4 map your goals
No matter what your goals are, your chances of success will be far higher if you’re prepared for the work it takes to achieve them. That includes having a true picture of where you are now, where you want to end up, and the road between the two points. You’ve probably read a lot of diet books that list what you can and can’t eat, give you a meal plan, and tell you to get started. Good luck. But this isn’t one of those lame books. Hell no. This book is for keeps, and what you learn are skills that will last you a lifetime, not just a couple of months. Before we get into the practical work—the science of food and how to eat for health and satisfaction—we need to lay some groundwork.
When I was learning to drive, I had an instructor who was a bit weird, but he did end up teaching me two very important things:
- How to drive reasonably well (though my husband might disagree).
- Not to accelerate into a place that you can’t see, like around a corner.
A lot of people want to make changes to their eating and lifestyle habits, but they just grab a couple of goals out of thin air and hit the accelerator without mapping out a route. In other words, they haven’t taken into consideration their current lifestyle, their wants and needs, their likes and dislikes, and their priorities to determine how their goals fit into their daily life. In a short time, they’re whipping around the bend, full speed ahead, toward a crash that puts them right back where they were before they stepped into the car. Except maybe more physically and emotionally banged up. That, too.
How we eat and the food choices we make ripple out to all the corners of our life: our relationships, our kids, our work, and our finances. That means that the way we eat needs to fit with our lifestyle, but many people do the opposite and build their life around their diet instead. They hear about a new diet that sounds amazing and jump right into it without considering if it’s consistent with their values or how it will affect them and the people around them. If the way you eat doesn’t fit your lifestyle, it’s going to be a miserable time. And just as important, you’ll never be able to sustain it.
This impulsive decision making can result in diet flip-flopping forever. Go on a diet for a little while, realize that it’s not a good fit, go off that diet. Jump onto another diet, realize it’s not a good fit, go off that diet. Repeat X years of your life. Sound familiar?
If you’re going to make lasting, meaningful change, you need to do an assessment first. It’s like a business plan: You list your current situation, the cost benefit of your goal, how you’re going to achieve it, and how you’re going to maintain it. Basically, I want you to set clear, achievable goals for yourself and visualize how you’re going to meet them.
MAKE THE DESTINATION SPECIFIC
Let’s start at the end. What are your goals? What do you want to achieve and why? Be specific.
You may have picked up this book because you want to lose weight. Or, you might be curious about nutrition. Or, you might want to eat a more nourishing diet. Whatever your reasons, we need to take a closer look at them. It’s easy to say, “I’m reading this book because I want to lose forty pounds,” but what exactly do you want to achieve by doing that?
I want you not to set an actual weight-number goal (this isn’t a diet book, remember), but instead to focus on what reaching your goals will bring you emotionally and physically. For example, you’ll be physically stronger and able to be more active with your kids. You’ll have a better relationship with food, which will decrease your anxiety around eating. You’ll be less confused about what to eat, and more organized and prepared for meals. You’ll optimize your nutrition so you have more energy. You’ll lose the urge to diet and be able to enjoy food without guilt or shame. You’ll achieve a comfortable weight so you can enjoy life while still eating a variety of nourishing foods.
Instead of “I want to lose weight,” your goal might now be, “I want to lose weight to help me feel more comfortable and be more mobile.”
Doing this sort of work will help you break down your goal so you can visualize what your life will be like once you’ve achieved it. Setting a nebulous goal like “I want to lose weight” is too abstract, but being specific and descriptive forces you to really consider what you want and what it looks like.
One thing I want to caution against is setting specific number goals like “I want to lose ten pounds” or, “I am giving myself three months to lose weight.” This isn’t because I don’t think any of that will happen. It very well might, but number goals are a diet culture trap.
A lot of fad diets tell people that they can lose X number of pounds in X time, but these number goals assume that we know exactly how our bodies are going to react to the changes we make, and in reality, we don’t. You might lose seven pounds and feel good there. Or, losing weight might take longer than you expect. I don’t have a crystal ball, and neither do you. Choosing specific number goals sets expectations that we don’t know if you will be able to meet.
Remember, you’re going for your comfortable weight, which means you can sustain it without a lot of hassle. It’s a weight you maintain by making nourishing food choices most of the time but occasionally going out with your friends for steak frites or an ice cream sundae. It’s not feeling like you have to punish yourself for what you’ve eaten.
