbalized His love for His disciples. Once is not enough! Encouragement, praise, and positive words continue to feed the soul in the same way water moistens the soil. Soil will eventually dry out and need another dose of fresh water.
As a husband, I have learned the importance of verbally stating “I love you” to my wife. Early in our marriage I thought to myself, I told her I loved her yesterday. I told her last week. I told her the day we were married. Why does she want me to say those words so often? While my love and faithfulness for my wife were not in doubt, some of her previous experiences had opened doors of pain and fear. In order to break those chains of despair, I needed to be consistent in speaking truth to her. Over the years, my words of love have been instrumental in God’s process of healing in her.
Thus it was with Joseph. The day came that his father, Jacob, died and his brothers were left with a sense of fear and dread. “What if he now wants to kill us?” “Did he only keep us alive because of our father?” Again Joseph spoke healing, compassionate words to his brothers—words that finally released them from bondage.
“Do not be afraid, for am I in the place of God? But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive. Now therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones.” And he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.
Genesis 50:19–21
With these words, peace washed over their hearts. Joseph was a man who used his words to heal his brothers.
God’s Words of Encouragement
The story of Joseph is one biblical example of many in which words were used to bring freedom and healing. I want to give two other examples. In these instances it was God who did the speaking. He looked past flaws and called forth true character. Let’s look briefly at the words God spoke to Gideon and Moses.
Gideon was threshing wheat in a winepress in order to hide it from the marauding Midianites. While this may have been a smart thing to do, it was an unusual place to find the next judge of Israel. “And the Angel of the LORD appeared to him, and said to him, ‘The LORD is with you, you mighty man of valor!’” (Judges 6:12). Does it seem odd to you that the Angel called a man hiding in a winepress “a mighty man of valor”? Gideon’s reaction might seem odder still: Gideon began arguing with the Angel of the Lord. Let’s think about this! We have here not the sweetly smiling television show variety of angel. This was the Angel of the Lord and Gideon argued, disagreed, and generally complained about the way God was treating the Israelites.
Upon Gideon’s completion of his monologue of whines and complaints, we see an astonishing transition. Gideon had been talking with the Angel about the Lord’s dealings with Israel, but now we read that “the LORD turned to him.” From this point on Gideon addressed the Lord directly, though still complaining. And amazingly, the Lord spoke words of encouragement to him: “Go in this might of yours, and you shall save Israel from the hand of the Midianites. Have I not sent you?” (Judges 6:14). Although Gideon had questioned the plans of God and called himself the least in his father’s house, the Lord was faithful to speak words of healing and strength to Gideon’s purpose and destiny in life.
This was the same pattern when Moses was confronted by the image of God in the burning bush. God spoke clearly to Moses with words of direction and hope, but Moses responded with doubt, disbelief, and discouragement. “But suppose they will not believe me or listen to my voice; suppose they say ‘The LORD has not appeared to you’” (Exodus 4:1). “O my LORD, I am not eloquent, neither before nor since You have spoken to Your servant; but I am slow of speech and slow of tongue” (Exodus 4:10). “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh, and that I should bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?” (Exodus 3:11). While we often see ourselves as inept and unable, God sees beyond our excuses and into the realm of possibilities in Him, and He speaks the words that will encourage and direct us.
Our Choices of Words
I have heard it said that for every negative word we speak toward a person, it takes up to ten positive words to counteract those previous words. While never testing this scientifically, I experienced it in a way that I have never forgotten. It was after I spoke at a seminar with more than a hundred participants. They were asked to complete an evaluation of the seminar and a compilation of the comments was sent to me. As my wife and I began to go through the evaluations, we found them overwhelmingly positive. One of them, however, was not. The participant found my presentation less than inspiring, containing “basic information and lacking in a theoretical framework.”
After we read through all of the comments, Joyce was cheery and excited. I, on the other hand, felt discouraged and lackluster. As we talked further, it became apparent that one evaluation had taken center stage to all the others. The negative feedback of one review had effectively crushed the encouragement of more than one hundred people. What a lesson in the power of negative words! I still take all feedback, positive or negative, very seriously, but I no longer give a greater weight to the critic than I do the encourager.
Great people of God find a way to speak hope into others. They give a sense of purpose, of calling, of future, of destiny to those around them. From Moses to Daniel, from Abraham Lincoln to Martin Luther King Jr., each spoke words that brought change to many lives. Winston Churchill spoke words of promise over his country. Adolf Hitler spoke words of pain and death over his. Abraham instilled hope and future blessings over his children. King Saul spoke curses and hatred over his. The challenge before each of us is whether we will build a life with words of healing or destroy a life with words of criticism.
God wants to build up. Negative words tear down. As Christians we are called to share with others about Christ’s message of love. Let’s watch our words carefully, but more important, let’s all begin to speak active words of healing.
Examining the Heart