She had a ring now. A cheap piece of crap I'd snagged for $29.99 on clearance. A little joke that was the icing on the giant lie-cake I'd baked without realizing. I'd just run into the jewelry store without thinking and grabbed the least expensive ring I could find.
And it fit her perfectly.
The rest of the visit just glanced off of me, barely registering because I was too distracted by the sight of it winking there on her right hand - her right because her left one was caught in the cast. My "proposal" was supposed to be a gag, but the act of slipping it onto her finger made me antsy. Even if Liam hadn't charged me with watching out for her to make sure she took the time needed to recover, I realized I would have charged myself with it. I’d saved her life... and then I’d put a ring on her finger. Gag gift or not, it felt like it meant something. Bit by bit I was making myself responsible for her in ways I wasn't even aware of until after they happened. It felt like the time I'd waded too far out into the creek as a kid. The water was shallow, but moving fast enough that it swept my feet right out from under me. I'd landed flat on my back with the wind knocked out of me, staring up at the sky and wondering what the hell had just happened... but not so confused that I didn’t just get right up and make the same mistake again a few minutes later.
"Sorry to interrupt you two." Chrissi was hovering just off to the side again. "Cooper, visiting hours are over in ten minutes. Just wanted to let you know."
"I have to sleep anyway," Willa said as she suppressed a yawn, and I felt guilty, wondering if she was keeping herself awake on my account. Some protector I was. "Liam's orders."
I stood up. "Yeah, you need to sleep," I agreed hastily. I felt like I had nowhere to put my hands, so I shoved them into my pockets. "See you."
She blinked up at me with heavy-lidded eyes. "See you," she said in a soft voice.
She looked so vulnerable there. Vulnerable and eerily beautiful. Leaving her here, lying alone in a big hospital bed with a ring on her finger that I'd put there felt like a betrayal. To myself.
All at once, I was filled with the sudden urge to kiss her. Just press my lips to the side of her mouth. Or her forehead. Or over the top of her eyelid as she closed them and drifted off to sleep. It was so powerful that the only way to escape it was to dart out of the room without saying goodbye.
I didn't visit her the next day. I wrote five different versions of my apology text before finally sending her one that just said, "Sorry I can't come today," without giving the reason as to why. "Sorry I can't come today, I'm trying to figure out how I feel about you." "Sorry I can't come today, it pisses me off how much I want to kiss you." "Sorry I can't come today, you make no goddamned sense to me." "Sorry I can't come today, why do I feel like you belong to me when I never wanted you to begin with?" None of those seemed like something I should even put into words, much less send to the girl who I was desperately trying to hate again.
Try as I might, there didn’t seem to be a single way I could go back to how things used to be, and though I would never say it out loud, that scared the crap out of me.
The next day, I deliberately showed up only twenty minutes before visiting hours were over. I thought I saw disappointment in her face when I stood back up to leave after just barely sitting down in the first place. But she was Willa, so she put on that brave face of hers and shooed me away. I drove off flooded with rage that swung like a pendulum between anger at her for being such a martyr all the time, and anger at myself for being a goddamned coward. I'd promised Liam, after all.
After a night spent ducking my friends and making excuses as to why I couldn’t show up to our usual Thursday night get-together at the Crown Tavern, I felt shitty enough about myself that I vowed to stop being such a coward. Of course, I’d replied when Claire sent me a text saying that she was heading to the hospital with Ruby and Sadie and would Romeo be there with his Juliet? I knew she’d see the ring and have a bunch of questions, and I didn’t want to leave answering them for Willa to deal with on her own.
But then Trish called and told me my rental application was approved. And right after that, Taylor from the bar called to ask if I could work an event for him since he was shorthanded. I needed the cash for the deposit, so I sent my excuses to Claire. And yes, another apology text to Willa. And then turned my phone off so I wouldn't have to read her grace-filled forgiveness before I was drunk enough to handle it.
The next morning I woke up with a raging hangover and a serious case of self-loathing. Forcing myself to get out of bed felt like the kind of penance I deserved, so I dragged my ass through the morning routine double time, then marched myself down to my truck. I was going to get there right when visiting hours started. Or maybe a few minutes after because I had a strong urge to show up bearing flowers. What would the note read? Get well soon, please, so I can go back to my normal life and stop thinking about you all the time?
I ditched the idea of flowers, but I still floored it to the hospital. It was still two minutes until visiting hours started when I pulled into a space on the roof of the three-story parking garage. I jogged, then ran to the elevators, and when they opened on her floor, I sprinted through them and down the hall.
"Cooper!" Chrissi sounded shocked to see me. I waved distractedly at her and cut the sharp corner into her room.
And stopped short.
An old man slept open-mouthed and snoring on Willa's bed. I wheeled around to see the unfamiliar name on the whiteboard just as Chrissi caught up with me. "What are you doing here, honey?" she demanded. "Your fiancée went home yesterday!"