MAKE THE DESTINATION YOURS
Are you setting this goal for you or for someone else?
Sometimes, we set goals for other people. For example, we want to fit into our high school jeans before the reunion because we want people to think we look good. Or, your mom told you that you’re getting too heavy. Or, the all-too-common, “Diet culture said I’m fat so I guess I should lose weight, even though I feel good about myself.” It’s great to want to eat a more nourishing diet and most of us can make some tweaks, but embarking on a weight-loss journey because someone else wants you to is not okay. Not only does this cause major resentment toward that person (if their comments haven’t done that already) and yourself, it makes any changes more difficult to sustain because they’re not something you’re really invested in for yourself.
Whatever your goal is, you need to do it for you. No matter what your size is, if you like the way you look, then everyone else can piss off. People who look at you funny or make ugly comments about your weight are projecting their shit onto you. Don’t let them get away with it by submitting to their shaming.
MAKE THE DESTINATION REALISTIC
What expectations do you have around your goal? Are they realistic?
If you’re expecting the ever-elusive “life transformation” that so many fad diets promise, I hate to break it to you, but that’s not going to happen. Sure, if you change your eating behaviors and your relationship with food, your life will probably be better in a lot of ways. But you’re still going to be the same person, with the same dust bunnies behind your bathroom door and the same boss you’d like to strangle. That shit’s not going to change because of what you eat and how you feel about food. Remember, we talked about this in our negative core belief examples in Chapter 2.
It’s important to be flexible with your expectations. Maybe you want everything to happen quickly. We’re so conditioned to expect everything immediately—even I get itchy when a web page takes more than three seconds to load—but we need to learn to slow down. So, if you’re looking to lose weight or make changes to your eating habits, don’t give your body a deadline. That just sets you up for failure if you don’t make the deadline. Remember, it’s the emotional and physical gains that are important, not losing a certain amount of weight by a certain day or changing your habits overnight. Do it right, and let it take as long as it takes.
Changing your relationship with food is a process that takes time. A lot of us have grand expectations that when we change something, that change will be immediate and solid as a rock. But life isn’t like that, and depending on the complexity of your relationship with food and your body, change can be tenuous at first. It needs to be nurtured and reinforced, supported, and repeated.
Some days, you’ll feel good. You’ll be cruising along with all of the new things we’re learning here and you’ll feel as though you’re on the right track. But it’s not always going to be that way. Some days, or weeks, will be like climbing a mountain. Life will hit you like a ton of bricks or you’ll be triggered by something emotional, and you’ll sink back into your old habits. But each time that happens, you won’t sink as deep as the last until eventually, you’ll bounce right up and dust yourself off.
Whatever your goals are, you need to be patient and flexible. Because they might happen just as you want them to, but they might not. If they do, I’m assuming you’d be stoked. If they don’t, you should be willing to take a second look at your original goals and rework them to something that’s still positive but more realistic. This doesn’t constitute a failure. It doesn’t mean you’re weak or not disciplined; it just means that the goals you set didn’t work for you.
Sometimes when we set goals, we over- or undershoot, so we need to be able to readjust and refocus. No biggie. Could you imagine a goal that’s on a smaller scale than the one you’ve set? Write that goal down and keep yourself open to accommodating any twists and turns this road might take.
GET A GPS (AND A BACKUP MAP)
In other words, do you have support to help you along the way?
This is a big one. Embarking on a road trip without a GPS or even a map can be tough and it’s the same with your journey toward your goal, whether that’s eating more healthily or losing weight. Of course, you can do it on your own, but having people rallying around you, ready to offer a helping hand—like a map reader—makes the process smoother. Don’t be afraid to enlist support.
For example, you might need someone to watch your kids so you can take that exercise class. Or, you might want to do a nourishing lunch exchange with some of your colleagues instead of going out to a restaurant. Having your family on board is especially good, since when you make changes to your eating habits, it’s easier—and more sustainable—to make them to everyone’s. I’ve counseled people whose significant other wasn’t on board with their changes, and it was really hard on them. These people ended up finding support elsewhere.
