Lizzie dropped Becca off in front of the store and pulled away, leaving her staring after the deputy’s car for a long couple of minutes. Then Becca shook herself back to reality and went inside. Pete was working the register and Shelly was with a customer in the electrical aisle, and for an instant, the glorious calm ordinariness of Peterson’s Hardware was nearly enough to make Becca burst into tears.
But crying wasn’t going to fix anything. She glanced at the clock and tried to guess how many hours they had left until moonrise. Which was silly since she had an app on her phone that could tell her that immediately, not to mention a wolf in the back of her mind who could tell her with even greater accuracy. But there was something about clock watching that was more comforting, safer, as if she could cope better with the movement of the hands on the dial than the cold digital calculations or the fierceness of her other self.
But this couldn’t go on forever, not if she didn’t want to find herself unemployed. She forced herself to look away and headed over to Pete. “Want me to take over the counter for a while?”
He looked up and stared at her, his expression distant as if he wasn’t really seeing her. For a moment, she felt like she was some sort of weird critter that had wandered into the store. Pete’s blue eyes were full of worry and some other things she couldn’t read. Then his expression shifted to blandly reassuring. He even smiled, though it didn’t look all that real to Becca. “I’m sure it will all be okay, Becca. How about you finish the hardware inventory? I’m waiting on some calls about orders.”
Becca slunk off to count nails and stay out of the way for a few hours. After the first hour, she realized it was the perfect task for her, since she could fret and worry to her heart’s content and still count as long she updated her little crosshatches every ten items. Next to that, she started a list of everything that could have happened to Erin. It covered everything from catastrophic injury to government cover-up to alien abduction, then looped back again. For variety, she let her fears take a new direction and worried that Pete and Shelly would let her go because she brought too much drama to the store.
“That’s very comprehensive. Especially the last one.” Shelly’s voice over her shoulder made her jump and lose count. “Sorry. I should have realized that you were absorbed. I’m not sure we can completely rule out any of those, if it makes you feel better.” She gestured at Becca’s list and settled into a crouch at her side. “Except for firing you for being a drama queen. I think we can rule that off the list, at least for the time being.” She gave Becca a small smile.
Becca grimaced and pushed the nails back into the plastic container again so she could recount them. “It doesn’t. Well, except for the last part. I want to be able to rule out the wackier stuff, but living here, I just can’t. There was something about Leroy’s body at the morgue, some weird smell that I recognized, but for the life of me I can’t remember what it was. And I’m sure it’s a clue.”
“Hmmm…clue to what, though? Did it smell like a person? Or a place?” Shelly cocked her head to one side, the wolf looking out of her eyes with a golden glow.
Becca could feel her own wolf surge inside in response. She was thinking about this like a human would, a human without a wolf inside her with a better memory for scents than she could ever have. She smacked her hand against her forehead. “I’m an idiot. I need to let the wolf do this part.”
Shelly frowned. “Well, yes. But you are your wolf and your wolf is you, it’s not some alternate personality thing that happens once a month or so. But that aside, that part of you is going to organize and remember scents a lot better than Becca Thornton.”
“Okay, I’m on board. How do I go about doing that? I’m pretty sure I’m not up for changing right now.”
“Good. Things would be pretty unstable if you could do it that easily. The easiest thing to do is to retrace your steps, only let your wolf guide you, instead of depending on your memory alone.”
“Sort of like that meditation thing you and Erin were trying to get me to experiment with a few weeks back?” Becca frowned, trying to follow what Shelly wanted her to do. Where had she been in the last couple of days? House, hardware store, Shelly and Pete’s house, jail, morgue and the town streets in between. That about summed up her life right now. Had she met anyone new?
That was harder. There were the store customers and people on the street when she walked Clyde and the techs at the morgue and the lawyer and the Circle and who knew how many others? It would be easier to think about each place first. She stared down at the box of screws that she was holding. “What about inventory?” she asked, worried that she sounded like an eight-year-old, deprived of the fun of counting screws.
“Kira’s going to be here in twenty minutes. I asked her to come by and help after school in case Lizzie kept you for a while. Don’t worry, it’ll still be here tomorrow. Finish up that box and Molly will go with you to retrace your steps. Two noses are better than one, I always say.” Shelly rose and gave Becca a gentle pat on the shoulder before she walked away.
Becca grimaced at the nails. Possibly at the thought of spending a lot of time with Molly, too, but she was less sure about that than she had been a few months ago. She just didn’t get Molly. And she hadn’t tried as hard as she should have. The unfamiliar words “bi” and “poly” danced through her head. Erin just tossed them around like she’d been using them all her life, leaving Becca to look them up on the internet rather than seem ignorant.
Which she had done, but she still wasn’t sure that she got it. Hopefully, Molly would be okay with a little awkwardness until she figured it out.
Right now, she had more important things to worry about. She rolled her shoulders and her neck to try and get the muscles to loosen up. Then she tried to empty her mind of everything except the scent of nails and metal. If she could practice on these, then maybe she could find something that might lead to Erin.