Sometimes, that support comes in the form of a professional other than me. If you have a psychologist, psychiatrist, or counselor, they should know about the changes you’re making. If there’s somebody who has been helping you with your negative core beliefs, they’ll be well versed in your story and can help you with emotional barriers or anything that might bubble up when you’re on this journey. If you find that you’re continually getting stuck with your eating and you believe that it’s because of something emotional, I can’t stress enough the importance of seeing a therapist. I can help you with food, but this book isn’t a replacement for therapy.
So, who will your supports be? It’s time to rally the troops and find your map readers!
LOOK UNDER THE HOOD
How would you describe your current diet?
You can’t know where you’re going and how you’re going to get there unless you look at what exactly is happening right now in your life. Many clients tell me that they’re comfortable with their current diet, but they think they need some tweaks. Others say they eat too much candy or fast food. Whatever you think of your current diet, I want you to make a list of the things you’d like to change. Maybe you want to eat more vegetables or start cooking more for yourself. Be gentle with yourself. You might be used to slashing stuff out of your diet, but that’s not what this is about.
Aside from your goals, enjoying life is the object of the game. Do you really want to live in a world where you can’t eat the foods you love ever again? I’ll answer that for you. No, you don’t. This isn’t a diet book, and I don’t operate from a place of absolutes. Remember: A nourishing diet involves all types of foods and is nourishing both physically and emotionally. I’m not going to tell you to cut out all the stuff you love. That’s what diet culture does, and it tells us that the joy and meaning in our lives come down to one thing: thinness. So wrong.
You’re reading this book for a reason, which means you probably want to change your diet in some fashion to achieve those goals we just set, so while I’m not going to remove anything from your diet, I will be asking you to make some changes as we move through the book together. Those might be to eat more of one food and less of another. You’ll probably be eating the same volume of food, but maybe not all of the same types. At least, not as often.
Now that you’ve outlined your current diet and the things you want to change, the next step in your road map is to write down the things that are negotiable and the things that are nonnegotiable. Some people refuse to adjust the sugar or cream in their coffee. Others don’t want to give up that glass of wine they enjoy a couple times a week. That’s okay! We all have things we don’t want to change. As long as you’re open to making other changes to your eating habits and you’re realistic—saying you want to drink a bottle of wine every night is not realistic—we can work around the nonnegotiables.
Your negotiables and nonnegotiables might change over time, but having a list of them will help you focus in on which changes you want to make.
KEEP A SPARE TIRE
What are the potential barriers and setbacks?
Okay, so you’ve made changes that are consistent with your values and are doable, flexible, and substantial enough that you can maintain them no matter what. Great work. But shit happens. You go through a breakup. You go on a work trip that includes rich, indulgent networking dinners every night. Even with the best-laid plans and the most thought-out goals, there will be setbacks.
In the past, you may have let flat tires, breakdowns, and rough terrain throw you off course, but I don’t want that to happen here. While some mishaps will be unavoidable—that’s life—others can be avoided or at least blunted if you anticipate and prepare for them. This is an essential part of making long-term change. I want to set you up for success so you can manage whatever comes your way.
As we walk through the different kinds of barriers described below, think about which ones might be potential setbacks on your journey toward your goal and how you might prepare for them. Some of what we consider to be setbacks might be better called learning experiences. Read on.
GEOGRAPHICAL BARRIERS
A lot of barriers are geographical. For example, you’re away from home in a place where you don’t have a lot of choice about what you eat, whether that’s on vacation or a business trip or at someone else’s house for dinner. These situations can be a very real source of anxiety for people who are trying to heal a relationship with food and change their eating habits.
How do you manage this potential barrier? First, realize that you can’t control everything. That’s the way life goes. But nothing bad is going to happen if you eat a little differently than you normally would. So go ahead and make peace with the fact that sometimes you’re going to overeat. You shouldn’t be feeling stuffed every day, but sometimes eating to an 8 or 9 or even 10 on the fullness scale is going to happen. That’s human nature and everyone does it. Not a big deal; just move on and go back to your normal eating habits after.
Remember, experiences are what make our lives great and some of these involve food. If you’re on vacation in Italy, it would be scandalous to spend your entire trip trying to avoid the local food. Pasta? Of course! Gelato? Definitely. Instead of dancing around trying to find something healthier, enjoy the satisfaction of eating delicious food. Think about the nourishment and pleasure you’ll derive from the foods you’re trying, the places you’re going, the company you’re with. When you’re over at someone else’s house for dinner, go with it. Build memories, not useless, counterproductive food guilt that does nobody any good, ever. Stressing out over a meal or five is not worth it, on vacation or otherwise.
Here are some tips for eating well and enjoying your food when you’re away from home:
Choose vegetables first and protein second.
When you’re at a structured meal—one that you intend on having and sit down to enjoy versus something on the fly—go for vegetables and protein if you can. Of course, if you’re in Texas and your meal is a big plate of barbecue, that’s okay! The next time you get to sit down to a meal where you can order a salad or vegetables, try to do so. If you’re at a business dinner and you want the steak, but feel like the shrimp cocktail would be healthier, have a small steak and load the rest of the plate with vegetables. This combination will fill you up and help satisfy you. If you want to add a baked potato, go ahead.
Be aware of your hunger.
If you’re satisfied after your steak or your pasta, then maybe you don’t order dessert. If you encounter a gelato place that looks amazing and you’re full, maybe you go back another time or eat some—or all—of a small cup, and get over it.
Stay somewhere with a working minibar fridge or a kitchen.
This is one way to keep a bit of normalcy in your schedule because it gives you the ability to make some of your own meals. When I travel with my family for more than a week or so, we try to get a suite with a kitchen because the thought of being stuck in a hotel room with no snacks is just too much for us to bear. Is that wrong? I also love checking out supermarkets in different cities. The first thing I do is I hit the closest supermarket or drugstore that has a food section and I load my basket with a small cut-vegetable tray or a bag of baby carrots, a couple pieces of fruit, some nuts, oatmeal cups that I can make with boiling water, tons of yogurt, and whatever else I can find. If we have a kitchen, I buy breakfast and snack foods like the ones above, plus a loaf of bread, butter, salad greens, tuna, oatmeal, anything else the kids want, like chips, and beer for my husband. This gives us some options for meals so we aren’t forced to eat in restaurants for three meals a day.
Stay active.
When you’re on vacation, walk around as much as you can and try active site-specific fun like snorkeling, hiking, skiing, or anything else you enjoy. If you’re away on business, choose a hotel with a lap pool or gym, or hit a spin class in that city, if your schedule allows. That being said, don’t stress yourself out trying to be active, if what you need is to plant your ass on a lounge chair and chill the heck out. Coming back from a vacation more stressed out than you were when you went is not the goal.
Pack snacks.
Whether you’re on vacation or just have a long commute, it’s easy to find yourself stuck in transit—plane, car, bus—totally hangry. Try to have a snack before you leave or bring one with you to stave off hunger so that when you arrive at your destination, you’re not so ravenous that you hoover the entire kitchen or overeat at your next meal.
ENVIRONMENTAL BARRIERS
There are also regular environmental barriers like a workplace that prioritizes food and/or booze. Sometimes it can feel like there’s food everywhere, especially when a box of chocolates is literally staring at you from every flat surface in the office. Remember, repeatedly denying yourself something that you crave can only lead to stronger cravings. But if you’re confronted by food at every turn, it can be a barrier to make positive changes to your diet. The trick? Choose your battles. Or should I say, your cookies.
For example, Christmas might mean there’s food all over the place at your job. Do you eat it all every single day that it’s there? Nope. Do you eat some of the stuff that you love and can’t always get? Damn straight you do. And you don’t feel one bit of guilt about it. Screw that! While you’re eating, keep tabs on your hunger as well as your satisfaction. Will one cookie do the trick? Great. Do you need two to feel satisfied? That’s fine, too.
In a workplace that has a food and booze culture, as so many do these days, you’ll have to learn how to say no. Choose the events you reeeeally want to go to and bail on the ones you can live without. So, Thirsty Thursday might be a yes, and that impromptu meetup for drinks after work on Friday will be an “I’m washing my hair” sort of thing. I know it’s tough when peer pressure is working against you, and it’s important to be social, but trust me: You’re probably not missing much when you decline yet another invite.