The thought sent a warm rush of hope and longing through her, stopping just short of turning into a hot flash. She wouldn’t chicken out this time. When she found Erin again, she was going to tell the other woman exactly how she felt. And she wouldn’t be taking no for an answer this time, unless that was how Erin really felt.
Maybe Molly would have some tips. She’d known Erin longer, after all, and she was...all those things that Becca had to look up. She snorted at herself. Molly was Pack, and Molly and her partners had helped rescue her after the slayers had kidnapped her. She didn’t need to know any more than that about the other woman to appreciate whatever help she could offer.
When Molly showed up a half an hour later to pick her up, Becca had managed to restore her thoughts to some semblance of order and logic. She also knew more about the smell of individual nails and the plastic container that held them than she had ever believed possible. Whenever she blinked, she had a vision of Molly and her running through the woods on all fours following the scent of one of Erin’s shirts. When she opened her eyes and looked at the nails again, that seemed like a perfectly reasonable idea.
“Hi,” Molly’s voice cut through her latest round of nail staring. “Shelly says you’re ready for a break.”
Becca looked up and blinked again, letting her wolf brain subside enough to talk. “Hi. As usual, she’s completely right. Let me put these away, then we can get started.” She rose carefully, half expecting her knees to pop and crack, even though she knew that they wouldn’t.
Once the nails were back on their shelf and she had logged their total, she followed Molly up to the desk and handed the clipboard off to Kira. “I’m about a quarter of the way through the nails, if that helps any.” From the teenager’s expression, it didn’t. But she nodded to both of them, took the clipboard and walked over to the shelves with a heavy sigh.
Molly gave Becca a sidelong smile and jerked her head toward the door. “I think by now you’d know if whatever or whoever you smelled was here.”
Becca nodded, a little reluctantly. It had been so frustrating trying to remember the scent this afternoon that she wasn’t really sure that she wanted to keep trying. Except it might be the only way to find Erin. A rush of guilt filled her and she led the way to the front door at a brisk trot. “I think you’re right. Maybe we should start at the house?”
Molly said, “How about we retrace your steps from here to home, then go from there, if nothing else turns up?”
Becca took a deep breath, inhaling the scents of Wolf’s Point’s downtown: car exhaust, perfume, trash, cleaning fluids, humans, pets. How was she supposed to find something in this mess that was more familiar than anything else? She grimaced in frustration and Molly gave her arm a gentle squeeze.
Becca studied her sidelong for a moment. Molly was a good four inches taller than she was and considerably broader and rounder. Her face was wide and freckled and she had a frequent smile that displayed the gap between her front teeth. Her hand on Becca’s sleeve was wide and short-fingered, tanned deep brown from all the years that the other woman had spent outside delivering the mail.
After a moment’s consideration, Becca decided that she liked the comfort of Molly’s touch and smiled up at her. “We’re going to find her by tonight, aren’t we? I can just feel it in my bones.” She forced a cheer she didn’t feel into her tone, then turned and began walking before Molly could say a word in response.
“I guess that tells me how you’re doing. Listen, Becca, we’ll do everything we can. We’ll figure this out. We always do.” Molly’s nostrils flared too as she took in the surrounding scents and the shadow of the wolf gleamed in her eyes.
That was enough to make Becca bite back what she wanted to say: What about the times they hadn’t figured it out? What about Annie and her family? Margaret? But she bit her tongue and didn’t bring any of that up. It wouldn’t help right now.
Instead, she drew a deep, trembling breath and let her wolf rise up, just a bit, and let it have her nose. Her next breath staggered her with a wave of unwanted information and she clutched a parking meter for balance as she fought for control.
Molly held her other arm, letting go once it was obvious that Becca was getting a handle on things. “Learning control was really hard for me the first few times I did it too. Once I start to go wolf, I always want to go all the way.” She gave a snorting little laugh. “Carlos…Carla says that’s how I do everything. Still getting used to that.”
Becca shook her head to clear it, then sucked down another wave of scents. She started walking carefully down the same street that she walked each day, trying to remember if she’d run across anything unusual near any of the shops along the way. “How is Carlos…wait, Carla? And...your other friend? Er...partner.” She could feel her face turn beet-red. That really hadn’t come out the way that she had imagined it would when she was planning that out in her head. And why was Carlos ‘Carla’ all of a sudden? Was it okay to ask?
“Jonas. And they’re both fine, thanks, just recognizing some changes that have been coming for a while. How’s Clyde?” Molly was looking down the street, nostrils flaring as she drank in the breeze. Nothing in her expression suggested that she found the conversation unusual or weird.
“He’s a little freaked out. I left him at Shelly and Pete’s so he’d have some company.” And to make sure I don’t eat him. Becca rolled her eyes at her own uncertainties and followed Molly’s lead, drinking in the gentle breeze that blew down the street toward them. After a long moment of silence, she asked, “So why is Carlos now going by Carla? It’s not any of my business, but I don’t want to be rude or stupid or…something.” She trailed off.