If you’re going to make changes, you’re going to need to prioritize these things. It’s the same with food at work. Maybe you go out for lunch once or twice, and bring your lunch the rest of the time. Or, you go to the break room to celebrate someone’s birthday, but you don’t always have a piece of cake. Especially when it’s the kind of cake that you don’t even like.
EMOTIONAL BARRIERS
Some barriers are emotional. Sometimes, life throws uncomfortable situations at us that make us want to eat. You know what I’m talking about. Your boss gives you a ton of work to do… due tomorrow. Your girlfriend breaks up with you. Someone insults your weight or appearance. You fight with your mother-in-law.
I could list a million other examples, but you get the point. While we all have different tolerance levels, some of these scenarios can drive us to eat emotionally. Like I said earlier, this is a normal part of being human.
The problem is that when we use food as a coping mechanism, we weaponize it. Weaponizing food means using it against yourself, as in, “My boyfriend broke up with me, so I’m going to eat these two pints of ice cream to make myself feel better.” You can also weaponize food to use against others, such as, “My aunt called me fat in front of everyone at the dinner table, so I’m going to eat twice as much now to show her that I don’t give a shit about her opinions.” Either option does you absolutely no good, and in the long run, you’re more likely to feel worse than better, especially if you take it too far by overeating for an extended period of time, and you do not deserve to be punished for what somebody else does to you.
Instead of using food as a weapon, try to find other outlets for your emotions. Journaling. Activity. Movies. Something artistic. Speaking to a friend or therapist. Treating yourself with the love and respect you deserve.
HABITUAL BARRIERS
And lastly, barriers can be habitual. For example, going out to restaurants, ordering takeout, and eating prepared food instead of making your own meals. You can anticipate and manage all the barriers above, but you’re just not used to doing that. Your habits are more of the Uber Eats sort of thing. But if you don’t make time to prepare your own food consistently, you won’t be able to properly nourish your body physically and emotionally, which is key to reaching whatever your goal is.
I get it. You don’t feel like going all Martha Stewart. All that grocery shopping, prepping, freezing, ahhhh! It’s easier just to order in from a restaurant. And yes, sometimes it is. But the truth is, relying on restaurant or prepared foods can be a real barrier to establishing better food habits. This is because you have zero control over what restaurants put into your food, so it’s usually less nourishing than what you’d otherwise make for yourself. Portions from restaurants also tend to be larger, which may lead to you eating more out of visual hunger and the feeling of not wanting to waste what you’ve paid for.
If you have a family, preparing your own meals sets a great example for your kids and teaches them essential life skills like shopping and cooking. And let’s face it: Prepared food is expensive. Think about what you could do with the money you save by cooking your own meals. Hello, Hawaii!
I hate to use absolutes with you, but I have to here. If you’re going to successfully change your diet, you’ve got to make this one a priority. Don’t worry—the key is to start small. Remember, big changes won’t stick with your lifestyle, so we need to take baby steps. Here are some tips and tricks to help you:
- If you buy your lunch every day, try packing your lunch once or twice a week.
- If you normally grocery shop once every two weeks, set aside time each weekend to shop for the week. Do this every week.
- Never shop hungry.
- Make a list and consider your schedule for the upcoming week before you shop.
- After you do your shopping, batch-cook—we’ll get into this in Chapter 9 on high-value eating.
The goal here is that you have readily available food that is delicious and nourishing so that when hunger strikes, you reach for these satisfying meals instead of the takeout menu.
Other barriers will pop up in the course of your life, but overcoming these hurdles here can be used to help you overcome those situations too. The key is to being prepared. So, are there any other potential barriers you foresee on your journey? How will you manage them when they arise? Write this all down.
So far, you’ve challenged your negative core beliefs and found your hunger cues (or at least, you know how to). You’ve learned about normal eating and the difference between being full and being satisfied. You’re starting to get in touch with a new way of thinking not only about what you eat but what triggers your eating response. And now you’ve mapped out the road ahead, including all those pesky pitfalls waiting around the corners, so that your lifestyle works with your desired changes. For all of this, and for sticking with this journey, I want to congratulate you! YESSSS! Great job!
You’re making progress, and you’ve truly laid a lot of the groundwork for a healthier relationship with food and eating. Now that you’re on the right path, it’s time to learn the basics of food. First stop? Carbs. Let’s go.