Molly gave her a sidelong glance, as if she was considering whether or not to explain what was going on. Then she stopped and sat down on a nearby bench. She patted the seat beside her and Becca sat down. Molly cleared her throat. “Okay, this is going to take a couple of minutes. Polyamory and trans 101, but just the very short recap because we can talk about it more later and we’ve got important stuff to do. Carla and I are married and Jonas is our partner. This is how we do a polyamorous relationship, but there are lots of other ways to do it too. We talk through all relationship-impacting decisions together and do a lot of negotiating and that’s how we’ve managed to stay together for the last ten years.” She took in a deep breath and poked something in the grass with her shoe. Becca couldn’t tell if she was fidgeting or really looking at something for a few seconds.
Then she continued, “I think Carlos has known for a long time that she was really Carla, but I don’t think she was ready to let the rest of us meet her. Just being able to talk about it and to use a name and a pronoun that feels right to her was a big change. She started taking hormones a few months ago and is looking at surgery. Jonas and I have been doing a lot of reading and going to a support group with her so we can support her. I’m still wrestling with how I feel about some of it and making sure I’ve got her real name and pronouns right, so, because I know you’re a stickler for being polite and you notice things, remind me when I slip up, okay? I haven’t told anyone else yet. Didn’t get a chance to tell Erin.” She sighed deeply and Becca rested a hand on her shoulder and squeezed lightly.
“Erin was wondering about Carlos…Carla when we were over for dinner a few weeks back, so I think she has a notion. She thought that she was getting ready to come out, but Erin wasn’t sure who that new person would be.”
Molly smiled, then choked like she was holding back tears. It was funny, Becca thought. She could turn into a wolf with someone and wake up naked with them and still not know if it was okay to hug them. She reached out carefully and put her arm around Molly’s shoulders.
“I miss her so much too.” Becca choked, then swallowed her tears back down. “And I’ll try. Keep reminding me, too. Carla tried to help me when Annie and her men were holding me, not to mention helping find me in that ditch after I got away from them, so I owe hi—her a couple.” They leaned into each other in companionable silence, like they did when they were wolves, and drank in the air together.
After a few minutes, Molly cleared her throat. “Mind if I ask you something?”
Becca blinked, immediately on edge. But then, it wasn’t as if she could say no, not after what they’d just talked about. “Sure,” she responded, trying to ease the hesitation in her voice.
“Are you and Erin together? Or just roommates?” Molly was giving her a very direct look, brown eyes boring into the side of her skull to read her thoughts. No, wait, that was just the hormones talking.
Becca grimaced and thought for a few moments about how best to answer that. “We’re…kind of together. Only not very? I’ve never been with a woman before and I’m still kind of sorting things out. But I really, really like her. And I think she’s sexy!” Becca felt her face flush. “Or was that TMI? I don’t even know what to call…whatever it is we are. Whatever I am. I don’t know if I’m bisexual or lesbian or what.” She drew in a deep, quavering breath. “But I think bisexual sounds about right. I just hate not knowing the rules.” Once she’d said it, she felt lighter, like all this uncertainty had been weighing on her.
Molly tilted her head, her expression considering. “Well, questioning is always good at this stage. I think you can be someone who likes Erin a lot and is trying to figure out what your relationship will be. I don’t know that it requires a label.” She paused. “Though I would love to have another out bi gal in the Pack, don’t get me wrong. But I don’t think my desire for camaraderie has any bearing on how you should identify.” She chuckled a little.
There was a brief silence as they both figured out what to say next. Then Molly added, “I was around when Erin’s ex dumped her and it frankly sucked for a while. She’s such a great person and a good friend and I want her to be happy.” She must have sensed Becca’s tension because she added, “And I like what I’ve seen of you too. I’m not wanting to butt in, just hoping you two crazy kids sort it out in a way that makes you both happy, okay?”
Becca studied her for a long couple of minutes. “Thank you. Yes, that helps.”
“And you can talk to me about this if you need to.”
“That really helps a lot too.” Becca grinned at her. “Let’s try and find her so I can angst at her in person.” Molly gave her a fist bump and they went back to searching for a trace of Erin on the street around them
Nothing except the ordinary scents of downtown Wolf’s Point came their way at first. Becca could feel her shoulders slump. If she was better at this, maybe they’d have found Erin by now. Unless Erin was on the run outside the valley. Then maybe—she broke up her thoughts with a fierce shake of her head. “Maybe we should get Clyde for this job. Probably be better at it than I am.”
Molly nudged her with one elbow, the gentle contact steadying her. Being with Molly like this reminded her of when she had first changed with the Pack and how scared she’d been until they all laid down together on the floor of the Pack’s cave. The pressure of warm wolves around her, the sense that they were all connected, had been enough to center her then. And now—Becca’s head shot up, her nostrils flaring to gulp the air in. “There! That smells familiar! Coming from over there.” She surged off across the street, Molly at her heels.